ishaelzan

This is me shouting to the void - how I want to be seen and heard. Lately I’ve been feeling a lot of things all at once and I have to keep up. Not just with the chaos within me but also the reality of what’s in front of me.

I stopped speaking in metaphors long ago because I was afraid I won’t be understood. But now, you see that was never the problem. I have learned to be everything but that wasn’t all the things people wanted from me.

Why do I even bother? There’s so much more to who I am than what I can give. I am left with endless ramblings hoping that maybe for the nth time I will be heard. Not this time.

So I wait.

And wait.

It sure is taking a while. What was I even waiting for?

It isn’t something I’m unfamiliar with. I look back and remember what it was like to be seen as magic. Like how someone hangs to your every word.

Dining here again, not at this specific food place, but in this spot. It reminded me of a certain season in my life.

It feels like it all happened ages ago— well, it has been 5 years or so since it happened. But memories came flashing back.

I remembered who I was during that time. I feel like a totally different person now. In a good way, I must say.

Yesterday, I had a dream and a friend was in it. Maybe incidents that happened a couple of days brought his memories to my subconscious mind— which then made its way to my dreams. He used to be one of my safe spaces because he truly listens.

In my dream, he told me how he felt about me. Romantically. We never crossed that line in real life. It’s not that the idea never crossed my mind. He was actually a happy crush that made me smile whenever I bump into him.

When we started hanging out, I immediately put that idea away. We were also involved with other people at that time. Not officially, but my naive mind won’t be able to process such nuances.

Our friendship actually became deeper when we had falling outs with our other relationships. He told me a secret and I kept it. I would go to him whenever I am overwhelmed with things at work or with my constant battle to let go of someone. We were each other’s confidante.

Sadly, when we started being in a relationship, I stopped hanging out with him. I just did not feel comfortable with the idea of it anymore.

It felt like our friendship that started when we were both in a dark place ended when we both got out of it.

When he was no longer around, there were days when I would look back at some memories and feel like something is amiss. It’s as if I didn’t care to understand some of his cryptic actions or words. I told myself back then that that wasn’t it. I didn’t want to put meaning to any of it.

A part of me miss him. It’s unfair. Because I feel like I just miss how he made me feel. He made me feel loved by listening to my stories that shouldn’t be of interest to him. By trying to make me laugh. By being there for me.

The last time I saw him was after a dungeon and dragons session (perhaps 2 years ago). We were both at the back of the car with a space in between us. His stop came before mine and he said goodbye. I said good bye too and felt its finality.

10.01.2021

I did not expect to like Love Alarm that much. It has really beautiful cinematography but the pacing and the miscommunications are all too frustrating to me. Well, of course, all the miscommunications are all part of the story of how Love Alarm affected the dynamics of relationships and even the society as a whole.

I cried a lot towards the last 3 remaining episodes because of how Jojo is slowly able to heal from her childhood trauma and how she learned to truly love.

It was her decision to love Hye-Young not just because an app told her that’s how she felt (and surprise, in the end we were shown how the love alarm would have also alarmed whenever they’re together).

How her love slowly grew is really beautiful to me than the whirlwind romance she had with Sun-oh.

I know a lot of people still wanted her to end up with Sun-oh because he was the first love but I just did not feel that way. For me, Hye-Young was the right choice all along.

How the story unfolds made me realize how Jojo was no longer longing for a passionate high school kind of love. That was Sun-oh. The typical campus crush who fell in love with an outcast. It is romantic but as you grow older you start to long for a love that is steadfast and patient. That was Hye-Young.

Season 1 was that romantic high school kind of love that many of us may want to remember and relive. But Season 2 is about a love between 2 adults trying to navigate life together and truly committing themselves to one another.

Love is more than romantic feelings or the thrill you feel because of a kiss in an alley. It may come as quiet as looking after a person even when they are unaware of it.

Lee Yuk-Jo as Sun-Oh’s endgame also tells us that love isn’t just about feelings. It is a constant decision to choose someone every day. That’s why that scene where it was shown that he visits her place constantly while she was away and how he said he would continue doing that until he rings her alarm is more heart warming to me than all those crazy romantic gestures he did for Jojo without really thinking.

In the end, Jojo and Hye-Young’s love story was a bit unusual because it’s very seldom for the second-lead to “get the girl”. But how it was portrayed in those everyday mundane scenes like sharing an umbrella under the rain even when Hye-Young has his own made me believe that love is always on those little things. His love for Jojo was exactly what she needs after all those childhood traumas.

He knows her and he keeps trying to know her. He gave her the safe space she needed and was patient enough to be there for her despite the uncertainty of her feelings for him. If that’s not how love looks like, I don’t know what is.

We need more stories like this.

07.28.2021 12:55am

I know it’s weird to be crying because of a pair of shoes but my emotions had been all over the place these days. That was the last pair and it’s my size. It’s really hard to find my size in these type of shoes because my feet are too small. To top it off, all my current favorite colors are in there.

I even moved around some funds to purchase it before the sale starts at 12am. I wasn’t so fast at checking out and someone out there already bought it. I messaged the CS to ask if by any chance they have another pair in stock but of course they can’t do anything.

It’s just sad. I was hoping that despite a lot of frustrations these past few days I can at least get this nice pair of shoes.

06.23.2021

I got my new phone yesterday. Was not expecting I would get an iPhone 12 so it really was a pleasant surprise.

It may seem materialistic or shallow to some but things like this reminds me of God smiling from above and telling me it’s ok to like nice things.

Saying that is part of deconstructing some of my old beliefs that I cannot aspire “good things” in this world but rather store up my treasures in heaven.

Anyhow, I just thought I wanted to remember this moment. I have a lot of thoughts lately about this subject that can be fleshed out but this is it for now.

Today is quite a long day. I’m just glad that I finally got to talk with a close friend from college after 5 years or so.

Thanks to another friend who made the effort to invite us in a zoom video call for a catch up sesh.

I felt at peace. Reminiscing about college and the years that also passed after we graduated.

It’s been more than a year since my last post here. My last post was a bit depressing.. and while I can’t really say that circumstances have changed I would say that I am trying to be better in handling things— both woes and joys!

I still have a lot of yearnings. Yesterday, I started listening to Skypodcast of Slater Young and Kryz Uy-Young. I watch their youtube channels already but hearing their podcast conversations made me reflect and even resonate with a lot of their thoughts and experiences.

It made me look back to my once passionate and full of hopes and dreams younger self. There’s still a big part of me that grieves for the things I could have done and I could have been but also visiting such losses gives me courage to start dreaming and hoping where I am right now.

It’s just the start of the new year – a new decade – and yet it feels like I’m already falling behind with so much things. In my mind, I should be more financially stable, plan our wedding, look for a place of our own, and set goals for my career. Everything seems impossible and out of reach from where I’m standing. 

My bank account would tell you I’m far from being financially stable. I haven’t been engaged yet and we don’t really have enough cash even for a small beach wedding that I really want. My mom wanted me to buy this property in our hometown and yet I don’t really have the means to do so. My career path seems a bit bleaker than usual.