framed pinned butterfly;

between pages

with @lgcamelia

everything there is to learn can be found in books, at least that’s what noriko believed. even when it came to ballet, reading words on pages made more sense than someone telling her how to do it. it’s seemed bizarre to most, that the first thing she would grab when met with a subject she did not know, is a reading material, often, a book. it was not that she had utter dislike for applying theory, she just liked the way she can see it in her head. the way the imagery just leaps from the page, on her own terms.

nothing has changed to this very day really, she was still the same reach-for-a-book type. even with the limited time she had, every now and then, she’d find herself trying to pick a book to learn more about things that caught her attention. not that she’d finish most of them, there were stacks on her bedside that had become a makeshift phone stand for weeks now. she will get to those eventually… as soon as finished the short reading she had to do on this fascinating world of fashion and modeling.

she stumbled upon a few great articles online a few weeks back, but with the bootcamp and the audition, she had forgotten the print-outs. she only remembered that she had ordered a couple of back issues when a friend of hers from paris sent them over. the stack was taller than expected, but noriko was determined to finish it all by the end of the day, even if meant spending her break time at the cafeteria going through them. nose-buried between the pages, she begins to dive into this world that maybe she could escape to… if being an idol doesn’t work out well.

Amelia was always one for supporting others and helping them thrive. She was incredibly supportive of everyone and always cheered them on. She herself wasn’t one to read much but she respected people who did. Her close friends loved reading and Amelia would happily listen to them talk to her about them. Some people learned through reading, others listening. Amelia always learned through experience and sight. Even when she was at school, Amelia wasn’t always able to focus on the textbooks. She could read and retain the information, but she wasn’t one of those students who only did that.

It had been some time since she was at school and she was now a trainee in an entertainment company. To her surprise, even in a company such as Legacy, she would still see people reading textbooks, information books, or even just novels. She always admired them. Amelia wouldn’t be able to focus long enough to read a whole book so anyone who did was impressive to her. So when Amelia noticed someone in the cafeteria nose-deep in a stack of books, curiosity got the better of her and she moved closer to see what the other was reading about. Plus, this might even be a chance to make a new friend.

noriko doesn't notice the other girl until she spoke. she looks up, eyes meeting that of the other, mirroring her smile. "oh, sure! it's not a bother at all, have a seat!" she replies, caught off guard by the friendliness. she moves the stacks aside to make room for the other girl. "sorry, there's... a lot of this here." she adds, feeling the shyness crawling its way out from beneath the surprise. she knew for certain that, typically, people read things on their phones or their ipads. but there's something about not being able to touch the paper as she reads the words that makes noriko uneasy about it.

family is supposed to teach you about these things, noriko was sure of it. it’s normal for kids to have parents who will show them what they need by doing it for and with them, then later on teach them how to do it for themselves. that was how the stories she heard usually go, her friends would talk about how their dad would teach them how to ride a bike, to drive, and to do simple home repairs; and their mom would teach them how to cook, do laundry, and make sure their room is tidy. that was the trend of her friends’ stories, and then comes the annoyance and the shudders of how intrusive and over-the-top their parents can be.

it’s in the what-comes-after part that noriko always focused on. she hated the feeling of her stomach dropping when she remembers that none of it happened (or will ever happen) with her parents. she just kept dancing, none of that matters then anyway, she was fine. besides, she can’t take that resentment on stage, and even on the off chance that she did, she’ll make something entirely beautiful off of it. so why dwell? then moments like this one comes her way, and it all comes back to her, reminds her of how she truly felt about being neglected ignored.

no one had to know, she can just pretend it’s being overwhelmed by the many changes. noriko always got away with it anyway, she was good at pretending things were fine. no one cares about sob stories anyway, she just had to remember what she needs to do by asking or observing the other girls. “everything is shared unless it’s labeled.” she repeats with a nod; she didn’t mind sharing, that part she was used to, her host family was always kind enough to make her feel like she was part of the family – or how she imagined it to.

