since rookie season

And I do think it's a discomfort with the meanness inside all of us. As in, the part of ourselves that wants to make someone uncomfortable, if not downright suffer, or experience fear. The desire to inflict pain is there when someone pisses you off, and you have the impulse to yell at them or smack them or put them in their place. It's there when you want to show your friend something disgusting. It's there when you celebrate a politician's death.

And whether or not you go through with the impulse, the desire itself is mean. Perhaps the memory of being on the other side of meanness repulses you from the desire you see within yourself. Perhaps you see meanness for indulgence's sake as a flaw or a sin, but if it can be used for something that feels like justice - if we can catch the bad guy and bring him to his knees - then maybe it can be justified. Maybe we can revel in it, a little bit. As a treat.

Ilya doesn't want to harm. (Not really. And never anyone he cares about or anyone who doesn't deserve it.)

But it often serves him to cause discomfort, and he sees no problem in this, whether the discomfort be as a distraction, for his own amusement, to test someone, to get their attention, etc.

And causing non-harmful pain gets him going. Because it proves he can be himself, be a little rough, not be 100% gentle, and not harm. He can be himself, be a little rough, etc. and still be wanted. It proves that he is trusted, even when he isn't being gentle, to be good.

But desire does not always equal action. It *shouldnt* always equal action. We should be able to discern a desire - however brief or confusing or not in alignment with our higher values - with the actions we take because we are thoughtful about how we impact the people and world around us.

The problem I think is actually that a lot of people are deeply uncomfortable with desire, in all the grotesque forms it can take. This is something people talk a lot about with Shane’s character but not as much with Ilya’s.