Horoscopes By Gil Hizon

I’m. Cleaning. House. You’ve been warned.

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

Henny, I want you to take a moment and appreciate all the wonderful things that are coming your way. Bitches be looking at chu like you’re a rockstar and gurl, I don’t blame them. You have come very far in life, my friend, and my only request is that you pay this shit forward. There are busted queens in your vicinity and they can really use your support and positivity. =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

I don’t know why you always think that someone is out to get chu. Paranoia is fine to an extent, considering what has happened to you in the past. But what you’re neglecting to see, are the bitches who are on your side and will always have your back. Instead of giving them the same amount of ‘tude you usually reserve for queens who are indeed out to get chu, why not just show them your gratitude and let them know how much they mean to yo ass? =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Exciting things are happening in your life, but deep down in the recesses of your heart, you’re still a stinking, big ol’ mess. Why is that? Do you feel that you’re undeserving of all the good things coming your way? If that’s how you feel, then that shit is worth looking into. Reminder, henny: whatever’s happened to you in the past, you are worthy and deserving of love, opulence and happiness. That’s the real T, bitch! =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

Drama, party of seven! Gotta hand it to you, gurl. When it comes to stirring the pot, your stirrer is a gigantic electric mixer, queen! And henny, you sure have interesting timing when it comes to knowing when to strike. Just one thing, though. I’d be careful where you’re dipping or swinging that thang. Some ingredients may need to be moved, but some bits are better left alone. =====

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

This makeover of your life ain’t gonna be easy. Unfortunate casualties will happen in the aftermath, and nothing’s evah gonna be same again. Chaos permeates your immediate environment and even expecting the noise will not give you peace. This is all out of your hands, queen. All you can do is be kind to others and to make sure you are taking care of yourself. Your sanity -- and your summer body-ody-ody -- depends on the way you’re treating yo ass. =====

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

Hmm. Being vocal about your wants in life and putting forth your intentions to the universe is not the same thing as writing that shit as your Facebook status and clicking “Post.” When you put it in social media writing, you run the risk of scrutiny and bitches cringing at chu. For now, whatever wishes you may, start basic and maybe keep it to yourself. I dunno, write it on a piece of paper and put it in your wallet or something. There’s something to be said about wishing on a star in the privacy of your heart. =====

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

You may feel as if a necessary, emotional part of your past has disentangled itself from you and has forever floated away, but that is not the case. The opposite has happened, actually. No matter where you are in your life, this aspect of your past will always be a part of you. The distance that you feel from it is not to be overlooked and you can hate it all you want, but its connection to you will always be unconditional. =====

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Um, so like, there is not enough of you to take care of everyone, okay? I’m gonna need you to stop thinking like you can save errrbody. In this current chaotic state of affairs, your main obligation is to make sure you’re of sound mind and healthy body-ody-ody. Other than that, tend to the most important part of your life first and work your way down the list, gurl! =====

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

The source of your frustrations can be boiled down to two things: power and choice. There are bitches in your life who have power over you and give you shit all the time. Here’s the thing, tho. You don’t need all of them in your life. This is where choice comes from. You have the power to choose for yourself which hos are necessary for your survival and which ones you don’t need to take shit from. All you have to do is look and go, “bye, bitch.” =====

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Once a year, some asinine, useless problem hits you, like a weird illness or an ex you don’t even remember sleeping with. Life has a way of throwing things your way that are not that impactful and leave you with scrunchy face realness. The only thing you can do when this happens is laugh your ass off and remind yourself that in spite of the ickyness, you got it good, gurl! =====

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

Whether you’re intending to or not, a lot of queens think you’re coming for them. Whether it’s an email that you sent which can read as insensitive, or an off-the-cuff remark that sends bitches reeling, you’re coming off a certain way. It would really help if you took the time to pause before you unleash anything out of your vocal orifice. Sometimes that silent beat can come a long way. =====

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

Hey, gurl. Thanks for filling my Instagram feed with photos of your booty in your booty shorts! It’s especially a real treat when I’m at a profesh meeting and it pops up on my phone! I don’t know where this sudden obsession of showing off your buns is coming from, but I mean, can’t you like, unleash yo ass on a weekly basis instead of every fucking five minutes? =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

Come for the astrological shadery, but stay for the face.

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

Isn’t it amazing how your outlook can shape your destiny? I guess not if you’re gonna be a complainy, horrid beeyotch. Is it that much of an effort to readjust your way of thinking about a certain situation that’s eating you up right now? I know that you can be as stubborn as shit, but just between us gurls, it don’t hurt for you to give the other POV a try. It’s as easy as that thing you do down there that makes the other person go crazy. =====

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

You have become the one-stop shop for all busted queens. You’ve got a nice place, adorable personality and a big dictionary. It’s a great reputation to have. But I mean, the more bitches you help out, the less time you’re assisting yourself. You see what I’m saying here? You really need to prioritize whose aid to come to or you’re gonna be wearing yourself thin. Speaking of thin, I’d lay off the 7-Eleven slurpees if I were you. =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

Since you’re not paying attention (as usual), I’ll be the spokesperson for everyone else and say: A lot of bitches are pissed at chu and you don’t even know what you’ve done! My theory is that you’ve been given a lot of leeway in the past few weeks and you started taking advantage, whether intentional or not (and I’m thinking not). A little introspection goes a long way, henny, and if you don’t look inside yourself, others may do it for you and it won’t be pretty. =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Your hustle, although great, is making other bitches around you nervous. Nervous that they’ll be outed as lazy assholes when the powers that be starts to notice your gung-ho-ness and drive and compare it to the rest of your constituents’ performances. Do you need to change your behavior? Hell no! I just want you to be ready for when other queens come for you. =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

What you’re feeling right now is regret. Lots of it. Regret for saying yes to every bitch and ho in the tri-state area. I know that it’s important for you to be liked, but I mean, your calendar is full of appointments that have nothing to do with your own relaxation and rejuvenation. Gurl! It’s time to prioritize helping certain hos and making the ones who are not on the Leo VIP list wait a fucking while. Please. Do this for your sanity. =====

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

A turning of the tides is happening in your immediate vicinity right now. You used to be the one asking for help, but now there’s a cadre of hos knocking at your door requesting your assistance. As a queen of adapting to ever changing situations, this environmental metamorphosis is a welcome one. You love helping bitches, no matter how busted they are, and it’s time to pile up on them karma points, gurl! =====

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

It’s fanfuckingtastic when each sector of your world: family, career and love align the house down to your liking! It’s rare for all three to be more than satisfactory and this could get overwhelming at first. However, you’re the master of the scales. Having a mere awareness of where you’re at in the grand scheme of things will give you a much better idea regarding how much attention to spend on each aspect of your thriving spiritual plane. =====

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

It can be really annoying when no one is listening to yo ass. You can try increasing the volume of your SCORPIO baritone, but it may only irritate the bitches you’re trying to tell shit to. I think the way to tackle this current situation is to take a step back and let others come to you. If they sense that you’re not that present, they’ll feel all weird and seek you out. =====

