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I love tumblr more than IG bc IG feels like I’m posting looking for a job but on here it’s like I already lost the job and my wife and the house and I’m just sitting on the curb talking to myself

was at a bar and a 50+ year old drunk white woman complimented me and my friend's outfits, told us there was a campsite up in northern maryland where a lot of gay bears go to have sex in the woods. we asked her how she knew about this and she very aggressively said "because i'm a FAG HAG!!! but i'm not allowed to say that anymore I GUESS!!!"

when will scientists develop countermeasures for blankets transforming into triangles when the lights out

the nice thing about being at rock bottom is the amount of mountain goats music you have to keep you company

swifties always going on the "you just hate women" defense like first of all Taylor Swift is not a woman she's an unskippable ad

[doesn't understand jacking off] and I'm supposed to... touch my penis? [shaking my head and smiling, murmuring to myself] touching my own penis... [chuckles] what will they come up with next

not everything is getting worse. at least you don't hear high hopes by panic at the disco every day anymore

I HATTTE ACCIDENTALLY SAYING SOMETHING ONLY THE KILLER WOULD KNOW