“snacks?” she repeats again, thinking to herself if she even had something she liked to snack on. noriko was not the type to ask for a specific kind, she just eats what’s there. an unkindly childhood memory comes to mind at the thought of snacks… but her mother is not here, and she can finally do what she wants. what she likes. “i like fruits and cucumber. oh! and pickles. i eat chips… sometimes.”

haeun is lucky to have two loving and doting parents. although they didn’t have much growing up, they both provided the best that they could. what they couldn’t have monetarily, her parents made up with affection and attention. haneul and haeun went without new toys and brand new clothes, sometimes wearing hand-me-downs from cousins. but that was life and life was still good despite any hardships.

it’s why haeun learned to cook. both her parents were amazing cooks. they had excellent communication with each other and would quickly trade off chores with the other if one was too tired. her parents weren’t resentful of each other. in fact they were very considerate people. it’s why haeun grew to be the way she was: following her parent’s example. this leads to why having their dismay and disapproval of her being an idol hurt her so deeply. she’s never not been supported by them before.

“yes unless it’s labelled,” she repeats. “and we take turns cooking. if you can’t cook, that’s okay. you can learn or just help in other ways.” she knows some of the dorm mates aren’t talented cooks (cherry) and allowing them near the kitchen might lead to burnt food or the dorm burning down somehow (cherry). haeun wanted it to be clear that noriko isn’t expected to suddenly be a 5-star chef any time soon. especially to a dorm that housed so many girls. “i usually cook a lot. my mom and dad taught me. it relaxes me. so really, don’t feel pressured.”

haeun is about to ask noriko if she knew what snacks were based on the hesitation to the question. thankfully, noriko is able to name a few things she enjoys. “okay so we have cucumber and fruits in the dorm already. i don’t think we have pickles though…” she leads noriko towards the aisle with pickles, grabbing two jars and putting it in their cart. “now i know there’s a lot of flavour chips we can look at!” she leads noriko back to the snack aisle, pointing out different chips and her personal favourites.

then the pang of envy peers its ugly head when haeun talks how she had come to learn about cooking. the image was clear in her head, a pretty little girl with her parents, laughing and enjoying themselves in their clean, polished kitchen. theirs was equally bustling when her parents had guests over, but there was no joy or excitement there, only the staff kept on their toes and the supposed smell of good food replaced with her mother rolling her eyes and sighing at the sight of her younger self. she'd learned her lesson and stayed out ever since, grab something already prepared by someone else. while food has become a good avenue for families to get closer, hers was filled with resentment.

she doesn't let her thoughts bring her mood down, instead focuses on how considerate and kind haeun is. if only her brother was like this, if he took the time of day to even try. "there is... a lot." she replies, standing agape at the sight of the aisle. she rarely went to these parts of the supermarket, or any store for that matter. not in sight, not in mind, was what they were always told, so she learned to snack on the approved food list, and now that she thought about it, it was not the happiest of days.

“That was a lot better this time around. Your joints, especially the ones in your arm are a bit stiff so try to loosen them up but don’t lose that firmness,” she started with general observations. “Some of your turns are at different speeds so working on making them consistent throughout would be a good idea. This is a personal preference but I also find them too slow for the choreography too, I’ll leave that up for you to decide. Apart from that, there’s nothing outstanding for now.”

"i'll keep that in mind." she replies at the feedback, biting her tongue just before she could let out a 'thank you'. a habit she had picked up over the years from one of her early ballet coaches. don't bother saying 'thank you', change it. and perhaps that was not a healthy response, but for now, she had more important habits to unlearn than becoming well-adjusted to feedback. the smile that pulls on her lips after her last remark probably made her look insane. but it gave her chills, the rush it gave her to prove yuxi wrong comes back. nothing outstanding... for now, she thinks. maybe she was not entirely gone just yet.

it didn’t feel like it, but noriko had done all the work. every kind of it, in fact. she had done the hard work, the smart work, the slow-and-steady work, the late-night work, the up-before-everyone-else work, and all every other kind of work there is. she was consistent, and disciplined, and focused. she did all that and it paid off, she got to paris… just like what she and everyone had already anticipated. it showed. but doing all the work here, was not the case. as she laid on the floor, just a couple of feet shy of haeseol, chest rising and falling as she stared at the ceiling, she can’t help but be frustrated by it.

she turns her head to look at haeseol, pouting back at her as she spoke, “it doesn’t look good ever for me too.” she replies with a light laugh before she sighs and looks back up at the ceiling. “you always sound good, and you are a competent singer, haeseol. you have those… i wish i sound even half as good as you.” she adds, voice slowly becoming silent as her words hit her. all she had right now is dancing, and even at that she sucked. “let’s take a break, i can’t feel my legs anymore.” noriko couldn’t believe that she was saying that, taking a break at the face of incompetence. “i wonder if i’ll ever be as good as them at all.” she sighs again, covering her face with her hands as she let out a muffled scream.

