The Inner Machinations of My Mind Are an Enigma

(I keep updating this list so check back later)

The Beatles: 3/10. None of these people are beetles, they’re just a bunch of fruity guys from Liverpool with matching haircuts

(Edit: changed from 0/10 to 3/10 because John Lennon beat his wife)

Pink Floyd: 4/10. There is not a single person named Floyd in the band, but some of the members do arguably look kinda pink

Nirvana: 10/10. Getting high and listening to Nirvana is roughly what I imagine actual nirvana to be like

Foo Fighters: either 0/10 or 10/10. I have never seen foo in real life so either they’re pretending to fight a problem that doesn’t exist or they’re doing an absolutely fantastic job of fighting it

The Eagles: 0/10. Same as the Beatles, there is not a single eagle in this band. The name is misleading and we have all been lied to

Queen: 6/10. Partial points for Freddie Mercury

Led Zeppelin: 0/10. I don’t think any of these guys have ever even seen a zeppelin, let alone one made of lead. A lead balloon would crash faster than my hopes and dreams

The Rolling Stones: 3/10. There is not a single stone in this band. Some points added because I’m pretty sure they rolled quite a few

U2: 0/10. Despite what the name says, I am not a member of this band

Metallica: 9/10. Naming a metal band “Metallica” is like naming your dog “doggy”

Red Hot Chili Peppers: 2/10. These guys are not chili peppers. They’re not even that hot, let alone red hot

Guns N’ Roses: 0/10. How the fuck could a gun or a flower play music

Backstreet Boys: ?/10. Depends entirely on their current given location

Simon and Garfunkel: 10/10. No notes

The Doors: 1/10. Jim Morrison is kinda shaped like a door tho

Chicago: 4/10. The number of people in this band does not come even remotely close to the population of Chicago. Points added because it originated in Chicago

Earth, wind, and fire: 2/10. This is even more innacurate than Chicago. Points added because wind instruments were often used

Def Leppard: 3/10. There is not a single leopard in this band. Some of the members are probably kinda deaf by now tho

The Beach Boys: ?/10. Accuracy depends entirely on location

The Black Eyed Peas: 6/10. Not sure what the hell an ‘eyed pea’ is but the black part is pretty accurate

Imagine Dragons: ?/10. Depends entirely on whether or not they’re thinking about dragons.

Cage the Elephant: 1/10. Why would you do that. Let the elephant go

Green Day: 0/10. They’re not even green

The Police: 0/10. There is not a single cop in this band

KISS: 5/10. I’m sure they probably kissed sometimes

The Monkees: 0/10. Are you fucking kidding me

We Butter the Bread with Butter: 8/10. I can’t verify this but I have no reason to suspect that they’d lie. Butter seems like the most logical thing to butter bread with

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard: 0/10. I got really excited about the concept of a lizard wizard only to be let down. My disappointment is immeasurable

They Might Be Giants: 5/10. I googled everyone in this band’s height, the tallest guy’s only 6’1 so I wouldn’t exactly consider him a giant. Then again, I can’t really argue because the claim was only that they MIGHT be giants

The Presidents of the United States of America: 2/10. None of these people are Joe Biden nor are any of them former presidents. This is incredibly misleading. I’m pretty sure “Lump” was written about my first girlfriend tho so I’ll give them a point or two

Gorillaz: 2/10 Not quite but we’re kinda close genetically so I’ll give them partial credit

The Killers: ?/10. I have no way of verifying if they’ve actually killed before but the fact that they’re not in prison tells me probably not

The Offspring: 10/10. These guys are definitely somebody’s offspring

Arctic Monkeys: 1/10. They are neither monkeys nor are they from the arctic

Thirty Seconds to Mars: 1/10. It takes WAY longer to get to mars than that

Beastie Boys: 8/10. They’re pretty beast on the guitar

Jimmy Eat World: 1/10. Slow the fuck down Jimmy, you’re biting off way more than you can chew

Hole: 9/10. One point deducted because I’m pretty sure they had more than one hole

Rage Against the Machine: 10/10. They did exactly that

Alice In Chains: 0/10. This is illegal. Let Alice go

The Band: 10/10. This could not possibly be more accurate

Nine Inch Nails: 1/10. I can’t find any good pictures of their feet but from what I can tell their fingernails definitely aren’t nine inches long