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Gurl, you do know how to add and subtract, right? Well, your checkbook says differently, queen. Luckily for you, the math falls on a holiday weekend, so there’s a bit of a delay in how your funds are processed. Let’s just say “pending” is your dearest friend of friends right now. Thanks to your ruling planet, Jupiter, who called me to remind you of your financials, you’re one lucky ass bastard. And please tell J to stop calling me on a Sunday! =====

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

Um, yes, we get it, you’re a bitch on the outside and soft and chewy on the inside. But sometimes, you make it difficult for us to get past your fortress of bitchitude long enough for us to savor the real inner you. If you could give us a hint whenever you’re beginning to warm up to us, we would really appreciate it. Some of us don’t have the time to figure that shit out on our own. =====

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

A lot of bitches are not used to a queen who’s so sure of what she wants. Right now, you are coming off a little cocky and insincere and although that is not your intention, that’s how other bitches are receiving yo ass. Like, is there a way to do some kind of peekaboo situation where you flash us your innocent and pure intentions? Feel free to use my trenchcoat. =====

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

Clarity can be a tricky bitch. It’s great to achieve her, but then when she tells you her truth, she can get real nasty. The trick here is for you to be able to stomach the acid that Clarity spews from her mouth, and see the truth as something that can help you in the long run. It’s a lot of acid tho, so you may want Maximum Strength Pepcid AC for that shit. =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

Not just shook. Queer shook.

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

How easy was that? Who knew that once you took out that stick up yo ass that a certain situation you’ve been so worried about would change so drastically? It’s like the universe saw your behavior and just parted the Red Sea on yo ass’s behalf. You really are making the right decision on this sitch, fish. It don’t feel that way right now, but it will very soon, henny! =====

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

Oh, henny. Don’t look at me, queen. This is all on you. You made a commitment -- yep, that’s a word -- to some folk and now you gotta show up. It don’t matter if something a lot more crucial popped up on your schedule (and just between you and I, it ain’t that crucial) - this is not just a matter of you making a choice between two commitments. This is also a test of how well you stand by your word. =====

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

There comes a time in everyone’s life where one must ask oneself: Are you gonna be part of the shitshow or is yo ass gonna be the solution? You are now dealing with a situation where you’re more in the way than you realize. Bitches be acting all polite around you when they’re all thinking, “get the fuck out of the way, queen!” Since they can’t speak for themselves out of obligation or hierarchy, I’ll speak for their asses. Move! =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

It’s official! You’re now a queen on a VERY specific mission. It’s taken years for yo ass to get to this: lots of planning, experimenting and scheming (let’s face it). And now you’re off! You may be feeling a little bit disoriented, because you never saw this happening. Get that shit out of your system because from here on out, it’s all systems go. Now, the real work begins. =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

You know what you have to do this month. It is so crystal clear in your brain what it is and that’s great. Having said that, it mayyy be a good idea to alert your team about your intentions, because from where they’re sitting, you’re looking like a twink lounging by the pool, drinking a bloody Mary and waiting for his sugar daddy to come home and give him some muh-ney. Tell your team, henny. They got no clue. =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

So bitches be worried about yo ass because you’re not doing your usual center-of-attention, “ME, ME, ME” shtick, and it’s fucking up their routine. Gurl, you just gotta tell them that you’re feeling very contemplative nowadays and assessing your place in this world and shit; it got nothing to do with them. You don’t need to put up your announcement in a billboard, but be aware of who’s lookin’ at chu funny and tell them the T. =====

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

Bitch you are shook right now. You looked at yo ass in the mirror and saw something slipping away. And that something is control. Look, queen. Knowing that you’re losing your grasp on a situation is the first step into regaining your hold on your predicament and on the empire that you have built from scratch. Now that you know what’s up, it’s just a matter of finding the reins and getting yo hands on that shiz. =====

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

The way things are going right now, Masterclass will be calling yo ass to do your own set of online classes about your expertise. To say that business is booming would be a muthafucking understatement. It is because of your hard work and perseverance, blah, blah, blah that has led you to this career resurge. Don’t stay too comfortable, tho! You still got a lot of work to do. =====

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

As far as disappointments go, this isn’t that mind blowing. In fact, it’s something that you have expected would happen. Although knowing that doesn’t lessen the impact you may feel right now, know that it’s not personal. It’s not about chu. The more you repeat that shit over and over so yo ass can hear it, the more you’ll feel better about it. Yup, henny. Simple as that. =====

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Part of the effectiveness of your maneuvers is due to your knack for going into a situation with such a charming bluster that no one wants to fuck with that shit. This is truly a gift that is enhanced by your passion to do better for the people you care about. The more you operate on a helpful side, the more bitches will be on board with you, and back yo ass up. =====

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

I know you’re ready to jump the gun on a certain situation, and look, your track record is on point, okay? Yo ass is rarely wrong about these things. But henny, all we’re asking you to do is look at all your findings again and make sure they are as accurate as they can be before you go in there guns blazing. You just nevah know what others may have in store for you. Make sure your facts are sound, gurr. =====

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You know exactly how to deal with queens who may come for you. You’ve always done it a certain way and you almost have it down to a science. With this bitch tho, she comes with her own set of unique weaponry that can defeat your supposed tried and true methods. I suggest that you find another way to deal with her than rely on your usual tricks. Just sayin.’ =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

Cage-free and gluten-free, yet chock-full of shadery.

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

When these hos around you are filled with desperation OR are just being super extra, you’re the only one they can turn to for stabilizing support. Your default aloof demeanor inspires others to not let their emotions get the better of them. Your expansive brain enables you to dole out the best advice with minimum effort. You’re the glue that holds the rest of us busted bitches together, you keep us sane, and you make that shit look good. Thank you! =====

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

There is something to be said about declaring your dreams, goals and aspirations to the universe. Here’s the thing, queen. There are allies all around you that have your back, and a lot of them don’t even know it yet. These hos are willing to help you out, because you have been such a giving, generous queen to them in the past. All you gots to do is let them know your deepest desires, and you’ll be surprised how many bitches will go the extra mile for yo ass. =====

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

This month, you can stand to participate in any group think activity you can squeeze yourself into (orgies optional). Your energy is ripe to absorb so much useful information right now, that if you don’t take advantage of this shit, you might end up feeling like you’re not doing anything meaningful with your fucking life. No time like the present to allow other queens to “yes and” your perspective. =====

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

This month is all about the idea of opportunity and the many ways it can enter yo life. I know that sometimes, you can be a stubborn bitch who would only recognize opportunities that look traditional to you, but queen, it don’t take that much effort in opening your mind a bit and being a little more trustful of those who wanna help you get the most bang out of your buck. If you can put some energy into broadening your mind of minds, it will only benefit yo ass. =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