“I know! That’s why I’m so frustrated by this. I hate not getting things to go my way, but I have no one to blame but myself,” Haesol groans and drops her head, almost smashing her forehead on the cool floor of the practice room. “You’re a great dancer, though, unnie. And you’re also a better performer than I am. Trust me. You’re not being left behind here,” Haesol is… not the best at comforting other people, sure. She has her faults. She can admit that. But surprisingly, at this very moment, she’s not trying to make Noriko feel better. Haesol was stating the facts. As much as hurt for her to admit it, the fact is: they both suck as performers. 

where she came from, there was no room for anything else but perfection, and that was her life for years. for as long as she can remember. she lived and breathed that mindset, and unlearning it all while dealing with the reality of her shortcomings were not a great mix. but she tries, she really does. it was the likes of haeseol that will make her choose this place in a heartbeat, over the glory that was ballet. she had a good heart, and though they joke a lot about this friendship, noriko was genuinely happy to have become friends with her.

what wasn’t anticipated was the lost look on the other’s face when entering the supermarket. haeun didn’t clock it at first, but now looking back she realises the look of awe wasn’t normal. it wasn’t because she had no idea where to go — a part of her thinks it’s because this was her first time in a supermarket. the elder had subtly guided her in between the aisles.

“i go here whenever i need to,” haeun responds reflexively before realising the answer wasn’t helpful to the other at all. she blinks, turning to noriko before adding, “oh! when i run out of supplies. like toiletries or my snacks are running low. i also come when i’m cooking dinner and i need ingredients but—” and this was a big but. “we like to keep the kitchen stocked with all kinds of stuff so we don’t have to come back as often.”

haeun is realising that noriko needs a little more help than most although she’s not sure why. did her parents just always take care of her to the point where she needn’t lift a finger? haeun wasn’t sure. they were close but still learning about each other still. everyone’s background was different. haeun would learn in time.

“we also have designated cabinets in the dorm. so you’ll have one for all of your personal snacks and foods. we each have one. then there’s a pantry that has all of the shared stuff. the fridge is considered shared unless we wrote otherwise on the whiteboard on the fridge door!” it seems like a lot and haeun isn’t sure if any of the information is helping her. so haeun starts from the beginning again.

it's in the what-comes-after part that noriko always focused on. she hated the feeling of her stomach dropping when she remembers that none of it happened (or will ever happen) with her parents. she just kept dancing, none of that matters then anyway, she was fine. besides, she can't take that resentment on stage, and even on the off chance that she did, she'll make something entirely beautiful off of it. so why dwell? then moments like this one comes her way, and it all comes back to her, reminds her of how she truly felt about being neglected ignored.

no one had to know, she can just pretend it's being overwhelmed by the many changes. noriko always got away with it anyway, she was good at pretending things were fine. no one cares about sob stories anyway, she just had to remember what she needs to do by asking or observing the other girls. "everything is shared unless it's labeled." she repeats with a nod; she didn't mind sharing, that part she was used to, her host family was always kind enough to make her feel like she was part of the family -- or how she imagined it to.

⇢ with @lgcnoriko

between future dreams and the debut bootcamp, areum had found little time to spend outside of practice – and even with her early weekends she’d earned from her performance during the bootcamp, areum still found herself in the studio more often than not. that also meant that her time with the non-debut bootcamp trainees was minimal up until now, so she was more than happy to clock more hours in a practice room when it came with spending quality time with friends outside of the bootcamp. thus, areum ends up planning some time out for noriko – and for a perfect reason: the coming season of future dreams.

it was hard to believe that she’d just gone through season five just a few months ago before she was participating in yet another season. despite her stellar performance last season, areum knows that their chances could change on a dime. so, areum, like many others, was preparing to do her best. of course, that means she’s more than willing to aid her friends in doing much the same.

