can we have a bit of angst in the sandbox? please 🥺
bc what if distance truly made a breach in hudcon’s chemistry? text responses became less frequent and more spaced. wdym you’re in paris? i was in paris two weeks ago. jumping from one continent to another. being booked booked booked and there is no time to be on the phone. can we reschedule our call? it’s the only free time i have, i have to speak with her. and suddenly they only know about their whereabouts bc of the find your friends and location. and connor is in uk, and hudson is in ny. and they haven’t talked in over a month.
then boy kiss summer camp happens in the middle of august and the last text was from 6 weeks ago and connor just missed to answer, one thing came after the other. and wow hi, you’ve changed so much since the last time i saw you. which was when exactly? and you think that maybe they can stumble on their shenanigans right away, but there is something in the air, something gloomy. why hudson is having trouble breathing? and why is connor so close to actor!troy? they put back on the suits of shane and ilya and maybe things start to make sense again. but when jacob says cut and they are back at hudson and connor the gloomy ambience is back as well. and why is hudson going to the gym alone? why did connor not answer that damn last text?
i leave the happy ending to you im not sure if im able to make it right right now
[knuckle crack] don't you worry anon let's make this right
neither of them wants to say it but things are weird because they are hurt, and they're hurt about things they shouldn't be hurt about. like, connor's telling himself, he isn't my boyfriend, he doesn't have to text me every day. i should not be waiting staring at my phone every evening for him to call like he used to. he does have to text her, though. and hudson's thinking, well obviously he's too busy for me now. met all these cool new people, got what he always wanted, and now i'm just the boring provincial canadian guy missing out on all these cool la parties. the miasma of hurt lingers on them, wet and cold like fog, until one day after a bad take jacob beckons them both over like, listen to me, you have to snap out of this. this show is you two, do you understand? take tomorrow off. sort it out. I will not have a repeat of this on monday.
so they do as they're told. a little rusty in their old routine. first smiles in the gym when connor makes an exaggerated impressed expression when hudson show how good his bicep curls have got. when the endorphins of the workout are hitting them suddenly they are silly again. hudson jumps on connor's back so he can squat him (too heavy, look at you, baby, so big now). they're chatting so long in the hallway between their apartments after their skin is tacky from dried sweat and they know they both stink. afterwards hudson lets himself in and lays on connor's couch as he makes them both lunch ('oh how I missed your flavourless piles of ground beef connie baby'). they can't really go out like they used to but hudson says maybe they could take the rental car for a drive. nowhere really specific in mind just somewhere....away.
it's been months since either of them really experience proper silence in the outdoors so when they get to the hiking trail it's more beautiful than usual. cornflower blue sky, crickets in the long grass. over the hill is the glittering water of a lake. and as they start walking it's like turning on the tap, and everything comes gushing out. god, do you think it's ever going to feel normal? could get used to business class flights though. I keep worrying im going to be found out as a fraud. I don't know if I can trust even people who seem nice anymore. I can't look at my bank account. I don't know what to do when i'm alone. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you so much it makes me want to cry sometimes.
and when they get down to the lake it's the full hazy heat of the afternoon, not a single soul except them and the dirty sand. they drop their bags, sweat making their shirts cling to their backs, and just look at each other. smiling. connor's neck is sunburned and hudson traces a finger over the raw skin, tutting. no sunscreen, baby. connor nods at the water. want to? hell fricken yeah.
they peel off their clothes, wading in in their underwear. hudson grabs at connor's wrist as they get waist deep, hissing at how cold it is. and then one of them splashes the other and it's game over, launching at each other, tussling in the reeds and spitting jets of water on each other's faces. ending up with hudson's hands on connor's waist, connor's arms around his shoulders. foreheads pressed together, tips of their noses touching, skin goosepimpled from the gentle breeze. love you, hudson says softly. love you more, connor replies. always a competition with you, hudson says with an eye roll, and the kiss isn't really intentional, but it feels right. like cracking a sore back, squeezing a painful spot. the tension bleeds away slowly, just the sound of the water sucking at the shore, their lips moving softly against each other. butter melting in the sun, the warmth of freshly dried laundry. nothing to say because they know what the other is thinking. maybe they do need each other too much. maybe they don't need to punish themselves by starving each other of their attention until they get sick from gorging on it all in one go.
thought I had lost you, connor says softly. hudson cups his face in his jaw and nuzzles their noses. you have me, he replies. you'll always have me.