Bush: ?/10. Not quite sure about this one, felt uncomfortable asking

The Who: 2/10. I’m not dealing with this “Who’s On First” bullshit

Radiohead: 0/10. Not a single person in this band has a radio for a head

Queens of the Stone Age: 0/10. This band should be called “five random dudes from the modern era” but FRDFTMA is a bit of a mouthful

Soundgarden: 2/10. Sound does not grow in the garden

Sonic Youth: 5/10. They’re not exactly youth anymore but the sonic part checks out

Talking heads: 8/10. There’s more to the band than just a bunch of disembodied heads but the heads do tend to talk

The Cranberries: 0/10. Decent music but I only added them so that the Beatles and Freddie Mercury weren’t the only fruits on this list

The Wiggles: 8/10. They do tend to wiggle a lot

Blue Man Group: 10/10. Yep!

Weezer: 5/10. They all look like they definitely have asthma

Limp Bizkit: 3/10. While the visual image of baked goods playing the guitar is hilarious, Fred durst is not a biscuit. Points added because he probably has erectile dysfunction

Stone Temple Pilots: 0/10. None of these people are accredited as being licensed to pilot anything, much less an entire stone temple. Stone temples don’t need pilots anyways

Wasted Youth: 8/10. I guess it really kinda depends on how you frame it but yeah, they probably wasted a lot of it

Them Crooked Vultures: 3/10. These are people and not birds but Dave Grohl’s posture is kinda bad and John Paul Jones is so old that his neck kinda looks like a vulture’s so I added some points

Audioslave: 0/10. Slavery is illegal

Traveling Wilburys: 4/10. Sure, they traveled a lot but not a single one of those lying bastards was named Wilbury

D12: 6/12. There were only 6 people in this band

NWA: 10/10. I’m a little too white to safely comment on this one but I’d say they nailed it

Jet: 1/10. A real jet would be way too loud

Goldfinger: 0/10. Not a single person in this band has a finger made out of gold

No Doubt: ?/10. I can’t really be too sure how Gwen Stefani felt but I think it’s probably a safe assumption that she had some doubts

The White Stripes: 3/10. I bet if you stripped them down naked and made them stand shoulder to shoulder and squinted really hard they’d probably look more like white stripes

Screaming trees: 3/10. They scream occasionally

Garbage: 2/10. I think they’re being a little harsh on themselves, their music isn’t THAT bad

Butthole Surfers: 5/10. Not even gonna touch this one

Megadeth: 3/10. To be fair, some of the former members are dead but only a little amount of death, not mega death

Dead Kennedys: 2/10. Last I checked Kennedy was still dead but neither he nor his clones are members of this band

Cake: 0/10. The cake is a lie

Cracker: 8/10. Most of them are

Tool: 7/10. I don’t know much about their music but they sure look like tools

Counting Crows: ?/10. Is this what emo kids do instead of counting sheep? Accuracy depends on whatever bird they happen to be counting at the moment

Dave Matthews Band: 10/10. It certainly is

Oasis: 1/10. Their music is the opposite of an oasis

Blur: 2/10. They are not that fast

Barenaked Ladies: 0/10. If I wanted to be this disappointed I’d reestablish a connection with my biological father instead

Meat Puppets: 10/10. Technically, aren’t we all?

Live: 8/10. Apparently they still do live shows but I deducted some points because I’ve only ever heard their music on Spotify

ABBA: 9/10. I’m still not giving any points to Guns N’ Roses but that’s mostly out of spite

5 Finger Death Punch: 8/10 I guess it probably depends on how hard you hit them but this seems to be the usual amount of fingers to punch somebody with

All American Rejects: 9/10. They’re all rejects from America so I don’t really see any issue with this

T. Rex: 0/10. Even if any of these people WAS a T. Rex I don’t think their arms would be long enough to play their instruments

Free: 0/10. Unless you steal their music, in which case it becomes a 10/10

The Strokes: 3/10. To my knowledge, none of them have had a stroke but I still added a few points because the name was probably accurate for other reasons

The Smashing Pumpkins ?/10. Another thing I have no way of verifying but this seems like a waste of perfectly good pumpkins

Therapy?: ?/10. The hell are they asking me for? I don’t know their medical history

Twenty One Pilots. 0/10. There’s only two of them and neither is a licensed pilot

Finger Eleven: 0/10. Leave the poor Stranger Things girl out of this

Fall Out Boy: 9/10. I conferred with an expert on this one who confirmed that they are in fact boys who had a falling out

Cream: 8/10. Considering this was the OG supergroup I’m sure a lot of people did in fact cream when their music came out

Ralph: Remember what?

