I AM A DUCK

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So - in the midst of people attacking Gooseworx over her lack of reaction over the episode leak, one thing that people were saying is that Jax is an abuser and Gooseworx feeling such a kinship with the character is possibly indicative of abusive traits of her own. I'm going to weigh in on this right at the start here for two reasons.

First of all, I didn't really see the series before I jumped to Gooseworx's defence. The way I saw the show was that with Jax being edgy, the show was exploring murky themes with a morally dubious character - and imo, after seeing the whole thing, I was right on the money.

And that leads into my second point: I don't think having a character who does bad things in your work, or relating to a person who does bad things in a work, makes someone a bad person. The negative behavior of Jax serves a narrative purpose, and while that doesn't absolve him of his wrongdoing (and boy howdy, we are going to be talking about that), it does make for a compelling character and it makes the abstraction mind-meld scene all the more cathartic.

The idea that Jax fans are likely to either be abusive or be apologists for abuse is an absurd overstatement of harm that ignores so much of the character for the sake of a pithy gotcha, and I think it's important to take in the whole of Jax's character - the good and the bad - even if you personally can't forgive the way that Jax has treated other characters.

Jax does some heinous shit, but I'm of the opinion that Jax is one of the most compelling examples of a closeted character in a piece of media I've ever seen. His desire to stay closeted leads to a lot of hurt, but it's the fact that he is closeted and that shit is locked up like Fort Knox, and it's that baggage that drives so much of the heinous shit he does to other characters, that makes him extremely compelling.

And look - Jax is an emotionally manipulative, gaslighting bully. I really don't like his behavior in a lot of the episodes. I did warm up to his habit of being a shitter in the gun episode - the Daisy Bell scene with him and Pomni hasn't left my mind since I saw it - but he's a piece of shit bully who dogpiles on Gangle every episode, he explicitly tries to gaslight Pomni at the end of the gun episode to push her away, he does the same with Kaufmo and Ribbit in his flashbacks and his warped, deliberately hurtful and self-centered attempts to move on from Ribbit and exclude her from the rest of the group is fucking awful to behold.

I interpret Ribbit abstracting as her basically committing suicide, or dying of a broken heart. I think Jax pushed her to a point of despair with his behavior - down to and including slandering her as a liar to other people - where she couldn't bear to be a part of the Digital Circus any more and chose death instead.

And there's a strong implication that after Ribbit's abstraction, Jax gets all fucked up about it, and he begins to neglect Kaufmo as well in a way that contributes to HIS own despair and eventual abstraction. He's not quite as involved as he was with Ribbit, but I think Jax getting all fucked up was a big contributor in Kaufmo's eventual abstraction. He bullied these characters, he gaslit them, he neglected them - and while he can't be held equally responsible for both abstractions, his behavior absolutely did contribute to them. Ribbit especially.

And I still find Jax to be a compelling character despite all this, because his behavior stemmed from a desire to obscure the most vulnerable part of himself. As much as I don't like his actions with Ribbit and Kaufmo, I understand his behavior through the lens of someone whose queerness HAS to be the most closely guarded secret they have, and if that secret comes out, it is the end of the world for them.

I have a lot of love in my heart for closet cases. Yes, ideally a queer person should be able to embrace their queerness and live openly and unashamed in the wider world - but that isn't always the way that people can live. Sometimes you live with regressive, angry, abusive people who would harm you if they ever got the inkling that you deviated from the "norm". Sometimes you spent a long time being bullied for things outside of your control or even your own perception, and to live with the cross of your own queerness on top of all that and invite that behavior back into your life is just too much of a weight for you to carry - so you do your best to mask and fit in when you finally find a sense of social equilibrium, even if it's just a performance.

It isn't good that people feel a need to remain in the closet, but I'm intimately aware of the circumstances that lead to people staying in the closet. And with my whole heart, body and mind, I want the closet cases of the world to know that they are loved and appreciated, and I hope you get to exercise who you are in safe situations, and I hope you ultimately get to where you need to go. Whether you find a point of stability where you can come out and live openly, or if you find a balance where only a few close people can know and they're the greatest joy in your life - I love the closet cases of the world, and I will always be rooting and rallying for them.

