Absurdity Is The Source Of Awesomeness @aledethanlast - Tumblr Blog

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andmaybegayer

Bronze age ship discovered

look inside

made of wood

sophia-epistemia

it's made of wood because all the bronze was used to make the age, not the ships. obviously

andmaybegayer

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beholdingslut

in absolute tears about the pride module at my work

dikdikpronouncedxylophone

bigfoots-biggest-fan

HOLY SHIT GUYS, I WAS INSPIRED BY THIS POST TO TRY MAKE THE SONG AND YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE THE SCREAM I SCRUMPT WHEN I DRAGGED THE TRAINING AUDIO OVER THE BACKING TRACK AND IT LINED UP PERFECTLY

Visit Original Link

Tempted to actually put this on spotify so I can secretly stream it at work...

Tagging @batshit-auspol because as an Australian you're the only big account I know who might share (sorry).

punkrorschach

happy first day of pride everyone

prokopetz

It's actually a bit surprising to me that we haven't seen contemporary meta brainfuck indie games do more than they have with 1990s point and click adventure games' penchant for developer-intended softlocks. That feels like something you could very easily spin as Saying Something.

prokopetz

Honestly, having grown up with this bullshit is probably a big part of the reason I'm fascinated with player-hostile game design. Giving a puzzle three different solutions with fully voiced and animated reactions to each, except two of those solutions render the game unwinnable in ways that won't become apparent until hours later is a level of "fuck you" that most modern games with pretensions of player-hostility can only dream of!

prokopetz

@lunchm34t replied:

what adventure games softlock you like that?

I'm usually loathe to suggest TV Tropes as a resource, but given that only a person who's entirely unacquainted with the genre would be asking that question, a primer is probably warranted. Check out the Unwinnable By Design article and read the preamble for context on the types of softlocks we're discussing, then hit either the "Sierra" or "Infocom" links (yes, those two publishers each have their own dedicated sections!), pop open the "Cruel" tab, and get ready to read some stuff that makes you mad.

sd-d0-l1y

There really is only one correct way to play some of these games huh.

prokopetz

A critical piece of context that a lot of modern gamers completely miss is that Douglas Adams' adventure games are works of parody not only in terms of their narratives, but also in the sense that they're rather vicious parodies of adventure games as a genre. Each of their absurdly obtuse puzzles is lampooning some puzzle design trope or set of tropes that was legitimately commonplace at the time they were made, and many of the really nasty bits are crafted specifically to piss off experienced adventure game fans who otherwise wouldn't get caught out by that sort of thing. They're outliers in the genre only in the sense that they're putting forth extra effort to be annoying about it – most games of the type pull the exact same shit entirely without remark!

my-castles-crumbling

When Shane misses Ilya, he scrolls through his boyfriend's social media to see his smile. And then one day he accidentally likes a picture from 2010 and Ilya calls him to give him shit about it. "Wow Hollander, you are such a stalker, do you not know I am taken?"

prongsfass

Flesh is weak.

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prongsfass

Flesh is weak.

grenadineghost

you want to be mommy’s adjective noun, don’t you, pet name? you want to verb and verb for mommy like a good gender

alhyastarain

you want to be mommy's weird potato, don't you, Brian? you want to skip and somersault like a good jester

artbyblastweave

Anyway one of the ways by which you can tell that I’m not God is the sheer number of individuals who haven’t been spontaneously transmogrified into amorphous, quivering, mouthless lumps of undifferentiated but fully cognizant nervous tissue

artbyblastweave

☝️watch this space

highoctarine

Hey so my dad just got transmogrified into an amorphous, quivering, mouthless lump of undifferentiated tissue. Mayyybe still cognizant - hard to tell, it's past his bedtime so even on a normal night he's pretty unresponsive now.

Not that I'm blaming you or anything. Probably a coincidence.

Buuut maybe you could try untransmogrifying him? I need his help w car repair tmrw, and he can't hold a torque wrench when he's quivering like this. Thanks!

artbyblastweave

Incredibly sorry! We were aiming for your mother

homunculus-argument

The Odyssey but retold as a low-stakes modern adventure of one guy out with his girlfriend leaving the bar with his buddies to do just one (1) simple thing real quick, it'll take like 15 minutes tops, he'll be right back, but then some bullshit happens and the trip keeps getting more complicated as more bullshit keeps happening while he just tries to get back to the bar because he promised his girlfriend that he'd get back and he knows that she's still there because she told him she'd wait there.

