AAAAAAAA!!!

I do not understand what my parents want from me. I had to move back in with them after they had made me housing-insecure (by "housing-insecure" I mean I couch surfed and slept with randos for a warm bed and faked my way into buildings with white privilage smoke and mirrors so it wasn't real homelessness) for the third time, the only time I was housing-insecure as an adult. The rest of the times they kicked me out, I was in middle school and high school.

They keep telling me I'm lazy and ridiculing me for "wanting" to be there and "having no ambition" and asking why I don't want more for myself and why I'm "choosing" this, but as soon as I say I don't want to be there and this is just the only place I can live for $400/month and moving isn't cheap, suddenly I'm "ungrateful" and "just complaining" and I should suddenly want to be there. Should I want this, or shouldn't I?

Also, I would imagine that very few people would want to live in an environment where they are constantly being told that they are not doing enough when they're doing all they can, where they get their property destroyed or taken, where they get made fun of, where there's a constant risk of contracting a virus that could easily kill them.

My mattress is full of mold and I can't afford a new one. My room is full of dishes and dust and garbage that I struggle to clean on my own. No one "chooses" to live like this. It's rank and disgusting and makes me feel like a dirty disgusting person.

I fucking hate this and I'm gonna find a way out. I have only been given 6 months to get out of here despite having to build everything from the ground up again. I had to start over every time they kicked me out and it takes years to get everything back including the money I had to spend to stay alive when I didn't have secure housing. All my savings, which wasnt much.

I'm so sick of struggling to get anywhere when I end up back at square one every day. I just can't keep up with the physical demands of taking care of myself and doing all the domestic tasks when I'm also fighting back pain and POTS. And it just doesn't stop cause I can't let myself and my partner starve, or sit in filth or choke on dust. I clean after them too and I don't want them to think I'm disgusting because I am physically unable to do cleaning tasks sometimes and the tasks just pile up because no one else is gonna do it.

A lot of my childhood looked like my parents or other adults who were in charge of teaching me things shaming me (usually to/in front of other adults) for not already having a skill, me learning that skill independently on my own, and then those same people wanting credit for teaching me how to do the skill when they did absolutely nothing and I did all the work so that they wouldn't shame me.

I have to modify it for one filter because those things are expensive af, but I'm still so excited to finally have another layer of protection.

Already have the mouthwash and nasal spray.