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The origin of everything

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topherchris

lettheboydie

me irl

12izzy3

Pondering my plinko horse…

#me this is me irl #me every single day #real

lmaonade

i am not joking we need to force teach cooking in schools. like. it is an essential thing for survival. do you know how easy it is to make things if you know even the bare bones shit about how cooking works. we need to teach teenagers how far you can take an onion and some other veggies it''s sad that people grow up not knowing how to prepare literally anything. and i'm not talking about oh this home ed class taught me how to make chicken nuggets at home i'm talking about learning the balancing of sweetness and acidity and saltiness and bitterness and shit like that and techniques and oil temperatures and how meats cook. it needs to be taught because it's literally not even that difficult and it matters so much

lmaonade

i truly believe that knowing how to cook is a basic survival concept and the fact that so many people can't even make simple dishes is depressing as hell this is the sorta thing that should be taught at a young age. being able to take the ingredients you have around your home and turn them into a meal is like, essential and will make life so much better. you don't need to be a high end chef you just need to understand some things that can be easily taught... but then again maybe the education system is playing a roll against this and ultimately they want you to grow up to rely on mcdonalds for dinner. i don't know. please learn how to cook for yourself if you're able. i'm not asking you to hunt for specific ingredients to make some expensive youtuber's "best" recipe but if you know the basics of cooking you can do a lot with cheap canned ingredients. cooking can be affordable i promise you just need to learn how to make do with what you can get

eroticcannibal

Can anyone point me towards resources that teach those basics cus I would LOVE to teach my child this stuff but i dont know how to cook

loumandliker

not comprehensive but heres some:

internet shaquille's basics but especially:

making rice

making scrambled eggs

making oatmeal

levels of cooking meat

using & storing vegetables with recipes in the description (this one has a bit of Sassiness directed at people who dont like vegetables but the content is solid)

food safety + a recipe to demonstrate

how to learn to cook (just a list of subtopics, no actual tips)

cooking techniques playlist

how to cut x

basics with babish s1 & 2, but particularly:

freezer meals,

weeknight meals,

kitchen tools (although the specific suggestions are pretty expensive even with the lower end scale items the basic categories are solid, and you can evaluate what items you will realistcially need - eg. if you dont need to read temp for steaks etc the temp reader will not be relevant) &

kitchen care (mid-high advanced home cooking)

basic knife skills

picking the right pan for each recipe

j. kenji lopez-alt's tips and tricks playlist

egg recipes

a little more complicated, involved, and longer than any of the rest of these but good breakdown of flavor & how and why to use the basic seasoning/flavor profiles

and then recipe channels representing various cuisines:

j. kenji lopez-alt (various)

marion's kitchen (southeast & east asian, western/asian fusion)

maangchi (korean)

future neighbor (mostly korean)

the western supermarket playlist of chinese cooking demystified (more recipes available but these are accessible if you dont have "specialty" ingredients)

family recipes playlist by made with lau (chinese)

not another cooking show (various)

cooking with boris (bear with me here i know he does it exaggeratedly humorously but a lot of them are actually solid and beginner cook friendly. mostly slavic/russian)

you suck at cooking (also falls into the intentionally humorous category but most of the recipes are pretty solid anyway)

how to cook that (baking, also does debunking videos of viral cooking hacks - breaks down the reasons the hacks dont work, pretty important to understand those basics imo)

internet shaquille (various)

babish culinary universe (various)

i REFUSE to recommended joshua weissman because he is fucking insufferable but if you want you can try if you can deal with it, the techniques/recipes seem fine for the most part

again definitely not a comprehensive list but it touches on most of the basics

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asfgjfkgjnfkjgnkfjg

Affirmations for a New Years Resolution.

