can I play in the messy messy pick one sandbox? and hudson picks her. he's known her longer and she's been there for him through so much and there's love and stability and picking someone he's known for half a year would be irrational. and maybe years down the line there may be wedding plans. but connor has still been his best friend and soulmate and he watches as connor dates and tells him they are all not good enough. and now there are save the dates and connor is asking if he gets a plus one and that kind of twists something and it's not fair to connor is it? but it's ok cause connor gets his plus one if he agrees to be a groomsmen . but oh look there is still the bachelor party left to plan and make some really poor decisions. truly the messiest mess to ever mess. like the jealousy and complications of being in love with two people who don't wanna share
god fucking yes let's go there. because of course he picks her, right? everything's a mess but she's not and oh he does love her so. and it's kinda mean but connor is still there somehow so what's better, have all of connor all the time and lose her (and some of his friends probably) or have all of her and just a bit less of connor and everything else is still good, great fine!
so yeah maybe the plan's not foolproof. maybe there's still one too many solo trips to LA (on business, of course, for auditions and newtworking, but the hotel room doesn't get slept in, and it's just one kiss, connor, we used to do this all the time). maybe whenever connor goes quiet and he sees the pap pics of him and some other guy it sits toxic and rotten in his guts for days, weeks, makes him all moody and mean, and now his phone is filled with that's not fair, hudson, you can't have one rule for you and one for me. but when it's over (and it's always over, weeks or a few months, but it always ends up being 'things didn't work out') he's on the plane again, my baby is back, tell me all the ways he was terrible, what an idiot, what a dick, come here come here, of course he's not good enough for you, noone is good enough for you.
and sure things are moving along. is it time to get married? what about kids? almost thirty, hudson, time's ticking, what do you want from your life? impossible now to imagine a world without her, it's been too long and she's stayed through everything. and connor is connor, he's around sometimes but then he's in fucking Australia or Bulgaria for months on some movie and so it's not like there's another way this could go, right? connor is his when they are in the room together but when they're not he's a beautiful ghost in his phone, an I'm so sorry for how long I didn't reply, a blurry deuxmoi picture on his finsta.
so will someone please explain to him why connor is so hurt by the engagement? why is he so annoyed when for years this was fine, it was enough for him, and suddenly they're both drunk at a rooftop at their agency party and connor is crying and so's hudson too, in front of everyone, what a mess. he has to follow him to the bathroom, knock on the door of the stall, let me in, can we talk, not right here. somehow they end up on the beach, sitting on cold sand in the dark. it's not my fault you don't know what you want, hudson says, and connor just laughs like, right, me! I don't know! you've spent five years dangling me like a thread while I waited for you to fucking realise how I feel and I'm the one in the wrong!
hudson's mind is all fuzzy, now, thinking about all those times at connor's place, noses pressed together in the dark, hands and sweat-slicked skin pressing against each other. wasn't it fun, wasn't it sexy, wasn't it a game, we shouldn't, we really shouldn't, but they did every time. he shouldn't have always said I love you after, shouldn't have meant it so much every time. shouldn't have let connor wash his hair in the shower, spend whole days lazing in bed together, kissing his belly, brainstorming screenplays about two people who are magentised to each other but can't quite make it work. he thinks about the yawning emptiness of his life when connor's not there, refreshing his phone a hundred times a day, how maybe safe isn't so comforting anymore, maybe it's a bit like a prison. how many people in his shoes chose the same thing he's doing because it's just easier, building up twenty years of resentment, how he was always so adamant if he got married he could never get divorced because he's been so critical of his parents for it. how could you not know?? he'd said. why did you even get married in the first place if it could go so wrong?
I need more from you, is what he says finally. I need too much from you and i'm afraid you won't give it and something will go wrong. and connor doesn't reply for a long time before saying, well you never asked. and I didn't want to impose. but whatever you need, it's yours. because it's only been you in my heart, in my head, ever since we met. only you.
