✦ Alexit ✦

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I was (still am) unable to tolerate bright lights, overhead lights and sunlight. Got nauseated.

*Asks for black out shades*

Mom: OMG You're a vampire!

(㇏(•̀ᵥᵥ•́)ノ)

This hasn't always been the case.

All my life people have had a problem with me having special interests. It bothered them. Independently of what it was, the fact that I had them caused people distress. I was screamed at, diminshed, insulted, physically assaulted because of it; still as an adult.

I was in awe that I made people react that way. I felt guilty. So I tried to hide my interests and many times avoid them myself, which made me feel miserable.

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My diagnosis changed this. I felt free and truly happy for the first time. I cut ties with people that had a problem with who I am. I started to heal.

It is *hard* to set guidelines for myself while being an artist. I work wonders when given a brief, but I cannot, for the love of god, work on personal projects without going through every emotion and doubting everything I do.

Wake up and go over everything I did and said, start remembering and reinterpreting friends faces and expressions. Was I too awkward? Did I speak too much? Did I say something inappropriate? OH NO. Maybe I fucked up? I start doubting myself. Maybe I did something I don't remember. Wait. MAYBE I DID SOMETHING I DON'T REMEMBER.

Let's try not to think about it; Let's play some videogames! Hyper-focused for a couple of hours. Intrusive anxious thoughts come back. No please no. Now I'm on the verge of a meltdown because anxiety interrupted what I was doing to avoid being anxious in the first place. GREAT.

I'm having all sorts of feelings. Can't identify. I get frustrated, that I know. Having the urge to go to another room. I pace and pace. Not working. I need to find a nice dark secluded space. Under the bed? Let's go inside the bathroom and sit on the floor. Close the door and try to regulate. Stim like my life depends on it. It actually depends on it.

I ride it out until I feel capable again to think things through and calm myself down. I try to reason with myself. It's been 4 hours.

I'm not going out again. Burnout follows.

.