This month’s Jekyll and Hyde act is brought to you by Excedrin. Quite honestly, as a veteran of mood swings, yours don’t surprise nobody noh moh! The rest of us have learned to predict this behavior of yours that we can automatically brace ourselves from your cray of the day. So honey, give it your best shot. We ready. And we got back up. =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Gurl, you have a lot on your plate right now, and the worst thing you can do to yourself is add more shit to that pile by saying yes to pretty much everything. It’s nice to be so in demand and to have ERRbody dependent on yo ass, but spreading yourself too thin will not do you nor nobody else any favors. The more you’re persnickety about what to say yes to, the more you’ll retain your sanity and the more you’ll be in tip-top shape to help other hos. =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

Your biggest challenge this month is to find a balance between spreading yourself too thin by going out too much, and exhibiting hermit realness in your house. Your energy just doesn’t have the capacity when it comes to finding a middle ground right now. Or so you think. With enough focus, yo ass should be able to discern which activities will further enrich your life, and which ones are just meaningless fluff. =====

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

This month’s hustle is brought to you by Muscle Milk. No one hustles more than you and you’ll find that, as your status in life evolves, so does the hustle. You are being forced to up your game and normally you’re excited to take on the challenge, but switching gears at the drop of a hat is not something you’re good at. Rising to the top of your game is also a growing pain; the more you look ahead, the more you’ll be able to handle the swerves and curves of life. =====

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

There’s a time in someone’s life when one has got to drop the nicer-than-thou facade and be a ball-busting badass superbitch. And this month is that time, LIBBY. Trust the rest of us when we say that we need a leader right now, and your facilitating antics to make us all happy ain’t not gonna cut it. The end game is approaching. There’s no time for niceties anymore. You can do that shit after we cross the muthafucking finish line. =====

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

You’re so used to distrusting ERRbody with such intensity, that when you flip that coin and turn your suspicions into full on trust, it’s fucking magic, baby. Recognizing that not everyone is out to get you makes you a better participant in this play we call life, and no matter what hardships you may face, know that your intensity is something you’ll always have within you. If you use that shit for good, ERRbody wins. =====

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You’re looking good and feeling GAW-JUS these days. You’re just full of optimism in being successful, that it will make even the PISCIEST of PISCES look at you and say, “who deez betch thinkin she’s Mary Fucking Poppins?” Look, queen, we think it’s great to have such a positive outlook when you’re setting out to fulfill your dreams. But when you contain and control that positivity, it will only help you zero in on a plan to achieve your goals. =====

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

It’s never fun to be the Debbie Downer in any group, but someone’s gotta do the job. And unfortch, that someone this month is you, gurl. If you don’t want such a backlash in your Debbie Downer behaviors, it wouldn’t hurt to shave off some of the sharpness in your reads. And honey, if you keep that tough love funny, it’ll be easier to absorb. Kewl? =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

2018: The year of the queen.

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

Some serious inner struggle is at play within you. On one hand, you just wanna get back to your usual work mode, but plenty of distractions await, like online shopping (hello ASOS), video games, or Grindr. If you allow yourself a day or two of doing all this shit and getting them out of your system, your body may actually get tired of the excess and revert back to work mode for yo ass. =====

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Going through such a crucial phase in yo life right now may tempt you to be more vigilant in playing your cards close to the chest. But you’ll find that the more you withhold information from errbody, the more it prevents certain bitches in figuring out how they can help you with your goals. It’s not cute to start the year with such distrust. Allow the universe to look into the plans of your heart and it will pay off before you even realize wha-ha-happen. =====

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

It’s hard to be so free-flowy when you got them muthafucking bills to pay. Your happy-go-lucky veneer is starting to crack and regardless of your financial sitch, you are mostly concerned about how to cover up these unwanted crevices from the public eye. This is definitely one of those cases where you can’t get so wrapped up in what other bitches may think. Focus on employing a practical strategy in getting your financial shit together and this proactiveness is what the universe will see and react positively to. =====

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

The promise of getting things right in the new year has a profound effect on yo ass. On one hand it’s energizing as shit, but on the other, wanting to do everything and expecting immediate, kickass results can be debilitating to your psyche. With a lot of things in life, any kind of change requires patience and the expectation of a trial-and-error period. Also, spoiler alert, it helps to start small. =====

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

It takes a lot of poking to get you angry and most of the time, that’s an admirable trait. But we are living in crucial times right now, where people on different sides of the coin are at each others’ throats. Showing a bit of anger will help inform other people which side yo ass is on. It’s not like you’re angry because 7-Eleven ran out of your favorite brand of Ben & Jerrys, you’re actually angry about shit that matters. This is the kind of anger you want, because there is a universal “fumble” coming and you want to make sure that the ball lands on the good team. =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

With a new year comes your own promise to yourself that you won’t be so all-over-the-place with your decision making. That’s a great intention, but part of your beauty is being able to see different sides of any conundrum. The more you see this as a disservice to your abilities, the more this will work against yo ass. Embrace your all-over-the-place-ness, because out of all the signs of the zodiac, you’re able to handle this shit very well. =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

In these crucial political times, this is the right climate to harness your insane ability to navigate your own emotions. Any argument you make, any position you choose to stand for -- it has to come from the truthfulness of your heart. This is the only way you will convince others why certain stances or political leanings are valid. Just don’t stray away from the facts, gurl! =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

The public eye can be kinda harsh, and if there’s anything you’ve learned this past year, it’s that you can’t just go willy nilly on social media. I guess it all boils down to how you see social media playing a part in your life this year. There is the obvious purpose of self-promotion, but this time, you want something more. You want any activity you do on it to have some fucking substance. This is a great effort on your part, but honey, don’t take this too seriously. =====

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

This year is all about eliminating the things in your life that make you feel miserable. Of course, in your heart of hearts, you know you still need a job that helps pay the bills, even if it’s something you can’t fucking stand. If money is an issue, then you bettah get that 2018 budget sheet in check. You may find that there are itty-bitty money-making activities you can afford to get rid of. =====

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

What a lot of people don’t know about you (because they’re often honed in to your natural charm) is that you can be a fucking angry bitch. Some may say that you are just as volcanic as a TAURUS when you get mad. Makes sense, as you two do share a ruling planet (Venus). If you can find a way to use your charm to communicate to others what you’re so angry about in this world, it can only be a win-win situation for yo ass. =====

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

Vulnerability will be a huge issue for you to deal with this year. Of course, anything that deals with being vulnerable becomes a checklist of which bitches you’re gonna let in your heart and who will have to sit on the sidelines as non-Heathers. You’ll find that such an abrupt manner of dealing with this issue won’t work in the long run. It all boils down to the way you treat the subject of trust and the role it plays in your life. =====

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

There is a solemness that exists in your heart as you start this new year. You’re not being a Debbie Downer per se, you are just merely saying goodbye to a part of you which, as much fun and frivolity it has brought yo ass in the past, it’s something that you no longer need in your life. But look on the bright side: um, hellooo, evolution. =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

On the muthafucking rampage for the rest of the year.