hence why she finds herself with her back pressed up against the mirror and her knees up against her chest, watching noriko perform her audition. there were so many good talents in legacy, areum had no clue how they were going to pick a lineup for the company’s next girl group – she simply knew that she wanted to stand up there, alongside her friends. so, she’d do what she could to help herself succeed, and hopefully rope some good friends in along the way.

hence, monitoring noriko’s audition.

the days were long, the nights even longer, and those minutes of receiving feedback were the longest. never did she imagine she'd be met with such words, but there she was, soaking it all in until she could not. she was a mess for a solid few months, admittedly, she had given up some weeks too. but she'd get a wake up call from small gestures by her friends, words of encouragements, and even the most trivial of things like a pat on the back or a letter from her stairwell friend. and the best of these gestures would have to spending time in the studio, no eyes focused on her while preparing a list of what she needs to do better on -- a list that doesn't seem to end back then.

after all that was said and done, the frustrating afternoons, nights she'd spent wanting to quit, and mornings she thought of not showing up, she finally made it here. there you are, she thinks just before she finishes another run of her audition piece, seeing the part of herself she thought she had lost while making her way to legacy. watching herself in the mirror as she danced these days was one of the most satisfying feelings she's ever had since coming here. she's wanted to see it for so long that she wanted to cry as the music finishes. thankfully, areum was there to save her eyes from the waterworks.

Her university decision, partially made as a means to escape that stifling atmosphere, had come to be scorned. Backhanded compliments (“artists and geniuses are so different, it’s hard to follow them”) followed with pitying glances full of schadenfreude (“their daughter was so good, it’s a shame that she’s wasting her potential going down the roundabout road in art”) and disdainful comments (“of course she’s taking architecture, she can pay her way into graduating and have her parents shove her a cozy position in the firm”). She’ll take the criticism but how dare they look down on her, and most importantly, the work she invested? Legacy wasn’t a way to leave behind those influences — Yuxi would rather quit altogether than admit that she had been partially swayed out of spite by them to prove herself — but it was a way.

noriko liked the idea that ballet showed what she had put in, not her brother's sighs, not her friends' indifference, and certainly not her parents' disregard. even the most painful of memories only ever resulted to something dazzling on stage. and that was the beauty of ballet, perhaps why she fell in love with it in the first place. it showed and made her feel that she, too, was capable of putting out something beautiful for the world to see despite its relentless cruelty towards her. she wanted to do the same here, in fact, even more so. auditioning for legacy was the first decision she had done solely for herself, her first act of bravery, and the fruits of her labor here will be sweeter and more beautiful than anything. if only the fruits would start showing...

practicing with. @lgcnoriko

“Noriko unnie,” Haesol whines as she sprawls out on the practice room floor like a starfish. She can feel her throat starting to complain since this feels like probably the hundredth time they are looking at themselves in the camera, and at this point, Haesol feels like throwing the towel. “I can’t bear to look at ourselves one more time. Why doesn’t it look good like ever?” She says dramatically with a hand on her forehead before turning on her stomach. She uses her hand as support for her head and pouts at Noriko.

and yet again, a hundred and one thoughts ran through her head. most of them were memories of feeling happy and relieved that she can be unapologetically be herself and talk about things nobody else seems to understand. she really thought she was finally finding some common ground with girls like herself, a feat that seemed impossible in ballet, at least not in a way that she wanted. noriko wanted to get along with other girls her age outside the walls of competition, past finding faults and weaknesses to pry on and be used against her. she wasn’t annoyed at him at all, she was annoyed that she was wrong again.

perhaps not? maybe it was her friend’s peculiar humor, one that she would entertain for now. who knows, she might just jump out and say it’s a prank and he was a friend of hers. “prove it.” she says out of sheer panic, the kind she always manages to hide beneath that arrogant, almost condescending tone she rarely ever uses. “prove you’re the one i’ve been writing to.” noriko continues, trying to pacify that growing distress that’s brewing in her chest, because what if he was telling the truth? how could she possibly miss it? why did she think that her friend was a girl when clearly, she… he is not? a part of her was desperate that he was not who he says he is, because a female e-sports player was way cooler, damn it.

