lilligan’s blog

I’m L! I’m bi, I’m non binary (pronouns pending) and I’m on the aromantic spectrum.

Sexuality

Being bisexual was something I denied for the longest time and I tried to ignore it in order to fit in. Guess how unhappy that made me? This was in part due to being in an environment that wasn’t very welcoming for those who weren’t hetero and partly because I didn’t know anybody else who was bi.

When I first found out one of my old friends was bi, I started thinking more about my sexual identity. I joked about liking women, I said I had “girl crushes” but this was just a way of trying to justify my thoughts, being afraid to accept something I had been trying to push down for the longest time.

I knew I wasn’t straight, straight people didn’t have the same thoughts as I did. They didn’t get flustered in same-sex changing rooms, didn’t get awkward about Victoria Secret adverts, didn’t gaze too long at women and tried to play it off as wanting to be like them.

So I accepted something I had known all along. I didn’t come out about it, I was just bi. Nobody had to know, nobody needed to ask, it was just about who I liked. I have a preference towards men, but I can happily say I am attracted to women too!

Gender Identity

Last August about a week or so after my birthday, I looked in the mirror and thought, “Hmm.”.

And then I texted my main gc with my irl friends and said “I’m nonbinary.”. I had cut my hair quite short a few months previously, and throughout those past months I had been thinking thoughts such as:

“wow I look so genderless”

“people might see me as a boy or a girl or…”

“I could be mistaken for a boy!”

“this outfit is so unisex”

I’d also been dressing less “femininely” and wearing more “masculine” clothing. However when I texted that I was nonbinary into my gc it had also been a shock for myself. The thought of myself being nonbinary had never even popped up in my head over those months. Usually I took the time to ruminate over things, give careful consideration before going ahead with thoughts and words, but it seemed as though my body was working faster than my brain.

I felt as though I was lying, that I couldn’t take back what I said and I’d have to stick with that.

But I did think. And I thought and I thought and I thought. I asked my friends to give me time to think about my pronouns. To give me time to think about my new name. To let me think about what this meant for me.

I told teachers at school, but again I was scared about how my school body would react. I wouldn’t be bullied, because 1) that’s a crime and 2) I have such a violent reputation it wouldn’t end well, but I didn’t want to face the relentless questioning from my peers.

The scariest part of it all however, was when my teacher told me I would have to tell my parents about my identity, since any letters home would have my new name on them.

I had told my cousin and my sister about my identity since they knew and were a lot more open about trans identities, but my guardians were a lot older and not the most accepting of the LGBTQIA+. My guardians are my father and grandmother, who are quite old, and it was very nerve wracking for me to sit down with the two of them and talk about it.

“I’m nonbinary and I’m bisexual, and being nonbinary means I don’t identify as male or female, I exist outside of that.”

I showed them some videos and talked to them about what it meant to me personally, as well as what I wanted my new name to be. They took it surprisingly well. There’s been some hiccups and a lot of adjustments, but they didn’t kick me out of the house like I thought they would or call me a slur! It’s still not perfect, but it’s fine because I’m estranging myself from them for ✨family reasons✨ unrelated to this.

I didn’t mean to come out as bisexual, but it kind of slipped out in the moment. Not that they cared about that either.

The other hurdle was my mother, whose English isn’t the best and also wasn’t known to be a great supporter of the LGBTQIA+ community.

But even that went surprisingly well. It was pretty funny, I used a Thai translator and everyone there all laughed about it. I wouldn’t have cared too much if she hadn’t accepted me, we have a very complicated past.

To be honest, I’m still figuring out my identity.

This wasn’t the same as ignoring my bisexuality. There were no glaring signs, or moments where I may have thought “huh im not cis”. I had some weird things with how I felt about my body and the way I presented myself gender wise when I was younger. But then I knew this wasn’t a spontaneous thing like how it had been when announcing to my friends.

Sometimes I feel like I’m faking being nonbinary; that what I feel isn’t what being nonbinary is defined as and that it’s a ‘phase’ or something, conning everyone around me.

I’m doing my best to stop thinking like that, and when I start therapy I’d like to focus on that. I know that no human feels the exact same as any other. How I feel is valid and whatever pronouns I choose to feel or whatever my gender identity turns out to be in the future is my business and my business alone.

The term genderfluid popped up for me and it does seem to better represent how I feel, but I definitely prefer the term nonbinary. At the start of my journey I had the feelings of “dressing femininely to announce I’m masc and dressing masculine to announce I’m femme”. So don’t worry if any of it is also confusing to you, I think that’s how I want to come across! As an enigma. Think of Najime from Komi San.

A-Spec

So I just figured this out like 3 days ago? 2?? Who knows! This has been the best aspect of my identity and figuring out who I am so far. Unlike my sexuality and gender, I didn’t even realise I might be on the aromantic spectrum! I’d heard about ace and aro, seen awareness posts and heard stories— hell I’ve even seen Jaiden’s animation!!! I didn’t relate to it all! But then this post about being lithromantic popped up for me and I related with it so much.

I put the thought on a back burner since it’s actually exam season right now, but while MAKING A POST ABOUT MY SHIPS AND NOT UNDERSTANDING THE ROMANCE BEHIND IT, I GOOGLED AROMANTICISM MORE THOROUGHLY AND FOUND MYSELF ALIGNING WITH SOME OF THE FEELINGS AND EXPERIENCES COMMON WITH AROS. I was screaming a lot.

How had I not realised?? The signs were so obvious and I hadn’t even realised. Hetero romance is shoved down our throats from the moment we gain consciousness, so queer kids already know when their feelings don’t match with what’s being broadcasted around them 24/7. Same with gender, when everyone else seems to act and behave in the same way but you feel like you’re performing at all times. It’s not quite the same for ASpec, which is really fucking annoying.

“Oh you just haven’t met the right person!”

“You’re just coy!”

“Wait until you’re older.”

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Do you know how many other people probably lie somewhere on the aroace spectrum but have NO clue? All because of how we’ve perpetuated this idea of one type of relationship dynamic? That everybody falls in love, that we all bone the right person and everything is amazing!

BULLSHIT. My friend also came out to me as on ace spectrum when I told her I was on the aro spectrum!

I now DO relate with Jaiden thinking she had high standards and nobody was appealing enough for her, I relate with the trying to choose a crush to have someone to talk about with peers or not understanding what the fuss was about someone.

I understand myself SO much better now! I love that I’ve now realised something about myself that I didn’t even know! It’s exciting! So many more things make SO much sense! Why I never pursued a romantic relationship! Why all my dreams and fantasies never involved a significant other! Why I hadn’t experienced romantic attraction to someone for almost a DECADE.

I’ve found more terms that convey how I feel but I just prefer to say I’m on the aro spectrum. I love romantic media and shipping characters, and I feel all the butterflies when something romantic happens to them. Sometimes I may even like someone but I don’t want a romantic connection with them or a relationship. Well, I haven’t had romantic feelings for anyone in a long time now, and I don’t even picture myself in romantic scenarios anymore. I don’t even think I can! I love that I can experience all this and I love that I can finally express it all!

Oh I’m not asexual btw, I want to bone the shit out of someone. Down bad and proud 👍. Though I would say I’m somewhere on the ace spectrum since I don’t think I can bone someone without first forming an emotional connection.

Being aro is something I want to go around proclaiming to everyone! Hopefully I’ll be waving my little bi flag and displaying my they/them pin, my outfit all the colours of the aro flag when the weather is better.