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

We know, we know. That look on people’s faces when you tell them you’re a SAG is unfair, but somewhat warranted. You may be the easiest person to get along with and love, but honey, you do come with a set of -- let’s just say -- “unexpected quirks.” Hey, it what makes you YOU. They take a while to get used to but when bitches are more affiliated with that shit, they’ll just love yo ass more. =====

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

Another meeting, another forced smile on your face. And the polite nodding -- Look, queen -- you’re miserable because you’re dragging yourself to a sit down with someone who has yet to take an interest on your work or who you’re about. Honey, if you’re the only one putting the effort in a relationship, whether it’s personal or work-related, then it’s time to take this muthafucka off your grid. =====

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’re not one to do the New Years Resolution thing, but this coming year, you be all about it. If I were you, I would start that shit NOW. For one thing, you’d be waaay ahead of errbody else. Second, no one will be checking up on yo ass to see how you’re doing - you know how annoying that can get. And third, you like to do secretive shit anyway; that behavior will be in line with your character description. =====

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

And just like that, you get the break which you’ve been needing for a while. Whether it’s relationship oriented or work related, it is a much needed parting of the heavens. You won’t be able to believe it at first, just because you’ve been sitting on a mountain of NOs, but it’s happening, queen. Don’t take too much time with the “I can’t believe this is happening to me” bullshit. This is when the real work begins. =====

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

Speaking of investments, when was the last time you put a stake on alone time? We are nearing the end of the year and a lot of things have happened to yo ass (well, that too, allegedly). It really is a great time for a moment of reflection on your part. Take your time with this one. You learned a lot. It’d be nice to list that shit down so you don’t forget. Here, use my iNotes. =====

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

Aaand you’re back to driving yourself cray-cray with how everyone else is doing in their respective careers. It has gotten to the point that you’ve become glued to all your social media accounts to get the latest developments, which has left you with absolutely no time to tend to your own career needs. Whatever happened to staying in your own lane? =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

A recent falling out in a what-you-thought-was-worthwhile partnership has left you feeling vulnerable and secretive AF. Now it seems like every time someone takes a chance on you or even looks your way, yo ass gets paranoid. It helps to be on guard, but you have got to understand that not everyone is out there to take advantage of yo shit. =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Putting yourself first before others will leave your friends’ jaws open for a full minute. Understandably, this much-needed selfishness is new territory to you, Ms. Altruistic AF. No matter how uncomfortable you feel at first, this is for the betterment of your soul. Pampering yourself will give you a full recharge. You need to be at your best state when you come back to helping busted bitches. =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

You are being pulled into another clique. In the old days, this is something you would care about and take pride for. But now you’re grown. You’ve recognized the pros and cons of being in a select club, and from where you’re standing, this new group feels like it can bring about a whole ‘nother set of problems yo ass just don’t need. Are you grown enough to walk away? =====

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

So we’re loving your “take no prisoners” approach to things nowadays. You are really on a mission to make sure that no one fucks with you for the rest of the year. Our only concern is your health. Although it’s cute to channel your inner Olivia Pope when you’re righting wrongs and proclaiming your diva demands, but picking every battle in front of you may result in a heart attack, or worse, constipation. Leave some room to chill the fuck out. =====

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

Let me cut right to the chase. You’re nice AF so everyone tries to take advantage of you. On one hand, being so goddarned charming goes a long way. You make it easy for bitches to work with you which leads to a lot of party invites. But during crucial times, it would help yo ass a great deal if you put yo foot down once in awhile. You still gotta get your work done! =====

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

Welcome to another episode of “What is this Bullshit?” -- the show where you analyze a situation and point out the ways people engage in immense fuckery. In this segment, you will unearth the truth behind Sally from Acquisitions’ secret phone calls in the Supplies Room. You’ll come to find out that she’s been planning a surprise party to celebrate your recent promotion. It’s not bullshit anymore is it? =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Rumblings on the horizon - that’s a good thing!

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

For someone whose intensity usually alienates the fuck out of people, you sure can convince bitches to do your bidding. Blame it on the fact that within you, there’s been a shift in the way you approach new situations/predicaments in yo life. Dare I say you’re even optimistic AF nowadays. This is a great evolution in you and you should be able to keep up this positive momentum through the new year! =====

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

There’s a lot of huffing and puffing with not much of substance where you’re concerned. But lucky for yo ass, close bitches and their moms have come up with a SAGITTARIUS filter to sift out the padding from yo truth. So rest assured that no matter how much discombobulated shit you spew out, the rest of us will be able to translate your real intent. And no worries, you’ll get all of the excess out of your system soon enough. =====

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

Your divaness at your workplace is beginning to filter into your personal life. Usually you know how to turn the switch off that shit, but with the stress permeating throughout the many facets of your life, it’s hard to keep track of how to be anymore. Use the guidance of a good friend to steer you in the right direction, and for godsakes, don’t boss that bitch around! =====

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’re the guy who wins one game of rummy and all of a sudden thinks he’s the shit. All of a sudden, you’re this cocky ass motherfucker who doesn’t know how to quit, betting on all them games and stuff. Before you know it, you have a gambling problem, a massive load of debt and everyone hates you. Don’t be that guy, dude. And just between the two of us, I let you win that first game, brah. =====

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

Just because you’re feeling like your career is whooping yo ass it don’t mean that you should start setting the bar low. I know that second guessing yourself is your version of being realistic but what you’re not realizing is that some career paths take a fucking long time. If this is what you really wanna do in your life, you will stay and per-fucking-severe. Okay, queen? =====

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

We’re tired of the gimmicks and the smoke & mirrors. It is time for you to set your sights on one of your big visions and follow the fuck through. There is a part of you that fears the unknown, so you’d rather jump from one big idea to the next, non-committal, rather than making an investment on one particular thing. We know you have the chops to make things happen. All you gotta do is see what we’re seeing. =====

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

Take it from me, this is not the time to make big swings - especially in the comedy department. Peeps are verrry sensitive these days that even one misunderstanding of your intent can turn your future into complete doodoo. Whatever instinct you may have, if there’s even a part of you that feels like it may be risky to carry out, then don’t even. Wait a few more months. =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

We love your big ideas, gurl, but right now, we need you to stick to the muthafucking outline. If it were just you on the chopping block, then we would be leaving you to your own devices, but there are other hos out here who will be affected if we don’t turn this shit in on time. So, please, queen. Save the dragons and gargoyles for another script. =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

You’re not very good at saying no, are you? Especially when it comes to loved ones. Look. Being a full-time Yasss Queen takes a lot of fucking energy. And if you run yourself ragged, you will not be of any good to the bitches who you’re saying “yes, I’ll help you” anyway. You need to start setting limits and you need to start drawing lines. Save yo ass from possible immense exhaustion. =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

Now that you’re back from vacay, it’s time to put in a few more weeks of hard work before the entire town shuts down for the holidays. I know that your mind will be tempted to get lost in the sea of commercial holiday spirit, but you have to rein that in, gurl. Crucial times call for crucial queens like you who can do the job and who lots of bitches depend on. Be a trooper. Not a daydreaming ho. =====

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

As your responsibilities erode over the next few weeks, you may think that you’re in the clear. Not necessarily. Giving in to being unproductive will just leave you feeling restless and useless. You live to stress, and strategize, gurl. You must keep that struggling, survival instinct within you. Let’s face it. That shit is lifeblood for yo thirsty ass. =====

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

Just because one of your projects got pushed, it don’t mean that you’re in the clear. Things are actually tougher now because although you are allowed to start late, the deadline still stays the same, queen! You actually have less time now than you anticipated, brainiac! So stop procrastinating and keep yo ass in the game, honey! =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Raising the stakes. One chapter at a time.

