A comic I made about the passing of my brother on April 22, 2020 09:37. His username was Vappyvap88. He was a really amazing older brother who I didn’t spend enough time with. I know he did some stupid things in his life but we all do stupid shit. At the end of the day, he was really nice to everyone he met in person, to all of his coworkers, to all of his friends from our hometown, and most importantly to his family, mom and me.
You will forever be missed Jonny. Mom and Hope love you so much. I wish I could’ve done more. I wish I could have held your hand and slept all night at the hospital to keep you strong and let you know you’re not alone. You fought so hard, you were doing so awful then everyday you got just a little bit better. We thought you were going to pull through after your oxygen got better. You suddenly were lost. I still ask myself if it was because mom and I couldn’t be there for you. I wonder if you’re mad at us? I wonder if there was something we could’ve done to help save you. What would you have wanted us to do? Should we have let you go earlier to ease your suffering? I know you wanted to fight but is this how you wanted to go down? You were too young. You had so many things you wanted to do in life and now it’s over.Â
But I’m not over. Our mom isn’t over. We’re still alive, breathing (barely), and gauging our hearts out everyday wishing you would come back and this is some sick joke. We want to wake up and find that you’re still in your room playing video games at 3 in the morning ordering a giant box of hamburgers in the middle of the day for no reason.Â
I miss when you used to show me pointless clips I didn’t care about from E3 and asked me if I thought it was funny or not. I thought some of them were, but now who is supposed to update me about E3? I remember when you used to play a bunch of SNES and N64 games, even Gamecube games and I would just watch you because I sucked at video games and was too scared to die. Dying in video games gave me real fear because it looked so scary in video games to die. So ironic right?
Some of the games we played together or you played while I watched you were:
Chrono Trigger, Earthbound, Mother 2, Team Fortress 2 (you loved this one), Rust, Kirby games, Super Mario 64, Super Mario Galaxy 1+2, Final Fantasy 6, Donkey Kong Country 2, Yoshi’s Island (this game always scared me because I thought they were going to kill baby Mario), Mario and Luigi Super Star Saga, Pokemon Blue (you always loved the color blue), Tales of Symphonia, Legend of Zelda, Mario Kart, and so many others. A lot of these games I really liked, this is why I got so into Nintendo.Â
When I went to college I gave up all video games to focus on studies. I think that’s where we really fell off in talking and you resented me for being smug about finishing college because it was not something you could accomplish due to all of the struggles you had to go through during college. You knew mom and dad were fighting all the time, you felt depressed and alone, one of your roommates killed himself and you saw him die. You were struggling with your sexuality and previously were mocked for possibly being gay.Â
I wish I had been there for you and was more supportive. Why hadn’t I talked to you? Was it our Asian heritage that got in the way of our bonding? That cold and distant communication of nothingness reinforced by our parents not allowing us to talk about anything touchy because we would get yelled at?Â
I could talk for days about everything I wish I said to you or things we could’ve done together while you were alive but it’s for naught. I would hope that you wouldn’t want me to feel so depressed and sad forever. Just know that I promise to take care of mom and you shouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. If there is an afterlife, please God or whoever you are, take care of my brother and give him all the joy and peace he deserves because when we grew up, he had it just as hard if not harder than I did. He was bullied, beat up, yelled at, mocked, and felt like he had nowhere in life to go except on the internet, where he put most of his frustrations in his life out there. He deserves nothing more than a peaceful time in the afterlife and let me meet him there at the right time.
Hey Jonny. I love you so much. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you. It sucks so much that you had to pass away from this pandemic virus that we all so eagerly mocked at something that was so silly and couldn’t possibly get worse. Everyone was and still is wrong. I hope this is my letter to let you know that those who aren’t doing right by other people will soon understand the importance of trying to protect others.
Love you so much Jonny, please say hi to our puppy Bainew and I will see you in due time.Â