And by the time he finally gets back it's almost 3 am and the bar is about to close while she's sitting there stone cold sober, surrounded by 5 drunk guys unsuccessfully trying to convince her to give up on waiting for him and go home with one of them instead. And the guy shows up to proceed to beat the shit out of them before explaining himself to her like hey sorry bullshit kept happening, my phone fell into a storm drain and my wallet got stolen when I was trying to find someone who'd borrow me a phone so I could call and

thekijs

His girlfriend had been fending off the 5 drunk guys for most of the evening by explaining that even if she was going to ditch her boyfriend, she can't possibly leave without finishing her beer, which she is keeping perpetually full via careful sleight of hand where she's just pouring it back and forth into and out of the pitcher.

However the drunk guys are also drinking, and eventually she can't afford to buy another pitcher for the table so she can't keep up the ever-full beer glass trick. At this point she has to resort to setting up the pool trick shot that she's never seen anyone but her boyfriend pull off, and says she'll leave with whoever manages the shot first.

That buys her another hour or so and then, finally, her boyfriend makes it back. He looks like shit, hair down and just a mess, he's wearing an entirely different jacket that he got from an alley, and barely recognizable—especially to 5 guys who've been drunk for hours now. He lurks for a minute, finds out what's going on, and proceeds to pull off the trick shot first try. Throws the jacket off, fixes his hair with a hair tie his girlfriend lends him, finally looks like himself again, and THEN beats the shit out of them with the pool cue.

weaselle

yuh i was there, that's how it happened

hollanovarchive

I pulled some stories from my texting and social media lists, so if you see duplicates, that is why.

Hollanov Coded Fics

🏒 English Lessons with Ilya | 1.1k

In which Ilya Rozanov self-appoints himself the official unofficial English tutor to one very confused Luca Haas

🏒 Party Planning | 1.2k

Zane Boodram tries to plan his next barbecue. Ilya Rozanov refuses to let anyone know peace. Shane suffers in silence (mostly).

🏒 Fairy Godfather | 1.5k

Ilya is determined to buy the Pike children's love

🏒 Where Is Shane Hollander? | 1.6k

Shane Hollander is missing. He never made it to the cottage, and no one knows why.

🏒 I Loved Meeting You | 1.6k

Shane Hollander covers the Ottawa Centaurs with a discipline that borders on devotion. He was meant to be on the ice himself until his childhood best friend died and hockey became something he could only endure from the outside. When superstar Ilya Rozanov is suddenly traded from Boston to Ottawa, Shane can hardly breathe around the news. He will do whatever it takes to become Ilya’s assigned reporter, to earn proximity, to recover the career he lost and the man he has studied for years as if admiration could substitute for touch

🏒 Shane Hollander, #1 | 1.7k

🔒Nobody had ever not described Shane Hollander as competitive. And certainly nobody who knew him had laughed at the idea that he was possessive about his husband. Shane grinned, and clicked on the stupid Twitter tag

🏒 You’re Giving Me Gray Hairs | 1.8k

the young Centaurs players have made it a goal in life to stress Ilya and Shane out at all times.

🏒 No Angry Kitten | 2.1k

ilya sends shane yet another picture of an angry kitten. (a texting & social media fic)

🏒 Kiss Me Thru the Phone | 2.2k

As told through a series of texts, memes, and very bad attempts at flirting while trying to be casual.