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

It’s not that easy trying to find those elusive coupon codes for a potential online purchase. Most of the time it’s a mislead, based on what you may be putting in that Google search field. Other times, that shit may have expired. I’d say keep trying, but at some point, you may have to admit to yourself that paying discount price may not be worth all that fucking hassle. =====

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Sometimes, an idea sounds great while you’re in the confines of your own thoughts, but when you actually start vocalizing that shit in front of your possé of queens, it sounds not well thought out. You may be in this situation right now and let me tell you, honey, the excitement you feel might be overcoming your common sense. Another option is that the timing may be off. Keep mum until you’ve done some more pontificating. =====

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

I don’t know where this is all coming from, but for some reason, all this SAT vocabulary words are suddenly flying out of your mouth like you’re a goddam thesaurus. Are you trying to impress Derrick from Acquisitions or something? Because let me tell you, queen, he doesn’t play for your team. And even if he did, he’s kinda dumb. =====

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

It doesn’t always feel great when you’re trying to organize an outing for your gaggle of gays and those bitches can’t get their calendars together. I think you may be expecting too much from them. They love you, and there was a time when they would just drop whatever they’re doing for yo ass. But times have changed and these queens have evolved into whatever domesticated world they’ve put themselves in. So, if you can’t get them all together, you should take what you can get. =====

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

You may be seeing Amanda Woodward in the mirror right now, when in reality, you’re really just Alison Parker. And hey, that’s totally fine! I just don’t want you walking in that boardroom at D&D Advertising thinking that you’re the shit. Being a confident bitch in your industry may be commendable, but so is learning how to read the fucking room. =====

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

Get ready for your mind to be bombarded with a lot of fabulous ideas. Quite possibly, more than yo ass can handle. In times like these, you must not attempt to take in all the sparks, or your pretty little head is gonna explode. Capture those pockets of inspiration that you can, and be confident in yourself. This is not the last time you’ll get inspired like this. =====

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

Delegating is a tricky li’l bitch, because it requires a different kind of T: Trust. There’s the act of trusting another human being to take care of a certain task. And there’s also the act of trusting yourself to choose the right person to assign things to. Rather than trying to make sure everyone of your queens are happy by making them feel useful, opt for assigning tasks only to those who can get that shit done. You know who they iz. =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

In a desperate attempt to save yo ass, you may be tempted to put the fear of god in someone’s heart. Doing so will prove to be efficient to your agenda, but after the deed is done, just be aware that bitches may see you differently from here on out. Hey, if you’re comfortable being seen as someone who will throw someone under the bus, then I guess that’s your prerogative. =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Going about your business under the radar may be a great idea for you right now. The more you get involved in other people’s drama, the more you’ll be pushed into the spotlight, in addition to being unproductive. It’s tempting to hang out by the water cooler, but getting all your ducks in a row will make any future chill times with your office possé that much more enjoyable. =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

It will not be enough to get every bitch and ho on board with your flashy and innovative concepts. You must also show them that you are capable of executing these fabulous ideas. And what does that entail, really? Well, there’s a leap of faith on their part, and there’s also your proven track record. The more you can supply the latter, the more they can do their part in trusting yo ass. =====

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

Now that you’re Beyoncé, the stakes have been raised the house down and the pressure is on. There are advantages to having a public persona: More fans, more perks, more love. There are pitfalls as well. One misconstrued move may be your ultimate downfall, and you’ll be a lot worse than where yo ass started. You can’t have everything so make sure you play them cards right, ya hear? =====

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

If you’re gonna put the pressure on your loved ones to spend some time with yo ass, just remember that this shit goes two ways, yo! For instance, if you’re gonna make yourself unavailable when your other half has finally made room for some nookie, you can’t blame her when it don’t happen. So before you make those diva demands, make sure you leave room for hos to fulfill them. =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

When someone says, “I’m kind of a bitch,” I usually just go ahead and remove “kind of” in my brain.

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

You know, when you really push out of your comfort zone -- and by that, I mean, not thinking every bitch and ho and their moms is out to get you -- you’re actually not half bad. We don’t know how long this act is gonna last, but we are certainly grateful about not having to walk around on eggshells around yo ass for once. Being on our tippy toes 24/7 is a bitch. =====

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You’re in that happy-go-lucky mood where you feel like... well, how you are at Folsom Street Fair, for example. You know, just letting that dick swing around willy nilly with no consideration as to what or who it may hit. Certainly explains the barrage of weird text messages we’re getting from yo ass. Just remember, some of us are a bit more understanding of how you iz than other hos who might get mixed signals from your sudden interest in them. Watch where you’re swinging that dick, Tracy! =====

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

You’re usually not afraid to speak out what you’re after and then going for it. You’re like a Pointer Sister on the runway, pointing at the direction you intend to walk at, and then heading that way. Lately though, you’re been a bit ambivalent about telling anyone about your next goal. We admit, it’s a bit out-of-the-box for you, but with enough courage and conviction, we’re sure you’ll convince us of your vision. =====

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

The holidays are coming and you’re not really a traditionalist, so this time of the year always feels a little iffy for your taste. Rather than faking it through all the parties and celebrations, why don’t you just live your fucking truth and celebrate (or not celebrate) the season as you see fit? The rest of us already think you’re a weirdo, so you really don’t have anything to lose, right? =====

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

You are so busy trying to please other bitches, that when two of them have differing opinions as to how you should spend time with them, you hit kind of a dead end and your energy stalls at that point. It’s not a good way to live, my darling. So if I were you, I’d start erecting some boundaries so you can live your life free from other queens’ perception of yo juicy ass. =====

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

When it comes to romance, you be looking like you got it all figurred out. The rest of us are not used to this and we don’t know how to act around yo ass. Usually you’re whining your way through all your failed dates like a poor man’s Carrie Bradshaw. Now your smile is a bit infectious and quite frankly, putting us on fucking edge. But hey, as long as you’re happy, who cares about the rest of us, right? =====

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

You need to talk to your PR people. Okay, we get it -- you’ve had a string of successes in your life lately, but if bitches be advertising that 24/7, not only will we get tired of that shit, pressure would also build up where your concerned. All of a sudden, queens will be expecting a lot more from you than ever, making it impossible to live up to. So when it comes to publicity, either tone it down a notch or opt for a controlled release. It’s called “PR edging.” =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

You know, although some of us shouldn’t be surprised whenever you have your sudden bursts of mood swings or snap-itudes, when they do happen, it’s never not off-putting. Just like with learning how to kiss for the first time, whenever you feel the urge to lash out at anyone, it’s always a great idea to practice on a fucking pillow first. =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