thoughts ran through yunxi’s head. while the note in his hand could prove a bit of him being who he said he was, but she could just say that a “friend” could have given him the note. yunxi sighed as he moved the sleeve up his right arm and traced along certain parts of his arm. “this is what ended my career” he stated softly before reaching his arm out for her to inspect. obviously it would be hard to tell if she didn’t run her hand over it, just because his tattoo covered the scars. 

caught off guard by his action, she winces lightly, eyes darting at his arm... and then back at his face. when he begins to explain himself, noriko wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole. this was not the first meeting she was hoping for, and she clearly ruined the mood. she opens her mouth to speak, but no words can begin to explain how embarrassed she is at that moment. no apology will be enough, not when he just gave her one of the most crucial information. he wouldn't take that lightly if it was not really his story to tell... he'd have to be evil to do that.

improvement​

she had dedicated her entire life to ballet, had set her mind on where she will be training and what her future was going to look like. it was clear as day, the version of herself that would dance on stage, embodying whatever role she takes on. she had not strayed from that path, made plans, shaped her habits, set aside interests, distilled her emotions into one thing, and one thing alone… to dance. she had her heart, mind, and soul set on it, and she made it there. she was living the life she had wanted in paris. and there was no other place, it had always been paris. noriko told herself that for years and years, and she had somehow lived to believe it. until she didn’t.

it would have been less of a heartache if those years in ballet translated well into this idol training. like all those years, she wrote a plan, and though it wasn’t as intricate as that as the first path she had taken, she was determined to bring this plan into fruition. until she got to south korea, and had fallen to the bottom of the class. it did not feel good for someone like her, who had always been with the cream of the crop. how is it that she cannot move the way they were showing her to? the last time she checked her technique was flawless, her flexibility, unmatched. and yet here… she looked absolutely ridiculous dancing the basics like she had not danced for years, like her body had not been torn apart and put together again to dance the very best of ballet.

some progress had been made since then, but nowhere near where she wanted to be at. their encouragements and surprise were not enough. no offense to the new teachers and coaches here, but they never were. she was… is a ballerina, nothing will ever be good enough. she had shied away from doing ballet to focus on dancing the right way here that she swore she’s stiff all over. even as she’s dancing this choreography they had been working on, moving the way she was instructed to, and would probably be commended on. something still feels wrong. she stops and turns to look, sighing as she turns to look at her reflection again, “it could be better.” it was a response and a bite at herself altogether. “i was… better.”

       perhaps it was just difficult. why wasn’t life just like a math problem? having a certain solution to everything and to have a certain answer, life didn’t have any of those. there was no way sori could guarantee she would debut, no way. she was sure it was helping how much effort she put into growing better, how much time and dedication she used, but hell, she could become viral all over the country and a debut wasn’t guaranteed. she knew there was no way to secure debut, yet still she tried so hard, and was that even for the better? what if one day she got too old, wouldn’t it hurt more to know how much time and effort she put in to just end up not debuting rather if she hadn’t put everything she had into it.

it was a difficult thought, something she didn’t wish to think about too much, yet it was difficult not thinking about it. her friends were starting to debut, people she knew were beginning their careers, and what had sori done so far? she’d been on a single vlive. her brother, someone not hard-working at all had been on multiple vlives, he’d been on variety shows, he’d even been on future dreams, and sori had done none of that. her and her brother were the clearest example of no matter how much she put into legacy, she wasn’t guaranteed shit.

but what to do? she was like this today, still that small smile stands, and not being so recluse was better than nothing. this unpleasant feeling eating her up does not make her any less grateful, she truly is. perhaps one day she can tell the other, just... not today. when the words kept coming though, noriko felt a pinch in her chest. zero talent, is that she had become now? like her brother when he first came here? did she truly freefall from being at the top to... being someone who now had zero talent? from how she had been performing lately, very likely. "it just feels... what was it again, ah... discouraging." this slow progress with the language was not helping her either.

She nodded in agreement, repeating her mantra of “Overprepare for the future, live in the moment, but never look back.” (She squarely ignored the hypocrisy behind her words. What right did she have to lecture Noriko of that when she has been filled with nothing but regret, of resent, at coming to Legacy? A hypocrite and a fraud, that’s what she was.) Frustration and anger at herself mixed in with her worry for Noriko, overwhelming her already taut emotional capacity. 