🏒 Ilya vs Omegaverse | 2.2k

Ilya discovers the omegaverse and makes the idea of a pregnant Shane everyone's problem

🏒 #RedditGate | 2.3k

In which Shane Hollander's Reddit account is discovered by a Twitter user and sub-sequentially Ilya Rozanov's account is found by association

🏒 #Hacked | 2.7k

The Official Ottawa Centaurs account gets hacked

🏒 You Will Never Escape Me | 2.8k

Surely Ilya Rozanov knows how to behave in groupchats with his peers and colleagues

🏒 Ilya’s Ipad Baby | 2.8k

Ilya is an online menace much to everyone's dismay

🏒 Like for Like | 3.1k

A nostalgic what-if where, instead of meeting at the World Junior Hockey Championships in 2008, Shane and Ilya meet a full year earlier - in a hockey group on Facebook. (Part 2)

🏒 One Mane Advice Column | 3.2k

a childless Ilya Rozanov is somehow the go to guy for everyone's parenting advice needs

🏒 Shane Hollander vs. the Power of Friendship | 3.4k

Shane gets added to the Ottawa Centaurs WAG group chat and gets the support network he didn't know he needed.

🏒 Kissgate | 3.5k

Twitter is thrown into chaos when a FanMail video leaks showing Ilya and Shane in a passionate embrace

🏒 Timeline Debates | 3.6k

A few months after Shane and Ilya’s relationship is revealed, Twitter begins to speculate about the timeline of it all. Ilya fans the flames.

🏒 In Good Company | 3.7k

The first few days after Shane and Ilya are outed, as told by group chats and social media

🏒 Ilya Rozanov vs The Power of Love | 4.0k

Ilya gets added to the Ottawa WAGs group chat.

🏒 Trending #Hollanovorce | 4.0k

The online discourse around Hollanov spans a wide range of people, places, and topics. But there is always one constant.#HOLLANOVORCE just will not stop trending.

🏒 Lily & Jane Take Over Twitter | 4.6k

The hockey twitter world explodes when a new Shane fan account under the name "Lily" pops up. And all she tweets about is how bad she wants to fuck Shane Hollander.

🏒 Mixed Messages | 4.7k

Hayden finds out about Ilya and Shane

🏒 Mistakes Have Been Made | 4.8k

Ilya gives Troy Shane’s number.

🏒 I Collapse Into Your Arms | 6.1k

A timeline of Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov's rise into the NHL and their relationship told through the lens of hockey stan twitter.

🏒The Friendships We Made (and Ruined) Along the Way | 6.3k

Jackie and Shane trick Hayden and Ilya to bond over planning for Shane’s birthday (My summary)

🏒 hi shane, is this still available? | 6.6k

While in search of a roommate, Ilya comes across an interesting Facebook Marketplace listing from Shane Hollander

🏒 Cheer Up, Hayden Pike | 7.1k

Hayden Pike finally realizes he never actually double-checked any of his videos

🏒 Clickbait | 8.4k

Sequel to Like for Like, an AU where, instead of meeting at the World Junior Hockey Championships in 2008, Shane and Ilya meet a full year earlier - in a hockey group on Facebook. (Part 1)

🏒 Ain't No Hollaback Girl | 10.2k

Shane and Ilya, unbeknownst to each other, are sexting on Grindr while still being rivals on the ice.

🏒 Shane Hollander : Most Wanted | 10.3k

Set after Shane comes out to his team. Now that more and more people find out he is gay, he is also getting a lot more male attention. Meanwhile Ilya gets progressively more jealous and wants to remind everyone exactly who Shane Hollander belongs to. Also they're idiots in love

🏒 Nice Men in Montreal | 10.7k

Shane makes a list: reasons to Come Out on one side and to Stay Safe on the other. It's definitely not meant to accidentally star in the background of his mom's Instagram post for fans to find. But now that the world knows, maybe Shane can finally let himself have everything he's wanted. If only Ilya didn't go out and get engaged the next day. Which is fine! Rozanov was settling down? Shane could settle down, too. He would find himself a nice man

🏒 Let's Get Physical | 11.0k

Midway through the fall semester, Ilya takes a bad hit and is taken off the ice during the game. Shane comes up with an unorthodox solution to fulfill Ilya's physical needs while he recovers, and Shane's academic needs for extra credit.

🏒 Jane Has Been Added to the Chat | 11.5k

Shane takes his revenge for all of Ilya's embarrassing thirst tweets.

