I canāt remember when I stopped enjoying things.
I still laugh. Ā I smile. Ā I play with my nieces and nephew and I love them and I hold kittens and they make me smile and I cry at movies--but I canāt remember when I last truly enjoyed myself.
I go out a couple times a week with my best friend--but I avoid social obligations outside of him and my immediate family.
Could have gone to a party last night, but I stayed home and watched Jessica Jones. Ā And...then I watched Luke Cage. Ā
I made nine chicken wings, honey garlic, and I ate them all.
No one was home, so I didnāt smoke any pot.
It was as I was loading a bowl to go to bed that I realized I hadnāt had weed all day. Ā I usually smoke maybe two or three times, maybe once more before bed, couple of times during the day, depending on how crazy it is here.
I live with four kids that arenāt mine--one of whom is overwhelmingly needy with attention because sheās autistic and convinced Iām going to drop dead any second if she isnāt six inches from my fucking ass.
Unless you give her an ipad or some minecraft, then sheās a ghost. Ā Sheās 11. Ā Thatās the oldest one. Ā The littlest is still in diapers.
Iāve had my tubes tied for a year or so now, and I have zero fucking regrets.
Iāve got another year of chemo, and then six months of terror, waiting for the tumors to come back, for the chemo to start again.
But Iām not going to kill myself. Ā Iām an atheist, and death terrifies me because of it.
Thereās no heaven. Ā Just an end to the pain. Ā But also an end to the pleasures of life.
But what pleasures? Ā I donāt have sex anymore because the chemo took a shotgun to my libido. Ā
I secretly eat bad food, hate myself, tell myself itās fine because it doesnāt matter, my thyroid is fucked so no matter what I eat, my weight doesnāt seem to change. Ā Stuck atĀ ākinda fatā for fucking ever.
I donāt like to be filmed, photographed, recorded--seen.
I hate my face, what the surgery has done to me. Ā I donāt like that Iām all lopsided and half my mouth doesnāt work and only the left side of my neck has the little double chin thingy--they couldnāt have made it even?
Did they have to make me so damn derpy looking? Ā I mean, I guess Iām not ugly, but--I donāt like my face. Ā I donāt shower, or do my hair for days on end, because I donāt want to look in the mirror.
When my mom calls, I struggle to look at her face instead of the tiny box with mine in it, because Iām worried I look like a freak all the time.
My last boyfriend dumped me back in January, just shy of four years together. Ā He never told me why.
But itās because I wouldnāt fuck anymore. Ā Or clean. Ā Or shower. Ā Or brush my teeth every day. Ā I expected him to go and get a new job when he got laid off, but he didnāt--he left the house without me four times in the eight months before he and I split. Ā
Every time he left, I masturbated--because I was so fucking stupidly horny--but I canāt stand to have anybody touch me.
Personally, I think Iām repulsive.
I know Iām an Atheist, so I shouldnāt believe in souls but--mine is so tired.
My best friend had a baby, and I went to visit when she was about six months old. Ā Mama took a video of baby while I was holding her in my lap, playing with her, and I didnāt even think about it. Ā She was recording the baby, not me.
But I was in the background.
I have this slur when I talk, because half my tongue and half my bottom lip on the right side are paralyzed, among other paralyzed things on my right side.
We went to her father-in-lawās store, and she showed the video to a friend of the family.
I actually had to look away once I realized I had been recorded too. Ā You could hear me talking to the baby.
I sounded drunk. Ā The woman kept glancing at me, and I was ashamed.
As we walked out, I asked her to either delete the video, or never show it to anyone else again.
I love that baby, that woman, and her husband.
Best friends since grade eight.
And I asked her to delete a video of me playing with her baby because I was ashamed that I sound like a fucking lush while I hold her beautiful baby girl.
Iām crying, right this fucking second.
But am I gonna tell any of this to my therapist on Monday?
Nope. Not a fucking chance.