And Jax is a character who embodies that trait. I'm using he/him, because ultimately Jax is referred to as he/him through to the end of the show - the cover of Isn't She Lovely is a huge, awesome, cathartic moment that plays to Jax being transfem, and it plays off of Jax being abstracted where he might be a big, fucked up monster but he's internally beautiful - but Jax is canonically a closeted transfem character. His real world counterpart has found stability in his life, and he goes to IRL Zooble's bar sometimes - that's him being able to feel a bit more like herself, you know what I mean.

While it's true that I think Jax's mistreatment of Ribbit directly leads to her abstraction, and there are countless examples of him being an abusive, gaslighting, manipulative bully towards just about all of the characters - it's all in service of Jax trying to protect his secret. He may have killed his own mother during an argument, where she didn't take his confession seriously and actively hurt him emotionally, and that influences his behavior - to run away, to push others away, to avoid being in a situation where he can feel like a failure.

He embodies "the funny one", despite the fact that he's just an abrasive, abusive dick, because if he can pre-empt the laughs or at least pretend he's being "the wild card" he can protect himself - but the core, vulnerable, true self is there, and it's everything Jax is.

And if someone didn't take that "true" person at face value - if they laughed at her, if it led to Jax being devalued and mistreated in the eyes of others - then it's over. It's a denial of everything Jax actually is. And that's an experience she has gone through before.

So he puts up the wall. And when he's finally at a point where the wall is the thinnest it's ever been, and he's in a place of safety and security with a loved one... Kaufmo almost walks in on it

And in the face of that powerful emotional reckoning, Jax BLINKS.

His worst fear almost came true. Someone almost walked in on his true self and took his agency from him.

And in a sense, it almost kills him.

So he freaks out. He begins avoiding and mistreating Ribbit, because he's trying to get away from that vulnerability. He cannot afford to think about that right now. He cannot be put in that position of weakness again.

He already lost everything during his fight with his mother, and he almost lost everything again. So he doubles down, triples down, quadruples down. And I don't agree with how he mistreats Ribbit, Kaufmo or Ragatha in the wake of all this, but I understand that monumental feeling of like. the world is going to end if this gets out. I have to keep this charade up, or it's all over. And I have to re-establish that distance and remain above suspicion at all costs.

Because that's what it's like being closeted. You're always playing defence. There's a feeling where if you slip and fall, it's all over. This thing you're not ready to embody will now define you in the eyes of others, and you'll have to bear the full brunt of what that means - the pithy, well-meaning but ultimately uncomfortable affirmations of your queerness from people who don't really understand you beyond a stereotype of what a queer person is like, the potential abuse and lack of respect from others, and a life that's shaped by that social recognition rather than being able to live a life that you've charted out for yourself.

That's why people stay closeted, in my opinion. That's why people wait until they're comfortable in their own skin and in a stable enough place to come out, if they even decide to come out at all.

And I fully believe that this is Jax's primary motivation for being the way he is. He cannot let this shit get out. So it gets to a point where he develops that prickly outer shell, and he harasses and abuses and gaslights others to keep them out of his way. He chooses to be alone, and in a situation where he was finally open to someone - incredibly uncomfortably, but in a way where his vulnerability was rewarded with closeness, compassion and understanding - it nearly goes south with another person almost finding out about his queerness.

So again - Jax panics, because if this gets out? It's the end of the world. After what he went through with his mother, this secret getting out means Jax loses everything, because he's already been in that situation.

And that results in the character we see during the show. It leads to the behavior that sends Ribbit into despair, and Kaufmo, and puts Ragatha out of sorts. Ragatha is still beating herself up over Jax, even in episode 9! She wonders if there's anything she could have done for him, even with his mistreatment of her over the years!

And as much as I don't like that Jax is an abusive, manipulative bully - I think Jax is one of the most resonant depictions of a closeted character I've seen in a long while. People won't necessarily go to Jax's level to pave over their own queerness and stay hidden, but staying closeted involves lying and throwing people off the scent sometimes. It can make you feel like a bad person. It's an uncomfortable way to live.

