And thinking about Buck, whose father is dead. Eddie kissed him, Eddie married him, Eddie finally said what he wanted and what he wanted was Buck, in his life, forever, and Buck doesn’t get to tell Bobby about it. And it’s been a year or two since he passed, it doesn't hurt so bad all the time, but at the wedding when he’s wearing one of Bobby’s ties that he had to tie by himself it hurts a lot. He’s still happy alongside it! Eddie doesn’t stop smiling all night, and he never gets further than three feet away from him, Buck is sure anyone with a tape measure could prove it. And Chris dances between them and laughs at them both and he hugs buck like he forgets he’s doing it, his arms just wrapped around him idly as he looks over at the cake table, and Buck thinks he was so small when they first met and he feels scared he’s going to mess this up, this specific part of it, having a kid who’s sort of been his for a long time but also really hasn’t. Bobby had step kids. Bobby had Buck, who was sort of his kid for a long time but also really wasn’t. Buck wishes so badly he could talk to him about it, about what it was like changing roles in May and Harry’s lives, about what being a good dad means. He wishes Christopher could have been sort-of his grandson. He thinks Bobby would have been a great grandpa.
But he’s not around anymore, so Buck does his best. He tries to be a good husband (which is easy most days, so easy. It’s just Eddie. He’s easy to love.) and he tries to let Chris set the terms for where they’re at. Buck can take him to school or his friend’s houses, but neither he or Eddie are allowed to walk him to the door anymore. That’s okay. He doesn’t really ask for homework help these days which Buck is a little glad for because he’s not sure he’d know the material very well now that the kid is in high school. High school! He was so little once! It makes buck feel crazy and kind of desperate to stop the passage of time, he cant imagine how Eddie must feel having been there from the beginning. He wishes he got to hold Christopher as a baby. He wishes- he wishes Bobby got to hold him as a baby. He wishes his dad was here. He’d tell him how smart Christopher is and how he’s made so many friends at school, he’s always been great at making friends, and how funny he is and how kind and how amazing and Buck can hardly believe he’s got to watch him grow and be any part of that. He’s so grateful. He just wants to talk about that to someone who’d understand what its like to be outside and let in.
But, like, things are going well! He has been let in! He so much likes making Eddie happy, and Eddie is, like, better at being happy these days. He laughs and flirts and they touch each other all the time and like. Even when nothing else is happening buck will sometimes look over and Eddie is smiling just because. And Eddie brings him flowers on their dates. And Eddie holds his hand even at work sometimes. Eddie so much likes making Buck happy, too, which makes his own happiness a little easier to accept. And chim lets buck go into his office sometimes and he sits there in the chair in front of the desk and if he closes his eyes its like- he can almost smell Bobby’s cologne in there, can almost hear another person breathing, and he says hey cap I’ve had a good day today. Eddie kissed me awake- sorry, uh, tmi- and we had breakfast together at 5 am which is stupid early but it was kind of fun, trying not to laugh over our nasty protein bars. He loves me. I just wanted to tell you that. You didn’t….you didn’t leave me without love. I’ve got a family. And… I know how to- to be a part of that family because of you. So. Thanks. Okay, bye. Talk to you soon.
And he and Eddie, you know, they fight sometimes. More often, maybe, because they’re so sure they’ll get through it. They know how to do this now, how to get stuff off their chests and trust the other will be able to take it and stick around after. Buck has never in his life felt so solid with somebody. They can snap a little, argue over stupid stuff, and then they’ll take deep breaths and explain whats bothering them and work it out. Eddie holds his hand here, too. Makes sure he’s loved even if they’re angry. They go to sleep side by side, no matter what, and by the morning nothing is ever really so bad.
And thinking like…. He gets the call from the hospital that Christopher Diaz has been in an accident, and he gets this feeling like- like the whole world compacts and crushes him all in an instant. But… okay, they called him and not Eddie. Chris apparently requested they call him and not Eddie. So that means he’s alert enough to be making requests, and probably also means the injury is embarrassing or obtained while doing something he definitely shouldn’t have been doing. Okay. Alright! He can be calm and cool about this. He can be someone Chris goes to when he’s in trouble but can’t bring himself to talk to his dad yet. Buck is honored to have this trust. And, oh, poor kid, all scratched up and his arm all swollen, and embarrassed at getting hurt doing something dumb (promised he was wearing a helmet though, they taught him so well), and it turns out Chris has also been having all these feelings about how they fit together in this new form of their family and he’s been thinking about the tsunami which buck thinks is still maybe the worst day of his life (and he’s got some real contenders) and when Chris wraps his arms around him and says he loves him Buck thinks, oh. Bobby knew. I didn’t get to say it back at the end, but of course he knew. If Chris never said it again, Buck would still know.
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