It just seems like certain bitches in your life who have been there forever are slipping through your fingers lately. Well, maybe you shouldn’t try to grab them so fiercely. The acceptance that the world around us is constantly changing, and that queens are always evolving... is a very important notion. If you let go enough, you’ll be making room for far more fulfilling adventures in the horizon. You know, like naked laser tag. =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

You are way too concerned with how you act on social media. We can see you weighing the pros and cons whenever you are faced with posts that are waiting for your likes (or whatever reactions are available nowadays). Look, it’s not rocket science. Either you like something or you just fucking don’t. Just go with your gut! =====

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

When your Halloween partner switches up the costume on yo ass, it’s just another fucking thing you have to add to your stress pile. Look, now that you’re Beyoncé, you’re gonna have to get used to a non-stop mixture of parties and putting out fires left and right. This costume change is nothing. You got bigger fish to fry, gurl. Starting with Michelle Williams. =====

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

Money’s gonna be a worry soon if you don’t watch where you’re shoving them bills. Do you really need yet another fucking Apple product just so you’ll have the most current gadget to show off your gaggle (or faggle) of tech-hungry queens? The high of having the latest shit only lasts a week. It’s not worth hacking away at your savings. Plus, Dragcon tickets will be on sale soon! =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Controlling that narrative.

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

Look, if you’re noticing that your constituents are acting up around you, the one nugget you must drill in your cute brain is that this behavior is not about chu, hunty! So if you’re feeling the urge to confront and be all Nene Leakes about that shit, I encourage you to step back a bit and make sure you got all the fucking facts straight. From where I’m standing, you could use a bit more research. =====

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

It’s gonna come out of nowhere and you will not expect it. I’m talking about a certain friend of yours who’s about to come out with a press release to end all press releases. Normally you’d be okay with it, but not when it overshadows your own. There’s a lot to be said about timing, but there’s also a lot to be said about how one acts during a setback. =====

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Sometimes, when you meet someone and you get all the fucking feels, it’s hard not to keep coming back for more. But by doing so at a fast rate, the flame might burn out quickly. It’s totally fine to enjoy the newness of this recent partnership, but you’ve been down this road before. It’s always a great idea to take the time to prolong the gratification. It’s called Romantic Edging, sweetie. =====

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

Mixing politics with family - usually not a good idea, but we are dealing with crucial times right now. This is the time to be really upfront about the things you believe in and make sure that your fam knows where you stand. With family, it’s always a tricky balance between personal and debate (especially with Aunt Fucking Judy and Uncle Whatshisface), but look, queen. Your politics comes from a personal place. There’s something to be said about healthy debate, and it doesn’t always happen, but awareness is everything. =====

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You need to beware of someone’s gimmicky idea. From where you’re standing the presentation looks amazeballs, but when you squint your eyes a bit and go deeper into the tea, it’s not all that. Others might even call it... ::ahem:: a motherfucking scam. I know you’re a smart queen and you’ll find out eventually, but I figured, the sooner the better. You’re welcome. =====

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

It’s never fun to fight with your partner over money, you know, ‘coz  moolah makes people act weird. I think that you should preface the discussion with the awareness that you’re only taking care of business. This has nothing to do with how you feel about each other nor should it affect any performances in the boudoir. Easier said than done, of course, but if no one’s gonna draw any lines, this argument may just become a messy affair. =====

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

A certain bitch may jussst surprise yo ass this week. This queen has fallen off your radar, but she’s about to make a comeback. This is not all by chance, hunty. You are in some sort of an emotional predicament and this ho may just have the words to erase your doubts and fears. After the condragulations have been said, get your question out of the way before this bitch becomes too busy AF. =====

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

These next few weeks is all about things you can control and things you can’t help. And when it comes to your work life, this shit is more important than ever. When shit hits the fan, always remember that what you can control is your reaction to any quandaries you will face in the aftermath. Keep that spine straight, that face sickening AF, and your behavior will follow suit. =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

The waiting period you’re in fucking sucks. I know. Your natural energy is such that you always have to keep moving and thinking and creating AF. But there is a certain magic that comes with contemplation. Containing that boisterous energy within your heart can help it regain focus, so when you finally unleash that shit, it’s pointed at a specific target and can deliver the most impact. =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

As the zodiac sign most tethered to the past, every word you utter and every action you unleash carries a lot of weight and meaning. While this can be the gift that keeps on giving, in some ways, it also limits you to see the possibilities of what may happen. Holding on to so much of that past leaves no room to open yourself up to gain new knowledge and experience. Be assured that your memories will never fade. Especially with that big ass head of yours. =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

It’s never cute when you’re dealing with an AQUARIUS, especially in a discussion. These bitches can turn off their emotional crap when engaging in debate and for someone who thinks any form of criticism is 90% a personal attack on yo ass, this shit can be disarming. Being aware of who you’re dealing with is half the battle. And honestly, you two queens could learn something from each other.  =====

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

Okay, so you’re a fucking mess. Because of your awareness that things are about to change for yo ass, you’re already thinking -- sorry, I meant -- obsessing about how to control the narrative. I think that’s all well and all, because you have to look out for your future. All I’m saying is that you should leave room for things to not go your way and be ready to react when that kind of shit happens. =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

It’s all good. Until you cross me.

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

When it comes to matters of romance, gurl you have a lot of unrealistic expectations which no one will be able to live up to. They say that VIRGOs are perfectionists - this is true - but you’re even worse. The only reason you get away with that shit is because you’re so fucking charming. So when it comes to your demands, take it down a notch, hunty or you’re gonna wind up spending time with no one but your Netflix queue. =====

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

I thought I was having a good year, until I found out about your shit. As it turns out, you’ve been keeping mum regarding the huge fucking tidings the universe has been throwing your way. You know, because you don’t want to sound too muthafucking gloaty. Well now that we know what you’ve been hiding, all we can say is “good for you!” and “Fuck you.” =====

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Just because one of your constituents is being salty AF, it don’t mean that she’s feeling hate towards you. As it turns out, this bitch really gives a shit about what happens to you and she’s more than prepared to give you the toughest muthafucking love in order to get your head straight. I would stop worrying about your hurt feelings and start listening to what this bitch has to say, OKRRR! =====

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

If you’re looking for realness then this week couldn’t have come at a better time. Now that you’ve got your career shit and romantic shit intact, you’re in the mood to pontificate about the fucking meaning of life. You’re willing to find kindred spirits who feel like soulmates without the high pressure and messiness of intercourse. It’s not everyone’s style, but I feel you. =====

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Whenever your love life is in the dumps, your natural inclination is to ignore that shit until that long episode is over, commercials and all. Look, 8 times out of ten - the kind of bitches you start relationshipping with - your method of aloofness works. This time, I am not so sure. I would call up your frienz, the ones who actually do something when this kind of shit happens to them, so you can get to learnin’ about how to fix your situation. =====