I can shapeshift into a monkey. I can easily shapeshift into a monkey. I can instantly shapeshift into a monkey. I can safely shapeshift into a monkey. I can easily shapeshift into my original form. I can instantly shapeshift into my original form. I can safely shapeshift into my original form. I can change my DNA in an instant. I am always safe when shapeshifting. My body is always safe when shapeshifting. My mind is always safe when shapeshifting. I keep my human color vision in my monkey form. My body masks my monkey DNA. I appear completely human when in my human form. My body masks my human DNA when in my monkey form. My spirit masks my primate aura and primate energy signature when I will it. My body absorbs every nutrient from the food I eat. I have full control over all of my forms. I innately know how to shift. I have full control of my shifts. I can easily tap into my subconscious mind. Psychic attacks are near impossible to execute upon me. My third eye is open wide. My chakras are safely open, activated and rejuvenated. Meditation comes easily to me. I can see and sense within my mind with absolute vividness and clarity as if in real life. Hypnosis works very well on me. I can easily break out of hypnosis or mind control at any time. I have perfect balance on any surface. I lose any fear of heights. I lose all fear of heights. I lose any fear of darkness. I lose all fear of darkness. I lose any fear of the unknown. I lose all fear of the unknown. I know when I am in danger and what to do about it. I am brave, strong and resilient. I tap into dragon energy to make me a powerful shifter. I tap into centaur energy to make me intelligent and clever.. I tap into griffin energy to make me brave and resilient. I am incredibly intelligent. I am incredibly clever. I am a powerful shifter. I can shapeshift at any time. When I am fully grown, my aging slows down. My lifespan is safely increased. My monkey form ages as I do. My monkey form has the color and pattern I want it to have. My fur color in my monkey form is rich and deep. My hair color in my human form is rich and deep. My monkey form looks exactly like I want it to look. My monkey form is beautiful. My monkey form is extremely fast, strong, agile, and flexible. My human form is extremely fast, strong, agile, and flexible. My body is incredibly efficient in all forms to provide safe efficient transformation. I have boundless, resplendent energy. I can safely absorb and disperse massive amounts of kinetic energy. I land softly from falls of any height. I can easily cling to any surface. I get stronger every full moon. Moonlight calms and refreshes me. I am tireless. I can safely go days without sleep. Three hours of sleep is like a full night’s rest for me. My digestive system safely digests beneficial food and drink at supernatural speeds. My digestive system intelligently utilizes anything beneficial and safely discards anything harmful. My digestive system is perfect in health and function. My digestive system is supernaturally efficient and able to extract maximum nutrition. I have enhanced senses. I have perfect vision. I have perfect hearing. I have a perfect sense of smell. I can track anything by scent alone. I have an incredible sense of direction. I can sense magnetic fields. I can use magnetic fields to know exactly where I am at all times. I enjoy all food. My monkey form can safely withstand any temperature. My human form can safely withstand any temperature. I am comfortable in any temperature. My eye color is soft and stunning. I can make my eyes glow in the dark at will. I can see perfectly in any light level. I have perfect hearing. I safely and naturally repel biting insects. I safely and naturally repel stinging insects. My physical health is perfect. My mental health is perfect. I can heal any wound instantly at will. I can make wounds seal up in seconds. My body swiftly heals fatal wounds. I have a high pain tolerance. My body feels little pain because I can heal wounds instantly. I know when I am being hurt. I am meant to be a shapeshifter. I know that I am meant to be a shapeshifter. I know that I am a shapeshifter. I am immune to all forms of mind control. I am immune to all negative programming. I am the sovereign of myself. I have indomitable willpower. I can do anything if I put my mind to it. I have a natural connection to primates. I can easily communicate with any primate. I can use telepathy with any primate. I love primates. primates love me. I can shapeshift any part of my body into part of my monkey form. I can summon the tail of my monkey form while in my human form. I can easily and safely make sounds like a monkey in my human form. I have retractable fangs in my human form. I can summon my fangs at will. I can retract my fangs at will. When my fangs are retracted they are impossible to detect. My retractable fangs are the perfect size for my mouth. My fangs are exactly how I imagine them. I have retractable primate claws in my human form. When my claws are retracted they are impossible to detect. I can summon my claws at will. I can retract my claws at will. My retractable claws are exactly how I imagine them. I am a master of fighting with my claws. I am a master of all forms of fighting. I am a master of fighting in my monkey form. I know when to talk and when to fight. I have supernatural intelligence. I am a great problem solver. I have perfect memory. I can easily remember massive amounts of related and unrelated information. I am extremely stealthy. I can travel anywhere without being seen or heard…. I am a master survivalist. I can survive in the wilderness easily. I can go a long time without food or water. I can survive any situation. I am grateful for any animal that dies to sustain me. I am a master hunter. I can easily detect lies. I have perfect balance…. All my chakras safely open, unblock, rejuvenate and flow with boundless energy. I can shapeshift into a normal sized monkey at will…. I can shapeshift into a giant monkey at will…. My giant monkey form is as large as I want it to be…. I can shapeshift into an anthropomorphic, monkey…. My anthropomorphic, monkey form is the height I want it to be…. My anthropomorphic, monkey form has the same color and pattern of my normal monkey form…. My anthropomorphic, monkey form looks exactly how I want it to look…. I have a human mind in all of my forms…. I have full control in all of my forms…. I can hybridize my monkey form with any of my other forms…. Any clothes I am wearing vanish when I shapeshift into a full monkey…. Any clothes I am wearing when I shapeshift into a full monkey reappear on my body when I shapeshift into my original form…. I intuitively know if it is a bad idea to shapeshift…. I can sense other shapeshifters from miles away. I can see perfectly in pure darkness. I have a deep respect for nature. I have a deep respect for primates. I can speak human languages while in my monkey form. I can use any powers I have while in my monkey form. All fillings, crowns, and cavities in my teeth are replaced with healthy tooth material. My teeth are perfectly white and healthy. My immune system is incredibly strong and safely wipes out all disease and cancer cells. My body is always safely full of energy and at peak performance. My mind is free of all limiting beliefs preventing me from reaching my goals. My mind is powerful. All positive and beneficial affirmations program my subconscious instantly. Affirmations I desire program my subconscious instantly. Affirmations I approve of program my subconscious instantly. I safely take in and absorb all subliminals. I bypass negativity to create instant and infinite results. All results gained from this subliminal are permanent.