And I think the exaggerated actions of Jax speak to that reality and really embody that feeling of remaining closeted - lying, stealing and cheating to just hold onto that last shred of normalcy, that last bit of control that gives you agency.

It doesn't make Jax's behavior okay, but it does explain why he is the way he is. And even with all the wrong he's done to characters like Gangle, Zooble, Ragatha, Ribbit, Kaufmo and Pomni, I find Jax's motivations incredibly compelling and true to the closeted experience. And it's helped by the moments where he actually IS vulnerable, but then he has to pull it back and put the facade back up.

Jax is a complicated, upsetting character who does a lot of really bad shit to a lot of the characters. But I appreciate him as a vessel for these complicated character themes, and even with his bad behavior, I do think he's one of the best depictions of a closeted character I've seen in anything. I like that Pomni goes back for him after he abstracts. I like that there are multiple Jaxes in that room, and the real Jax - the sensitive, soft-spoken girl who's been shackled by the other masks Jax wears - gives Pomni the key to see Jax's memories. And I like that they both get that moment of emotional catharsis - even if Jax is still abstracted by the end of it.

And I like that with all of this understanding, the group decide to keep Jax around in abstracted form. It's a moment of like... no matter how lost or ugly or too-far-gone you might feel like you are, there will still be people there to try and help you. Even through all the worst moments of your life, there'll be people there to catch you at your worst. And even when you're at your worst, those people will still care about you.

All of this is to say that while I acknowledge all of the heinous shit Jax is responsible for, and all the hurt he caused for so many of the show's characters, I don't think Jax is beyond redemption. I'm sympathetic to Jax's baggage, and the character ultimately serves to explore the themes I've been talking about - and I'm genuinely really grateful for that, because it's facilitated all of the stuff I've been talking about in this post. Jax is a well-written and integral part of the Amazing Digital Circus experience, and in the same way that Pomni had close heart to heart moments with Gummigoo, Kinger, Gangle and Ragatha, I appreciate that even after Jax rejects her support, she finally gets through to him in episode 9. I think they both needed that moment.

That's what I meant when I made a post about how everyone should have an emotional support pomni in their lives. So much of this show is exploring these characters - who they are, who they used to be and who they can be after suffering through the trials of the Digital Circus. And through all that, Jax is the toughest nut to crack.

Let me make this clear. On sheer entertainment factor, as far as outright likability goes, I like the rest of the characters more than I like Jax. I like Pomni's emotionally unguarded conversations and her optimistic attitude. I think Ragatha is complicated, where she is optimistic to the point of burying her own negativity, but she genuinely cares for everyone - even Jax, through their shared past - and I'm very invested in her and Pomni. Gangle is a great representation of a person who's ostensibly just been bullied their entire life and who can't really achieve equilibrium because everything feels like it's pulling them down, and Zooble is the realest member of the cast - they have trouble defining themselves, and they spend the most time resisting the Digital Circus and Caine himself because none of this feels "right" to them. And like Kinger is Kinger, y'know - he's the team dad.

But Jax is an essential part of the cast, and I think to write him off as cheap antagonism or to say he's an irredeemable monster whose awful behavior is laundered or normalised through the show for the sake of giving abusers another tool in their toolbox to abuse their victims, or to say that relating to Jax is a strong sign that you're probably an abuser yourself, is going too far. And that's not saying that Jax was justified in behaving the way he did towards any of the other characters. He wasn't.

Rather, it's an understandable course of action from a person who's trying to hide something deeply vulnerable about themselves that they've been hurt by before. It's a heightened way of depicting the all-or-nothing stakes that come with the baggage of being closeted. It isn't an excuse to be like "closeted people can hurt whoever they want and it's justified because they're just defending themselves" - it's just a heightened way to depict the anxiety of being closeted, to conceptualize the desperation that comes with being closeted.

And because of that, I really do love Jax. That last episode really tied him together. And like pronouns are still a bit all over the place, because we know that Jax is a closeted transfem while the Digital Circus cast still regard the Jax they know with he/him pronouns - but if the show continues, hopefully we can get to the point where Jax gets to be a girl.