🏒 Lily My Friend | 14.4k

Hayden gets unwittingly roped into a business partnership with Shane’s secret girl Lily behind Shane’s back but at least he gets a kind of cool friend out of it… even if she is oddly reluctant to call them that

🏒 @ LilyHollander24 Liked Your Tweet | 16.4k

What's a girl to do on a lonely night in Boston? Make a burner account to stan "her" secret boyfriend publicly, no holds barred

🏒 Roz's Mystery Girl | 17.8k

'Jane' gets added to the Centaurs WAG groupchat, after Wyatt notices Roz wearing a ring...

🏒 You’ve Got Mail | 24.3k

While trying to write to his friend studying abroad in Moscow, Shane Hollander accidentally reaches Ilya Rozanov

🏒Oh My God You Should See Your Faces | 28.1k

Shane and Ilya go on the press run to end all press runs, courtesy of Yuna Hollander

🏒Re: Hi | 60.1k

Shane and Ilya sending emails throughout the years. What happens when they meet?

🏒 Operation O Canada, or The Hollander-Rozanov Method of Soft Launching a Marriage | 118k

In 2017, Shane Hollander spirals and proposes to his boyfriend of 4 days (or 7 years, or 9 years, or not his boyfriend at all, depending on how you look at it), which leads to a lot of plans, weird theories in the Montreal Voyageur locker room, some Twitter drama, and Ilya Rozanov entering his WAG era

🏒 Texting Trends | WIP

A series of texting trends the Centaurs do on Ilya, who in returns has to do on Shane. Because everything is about Shane

🏒 User Error | WIP

a Grindr AU

🏒 Take Me to Church | WIP

in which Ilya texts the wrong number and starts chatting with Shane, who is convinced that he can save Ilya with God's love

🏒 Shane Hollander Doesn't Understand Hazing | WIP

Shane Hollander becomes Captain of the Metros, Ilya officially hates Hayden Pike, and there’s new “girl” coming to the Montreal Met-Hoes chat

🏒 Date or Not Date: SMAU

🏒 Shane & Ilya: A Dating Simulator

Fic Rec Post

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parcai

ilya rozanov singing sweet russian lullabies abt death or whatever to hollanov children is grand and all but myilya has some weird american rap or russian club music going on under his breath in an alarming sing-songy tone, bc that is all his brain is full of, & he cannot carry a tune to save his fucking life. "papa what is moms spaghetti" bars my little malyshka. shh go to sleep

parcai

“shawty had them apple bottom jeans boots with the fur” was ilya's american constitution. the sacred texts if u will

parcai

unrelated but also deeply related: ilya is absolutely letting those infants stay up until 4am watching wildly inappropriate movies because he’s convinced it “builds character” like the one modern family scene

shane stumbling into the living room half asleep: why is scarface on

ilya, holding a baby upright like she pays rent here: she likes it

“FOR THE BABY?!”

“shh, watch. club massacre scene comes on and her little eyelids get sooo heavy. is like magic.”

“ILYA.”

---

ilya bouncing a half-asleep baby at 3am like “listen carefully, malyshka. americans say they landed on moon. this is lie. filmed in hollywood basement. very embarrassing for them actually.”

(the baby is eating its own hand): goo goo gaga gaga

“exactly. all a bunch of goo goo gaga. RUSSIA was first in space. first satellite. first man. first dog. we would have gotten moon too if we did not have, how you say, Problems.”

shane from across the room: babe i really don’t think we need to start geopolitical propaganda before she can hold her own head up

“silence. baby must know truth.”

then twenty minutes later the baby spits up on him and he’s like “ah. cia attack.”

tinyyellowflowers-blog

Was talking to a coworker today who explained that her grandfather was like Snow White “but Californian. And an old man.” in that the creatures of the forest would follow him around and presumably duet with him.

“When he died the ravens sat in the trees outside for a week, watching. Taking turns. A horde of raccoons tried to break into the house every night, tearing at the siding. Eventually they gave up, but it was unsettling.”

