System Confessions

This blog is meant for CDD systems of any kind to share their thoughts and feelings about anything and everything, good and bad.

While we don't have rules about confessions, we do ask that you add trigger warnings, if needed.

We are anti-endo, consider this an anti-endo space !

Endos, please do not interact, this space is meant for trauma survivors. Respect that.

We also don't allow bigotry, racism, ableism, etc. You are however allowed to send confessions about struggling with these things. Some aspects of systemhood are ugly and we do not wish to hide them.

Confessions posted on this blog do not reflect our opinions and we will not add commentary unless a question is asked.

-Damocles 🌿⚔️

Confessions in queue: 19

- Demon of Red Echoes

I'm not sure you meant to send this to this blog? You know, because this is a strictly anti-endo space. (This is very confusing.) /nm Let me know if you want this post removed.

Im sick of this. Im sick of everyone. Everyones able to fucking cope. Im not. Everything makes me angry. I want to cut everyone off and rip myself apart. I want to kill everyone whos ever laid a hand on me. And guess what? Im a child. Im 9. And that makes everyone treat me like im a REAL child and oooh no we cant let the little baby talk about sex(abuse. If any of you start littles consenting bullshit on this post i will personally make you wish you shut up) or violence nonono you have to go watch bluey and tawk wike dis :3 kill yourself. None of you have ever thought twice about how you treat littles because you can never be made uncomfortable by actually letting victims talk. You make spaces for victims and systems to talk and then shut up the ones who suffered the majority of what causes systemhood. Youre the same as the very people who turned a blind eye to me when i tried to get help. Youll never listen. You dont want to hear it. You dont care about the mentally ill and you dont care about victims the moment it becomes mildly uncomfortable. You dont want us to exist outside psych wards and therapists offices.

(Obligatory not at blogrunner.)

Many system related tools do not help us at all in that sense and it just makes us feel worse. We cannot accurately track which alters are fronting and which alters are co-conscious because sometimes we have days where we can only communicate with each other whenever we focus and trying to register every relevant thing is just impossible because we genuinely wouldn't be able to keep up with it

Like idk man i know these tools are there to help but. The constant struggle of not being able to use tools that are supposed to help your memory because you forget that you can even use these tools to begin with

Idk, it feels isolating sometimes that everyone is reccomending these fancy apps with loads of features but none of them actually help us or make our symptoms worse because we don't work that way

Is it that hard to not support abelism

-👾👾

I agree with this actually, we as a system don't refer to ourselves as a whole because a good majority of these people *WANT* to be separate as in like they feel a strong strong need to be their own person however it is physically impossible and it causes them genuine distress when we refer to them as me, the host it makes them feel genuinely trapped and would cause more than necessary splits

They hate that theyve become part of something bigger because they want to strive for their own goals, they want to have their own relationships and be able to see them in person, they want to do their own things and it just puts a lot of mental strain on them when we tell them that it's a very slim possibility of these things ever happening because that's not what I want and they unfortunately have to live with me, and as host and controller of my body I have my own goals like living with my partner one day

We spent almost 13 years dormant. Back then, I was the only one who knew about the system. I was a protector, caregiver, and gatekeeper. I kept them company. I gave them comfort. I helped keep them from damaging each other. I knew, and because of that, I was almost entirely alone. I was a parentified child taking care of myself.

Then I woke up as an adult in a new home far far away. I became host and have spent about a year since doing nothing but improving. Im so fucking happy its ridiculous. I'm Free. Every day I'm alive and get to share my life with my subsysmates- my family- feels like a blessing. Seeing them grow into their own individuals has been magical.

I love them. I really, really do.

It's hard to say that. I feel like most of the people who celebrate like this are endos, but I'm genuinely happy. I can't wait to keep living.

A pro-endo blog was on my dash (eurgh) and I thought I was going mad when I read their post anyway.

What do you mean you wish there was a quizz to know if you're plural??? That's called DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIAS. Of course, they later say they hate the "plural criterias" (wtf does that even mean), so they made their own quizz. To tell people if they're plural or not.

