german shepherd heart

How am I supposed to leave my baby girl with my MIL when I give birth? Ugh BIL and MIL have such a gross relationship too. Like very emotional incesty. I know for a fact she doesn’t respect my boundaries and I have zero doubt she will leave her with him and let her interact with him however. I DONT TRUST HIM! I HATE HIM AND HE CREEPS ME OUT!

Realistically I’ll probably have my sister come out too/instead. She would never be irresponsible and leave her with him even for a moment. She respects my boundaries and isn’t dumb and naive like MIL is (harsh but true). I’ll have cameras up everywhere that RECORD idgaf. I’ll be watching while I’m pushing this baby out idc.

I hate that we don’t have enough money to kick him out. He has to go. He’s a fucking creep I know it I know it I know it I never want him near her EVER! I don’t even want him talking to her or looking at her! When he tries to talk to her it disgusts me! I need help oh my god get him outtttt

She told him, “if I take this dab will you take it as consent for you to have sex with me?” She refused to take it, explained consent to their bird brains, through alllll the denial, and then she left.

Such a bad ass, amazing move.

At first I was happy because my friend stuck up for me, shoved in his face what he did to me.

But now I’m just spinning out. It makes me sick that they laughed.

I wonder how he would feel to know that despite alllll the abuse I’ve endured, despite feeling I could be murdered by a different man so strongly that I practiced swinging a hammer in my garage before I fled across the country, despite being violently raped for hours by this other man and manipulated with drugs and alcohol, despite being sodomized and abused and raped over and over, that of all people he tends to be the star of my nightmares. My high school rapist, who loved me and lied to me and then hated me and coerced me and raped me and fell asleep and then told me to walk home in the snow. How would he feel knowing in my dreams, it is HIM who my mind assigns all these roles, The Bad Men become The Bad Man, and why is it him and not the others? Why is it rarely the man who I thought would snuff the light out of me? Why not my first abusive boyfriend? (Although he does show up quite frequently.)

Why is it always him but almost never the feared killer? I think maybe even my subconscious would rather not begin to process that. Although when he does show up I almost always wake up screaming.

It would fuck his world up to know that he haunts me so badly, I think. Or I wish it would, I truly do. I wish I could tell him so it could destroy him the same way he destroyed me in my body and socially and continues to do in my dreams, stalking me killing me shooting me raping me hunting me —

I just can’t tell if it’s fear from my own childhood experiences, my own issues with him, or if he’s actually dangerous and my instincts are correct.