duskargentum

Horse Portal

duskargentum

I HAVE MADE A HORRIFYING MISTAKE

duskargentum

Horse Portal

duskargentum

Uh oh

duskargentum

Horse Portal v3.0: Patch Notes

Un-centipeded the horse

fieldofshit

Phil Le Venimeux

nflstreet

thejorie-deactivated20160327

My three girlfriends. And yes, they smoke weed.

pebleeee-deactivated20151227

do they smoke weed?

thejorie-deactivated20160327

Yes, actually.

gucciballs-deactivated20200720

you mean she isnt just smoking a cigarette? but a weed cigarette?

thejorie-deactivated20160327

It’s called a bunt…. Not weed cigarette… And yes, it is a weed bunt. They all smoke weed bunts before we kiss. (They are my girlfriends,)

gccgrimm-deactivated20160818

They don’t look like they smoke weed.

thejorie-deactivated20160327

Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. I’m so angry you are so lucky my three weed smorking girlfriends are rubbing my shoulders to calm me down I’m so mad.

madamekagamine

Your “weed smoking girlfriend” has a Hello Kitty tattoo on her belly. The one in the middle.

thejorie-deactivated20160327

I printed out a photo of your avatar and taped it to my punching bag that I punch and I mutter your URL with every strong punch I punch you twerp…. Don’t ever Talk about Blaiz or the wicked Tat(tattoo) I drew on her ever again I Don’t wanna see you standing outside my home at 3 am holding your weird dripping brown bags ever again ok leave us alone this is the FINAL FUCKING WARNING

19leahjade96

Well that escalated quickly……

thejorie-deactivated20160327

What, was that? Hmm? Come again. *Blaiz grabs my shoulder* Come on Jory, they aren’t worth it, please. * I jerk my shoulder shaking her hand off* NO! NOOOOO!!! *starts to just pummel you with my big fucking fists. With each blow I let out a furious yell. The blows come quicker and harder and the yells get louder. I’m yelling so loud and now I’m crying. BREAKING POINT. The week was hard and I can’t take anymore. I’m opening sobbing at this point while you blood gurgle. All three of my girlfriends struggle to pull me off and they finally succeed and lead me away from the goo pile that is now your body*

jackaxed

haha oh my god

who even is this dude? someone needs some anger management classes.

love how he keeps reminding us that “I HAVE THREE GIRLFRIENDS”, “THEY ALL KISS ME”, and “THEY SMOKE WEED HURRP DURR”.

and let’s not forget the “Blaiz” and her “wicked tat”, or that he doesn’t “wanna see you standing outside [his] home at 3 am holding your weird dripping brown bags ever again”, and that this is “the FINAL FUCKING WARNING”.

