It feels like this every time I write a fic

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@lesbiansoncaffiene
It feels like this every time I write a fic

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Regaining my queerness; some thoughts
I spent the last 6 months being a straight, cis man’s girlfriend.
Which frankly is something I never thought I’d say after my freshman year of high school.
I identified as lesbian for 4 whole years before I ever looked at him any differently. I thought my lesbian-ness was set in stone. I thought my understanding of myself was complete at the age of 14.
For many people, those of us who are raised as women specifically, this is the expectation. To have our whole lives figured out so we can accommodate to those around us, especially the ones raised as men, as they are allowed to take their time, make mistakes, and change their mind as they grow well into adulthood. Not that this is necessarily their fault, but it is the societal expectation. Once someone AFAB hits their teenage years, they should have it figured out. Once they hit their teenage years, they are expected to remain mostly the same.
This is simply not the case, although I believed it at the time.
I am not saying all people who identify as lesbian will eventually reevaluate. Far from it. I admire those who have known their identity from an early age. I am in awe of lesbianism, of the culture it has, of the pure beauty of a diverse sense of womanhood and acceptance and love it represents. That’s why I was reluctant for so long to question it.
I was raised Catholic, and thought that my attraction to men was simply comphet, something I wanted to have but didn’t. And for many years I was comfortable with this idea. And for many people who identify as lesbian, this is their truth.
It was not mine, however. So when I began to look at a man as someone I could spend the rest of my life with in a romantic way, I panicked.
Like I said, I had identified one way for so long. I didn’t want to play into the trope that ‘all lesbians are actually attracted to men deep down’ or ‘we’re all a little bisexual’. So I resisted, and once I couldn’t anymore, I kept it very quiet.
Eventually, we started dating, and I barely had time to come to terms with being bisexual and this whole new identity before I upended my life to move 400 miles away from him and my family and my support system for college. And it was hard. So many life changes were going on at once and I couldn’t even begin to sort through all of it.
I was scared. But I loved him, and I began going to therapy again, and for a while it was fine if I didn’t think about it too much.
But every time I came home, I became his long distance girlfriend. I felt my queerness was completely stripped from me, every part of it. The bisexuality erased because I was dating a man. The transness erased because I am heavily feminine presenting. The asexuality erased because we were having sex and I am working through a lot of childhood sexual trauma.
It wasn’t bad, but it was a bit… isolating. Like I was a million miles away from the queer community I had belonged to for so long. I did not realize this until after we broke up, though.
He ended things because he didn’t see our goals aligning in the future. And it shattered me. Me, who a year ago was a very vocal man hating lesbian, was now crying in my parents guest room because I had fallen in love with a man and he had broken my heart.
A typical 18-year-old girl experience. But I am not just an 18 year old girl. I’m not even a girl, really. I have lived through foster care and all kinds of abuse and endured much more than most people my age, yet heartbreak and loneliness and a missing sense of belonging still plagued me after the breakup. They still plague me now.
One of the things I am doing to heal is to figure out how my queerness fits into the life I live now, one so completely different from the one it used to fit into when I was in high school. I’m not even sure what that looks like, to be honest.
But to start, I am dressing more masc, more sweatpants and big sweatshirts now that it’s colder where I live.
I am listening to more gay pop, MUNA and Chappell Roan now dominating my playlists.
I am working out, channeling my energy into building up my strength and mobility and looking hot and strong while doing it. One of my favorite parts of it is dressing in oversized T-shirts to go to the gym one day and then in a cute little workout set to go to the gym the next day.
I am wearing my binder again.
I have a bisexual flag up in my room, and every day I look at it and feel the settling in my chest of something feeling right, that label making sense for me and what I know about myself right now, and becoming more accepting of myself as the days go by.
I am learning more about bisexual culture. My roommate is also bisexual and we have a blast comparing our experiences being bi.
It’s not like I couldn’t be myself with him. If I’m honest, he loved every part of me in a way I have never been loved before, even if he didn’t fully understand it. He very much tried to. He asked questions, helped me sound out answers when I couldn’t explain something, and trusted me to know myself and explain it to him when I felt I was ready. And that is something so very special.
But I was separated from a community I had loved for so long. And now I am finding my way back, one gay joke at a time. Amongst all the heartbreak, I am finding a space for all parts of me, broken and healing and otherwise.
And I think that’s the beauty of queerness, always always always finding somewhere to belong, even as what you know about yourself changes over time.
Aftg is so funny because Neil had so many chances to escape certain death but he just wanted to play stickball so fucking bad
With the way Aaron moans about it, Andrew thinks that the hardest thing about his brother's life as a doctor is the amount of times he spends convincing patients that no, he's not Andrew, yes he's really the twin brother, listen you can google it later do you want your appendix removed or not.
This is not wholly accurate. For one, last week he had a teenager loudly proclaim him to be an evil clone who wants to harvest his (failing) kidneys for spare parts. So there's highlights.
But the real hardest thing about being a surgeon is, shocker, the surgery. Because surgery is half a dozen people standing around for several hours. And most of the time, they alleviate that with music. But sometimes, usually in the summers when the new residents come in, Aaron gets stuck fielding the dumbest personal questions of all time.
"Is your brother really Andrew Minyard?" No I'm an evil clone weren't you listening to the kid before we put him under?
"What's Andrew like?" He's my brother, make an educated guess.
"In interviews he seems like a really cold guy." Are you hoping for me to peer review all of your opinions or something?
"I heard he beats up his teammates." They probably deserved it.
"Wait does that mean you know Neil Josten?" Unfortunately.
"Did he really kill his mafia parents?" You guys will really believe any dumb shit you see on the internet won't you.
"Is Josten really sleeping with Kevin Day in secret?" Never say those words to me ever again.
"I heard Josten made one of his teammates get a divorce because he didn't like the wife." Oh that was real. He stole their bank records to prove she was stealing from their joint account for her gambling addiction. Don't tell anyone though.
One of my favourite parts of working with kids is like… Very Gently subverting their idea of gendered topics… Like if a girl goes ‘no, sharks are a boy thing’ and you go “UM ACTUALLY THATS STUPID AND INCORRECT” they get freaked out, but if instead u go “Are you sure? Cause I think sharks are awesome, here’s a scale picture of a Megalodon” it’ll blow their tiny mind and they’ll be shitting themselves over it for days. 100% effective, 10/10 recommend
Good example of this happened in a class I taught recently. Kids were making predictions about a text we’d be studying based on an illustration of the character: boy with spiky blonde hair wearing a pink football kit.
The first kid to respond said, “I think this is a girl that likes to play football.” I said “what gave you the idea that the character is a girl?” Obviously they pointed out the pink, to which I replied how pink was one of my fave colours and they just looked at me wide-eyed. Then the next said, “No it’s got to be a boy. He’s got short spiky hair.” Of course, I then listed all the female people they might’ve heard of who also have short spiky hair and, honestly, the puzzled looks on their little faces were priceless.
Anyway, they continued to debate which gender the character was using phrases like: “but he … and look at his …” or “so why is she … and maybe her …” which was the point I decided to stop them and ask: “If we can’t be sure whether the character is a he or she, should we really be using those pronouns?” And I kid you not, without any persuasion from me and after only the briefest of discussions, these children unanimously agreed that the best pronoun to use would be “they” until they knew their gender for certain. They then continued their discussion using gender neutral terms throughout without any fuss whatsoever. And these are 6 and 7 year olds.
Hey the message of this post is great and all but ‘a scale picture of a meglodon’ what the f u CK
Honestly my seven year old neice screamed once I told her that girls can have short hair and now shes pestering her mum for short and also blue hair
By the way here’s a scale picture of a Megalodon