“This is ridiculous,” she suddenly muttered, directed at no one in particular. She fixed her gaze at the other girl. “You made it all the way into Lausanne and Legacy, that has to count for something. People don’t get in by accident.” Discounting people like herself of course, Yuxi thought wryly.  “Now prove to everyone who approved of your casting that they didn’t choose the wrong person.”

even when she was hearing facts, a part of her still found it hard to believe. it made noriko wonder when she started doubting herself like this, when she began to be swayed by these terrible feelings. she did make it to lausanne and legacy, all by herself. she made it here without her parents' taunts or her brother's indifference when she tried to let herself into their little family. she was here now, and she has a chance to live the life she wanted, where her hard work would count for something, "that's true..." she replies quietly as she nods, "you're right." noriko didn't believe it wholeheartedly just yet, but saying it was a start.

A starter written for: @lgcnoriko

                      — Late, a few nights before bootcamp ends.

     "𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄'𝐒 𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐄 𝐓𝐄𝐀, i hope you like it.” her words were soft, not wanting to cause some kind of ruckus among the dorms seeing as the other girls were resting now.

yujin should be doing the same thing, playing catch up with her bad sleeping schedule that was so messed up. yet, she found herself sitting on the couch in the commons area with another trainee. she had wondered if noriko was struggling too. not that the older woman wanted anyone to relate with her, but it was always somewhat nice to know someone could, at least, understand. 

with a warm blanket wrapped around her shoulder, yujin slowly started to get comfortable to share a little chat with her friend. it truly wasn’t every day that she was willing to share certain things that raked her brain with anyone. hell, even her closest friends didn’t always know what was going on within her brain. that had created some invisible barrier between her and everyone in her life. it started to grow old, and yujin felt very comfortable around the other woman. 

she tiptoes elsewhere, worried that she'll scare off her roommates again with standing in the hallway, or the kitchen, perfectly still as she contemplates and stares at a speck of dirt on the wall. the couch at the common area was where she found herself, next to someone, who perhaps had grown tired of chasing slumber. it wasn't a good thought, but at least, she wasn't alone here. as much as she wanted to be by herself, she was exhausted of hearing her inner monologue of how maybe she should just go back to paris after all.

noriko had thought of a hundred and one ways on how this first meeting was going to play out. she imagined trying to be as outspoken and as fun as she is on paper, but soon realized that it would be an exhausting feat… and she will be caught early on. they know each other too well to go with that. and then, there’s imagining being this mysterious, brooding person that she tried to be at the beginning… but who was she kidding? she did not have enough interesting metaphors in her arsenal to be that mysterious. at least not when she had barely read any new books the last year.

the last thing that she expected is for the person she opened up to be is… “zheng yunxi…?” how can her friend be… a boy? it was not just her tone that was smothered with confusion and distress, she could feel her features demonstrating such. the way she was blinking way too many times to be seen as normal. it was not like the image before her would change into what she imagined if she did it that much. “i’m confused, i’m supposed to be meeting…” perhaps she was jumping into conclusions? maybe he just happened to be hanging out here? that’s probably it, she thought, a hopeful conclusion to this very confusing situation.

years and years of practice made seeing the silver lining in a sea of unfortunate circumstances an automatic state of mind for noriko. with a quick sigh and a smile pulling on her lips, she shrugs off her initial reaction, and instead tries to calmly speak, “it’s nice to meet you, i’m matsuyama noriko. but did you happen to see a girl waiting here… before you… came here? i was supposed to meet someone i was writing letters to.” she explains, unable to stop herself from oversharing because how else will she explain why she short-circuited for a moment there.

it was obvious that noriko didn’t realize it was him. or did she not want it to be him? either way she was quite adorable when she was confused. while she was talking he pulled out one of the notes from his pocket just incase she didn’t believe him. “why do you think its a girl?” yunxi knew he shouldn’t tease the girl, i mean if he was her he would also probably be confused. but he knew that he never spoke of his gender. he didn’t want that to be a thing to make a wall in their friendship.