Resident Disaster Pan

oh my god it hurts

and it's going to hurt forever

Sighs loudly and dramatically in a way that suggests I desire attention

"Isn't it weird that [thing humans commonly eat] is poisonous to literally every domesticated animal" I mean, there's a pretty good chance that [thing humans commonly eat] is at least mildly poisonous to humans, too. One of our quirks as a species is that we think our food is bland if it doesn't have enough poison in it.

So how much longer are we gonna pretend "higher than normal call volume" is a thing that exists. I think its normal call volume actually and you just arent hiring enough people. I think if you experience higher than normal for a very long time its no longer higher than normal its just normal and youve failed to adjust accordingly

brother you gotta put those big brown eyes away. youll kill someone

gonna be honest i don’t know how many more ‘enter the 6 digit code we sent to your phone’s i got left in me

y'know i don't really love how people use "butch" interchangeably with "handy"

*north american approaching lesbian couple* so which one of you is useful and which one of you is the woman

people who are like "but with universal healthcare you'll have to pay taxes!!! Up to 8%!!!" Are so funny. Like as opposed to the 16% of my gross paycheck that goes to private insurance, that won't cover shit unless i call my insurance company, then my doctor, then my pharmacy, then my doctor again because theyre pretty sure insurance got approved then my insurance company because they didn't get the letter, then my doctor again, then the pharmacy again, and then the copay i still am on the hook for.