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Everybody say a silent prayer for me as I smash the head of baby Jesus clean off this statue in the name of art.
I just cannot for the life of me figure out how to snap this kid's neck without breaking his mom, but giving him a new, cooler head is vital to my vision and it simply gotta go.
So the thing about that is, I gave up and crushed it with a wrench and the shards flew all over the place.
Just like in the Bible.
Massive hater alert from the graven images fandom.
Anyway,
Oh, Deer Lord.
You're right it was Necessary
obsessed with neil josten being too stingy to buy clothes for himself but instead opting to spend his fortune on a fancy sports car for his boyfriend and to put a hit on jean’s abuser
There are a lot of contrasts between Neil and Jean's point of view but my favourite is the fact that Neil is not aware of physical attraction as a concept while Jean is attracted to everyone he meets and REALLY pissed of about it.
AFTG is a very good example of narrator bias, because if we didn’t get a book from Jean and Jeremy’s POVs we would have no way of knowing the world does not actually in fact revolve around one Andrew Minyard
Desperately have to know if there’s a big exy draft like there is for the NFL because it’s NFL draft time and I think about it every year and now I have to know
Like do the top picks get to bring their families into VIP tents?? Does Kevin become a no. 1 pick (cause obviously, he’s the Son of Exy) and they get a shot of him and Wymack hugging when his name is called and team is announced?? Do they have them take professional pics not in their college gear beforehand to show on TV next to their name and stats?? When Neil and Andrew get drafted on the same team do they cut to the reaction cam of them in their apartment with the rest of the OG foxes and everyone is going apeshit (partly because of the alcohol and partly because now they won’t have to deal with them being all over each other (in their own way) when they finally do get to see each other) and Neil is just smiling at Andrew and Andrew’s eyes are smiling back and the Andreil shippers on Twitter go wild over that clip for months?? DO THEY GET BANNERS/POSTERS THAT SAY ‘Palmettos Own’ NEXT TO THEIR NAMES PUT UP IN LOCAL BARS AFTER THEY GRADUATE??
This is absolutely vital information for us who grew up on American football Nora Sakavic drop more Exy lore PLEASE

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Jeremy and Jean are living inside my head and I don't care that they don't pay rent (working on some redesigns for these two)
jeremy’s the type of guy to talk about the epic highs and lows of high school exy
i’d say kevin, but he was homeschooled 🫡
1 I think we've all seen it by now but tsc will be out april 13. english ebooks will be avail same places the first three are, paperbacks will be a lil bit later (easier to correct digital than print, so delay is a buffer for any emergency typos) 2 probably won't see the cover until it's out, bc it's not ready yet, but it's not an emoji (woe) or a sun. (unfortunately it cannot be a mascot either on account of me not wanting USC to execute me on sight)
3 still sorting out which pics of LA to post, I've got about 30 set aside to review but I def don't want to upload that many. they'll likely go up the same day the book is out
4 wrt TSC2, one person guessed correctly that TEB is "Two: Electric Boogaloo". TFS is "this fuckin sucks" because tsc2 is being a nightmare. TAF is "these're all fake". Its actual title was decided back in mid Feb but yall will have to wait til later this year for it
I fully believe Neil sent this to the foxes post Baltimore

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i love that neil spends majority of aftg being like omg they cannot find out that there is something wrong with me i have to be normal. and everyone who interacts with him is like Bro what the fuck is wrong with you
controversial writing tip
open a document and start writing
unrealistic. blocked,