Jack: The 21st night of September?

Ralph: I mean, no

Banning or restricting abortion does not stop abortions, nor does it significantly reduce the rates at which people seek it. What it does do is ensure more people die, whether from pregnancy related complications or from seeking out unregulated, unsafe methods of abortion or from any number of related factors. Not to mention the many grieving parents who will be wrongfully imprisoned for miscarriages and birth complications.

reality:

But a business that profits from letting people die (discarding food because it's more profitable than giving it away, price gouging for life saving medications, health insurance companies refusing to pay, landlords hoarding houses and driving up the cost of living) isn't.

🗣Anyone using a period tracker app needs to very strongly consider deleting it. Not now, but RIGHT NOW!

Your personal data that is being collected can and has already been mined and sold to marketing firms and law enforcement. You don’t need to be Margaret Atwood to imagine who your private information might be sold to, or what period-tracking data might be used for in a Republican state, or in a conservative court of law.

I really hate to sound alarmist, but this is Christofascist America in 2022, please protect yourself and act accordingly.

👉🏿 https://www.consumerreports.org/health-privacy/what-your-period-tracker-app-knows-about-you-a8701683935/

👉🏿 https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2022/05/04/abortion-digital-privacy/

liberal feminism is individualist. it affirms anything a woman does out of choice regardless of the impact of said choice. for example, if a woman chooses to appear in hardcore pornography, great! she chose it! liberal feminism neglects to look at the impact of such actions—young boys and men see this, fetishize it, expect women to enact it in real life. young women and girls see it, think that maybe it’s worth a try because that other woman enjoys it, think there’s something wrong with them for not enjoying it, and possibly get hurt.

radical feminism is not individualist. it is collectivist. in the case of hardcore pornography used above, radical feminism doesn’t care that one individual woman said she liked being in porn. it doesn’t matter because of the great majority of women and girls that are trafficked, raped, abused, and murdered for men’s sexual gratification. it doesn’t matter because of all of the harm the industry does to women and girls at large. the choice of one doesn’t matter when it adds to the collective harm of women as a marginalized class.

radical feminism recognizes women as a sex-based marginalized class. as radical feminists, we have to examine what harms women as a class, not as individuals. liberal feminism—pervasive mostly in the western, developed world—focuses on individual harm, individual autonomy, while failing to realize that a great number of women around the globe do not even have the ability to be autonomous, let alone determine what they do or do not want to do with their lives.

if a majority of women involved in the porn industry are being harmed by it, does it matter that a minority say they enjoy it? if a majority of women are harmed by beauty standards and the beauty industry, does it matter that some women like wearing makeup and shaving their body hair? if a majority of women seek safety in female-only spaces, does it matter that some women don’t care for them? why are a small number of women—mostly white, upper-middle class, western, straight, femininity supporting women—praised for being and claim to be feminists when all they do is reinforce patriarchal values and neglect a majority of their sisters around the world?

more than that, why do liberal feminists not care to do any real analysis of the structures that harm women if a few women claim to enjoy it? why are they mainly listening to the “sex work is work!” crowd and not the countless numbers of women who were traumatized by the industry? why, as a culture, are we prioritizing patriarchal and capitalist values and proclaiming them as feminist? why do liberal feminists not think beyond their relatively small western bubble? why are the reasons for willingly entering the porn industry, per se, (i.e. childhood sexual abuse) not considered? why are the repercussions not considered?

one of my main beliefs is that no woman has a choice until all women have a choice. i don’t care if a relatively small number of white western women (the majority that i see supporting liberal feminism, and also trans rights activists) ‘enjoy’ commodifying themselves because the majority of women don’t have the choice to be commodified. i don’t care if a woman likes wearing makeup because the makeup industry harms women. i don’t care if you choose to reinforce the patriarchy because your privilege protects you from a great deal of its harm because this choice of yours gives men more reason to believe that women enjoy enforced femininity, objectification, abuse, rape, so on and so forth. your choice is meaningless because none of us live in a vacuum.