sun

plausible deniability remains highly erotic

let's convince ourselves that this is okay. let's rely on technicalities to exonerate ourselves. let's avoid looking what we're doing in the eye. let's live under its shadow, both aware of what this is but unwilling to say it out loud, since that will shatter the careful illusion we've built

I’m working on myself. I should be emotionally available by 2027 I can feel it.

the worst is wanting to create and create and create but being trapped in a body that is so so so so tired

more and more these days i notice people who lead lives of abject cultural and artistic incuriosity, who, when challenged with the reality that certain properties and artists are not deeply obscure and accessible only to ivory-tower academics but actually are incredibly popular and enduring - such as the odyssey and john waters, to name two examples i've seen create dust-ups in the last few days - when they're told that, no, a lot of us do actually know who john waters is, a lot of us have read the odyssey in high school english class, etc., they lash out and insist that you must either be lying or beyond pretentious. and i have all kinds of theories as to what has led to this phenomenon but all i can say in response to all of them is GET A GRIP

like it used to be, not even that long ago but 10-15 years ago, if you didn't know about some incredibly basic shit or get a reference to a book pretty much everyone reads in school at some point, the socially acceptable response was to be kind of embarrassed and learn about it on your own. now the response is to get angry and accusatory toward the people who know about more shit than you. i think it's a combination of unchecked poptimism in the media (and if what's popular is deemed to be good simply by virtue of being popular, you never have any reason to seek out things that aren't being spoon-fed to you by corporate media giants), the rise of streamers and youtubers making content for kids that is completely divorced from the cultural context that you'd otherwise get microdoses of while watching the simpsons or 30 rock or whatever, and a lot of adults (all ages) walking around with severely dysregulated emotions who look for opportunities when they feel "wronged" to attack others without consequence (which has been encouraged and inculcated in them by social media). it's bleak, y'all

I have the most urgent need to be insufferably over-educated. Like i need to read literally every book ever written.

being as i am an idiot, and having been one my whole life, i just wanna say that i find it very easy to do nothing, and go nowhere. i eat chocolate late at night in the dark. i stand in the garden also. and i’m often waiting for something to happen. and i’m stupid.

something about vi never wanting anyone in her life to change. something about jayce not caring at all how much viktor has changed so long as he's alive. something about the way vi associates radical change with death, perceiving jinx's continued existence as a kind of necromantic horror—the way jayce would shatter fundamental laws of nature without a second thought in order to give viktor the best chance at survival, in whatever form that may take. transformation as rebirth vs murder, hextech vs shimmer. nature has made us intolerant to change, but fortunately, we have the capacity to change our nature. and then jayce, realizing that he hasn't changed at all, not really—that he is a scientist at heart, and he shouldn't have tried to be anything else. and then vi, realizing she has become someone unrecognizable—never thought my sister would turn bluebelly. and for both of them, it's too little, too late.

deep down i still feel like a street dog with mange. but it's okay. i still find warm concrete to lay on

one thing about me is I love when things are over

another thing about me is I hate when things are over