hilarious text posts

Diane, clear my schedule. I’m attempting a recipe that says “prep time: 15 minutes.”

must feel so good to be soil absorbing rain

Lets dissect uncle to find his wish gland

Where do you think the comma goes

ancient roman women whose husband keeps looking at the neighbour's boy quintus and he never looks at her that way and she can't even chainsmoke in the kitchen because they don't have marlboro blues in ancient times. and she can't even go to the club because they haven't discovered drum and bass music yet. her friend clodia's having visions of a woman named doechii but neither of them knows what that means

Line cooks and the weed man do more for the human race every day than any CEO has ever done in their entire life

a meba 🦠 is almost like a really really small anermal but not quite

bouba's delivery service

fucked up in the club asking the dj to play flight of the bumblebee

mr beast has decoys

my boys and i took out 3 last year… wanted to figure out if they were clones or just different guys who underwent plastic surgery so we tried to get them dna tested but the sequences didn’t match any known living organism

silly cone valley sounds like a nice place but its not.

guys i liedddddd 😭😭😭😭😭 i actually want it 😭😭😭 i want it so bad 😭😭😭😭 i want it so bad its ruining my life 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Whatever. *Apathetically does a backflip and throws three daggers diagonally down at different angles*

let me come to your house so i can keel over and die on your property without any discernable cause to make your life a little harder

everyone on the block hates me because I have to take my pet loose sheet of aluminum siding on a walk every day at 3am

i always click the "track package" button as soon as i get the email. "oh boy i wonder where my package is!" warehouse.

is it culturally appropriate to say “here comes the airplane” to your baby if you had twins

Spider in my bed

First gentle touch I've had since my wife left