I canât remember when I stopped enjoying things.
I still laugh. Â I smile. Â I play with my nieces and nephew and I love them and I hold kittens and they make me smile and I cry at movies--but I canât remember when I last truly enjoyed myself.
I go out a couple times a week with my best friend--but I avoid social obligations outside of him and my immediate family.
Could have gone to a party last night, but I stayed home and watched Jessica Jones. Â And...then I watched Luke Cage. Â
I made nine chicken wings, honey garlic, and I ate them all.
No one was home, so I didnât smoke any pot.
It was as I was loading a bowl to go to bed that I realized I hadnât had weed all day. Â I usually smoke maybe two or three times, maybe once more before bed, couple of times during the day, depending on how crazy it is here.
I live with four kids that arenât mine--one of whom is overwhelmingly needy with attention because sheâs autistic and convinced Iâm going to drop dead any second if she isnât six inches from my fucking ass.
Unless you give her an ipad or some minecraft, then sheâs a ghost. Â Sheâs 11. Â Thatâs the oldest one. Â The littlest is still in diapers.
Iâve had my tubes tied for a year or so now, and I have zero fucking regrets.
Iâve got another year of chemo, and then six months of terror, waiting for the tumors to come back, for the chemo to start again.
But Iâm not going to kill myself. Â Iâm an atheist, and death terrifies me because of it.
Thereâs no heaven. Â Just an end to the pain. Â But also an end to the pleasures of life.
But what pleasures? Â I donât have sex anymore because the chemo took a shotgun to my libido. Â
I secretly eat bad food, hate myself, tell myself itâs fine because it doesnât matter, my thyroid is fucked so no matter what I eat, my weight doesnât seem to change.  Stuck at âkinda fatâ for fucking ever.
I donât like to be filmed, photographed, recorded--seen.
I hate my face, what the surgery has done to me. Â I donât like that Iâm all lopsided and half my mouth doesnât work and only the left side of my neck has the little double chin thingy--they couldnât have made it even?
Did they have to make me so damn derpy looking? Â I mean, I guess Iâm not ugly, but--I donât like my face. Â I donât shower, or do my hair for days on end, because I donât want to look in the mirror.
When my mom calls, I struggle to look at her face instead of the tiny box with mine in it, because Iâm worried I look like a freak all the time.
My last boyfriend dumped me back in January, just shy of four years together. Â He never told me why.
But itâs because I wouldnât fuck anymore. Â Or clean. Â Or shower. Â Or brush my teeth every day. Â I expected him to go and get a new job when he got laid off, but he didnât--he left the house without me four times in the eight months before he and I split. Â
Every time he left, I masturbated--because I was so fucking stupidly horny--but I canât stand to have anybody touch me.
Personally, I think Iâm repulsive.
I know Iâm an Atheist, so I shouldnât believe in souls but--mine is so tired.
My best friend had a baby, and I went to visit when she was about six months old. Â Mama took a video of baby while I was holding her in my lap, playing with her, and I didnât even think about it. Â She was recording the baby, not me.
But I was in the background.
I have this slur when I talk, because half my tongue and half my bottom lip on the right side are paralyzed, among other paralyzed things on my right side.
We went to her father-in-lawâs store, and she showed the video to a friend of the family.
I actually had to look away once I realized I had been recorded too. Â You could hear me talking to the baby.
I sounded drunk. Â The woman kept glancing at me, and I was ashamed.
As we walked out, I asked her to either delete the video, or never show it to anyone else again.
I love that baby, that woman, and her husband.
Best friends since grade eight.
And I asked her to delete a video of me playing with her baby because I was ashamed that I sound like a fucking lush while I hold her beautiful baby girl.
Iâm crying, right this fucking second.
But am I gonna tell any of this to my therapist on Monday?
Nope. Not a fucking chance.