Confessions of a Libra

The eclipse and blood moon was so cool yesterday. First eclipse I ever saw. Tried as best as I could to get a good pic lol

I wanna go to the forest so bad today😭🍃🍃

It’s gonna take work but I already feel the change inside me. 

So I’ve been trying to incorporate meditation into my daily routine for a bit now, I would say I “officially’ started in March where I tried to do it more often then not, and I actually really like it and find myself wanting to do it more. I’ve watched a couple videos and read things on like how to meditate and I’m just wondering if I’m truly achieving that mind/body separation that I hear about a lot. My mind runs like crazy and I’ve heard you kind of let the thoughts flow rather than try to block them outright, so I guess I’m wondering if letting my inner monologue just run is the same as meditating. I do have important conversations with myself and I even think I’m visualizing things. But idk if that's what’s supposed to happen or if I’m still in in Alpha brain waves. I’ve always had a strong imagination since I was a kid so idk if these are true visuals or me just making things up and filling in the blanks. I really wanna tap into my subconscious and even achieve true like out of body experience. So Idk if I can get some insight or maybe some advice that would help. Or maybe I’m thinking to hard into this and I’m doing what I need to lol.

I had a pretty ugly fight with my mom the other day. Long story short, My house is always messy, you could literally clean it spotless one day, and it would be destroyed within 24hrs (granted there are lots of pets and lots of kids around). My mom for the past week has been going on and on, being super negative about how everything is gross and destroyed and all that. But the thing that got to me was how she said she was “done” with us. She kept going around saying how she's done with us and she's gonna leave and that she wouldn’t care. And that really triggered me. She than told me I needed to go back to my room upstairs instead of being in the downstairs room . Now for context I’ve been recovering from a car crash where both my feet are broken. So in my head I was thinking “ how heartless is she that she's telling her daughter with a broken foot to go back upstairs just cause she's pissed about it being a mess. I felt like she totally disregarded how, even in the state that I am in,  I try my hardest to keep up and keep it clean, but that's just how quickly things get ruined. We then got it this huge fight and it escalated to a full on screaming match that was filled with profanities, hurtful words, tears, and even ended with my mom going into a hyperventilation. At the time I was so upset and I felt so angry and unloved. I made the conclusion that I was done with her too and that I needed to get on my shit and get out of here. But the next day, I couldn't help but be riddled with guilt. I feel horrible for it getting that bad. I can genuinely say I snapped, in a way that I told myself I wouldn’t anymore. I know that my feeling on her negativity is valid and I know that, these feelings are valid considering the emotionally and mentally abusive past we’ve had. But now I feel like I’m causing alot of pain and negativity too, maybe she was right about some of the things she said. But I’ve been so hurt that I cant seem to get passed that stage and heal. I keep thinking if I fix my surroundings, things can be better, but me forcing it only makes things worse. I need to fix things in myself. I need to let go of all these hurtful emotions that I’ve been clinging onto. I just don't know where the root is, why can’t I let go. I can give you a million reasons why I’m feeling the way I am. But don’t know how to make them go away. I don’t wanna fight her anymore. I just miss what she used to be, but I need to accept that she's been changed too. I hope she can forgive me for being so cruel sometimes. I just can’t find the balance between expressing how I’m feeling and bashing her for the things that have happened. I just want things to get better.

I’m watching The Runaways movie rn and Idk how many times you can have a sexual awakening in life, but Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett can f*cking bash my brains in with a guitar ANY DAY gawh!!!

I’ve been hooking up with this guy for a little bit now, maybe a couple months. And he’s chill and he’s really sweet. We can hang out and watch movies, we have a similar sense of humor, were both foodies and like the same music. But  Idk something is just...off. When we talk about sex on the phone it’s good, but it doesn’t really translate to real life. I like being bratty and I really  want someone to take control and make me feel good, but he doesn't really do that. He says he’s dominant but I always feel like I have to take over and direct things to get what I want, and even then it feels like a struggle to get him to do the thing I need, and I feel like it shouldn’t be like that. I get that in healthy sexual relationships, communication is key and all that blah blah blah but, Idk I want someone to want me so bad that they do whatever they want to ME, without me having to tell them every step of the way, I want them to want to tear my skin apart cause they cant get close enough, they don’t need to be some super Dom expert but I just get frustrated wishing he would just touch me more or tell me to do stuff ya know. I feel like we play the same game over and over again, he teases me , I tease him, he’ll pound me a lil bit and than I have to get on top to finish him off. Like if he was my bf, this sex would be fine, Hell, when I engross myself in the fantasy it’s nice, but the minute I snap out of it, I’m unsatisfied. he reminds me of my first bf ALOT. Maybe this isn’t what I want anymore? But he’s a cool guy IDK, I know in my mind its strictly fwb, but if he’s filling the emotional needs better than the physical than I’m stuck. Idk if we’d be able to just hang out and be friends if we stop hooking up either, but he’s a cool person and I wouldn’t want to lose him as a friend. Why is this so complicated. Am I the only one with this problem?

I’m at this weird stage of finding a career where, for one moment I really like the idea I have and I even have a plan to pursue it. Than a couple days later I doubt if I even like doing it. Maybe it’s just the homework that bores me. But if that's the case than maybe I don’t like the career. Like wtf

I’m feeling really good about what’s to come :)

 I haven’t been on Tumblr in awhile so I’m really excited to see what's up lol