“the goo pile that is now your body”

i’m dying over here, jesus

please, Jory, come challenge me to a bout of internet witticsisms; i promise, it’ll be fun.

thejorie-deactivated20160327

*shoots you dead* Heh, idiot… *leaves with my three weed smorking girlfriends to go hold hands and kiss.*

anemonequeen-moved

this dude playin omg

thejorie-deactivated20160327

Come again? *The bar falls silent. No one dares to make a sound, as you have just said a very poor choice of words at a very dangerous time. I remain slumped over the bar, not looking back to you. One hand limply holding an almost empty bottle, the other hand cradling my head. I repeat the question, this time louder.* Come again?! *You can hear me slur the words, the sentence sounds like a real struggle for me to get out. I’m clearly intoxicated. A bead of sweat rolls down your face as you realize you might have just fucked up in a very major way. Everyone else in the bar is pretending to not notice what is going on. The bartender idly washes a mug with a cloth. His eyes are closed and he’s muttering something to himself. A handful of people hurriedly leave. One person looks back at you, a look of sorrow on their face. They almost say something, but shake their head and cast their eyes down to the floor, and leave. But not you. You stand, petrified. A quick look at me reveals I’m still at the bar. You look to the exit, there’s still time. But there’s not, there’s not, there’s not. Your fate was sealed the moment you opened your mouth.* Mother fuck.. what did you say?! *I slowly rise from my stool and being to lumber over to you. I look a mess. My hair is unkempt, I haven’t shaved in what looks like months, there are dark heavy bags under my eyes, my shirt is stained and has holes in it, and I’m missing a shoe. But the main thing you notice is the gun tucked into my jeans, and my massive muscle arms that look like they were made for punching. You know that song about the boots that were made for walking? Yeah, it’s like that only instead of boots it’s my muscles and instead of walking it’s punching. As I drunkenly sway over to you, you think of your family… Will they mourn you, or will they try and forget this blotch of stupidity, that their child insulted the Jory publicly, ever happened to their family? Your thoughts are cut short as I now stand face to face with you. I grab your face and pull you even closer.* Playin?! There was nothing playing… no playing you fuck. No playing… it was real.. the realest thing I’ve ever know.. felt… Love. I loved them… Blaiz…. Chas-Chas… Funk… I loved all three of em… but they…*My face is wet with tears and I’m blinking constantly in vain to hold them back.* They left me… left… *Almost instantly the sadness leaves my face and is replaced with pure anger.* Playin? Playin?! *My hand leaves your face and starts to head to what you think is the gun. You close your eyes and see God looking at you, shrugging. ‘Pft, you brought this upon yourself dude.’ He says as he waves his hands at you dismissively. But instead of the gun, my hands grab yours. Your eyes jolt open and the anger is gone from my face. There is only sadness.* Left me… * I fall to the floor and sob.* Wow, grow up. *You say before you leave the bar but are hit almost immediately from a car and are killed upon impact.*

heritageposts

date of origin: 2015

funky-writer-man

What.

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dykecadence

every moment of every day i am thinking about this tiktok

purrfectly

Lumpfish come in a variety of shapes and colors.

[He scoops up the fish, it spits water and he turns it toward the camera]

This one is stumpy and green. Very beautiful, very powerful.

[He picks up another fish and turns it toward the camera]

This is what a normal lumpfish looks like. It is more elongated, but still a vibrant blue color. Very beautiful, very powerful.

[He picks up another fish and turns it toward the camera]

This is one of the stumpiest ones we have. Its hump is very high. It is very stumpy, but yet very beautiful, and very powerful.

[He pans over a lot of fish, all looking up at the camera]

My fish army is ever growing, and soon I will over throw the world. Very beautiful, very powerful.

saint-batrick

because of this tiktok, i frequently murmur “very beautiful, very powerful” at myself, and i cannot recommend it enough.

cloverpatchthecat

This dude, the one who’s tiktok this video came from, is the greatest. The lumpfish dont flop all over the place like most fish would because theyre USED to being held, so they can be weighed and measured. He also keeps crabs, urchins, shrimp, lobsters, and starfish. He might have more, idk its been a while since I checked his tiktok.

But he’s pretty great and I love this video so much, very beautiful, very powerful.

sapphorrific

BITCH

matusz383

homosgenic

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988) dir. James Signorelli

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emergency-broadcast-system

Now you can understand how it sounds when i hear any siren

terbo-dreamscape

art

ruimtetijd

tornado sirens normally: 📢⚠️🌪 THERES A TORNADO 📢💥❗️

these tornado sirens: 💫🌸✨ there's a tornado 🥰 🌈🌱

Hat

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