I’m A Legit Snac

“be gay do crime! but sex is yucky and crime is wrong!” ass website

i want a perfect buddy i want a perfect bro

i wanna do brofist when you are around

you are the best yo. my sweet smile friend bro

i miss the era of time where you could say "is this real, chat?" and everyone instinctively understood you were pretending to be a twitch streamer, not asking the opinion of a hallucinating ai bot

imagining a universe where porn is a marketable genre so you have to deal with raycon ads while trying to jerk your shit

You’re an easy slut, aren’t you kitten? Almost as easy as dinner with Hellofresh

oh noo I don’t have any money to pay for the pizza, next time I’ll use rocket money to find unused subscriptions and track my spending

me to the accursed whispering amulet: hey can you speak up please i have an audio processing disorder

Evil Dead 2 (1987)

a cat is a sort of machine that dispenses hair all over you and everything else in the room

I still dream of one day coming home and finding him standing there waiting for me

They say ooooh be a good boy for daddy and you'll get a reward. But then the reward is just gay sex. This is bullshit. I wanted a skateboard

Then they say if you're a bad boy daddy will punish you. But what's the punishment? More gay sex! You can't escape it. This whole damn place is in the pocket of Big Sex

i really like how the milkman exists as an entirely fossilized character who now serves no purpose other than to fuck people's wives for the punchline

I enjoy a joke about fucked up German fairy tales as much as the next nerd, but it's genuinely striking how often the source for the really fucked up stuff turns out to be "yeah, this is only in the Brothers Grimm version and doesn't appear in any extant oral tradition, and we're like 80% sure they added it themselves". To a large extent it's not German fairy tales that are fucked up, it's two specific German dudes.

in retrospect we probably should have given the fairy tale writing to the Brothers Happy instead

I don't like to admit it, but sometimes I actually miss John Green.

Sometimes I can almost hear him.