pfp by @isa-ah

2 years later...

signs of a healthy friendship w/ an adult:

they don’t do the obvious predatory things; they don’t send you sexual content or ask you sexual questions, they don’t tell you that you don’t “seem” like a minor, they don’t start inappropriate conversations

they don’t do the less obvious predatory things; they don’t ask you to keep secrets or try to isolate you from others or ask inappropriate favors or use you as a key source of emotional support*

you’d be comfortable with your parents seeing your conversations (or, if you can’t trust your parents, you’d be comfortable with a trusted adult seeing your conversations)

they’d be comfortable with your interactions being shown to people; they don’t ask you to ‘hide’ anything

they set clear boundaries; they tell you when they’re not comfortable offering guidance, when they’re uncomfortable with a conversation in general, etc.

they respect YOUR boundaries; they drop or redirect conversations when asked, they don’t ask for invasive details about trauma or your living situation, etc

you aren’t nervous about telling them when you’re uncomfortable - or at least, you aren’t more nervous than you are with anyone else. some ppl have anxiety disorders or struggle to articulate discomfort, i get it

on that note, you shouldn’t feel more anxious or nervous around them than you do around other trusted adults.  

you don’t need to have a Reason for the nervousness - sometimes a person’s intensity or conversational style is just stressful.  the same might happen w/ peers your age.  a beneficial friendship shouldn’t make you feel consistently tense/on edge, even if the other party hasn’t done anything “wrong”

(people don’t need to Commit A Transgression for you to want to stop interacting with them.  if they’re not making your life better, you don’t need to keep them in your life.)

your friendship is based around mutual interests - fandoms you enjoy, creative work you’re doing, hobbies you share, etc.  you both have an equal interest in the things you talk about, & your conversations focus on common ground between you

you’d be comfortable with them interacting with others in your life - peers your age and trusted adults.

they are respectful of you as a person; they act with appropriate awareness of your age, but they don’t condescend to you or tell you they wish you were older or treat you like an infant they’re in charge of babysitting. basically, they aren’t an asshole.

if they are comfortable being asked for emotional support or guidance (not all adults are!), they offer advice and support from the perspective of a mentor, rather than the type of support you’d expect from a peer your age.  they’ll also tell you when they don’t feel like they can give helpful advice (see: boundaries)

there are other healthy signs; these are just some basics

please note that it is possible for friendships to have some of these elements while still being unhealthy.  this is not a checklist for a Guarantee Of Healthy Dynamics And Stability.  it is, however, a good place to start if you’re not sure what an okay friendship with an adult looks like.

*the emotional support thing is complex: there’s nothing wrong with comforting an older friend who’s sad or grieving or having mental health struggles.  but you Shouldn’t be a person they’re Relying Upon for support - they shouldn’t be leaning on you for constant help managing their feelings/struggles.

this is bc adults and adolescents tend to be in very different places where emotional processing is concerned.  an adult will find more helpful emotional support from other adults, similar to how you might find more relatable emotional support from your peers than from adults. it’s bc of where different people are developmentally

(also, like, an 18 year old and a 17 year old are very similar developmentally.  a 30 year old and a 17 year old are not.  how much older they are makes a difference.)

an adult who depends heavily on you for support isn’t Necessarily doing so with predatory intent.  but they Are making the choice to ask an adolescent to be partially responsible for their emotional wellbeing.

you’ll see a lot of people talk abt the trauma of being the emotional support system for their parent(s) growing up (and might have experienced it yourself); similar dynamics are at play here.

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