The Lightboard Collective

How interesting. Very nice of you to make a post about my blog. However, you’re forgetting something.

I am an introject of Hannibal Lecter. I am not the character from the show. Which, a lot of endos seem to think that an introject is just that character. Not all, I’m not saying that. But a lot of them cannot separate a part of someone’s mind that took on a specific form from a fictional character. That speaks on the lack of understanding of alters a lot of them have.

Now, I am very source connected. Personally, I do find the concept of endogenic systems very interesting. I’m fascinated by it not because I believe it to be possible; I’m fascinated by it because it’s outside of the realm of possibility, and the interesting part is how endos treat their perceived experience and the condition itself.

So yes, I’m greatly interested. But no, that is not because I believe it to be possible. It is because of the firm belief despite the clinical impossibility.

I revisited this post and found this comment.

This “discourse” does affect me, actually. Endogenic “systems” have caused massive damage to not only our life, but the lives of many systems. This damage in including but not limited to:

- Medical professionals being increasingly skeptical towards people with CDDs, resulting in longer waits for diagnosis.

- A big chunk of pro/endos tell newly discovered systems that they must be endogenic as their trauma “isn’t severe enough” to be a CDD system.

- CDD systems being forced into syscovery by pro/endos, which is dangerous as syscovery may resurface a lot of trauma. The high focus on alters in pro/endo spaces prevents CDD systems roped into pro/endo spaces from recovering.

- This “discourse” has caused immense stigma towards CDDs, also outside of medical settings.

- Pro/endos encourage delusion. Being a system without trauma is not possible, and by telling people that either 1: Their CDD is actually them being endogenic or 2: Their normal human experience is plurality, you encourage delusion. This is especially harmful for psychotic people.

Then, can I not have hobbies? I enjoy engaging in debate and psychology. Since I am now outside of my source, unable to perform my job as a psychiatrist, is it not only natural that I seek out different ways of engaging in my interests? I need to have something to do, after all.

Bc so many ppl focus on the idea of telling A Trusted Adult, but even a well-meaning individual can fuck up and let abuse fall through the cracks or not know what to do

Whereas if a child tells LOADS of adults AND other kids, there's far less opportunity for an abuser to do damage control

Consistently telling their story and spreading it around disempowers the abuser to control and coerce the flow of information, or to utilise gaps and weaknesses in systems of reporting or welfare to isolate the child

Abuse can wire the jaw,

Abandonment can teach the neck to brace before the fall.

A child may hold the scream inside.

A child may freeze the fight.

A child may fold the chest around the terror of the night.

The legs may keep preparing,

The hands may reach in sleep,

The throat may hold old pain inside, buried oceans deep.

And all of it was faithful, all of it was wise.

A brilliant little nervous system learning how to rise."

Abuse can wire the jaw,

Abandonment can teach the neck to brace before the fall.

A child may hold the scream inside.

A child may freeze the fight.

A child may fold the chest around the terror of the night.

The legs may keep preparing,

The hands may reach in sleep,

The throat may hold old pain inside, buried oceans deep.

And all of it was faithful, all of it was wise.

A brilliant little nervous system learning how to rise."

Is it possible for everyone to lose access to the inner world?? We've all been going crazy for the past year because we used to have such a vivid inner world where we could actually interact with each other and communicate, but it seems like now everyone has seemingly lost the ability to do that. I would think that it was just me as I know that can happen to hosts, but based off of the notes people have left me it seems like it's a pretty system-wide thing save for a few of our headmates.

It kind of started with having issues with communicating, then being aware of who's co-con, now to this. We're not in an actively traumatic situation (we live on our own with our partner). I've noticed this began with our last therapist who caused us to be really disregulated and almost constantly triggered, but we have a much better therapist now who we trust deeply and is really kind and knowledgeable, so I would think that our communication would be getting better, not worse? Has this happened to anyone else? Is there a way to fix it?

Well the innerworld isn't a physical thing, it's very much a way to visualize what's happening in your system/head, so it's very possible for it to not be accessible to every alter or to no longer be accessible at all. (Not to mention that not everyone has an innerworld to begin with.)

In my experience (and based on what others have told me), an innerworld "lockdown" is usually due to being in a stressful situation, including but not limited to discovering an old/forgotten trauma.

Don't worry too much though, you'll eventually be able to access your innerworld again or maybe you'll make an entirely new one.

Also keep in mind that it's totally normal to have ups and downs when it comes to in-sys communication! You can have months of perfect communications followed by months of nothing.

Whether you are striving for a diagnosis and do have the means

Whether you’re striving for a diagnosis but don’t have the means

Whether a diagnosis isn’t something you’re striving for

Or whether a diagnosis isn’t a priority right now

*(it's what they call "you".)

"oh. so I guess I don't exist then"

That's not what was said at all. Your label, your "experience" is not real, or at least not in the way that you see it.

I'm sure that there are plenty of endos who are CDD systems, but don't believe that their trauma is "bad enough" which is completely untrue, every child experiences trauma differently. However, when nothing inherently traumatic happened and these endos are still claiming to have headmates / parts / alters / whatever else, they simply don't.

They are getting other symptoms confused with CDDs, for example Borderline Personality Disorder commonly gets confused for CDDS in endo spaces due to an "overlap" in symptoms. More often than not, it's simply severe splits that are making these individuals with BPD believe that their experience is a CDD. I experienced this first hand in a friend group I was previously in.

In other cases, they are simply faking to fake. They saw "quirky people in your head disorder" and took the one "good" or "interesting" part of the disorder and cosplayed it. This is not all of the endo community, but there are certainly a number of them. My sister was one of these.

Day One: Describe your system. What kind of system, how big, anything you feel is a good introduction.

Answered by 👎 but i'm probably navy 🗨

👎 but i'm probably 🗨. I do not know. The thing about this disorder is that its a dissasociation disorder with memory issues. We slow switch between parts until we suddenly realize we aren't them anymore. On average we switch 8 times a day according to our log but we also are really bad at telling who is in front so some of those logs are incorrect.

It's hard to pinpoint what caused it. I don't remember a good chunk of my childhood, and what I do remember simply doesn't feel traumatic. It makes it really hard to feel like I'm even right about being plural when that's the case.

As an introject, I have been subjected to a lot of dehumanization. Not only me, but the other introjects in this system as well, long before I even formed.

It boils down to the same thing every time: being treated like a fictional character instead of a human being. This is, of course, mainly done by pro/endos. In our case, exclusively. I believe this may be caused by the heavy focus on alters in these communities, and the way they seem to view introjects simply as “my favorite characters in my head.”

Introjects are not fictional characters. We are people, or at the very least, we are parts of a whole. Even those of us who heavily identify with our source, are still real people.

I am being expected to act exactly as *others* believe Hannibal Lecter would act. Everyone’s interpretation is different, making it quite impossible to do so if I were to even try. I will not. I will act exactly as I desire to act. As comes natural to me. This is how I believe Hannibal would act, because I am Hannibal. Though another introject with the same source character as me may act completely different.