“Aww. They were checking on him!” I said, like a normal person. Internally, I thought “Maybe you could do the thing you do with dead pets, where you show them to the living pets so the living pet understands they’re gone. But I guess if you did that to a bunch of scavenging species, they’d be like “Well, that’s very sad but he IS food now.” So what you’d need, for human sensibilities, is some sort of transparent corpse barrier. Like a see-through coffin oh that’s what the dwarves were doing! You’ve stopped paying attention to this conversation about the loss of a beloved family member you gotta phase back in.”

sun-ni-day

oh that's what the dwarves were doing

cannibalchicken

artbyblastweave

The old world is dying. The new world had that thing happen where the umbilical cord gets caught around the neck as it's coming out, yuuuurk, no new world either. So it's basically just gonna be monsters forever

artbyblastweave

And for the last time, you can't fuck the monsters. They aren't the kind of monsters you can fuck

toastedicarus

Had it with all this bullshit grimdark worldbuilding just for the sake of edginess with nothing to actually say. I'm going to fuck the monsters.

artbyblastweave

Listen, buddy, I get it when it's monstrosity-as-a-marker-of-marginalization or it's a, a commentary on arbitrary constructions of beauty standards or whatever. That's one type of monster, that's fine. Very fuckable type of monster. But we're talking about, like, the metaphysical worldly manifestations of imperialist warmongering and rapacious depletion of the environment and systemic racism and shit like that. And I mean it's obviously not conceptually impossible to eroticize all that, you see people doing it, but it's fraught, right? It's fraught. Thin Ice. And if you're gonna go there you can't be flippant about what you're doing, man. This shit affects people's lives in real, non-metaphorical ways. When I was at CVS I just saw three or four anthromorphic personifications of the concept of medical debt pulling a little old lady apart like a wishbone

sugarcoatednightshade

Lots of people in the notes not really engaging with the meat of this post. And maybe on a different day I’d be flippant and hopeful, but it’s going to be below freezing tonight where I live and the nearest homeless shelter is an hour drive away. Tonight we’ll have freezing rain and I just watched a homeless man get kicked out of a Starbucks after I bought him a coffee. I live in a touristy place with houses nobody can afford and more being built be developers so that they can be rented out as airbnbs or bought as second homes that only get use for two weeks out of the year, and this man may die of exposure tonight. Lots of people near me may die of exposure tonight.

So as much as I get the sentiment, I don’t really want to hear people in the notes talk about how they could fix the anthropomorphic personification of the housing crisis through sex when it is actively killing people in my community. Go somewhere else for that.

spin-the-wheel-polls

you have this superpower! BUT you have this side-effect

is it worth it?

yes!!

the side effect is bad but ITS WORTH IT

meh it's okay

the side effect makes it unusable/not worth it

Results/option I didn't think of

Voting ended onMay 20

#contr time but nobody believes me #YUS

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clonerightsagenda

Literary criticism terms I use on this blog despite making them up myself, much to the chagrin of anyone who does not have my back catalog memorized:

are we the baddies: SFF subgenre focused on agents of an imperial power realizing that and grappling with what to do next, in contrast to stories focusing on the scrappy rebels resisting said imperial power

I could fix him (the empire): SFF subgenre where the colonized subject being nice and/or sexy enough Ends Colonialism, frequently tied to the John President of Racism problem

librarian bait: books centered on the transformative life-changing power of books and libraries, cousin to books focused on the transformative life-changing power of storytelling and narrative in general

college brochure fiction: stories where the protagonist has an artfully arranged group of diverse friends who are as flat as paper and whose cultural backgrounds never come up meaningfully

the Dave Strider: character the fandom fixates on to the detriment of everything else, until the weight of that attention warps fanon and sometimes even canon around them. almost always male. it's happening to Gurathin from Murderbot right now

clonerightsagenda

#OP tell us more about the John President of Racism problem!

It hails from an immortal tumblr post by penultimate-step, except not immortal apparently because I get 'not found' when I try to go back to the original. So here's the text:

It's always disappointing when a series makes a big deal about societal and structural problems in it's setting, making readers think it has interesting things to say about the subject, only to then resolve the problems by fighting The CEO of Racism, John Racist, so that all of society's problems would then get better because they promoted a new CEO.

chubby-cry-baby

shane realizing ilya isn’t doing well because he bent down to pick something up and ilya didn’t say or do anything; “ilya baby you are not okay” “what shane i’m fine” “ilya i bent over and you didn’t say or do anything” “…” “…” “i will go call galina” “thank you”

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