[suddenly disillusioned] my illusions..

i really like how the milkman exists as an entirely fossilized character who now serves no purpose other than to fuck people's wives for the punchline

knowing that the past tense of "hang" is "hanged" when it's a method of execution can be very entertaining because you'll be watching a horror movie and someone goes "local legend says a woman was hung in these woods" and you're like "👀 good for her I guess"

one time at a funeral i panicked and said the first drink i could think of and the bartender made me the pina colada With all the fixings all the trims all the bells and whistles i didnt even ask imagine youre at a funeral and the person besides you is drinking a pina colada with whip cream as tall as the drink with a cherry and an umbrella, thats what happened to me

Those sick fucks at Ocean Spray will mix anything with a cranberry

Went on a reblog spree and woke up in a tub of ice with my posting gland missing

Remember when I was going crazy 5 minutes ago [chuckle of fond remembrance] amazing how time changes people