Ethos, Logos, Pastrami

Mastering the Lawsuit

1. YISUN’s glory is great, and you may know this by two paths, the sanctioned words, and the sanctioned action.

2. The sanctioned words are RES IPSA LOQUITUR. The meaning of these words is YISUN and their attainment is the Presumption of Negligence.

3. The sanctioned action is to Litigate.

4. To Litigate means division by the blade of Want, that parer of potentials that excises infinities.

5. To train in litigation, first master sweeping. When you have mastered sweeping, you must master the way of drawing water. Once you have learned how to draw water, you must split wood. Once you have split wood, you must learn the arts of finding the fine herbs in the forest, the arts of writing, the arts of paper making, and poetry writing. You must become familiar with the awl and the pen in equal measure. When you have mastered all these things you must master building a house. Once your house is built, you have no further need to be a litigator, since it is an ugly, nerve-wracking profession and its adherents idiots.

The 18 Precepts

1. Consider: there is no such thing as a billable hour.

2. Your discovery requests must be broad. You must not be spare with the fluidity of your wrists or shoulders when typing. You must have grip on the deposition outline that is loose and unstrained. I heard it said you must be tender with your case, as though with a lover. This is patently false. A lawsuit not your lover. It is a hideous tool for separating opposing parties from their money.

3. Going onwards, you must adjust arguments as needed, do not make your client’s problems your problems, keep your breathing steady. This is the life argument. You must watch your footwork. Your feet must be controlled whether planted in state court, federal court, domestic relations, or probate in equal measure.

4. Breathing is very important! Is the violent breath of litigation in you not hot? Exhale! Exult!

5. You must strive for attachment-non-attachment when litigating. Your argument must be sticky and resolute. A weak, listless argument is a despicable thing. But you must also not cling to your case, or its result. Clinging is the great error of men. A lawyer who litigates without thought of his action can be awarded his fees against God.

6. To litigate properly, you must continually self-annihilate when litigating. Your hand must become a hand that is litigating, your body a body that is litigating, your mind, a mind that is litigating. You must instantaneously destroy your fake pre-present self. It is a useless hanger on.

7. A brain is useful only up until the point when you are faced with your opposing counsel. Then it is useless. The only truly useful thing in this cursed world is will. You must suffuse your worthless body with its terrible heat. You must be so hot that even if your opposing counsel should prevail on a dispositive motion, you shall continue to file ten more post-judgment motions. Your boiling blood must spring forth from your neck and mutilate the survivors!

8. You must never make “multiple” claims. Each must be singular in its beauty, no matter how many precede it. You must make your opposing counsel weep with admiration, and likewise should your client be found liable for the allegations of such an object of beauty, you must do your best to shed tears of respect.

9. When decapitating opposing counsel, it is severe impoliteness to use more than one blow.

10. A man who finds pleasure in the result of litigation is the most hateful, crawling creature there is. A man who finds pleasure in the act of litigating is an artisan.

11. Man always strives to sue man. Therefore he who files his lawsuit the fastest is the survivor. To pre-empt this, you must live, eat, and shit as a person who has their complaint ready to file. It doesn’t matter whether your complaint, in actuality, is always ready to file, though you will look like an idiot if it is.

12. Consider: The undefeated litigator must be exceptionally poor.

13. The weak litigator reserves his citations to caselaw. He clings excessively to civil procedure. His theory of the case is unsteady. His settlement offer is too low and he is afraid to crack the earth with his step. He has a shallow and wandering gaze, his tongue is sluggish and pale. He refuses to exhale the hot breath of the Flame Immortal.

14. The weak litigator clings to victory. He thinks of his life, his obligations, the outcome of the lawsuit, his hatred for his opposing counsel, his training, his pride in his mastery. By doing so, he is an imperfect vessel for the terrible fires of Will. He will surely crack. He will not laugh uproariously if his case is cleft in two by his opposing counsel’s argument. When his arguments are shattered, his hands will be too reserved to tear his opposing counsel’s flesh.

15. The weak litigator obtains a judgment against the opposing party and thinks his task done. He relishes in victory. He casts away his arguments and returns to his lover. Little does he know his single judgment will encircle the world five times and strike him down on appeal fifty-fold.

16. The weak litigator clings to his form documents. It is better you have a form document, but arguments must lie under your fingernails, if need be. Learn argument with your elbows, argument with your knees, and argument with your thumbs and fingertips. It is said argument with the tongue is useful, but I find words too soft an instrument to smash opposing counsel’s skull.

17. In manners of venue, you must learn to cut yourself from it. You must cut even your footprints from it, if need be. Have complete awareness of each crawling thing and each precious flower, each blade of sweet grass and each clod of bitter earth, each beating heart and each being that thrums with love, hope, and admiration. Only then are you qualified to be their annihilator.

18. Excess heat and excess coldness are undesirable. Learn to read the weather.

Closing

1. It is said the greatest lawyer-kings may sublime argument and forget all they learn about litigation. This is true. But the only true path to partner lies through regicide.

2. Moreover, only the worst kind of idiot strives to make partner.

3. My extreme hope is that some measure of wisdom will penetrate the thick skull of my associate. If not, may reading this manual demonstrate your powerful disinterest in it, and may its true value die with me.