The Stiletto Diaries

I think, as a donor conceived person, that the discourse regarding the TheoandBuck of it all so far is just missing some context? People may just not know what it’s like to be donor conceived and/or adopted, have forgotten how Hen’s family is constructed, and/or be ignorant to the vast amount of ethical issues surrounding sperm- and egg-donation. That’s fine. I’ve just been seeing a lot of accusations of bio-essentialism and found family dismissal (which the show doesn’t do), and personality retconning (the behaviour is consistent with the plot’s introduction in season 6) all to give Buck a baby, and I’m not sure I agree.

I viewed a lot of Connor and Kameron’s behaviour during the dinner, in addition to their reasoning for seeking out Buck for help in season 6, as pointing to Theo being an attempt at a designer baby. Sperm- and egg-donation exists in a precarious position that can shift into eugenics rather easily: though people with genetically hereditary diseases are often barred from donating for health reasons, more and more people are pointing out that refusing donations based on mental disorders may be related to the eugenics (and thus, creation of ‘designer babies’) driving the industry, and I’m inclined to agree. Connor and Kameron largely didn’t seem to be asking for help in handling Theo (other than the “Could we speak to your mother?” comment), and instead sought out someone to blame. It didn’t come from my side of the gene pool, you better not be a criminal, he’s absolutely your kid, we’ve visited a number of professionals and none of their suggestions have helped and he might be [said ominously] Diagnosed with Something so we must ask if you are too and withheld it from us.

It’s no secret at this point that disorders like ADHD and ASD may be hereditary. It’s also no secret that it doesn’t have to be: realistically, Theo could’ve exhibited the same behaviours and symptoms if Connor had been his biological father. There’s fine line between ‘it’s okay if you’d rather your child didn’t have this’ and ‘it’s okay to pick and choose genetics to have The Best Child’: you cannot truly remove ‘a person with autism/ADHD shouldn’t donate sperm or eggs’ from eugenics, and you especially cannot disregard the optics of Connor and Kameron specifically choosing a white man to donate when Connor isn’t white.

Prospective parents should, of course, be able to make an informed decision, but as my mum put it: Buck’s behaviour, to Buck, does not include symptoms of ADHD. It’s just his behaviour. He helped them make an informed decision with the information he himself could provide, based on the questions he was asked. To go to his house and essentially blame his DNA for Theo’s behaviour (great parts of which are not solely caused by undiagnosed ADHD, because there is such thing as permissive parenting, especially if none of the four experts they consulted could come up with even slightly helpful solutions and methods) is very plainly weird. Any parent worth their salt of a donor conceived person wouldn’t blame all their child’s ‘bad’ behaviour on genetics. They’d be removing their own hand in raising the child. That, specifically, would be bio-essentialist.

The show doesn’t have a habit of using that line of thinking. Mara and Denny are not biologically related to Hen and Karen, but there’s no doubt they’re not their kids. The fandom keeps comparing Chris’ behaviour to Buck’s, Buck’s to Bobby’s, May and Harry’s to Bobby’s, and nothing is written accidentally. The show itself even has suggested Buck’s impulsive streak comes from his parents’ emotional neglect: the flashbacks of Buck Begins are steeped in the idea that he was desperate to receive their attention, and getting hurt was the only way he could.

I could go on like this. Had Bobby’s father not been an alcoholic, Bobby likely would not have drunk the whiskey after his death to connect with him. Had Ramon Diaz not had a job that had him away from home for such long stretches of time, Eddie likely wouldn’t have been so insistent on what a father’s role is in a family, and might not have joined the army after Shannon got pregnant. You’re coloured by your environment and the way you grew up, not just by your genetics. My own behaviour is most similar to that of my legal father’s: nurture, not nature.

Of course I’m not ignorant to the show’s potential implication that Buck may be better at handling Theo because they’re related—or at least, because he understands his own mind and behaviours, and as such would understand Theo’s. But then he wasn’t shown to be better at handling Theo. He was shown to be somewhat capable handling him whilst babysitting, which is different from parenting: when he can’t give Theo all of his attention, Theo almost sets his kitchen on fire.

Disliking this storyline doesn’t mean it’s inherently an amoral depiction of something, much like enjoying a storyline doesn’t mean it’s inherently a good portrayal. It ultimately exists in a grey area in a reasonably progressive show that, from time to time, proves itself as one of the more democrat-aligned shows of American procedurals. But as someone donor conceived, I simply don’t see this storyline as particularly problematic, as Buck doesn’t even want to be Theo’s parent—he’ll (perhaps only initially) be a foster parent at most, underlined by the show (and Buck himself) differentiating between ‘Buck’ and ‘next of kin’. And if anyone could encourage Buck to foster, it would be Eddie, as Eddie’s been concerned with people falling through the cracks of the safety net the entirety of season 9. That would be the found family you’re looking for: choosing to help and to love.

S1E1 | S2E18

At the very least, it means asking permission before embedding fan art or linking directly to fan fiction in coverage. It means thinking twice before asking actors or artists to react to ships or explicit fan creations. It means considering whether a fan reasonably expected their work to stay within the community it was made for. Most importantly, it means treating fandom spaces like real places inhabited by real people, many of whom seek out these spaces precisely because they offer a sense of belonging they may not find elsewhere.

Fandom does not need to remain in the margins to deserve respect. But if journalists are going to cover this subject, and we should, we have to be willing to approach these spaces with the same care, ethics, and nuance we would bring to any other community. Because behind every fic or piece of fan art is someone saying, 'This mattered to me.' Did it matter to you too?"

Normally when a character (usually a woman) who starts the story being villified and villainised, just as Grace was deemed "the harlot whore" for 60 years, their redemption in the eyes of the story comes from the revelation that they were a better person than people gave them credit for. Maybe they were a good mother, or did their best in the face of the deck being stacked against them.

With Grace, we don’t see that. I can’t recall any instance in the movie of her being a particularly good person, or a good mother to Jefferson Wicks, or a virtuous woman as befitting her name. A lot of her actions are recontextualised to be more understandable within the story, yes, but that’s not necessarily the same.

Grace is messy. Some would call her shallow with her focus on expensive brands. She’s unashamedly destructive. She probably wouldn’t have wanted her father’s church where she was pretty much held hostage for years to be named after her, even if the Wicks family weren’t in charge anymore.

And she STILL didn’t deserve what Prentice Wicks and her family did to her, whether she was a good person or not.

There are no perfect victims. Trauma, shocker, tends to mess with people’s mental state a lot, and they’re not always going to act the way people think they should. They can’t always be, well, graceful about it- I dare say they can’t be EXPECTED to be.

And people don’t have to be perfect or even particularly good people to be sympathised with as victims.

And it didn’t take anyone finding out about her secret better side or good deeds. All it took was one person - Vera - having a change in perspective, to consider things from Grace’s point of view and realise she never really had a chance to BE a better person, to plant that idea in the heads of the characters and the audience.

What I’m saying is, you scared of the sun. Fact, you scared you is the sun.

If I remember correctly, the tyrant in the orginal story had a thing for the seductive type. and with my current looks, this debut is only going to hit even harder.