leonel

Moonlight:

“wait there’s a mistake, MOONLIGHT wins BEST PICTURE”

Moonlight:

These are either your horoscopes for the week, or these are “alternative facts.”

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

I don’t know if it’s your demeanor or some shit, but like, bitches be coming out of the woodwork to tell you their deepest and darkest secrets. And it’s not like they feel they can trust you. It may have something to do with the fact that you just don’t generally give a shit, like you believe there’s nothing to be gained by divulging people’s dirty laundry. Either way, you bettah clear your schedule. A lot of hos coming your way! =====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You’re usually the kind of ho who likes to wander around aimlessly in life, taking in new adventures as they come. But this week, yo ass is gonna be forced to plop down on a specific location. This will force you to take in your new surroundings and find something new and refreshing from the monotony of everyday routine. Something familiar may become new again, and maybe you’ll appreciate that shit more this time around. =====

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

There is a movement happening in your gayborhood right now, and it has caused a lot of your wants and desires to snap into focus. This week, it’s become clear to you what you’ve always wanted, and there’s no two ways about it - you’re ready to pursue that shit without any variations in your maneuvers. And let’s face it: Versatility is not your strongest suit. This is why in your heart of hearts, you’re a fucking top.  =====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You’re at a point in your life where you don’t even have to fucking get up from that damn couch to control your universe. There are bitches at your disposal who can get any job done for you. This is because of the empire you’ve built for yourself and the trust that you’ve instilled in your constituents. Be proud of what you have accomplished. This week, you reap the fucking benefits. =====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

So this week, you’re scary as shit. And no, I ain’t talking about the fact that you forgot to wash off that mud mask from the spa. I’m talking about your drive and determination to succeed. Recently, you’ve been informed of other queens who are coasting on their looks and pouty faces and dahling, you’re tired of that shit. If there’s ever a ho who can correct destiny and bring justice to those who have been wronged, it’s you, bitch. =====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

It’s time to play, “Whatcha Packin’?” And I ain’t just talking about what lies beneath those pantaloons. Oh, no, my dear. I’m more focused on the emotional wallop that you carry within your heart. It seems as if you’re holding a lot of baggage inside, and if you don’t fucking watch yo ass, that shit can come out when you least expect it. Watch out for those innocent pedestrians! =====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Is that a gavel you’re swinging, or are you just happy to see us? But no, seriously. You have risen to new heights this week, my queen. Not only are you looking sickening nowadays, but wealth and abundance has been bestowed upon yo ass, and you have the opportunity to use every drop of gold as you please. You be like Scrooge McDuck swimming in that fucking bank vault! =====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Oh, you regal bitch. Now here’s the thing. You don’t pack a lot of ammo, but you sure know how to concentrate all your energy in obliterating another ho. The key is certainly in the details, my queen. It may take time for you to narrow down your focus into one target, but once you’re on point and that shit is locked, nothing can deflect your fucking laser beam. =====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Recent exploits have made the wisest of bitches take notice of your drive, nerve and stamina (or DNS). You really are a fucking force to be reckoned with when you put your mind to it. And this is why this week, you’re being awarded your very own “Don’t fuck with me” moment. Brought to you by Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath. =====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You may think that you’re draining the life out of your constituents with your plethora of activism on Facebook, but think again, my dahling. If it was any other ho doing all the agenda pushing, we’d be unfollowing that queen in no time. There is just something about yo ass that the rest of us bitches can get behind on. And gurl, it ain’t just because it’s thick and juicy. =====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

This week, you’re in the mood to be all smoke and mirrors for any unsuspecting tricks. I just think that you have enough substance in your life, from your family who support you, and from the bitches that enrich yo ass. All I’m asking is that you don’t break too many hearts this week. ‘Coz no matter what your beliefs are, Karma ain’t relocating any time soon. =====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Although some may get intimidated by your large talons and dragon demeanor, you’ll be relieved to know that a lot of bitches get off on power. So the next time you’re sinking your claws into a venti macchiatoccino, look around you. Amidst the sea of hos running away from your nasty snarl, there is a queen who’s longing to breath the air you’re polluting. =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)