But even if the show stops here - and considering how long it took to make nine whole episodes of this entire show, I kind of do want it to stand alone as a completed project at this point - I'm satisfied with where the characters have been left. I appreciate that the cast got to see their real life counterparts. I was expecting the cast to be trapped in an underground bunker, but it was really great to see that life goes on for these characters outside of the Digital Circus. Gangle was in a real bind, but she's doing better. Zooble bounced between odd jobs, but they finally have their own place where they can help other people feel comfortable. Pomni has friends, Kinger has a loving family. Ragatha got away from her controlling mother.

And Jax found equilibrium, and he goes to Zooble's bar to let her hair down sometimes. And maybe that means a way forward for her is possible, even after all the hardship he went through.

I understand that people can't forgive Jax for the way he's treated the other characters. It's very much a case of like - you don't have to forgive your dad for being a piece of shit because he had a bad childhood and did the best he could, y'know. You don't have to like Jax, you don't have to hand it to him given the core conflict of his character, because the stuff he does to the other characters is negative stuff that happens to real people every day - and a lot of the people who behave that way really aren't all that sympathetic.

But even with the really negative behavior, and the very real harm he does to others, I think Jax is an incredibly compelling character who carries the weight of what it feels like to be a closet case, where if that rabbit were to come out of the hat, it can't go back in. And he already tried it out by coming out to his mother, and it led to nothing but pain for the both of them. So he runs, he lies, he deflects. He hurts others to get them away from him and his secret. And I think that speaks to the heightened feelings that come with being closeted - with keeping a massive secret from everyone in your life for years, decades, maybe even taking it to the grave.

I appreciate Jax for being one of the most compelling closeted characters I've ever seen. The closet cases of the world deserve to feel seen and to feel validated, to feel catharsis in a situation where they can't easily find that in the surroundings they're in. Jax isn't like the Superman character for the closet cases of the world - he's not Outstanding Representation, because he's incredibly conflicted and messy - but I maintain that he's a really compelling depiction of a person whose emotional core is so guarded, they'd do anything to protect themselves. And I would argue that it's a character type that people need to see represented, to know that the way they feel has been felt by somebody else.

That's not me saying "all the closeted transfems, go out and act like Jax!" or something - I've resorted to this rhetorical device a couple of times in this post, I know, but I'm trying to cover my bases with a fanbase I've seen being very alarmist and quick to overstate harm in other people's intentions. What I am saying is that even with all of the negatives of Jax, even acknowledging that I think his behavior ostensibly drove Ribbit to either suicide or death from a broken heart, he still has a resonant emotional core that I think rings true to the closeted experience.

He is a complicated, conflicted character, and his presence in the story facilitates the expression of complicated and murky themes. I maintain that Jax is a great character, and I think he has a lot to offer if people look at who he is and where he comes from, and I think if people could find it in their heart to consider that moment where he was almost outed to Kaufmo as a moment that registered as being the closest he had to losing everything all over again, to being outed before he was ready and losing what little control and agency he still had in his life AND in the notoriously restrictive Digital Circus - you might be able to understand why he behaves the way he does, even if you can't justify the mistreatment he shows towards Ribbit, Kaufmo and Ragatha (let alone everyone else).

That's where I'm coming from when I talk about Jax. That's my read on the character. And I think he has a lot to offer as a character that can't just be wiped clean with "he's a piece of shit abuser and ignoring that makes you complicit with abuse". He is an abusive character, but he has relatable, murky and sympathetic character motivations - and it's meaningful to see a character who pushes everyone away to protect themselves be loved and accepted anyway.

That moment of emotional catharsis and understanding between Jax and Pomni matters. And while the people who have been victimized by Jax don't ever have to be expected to forgive him or give him a free pass because He's Complicated - nor does any viewer have to forgive the character for exemplifying negative behavior they may have suffered at the hands of - Jax himself is not beyond redemption. I want to see a world where Jax can finally be herself, and maybe where she can come back from her abstraction - but if that never happens, we at least know that she's out there in the real world, and she IS in a more stable place than she was before. And we know that she's at least a little more comfortable in her own skin, because she goes to Triangle to let her hair down when she has the time.

That's good. That's a good ending for her. Life goes on, and there's always a chance for her to be happy.