Sorry, but that's disgusting. That's so fucking dangerous too. Like who are you to think you can make a random google forms to tell people if they're plural or not?? They made the quizz for both CDD and endo systems, by the way!! Literally putting them together!! Gross behaviour.

Usually I'd say "no hate to this particular person", but this is so fucking irresponsible. I hope they realize how harmful this is.

I recently split an alter who seems like his only job is to just continuously tell me to kill myself and offer ways I could do it quickly and reasons why I should. It's incredibly exhausting to deal with, especially since he's basically been stuck in co-front with me for the past almost two weeks now. And I really hated him at first, I still kind of do hate him. He makes my mood so sour, and it's so hard to mask with him constantly squawking at me all the reasons I Definitely Should kill myself all the time. But I don't know if I can totally hate him right now. I just feel bad for him, honestly. I know he's hurting just as much as he's hurting me. I'm trying to help him find better ways to deal with whatever his issue is, but his default is still telling me to off myself for now. And I just have to deal with it.

so we saw other systems talking about "system resets" and we wanted to do it too. we havent been officially diagnosed yet, but have done quite some research... now, honestly, i dont think it matters if i call it a "system reset" or a "mass dormancy", the core procedure of what happened translates anyway; large chunks of the system "shutting off"/going dormant/whatever you want to call it. im not entirely sure if this helps anyone with their own experiences but i hope its atleast good for me to talk about it at one point, because i havent done so yet since the sparse therapy sessions afterwards and maybe being open about it can help me too...

so we were in the process of seeking professional attention last year (didnt turn out well but thats not the topic), so we had some stuff figured out, y'know, and then met someone. sadly it wasnt just the only person i had ever met like that but it also led to being borderline raped, which i say like that because there were a lot of variables going into it and im not going to get more detailed. anyway, i actually had to go to the emergency room because i was... hurt badly. after waking up in the hospital room, it had felt like just... alone. for the first time in our life, whoever was present that day, just felt alone. there was nothing left. feelings were hard to come by and even weeks after that event it was like our internal "map"(?) was in ruins, suddenly the host at the time was the only one left, just because there needed to be someone who still "controlled the ship" i guess. its hard to describe but for a really long time that was all there was and i know for a fact that the host was feeling overwhelmed and just naturally slid back into denial of the system because thats what he perceived, nothing. also because there was nobody talking back anymore, there were no signs, nobody else fronting, there was nothing.

and i think its a very eerie feeling when you wake up, dont know who you are and are basically the only one who "survived" that. everything was basically locked down or shut down... that mightve been so we could focus on recovery first, but i think its hard, y'know, being the only one who suddenly has control when you didnt even exist before that thing happened... you have no clarity and no help because nobody inside you is around anymore and nobody around you irl would even begin to understand what happened inside you, not even talking about the event that triggered that "something broke internally" feeling.

after over one year later, we have started noticing more dissociative symptoms again and being more open to the possibility that we do might have DID and that has helped, i do think if we had had a diagnosis it would have probably been easier and faster to ease into that knowledge again but the mh system where i live has very limited resources... anyway we have thankfully begun building up again and it feels 100x better than that time... some of the previous "important" alters are rewaking too, so i guess "mass dormancy" couldve been more accurate but i still think that the core of what happened could be explained with both, and in some way i get why some feel like its a "reset" rather than a "dormancy", the entire thing is rather subjective in how it feels anyway...

sorry i probably started rambling somewhere in there, i hope this can maybe help someone else feel less alone than we did when this stuff happened...

Skirts, thigh highs, EVEN HEALS.

All of my childhood toys that I had. Gone. All gone. Because these STUPID parts in my brain think it was the best thing to do. I don't wish this on anyone. And I wish people stopped encouraging people to treat parts as individual people. I feel like people forget d.i.d is your personality fragmented and it's all just you. It really stigmatizes this disorder

Sincerely a traumagenic part who wants to be able to talk about their disorder without someone being an idiot 🫰