Absurdity Is The Source Of Awesomeness

[id. A twitter post by @/Bennieeexyz Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat. Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records. My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now. Called the county clerk. Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty. Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons? Me: Yes, but he's a cat. Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county? Me: He's a legal cat. Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption. Me: He can't file anything. He has paws. Clerk: You can file on his behalf. Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat." Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons." Me: What's the medical reason? Clerk: He's a cat. Me: That's not a medical condition. Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving. Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later. "Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement." Took the letter to my vet. Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty. Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty? Me: Excellent question. No good answer. Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten. Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve? Vet: On what grounds? Me: He's a cat. Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings." Me: Perfect. Sent it in. Got another rejection. "Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court." My roommate thought this was hilarious. Roommate: Felix is going to jail. Me: This is serious. Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens. Decided that was actually the only option left. Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters. Checked in at the courthouse. Clerk: Name? Me: Felix Martinez. Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix? Me: Yes. Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat. Me: I've been saying that for six weeks. Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption? Me: I filed three. All rejected. Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief. Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation? Me: Twice. Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this. Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me. Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote? Me: You tell me. Supervisor: This is a data error. Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out. They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience. Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry. Me: Appreciate it. Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted? Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats. Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card. For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was. Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud. Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent. Roommate: That's what they all say. Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now. Fitting end to his legal career. end id]

".. but its about a witch in the alps finding her lost cat" for someone trying to sanitize something to the point of absurdity

“people irl: hey man hows it going” for this will Never Matter irl

When the Toronto team watches Shane and Ilya’s press conference announcing the Irina Foundation, Troy makes a comment that they’re probably fucking (Shane is already out to his team then and rumors are circulating or maybe it’s a little bit wishful thinking on Troy’s part because Shane Hollander is a babe) and Kent says that “Rozanov would never” but that Shane probably is gay and like. It sounds like Kent admires Ilya. Or at least has a very positive manly image of him. In the books it’s even more of a point how tall and masculine Ilya is—whereas Kent is short for a hockey player—and ofc Ilya's reputation as a ladies man (as David so politely put it), and since Kent probably sees himself as a ladies man himself (gross, I know, I just had to throw up a little, but guys like that have very high and distorted opinions of themselves, so he probably does), Kent sees himself in the same category as Ilya. Or wants to be. My point here being that it must hit Kent so much harder when Ilya beats him up on the ice. Not only is this man he admires better than he is—taller, stronger, better fighter, and deep down he also knows, better with the ladies—Ilya also has nothing but contempt for Kent and does not admire him back. Delicious. 10/10, no notes, everything Kent deserves. Cry harder piece of shit.

Dallas Kent is so certain that “Rozanov would never” not just because he holds a limited view of what homosexuality looks like, but also because he idolizes Ilya and he can’t endure the idea that he might admire a gay man.

And Victoria getting too many limbs, too many bodies, and too much going on in her head in Ward

in this essay, i will redefine the nuclear family and explain the seductive and inflammatory nature of the 1993 "Got Milk?" commercials.

you shut your mouth.

Is this anything?

I'm tired of pretending like this is a legitimate position to hold-- that they should be afraid of fiction's dire influence on a reader's moral decay or that it's a sign of what the author secretly wants for realsies in real life.

I promise you it is still getting me death threats in 2024.

as a chemist i would like to say BWAHAHAHAHAHA

And that is how this charity received over 1 million in donations in three days lol. Oh btw the “freedom of expression” side won by a landslide (960k to 40k)

My PHM art here