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

This week, you will not be able to hide the look of shock on your face when your partner begins to act like he actually appreciates yo ass. You won’t have a clear answer right away why this is all happening and gurl, you bettah not waste your time investigating. The answers will come soon enough. Right now, you gotta enjoy that shit while it lasts, queen! =====

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

There’s nothing like being in sync with someone you really care about. Just that feeling of looking at him and both of you don’t even have to fucking say a word and you fully understand each other. Well guess what? You might think that’s cute, but to the rest of your friends who have to watch as you and your beau trade tickles and googly eyes? It’s like a TV which plays nothing but The Hallmark Channel. =====

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

It’s who you know, queen. Things are about to fall into place for yo ass and it’s all due to your hard work appeasing numerous bitches in your life. All those times sitting through awkward parties and keeping that smile going even though idiots around you were saying some nasty shit (some were kinda racist) - all that shit is about to pay off. That deposit button at the GayTM is about to get pressed hard! And multiple times. =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

Identity theft is no laughing matter this week, when you find out that some ho is using your material in front of her new friends. Instead of laying it on her, I urge you to see it from her point of view. She doesn’t get to meet a lot of people often so her social skills are lacking. Plus, out of all the bitches in the world, she chose to copy yo ass. That’s kinda dope. =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

When your therapist told you that you need to strengthen your bond with yo man, she wasn’t talking about handcuffs and harnesses, gurl! You really should stop taking things so literally and in massive amounts. But hey, if you’re feeling like you need to spice things up in the bedroom, who are we to judge? As long as you’re not hurting any innocent bystanders / elderly, then I say, “whip away!” =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

Here she comes. Just when things are finally happening for you, this other ho sits her ass down in your living room, sizes you up and then tells you you’re not good enough. And she don’t stop there. She follows you to Whole Foods and starts criticizing everything you’re buying. You’ve had it. I’ve had it. It’s time that you look this bitch in the eye and say, “Doubt, get the fuck out of my face.” =====

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

You’re feeling a bit uneasy this week, because you’ve been wanting to get something for so long, that when you finally get it so abruptly, you realized that you were not prepared for what happens next. Well, queen, just like with all those times you’ve gotten NOs in your life, you just gotta keep on working hard and dream muthafucking big. Your journey has just begun, you badass bitch. =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

Category is... All-Stars!

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

Let’s face it. You can be a manipulative ho who don’t give a fuck how others feel or what other bitches wanna do with their time. But you hide it sooo well that we usually have no idea whenever you pull the rug from beneath us until it’s too late. Some queens are beginning to notice what lurks beneath your charming façade. So, watch it, LIBBY! =====

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

It’s not everyday that the universe chooses to align with your desires. Although you may feel guilty about taking advantage of this glorious situation, I’m gonna need you to get over yourself and milk that shit for all its worth. Every misfortune you’ve ever experienced in your life has converted itself to karma coins. It’s time to collect. With interest, gurl. =====

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You’ve picked the best time to get your shit together, SAGGY. Everyone else is in recovery mode from this past summer and most of the movers and shakers around you have decided to just stay still. I know that you’re not the most organized person out there, but if you just allow your strongest desires to manifest themselves in front of yo ass, you’d have an easier time planning your strategy around that. =====

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

You’re usually a shady bitch who likes to keep her biznits hidden from errbody else. This week, this quiet confidence exists within you and you’re just all about being transparent with your everyday dealings. I think that’s swell and all, but you’d still want to keep a major side eye on anyone who might want to take advantage of your “transparency.” =====

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Usually, it’s enough for you to put your full belief on the shit that you’re trying to sell us, but this week, that’s not gonna fly. Other bitches have been used to your default mode that it’s gonna take a bit of creativity and innovation in your part to get your “colorful” ideas across. There is still room for you to surprise us, you just gotta dig deep within your bag of tricks. =====

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

There is some shit bubbling within you which you’re more than happy to unleash on any unsuspecting bystander. But, until you can fully grasp the very specifics of what is bothering yo ass, I advice you to keep mum. Doing the opposite will just increase the chances of you embarrassing yourself. The more you stick to the facts, the less crazy we’ll think you iz when you finally reveal your concerns. =====

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

There’s something about you that’s turning heads this week, and gurl, it’s not that new deodorant you’re raving about. What bitches may be seeing is a complete alignment of your soul and your physicality, and that shit is manifesting itself in lots of ways – through your interactions with others and just by the way you’re carrying yoself. Really hold on to that feeling of unity, ‘coz this is definitely one of those “while-supplies-last” kind of gigs. =====

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

Sit yo ass down, Mary! Here’s the thing. You’ve been sooo busy catering to other people’s shitty ass needs that you’re forgetting about yourself. Remember --You? I think you’re afraid that actively pursuing your desires will make you seem selfish to others. Well, let me free you from yourself when I say that no one has any fucks to give what you do with your spare time. It’s time to really pamper yourself, queen! =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

You have all this altruistic energy and you want to make sure you’re spending it on a meaningful cause. But you’re so obsessed about making sure that the cause you pick to champion is the right one that you’re actually working counterproductively. Shed your worries about what others may think. Pick the mission that feels right to you. Who cares if it don’t feel right for others? =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Oh gurl – you are all about the bonding experience this week that you’re willing to grab anyone from your posse to make sure it happens. You’re not even choosy about which ho to pick – it’s like any basic bitch would do. I think that the best way for you to get your money’s worth is by trying to find a like-minded ho who shares the same passion in digging into life’s adventures the same way as you do. =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

Look, bitch. We get that you think you’re Christy Turlington this week, but you might want to take it down a couple of notches. Bitches be trying to concentrate on getting all their shits together and that’s becoming impossible to do when they keep seeing this loud, shiny queen at the corner of their eyes. Always remember: what you do with your rampant flame has a strong impact on others’ futures and sanity. =====

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

You’ve always been able to control a lot of factors in your life. But the one thing yo ass can’t fully control is muthafucking people. And their emotions. You can stomp your cute li’l heart out and throw passive-aggressive temper tantrums, but in the end, people are people. Bitches be bitches. They all have their own beliefs about what’s good for them. You need to allow them to live their lives. =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

Next!

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

When you follow up about a certain opportunity this week, that shit is gonna be tricky. You don’t want to overtly say, “remember that thing you were supposed to give me? Where is it?” Whatchu wanna do is check in in a way that is courteous and nice, therefore, making them feel like you’re doing your due diligence but at the same time, you’re not being an asshole about it. Cool? =====

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll be traipsing through this week with absolutely no idea whatchu doin. And hey, usually that would freak you out but not this time. You’re in such a daze about an upcoming event that you’d rather not riddle your brain with mind clutter. Although this isn’t like you, the reality is that yo ass could use a break from all that intense “worry about everything” mode. =====

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You’re a bit bipolar this week. Certain events in your life has caused you to keep switching from one persona to another as a form of adapting to your surroundings. Other people wouldn’t be able to handle such a task (looking at chu, VIRGO!) but you see the personality back-and-forth as another way to express your penchant for roleplay (let’s face it). =====

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

There’s a bit of a clusterfuck on the horizon set to whoop yo ass this week. I’m not telling you this so you can prepare to face it and control it. I’m giving you the heads up because, you won’t be able to contain this one. How you react when the shitshow hits the fan will be the true test of your character. The key is learning how to embrace the unexpected and knowing that you can’t fix everything. =====

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

There is a tug-of-war happening between your strong analytical side and the allure of the mysticism that exists in your environment this week. The more you try to figure out what the fuck is happening in your neighb, the more frustrated you’ll become. Whatever’s transpiring around you does not need to be figured out. It just needs to be enjoyed. =====

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

This is not the time to be adjusting your truth just so other bitches can feel better about themselves. You want to be as clear as possible when you’re making your wishes known to the universe. There’s so much clutter out there that any attempt to blend in so you’re not offending anybody will make you completely forgettable. Be truthful about your personal story and be loud when you’re speaking it. =====

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

A certain event you’re used to going won’t be so enjoyable this year. Things have changed, gurl. Nostalgia has affected your expectations and the more yo ass clings to the past, the more disappointed you’ll become. This is the time to look at this event with fresh eyes. Rather than being tethered to the what’s been done, why not focus on creating new memories this time around? =====

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

Your Compassion Activity Meter is at an all-time low. I think certain events in your life has hardened you - and not in a good way, gurr. It’s possible that you’re forgetting your purpose on this earth and it’s causing an unfortunate chain of events to unfold where it’s kicking yo ass at every turn. It’s time to make peace with Karma before she writes you off as some busted queen. =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

As the queen of bullshit, you can usually see BS from afar. This week, there is so much clutter in your midst that it’s not as easy to figure out who’s being for real and who’s trying to sell you a watch from a sketchy trench coat. Look, all it is is that your processes in unveiling the truth will be a bit slower than usual. You can still get the T; it’s just gonna take some time, gurl. =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Trying to analyze a certain bitch’s unique lingo will be a true test of patience. But it’s all worth it, queen! The more you try to figure this other ho out, the wider your brain will expand to accommodate all this new knowledge you’re acquiring by the minute. Whether or not you are successful in decoding this gurl’s spoken word, rest assured that the exercise alone has proven that you’re a patient and persistent muthafucka. =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

You were doing just fine until another ho came atchu a certain way, making comments about your future plans and shit. She’s just being like that because she don’t have the luxury to be thinking about her future. Certain events in life have caused her to feel stuck in her present. What this gurl needs isn’t resistance. This bitch needs some muthafucking compassion. =====

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

When an opportunity doesn’t work out the way you want it to, expect a temper tantrum on your part. As long as you’re not accidentally hitting innocent bystanders / elderly, feel free to go all extra and then some. But make it quick, tho. Another adventure awaits and this one is so much fucking better than that other one you were obsessing about. =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

This week’s forecast: Cloudy with a side of ketchup.

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

Oh, gurl. Get ready to struggle, bitch. Think of it like trying to get through thick weeds. You know there’s a clearing on the other side, but you don’t even have the slightest clue where you iz right now. The more you think about what’s outside your wall of thorny weeds, the less you’re thinking about your current predicament. You’ll need to temporarily set aside your hopes for the future and pay attention to what’s right in front of yo ass. =====

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

You’re tired AF and bitches wanna hang. On a regular day, you’d feel comfortable saying no. But things are different right now. The queens asking for your time are quite powerful and can move you up to the next level in your career, if you act right and play the game. You can always rest next week. For now, really amplify the charm and show them what a LIBRA is made out of. =====

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

Something has been grating on you for months and months now, and you’re finally ready to turn your focus on that shit. You’re a lucky ho, because the universe is paving the way for you to act on this persistent, nagging issue and you can finally get it out of your system. It’s time to hunker down, dig into your heels and get to WERQ. There ain’t no turning back now, queen. =====

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You’re the one bitch I know whose heart is more open than your legs (well, on Thursdays at least). This week, I urge you to widen up another part of your body: your brain. You’ll need to expand that motherfucker because a lot of knowledge -- so much knowledge -- is about to befall yo ass. This is really the time to absorb everything you can get out of life. Gurl. It’s time to get learnt. =====

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

We all know that you’re a ruthless, relentless career bitch. How about applying all that you’ve learned in that lipstick jungle of life and channelling it into other facets of your life? You’ve been complaining about the lack of romance in your vicinity and let me tell you. It ain’t gonn come visit if you don’t invite that shit. Put a bit of effort into making it happen for yourself. You’re a go-getter, right? Go get some ass. =====

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

This week, your ability to be a team player will be put into question. It’s not that you don’t wanna play with anybody, it’s just that your ideas are so radical and out of the box that you’re afeard that no one’s gonna take you seriously. I know that you’re used to certain looks from your constituents whenever you express your thoughts. Maybe it would help to start delving into the root of why other queens feel that way, so you can make adjustments to the way you convey your ideas. Sometimes, bitches be dumb and need you to spell shit out for them. =====

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

There’s shit you can put off and shit you have to deal with immediately. Relationship stuff falls in the latter. Whether it’s a friendship, a relationship or a FWB situation, it needs your utmost attention now. Any partnership is a foundation, and the more sturdy the pairing, the stronger anchor you’ll have to ground yo ass while you deal with other clusterfucks in your life. =====

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

Oh, bitch. You just lovvve them shiny objects, don’t you? So much so that you get a bit manic whenever too much shiny shit is surrounding yo ass. This is gonna sound cheesy, but I think it’s time for you to start recognizing the shine that exists within you. The more you pay attention to your glowy insides, the less dependence you’ll have on exterior disingenuous glitter. =====

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

Speaking your truth is not an alien concept to you. You would rather let it all hang out rather than keep it all in. The thought of pretense is just exhausting to you and you’re the one zodiac sign who don’t like to sweat. I think it’s totally fine to be truthful. Just make sure that when you’re expressing your truth, you’re not airing others’ dirty laundry. Some bitches are sensitive about that shit (looking atchu, LEOs). =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

Oftentimes, your instincts are on point and you are able to go through life just reacting to things and hoping that the chips will fall your way -- they usually do, let’s face it. But when the opposite happens and you don’t get what you want -- such as this week -- it sucks, but it forces you to sit back and employ a little bit of what VIRGOs call, “strategy,” in order to help you deal with (and hopefully get out of) your grimy situation. No worries, tho. This shitshow -- only for a limited time! =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Whenever you’re in a networking-type situation, it is not vital that you meet and impress errbody at the event. That takes a lot of effort with very little reward. First, you must always talk to whoever organized that shit. Second, all you need is one, two, or three key bitches to make an impression on. The earliest you can get that shit done, the quicker you can enjoy yourself. Remember fun? =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

Things are fucking hard right now, okay? I sooo get that. Instead of bitching and complaining about it, tho - I encourage you to embrace that struggle. Accept in your heart of hearts that this week, you’re just gonna be squirming all the way to Friday. Hey, at the very least, you can take solace in the thought that your core will be engaged throughout. Hello, absies! =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)