Whump Collector

to clarify, this didn’t happen to me. I found it on twitter and it made my blood boil

by the way, if you talk like this to a stranger in real life, you might get a black eye. I don’t condone violence, but sometimes if you fuck around, you’ll find out. it’s one thing to joke like this with your friend, someone you’re close with. but a stranger? know your boundaries.

...

A bad phone/video connection: Whumper asks a question and the phone cuts out as whumpee's team tries to answer. Now they're shouting into the phone, begging the connection to re-establish before whumper thinks their silence is an answer.

Or, Team asking whumper a question, hearing no response, and being terrified they've said the wrong thing and offended whumper somehow.

Team hiring a hostage negotiator and having to just sit there and put their faith in this stranger's hands.

Whumper sending a representative to negotiate in their place. The representative is repeatedly unable to answer questions or agree to terms the Team offers (because they'd have to confer with whumper on that). The team just gets more and more frustrated as the negotiation goes on.

The fear of saying the wrong thing. The knowledge that one tiny misspeak could end whumpee's life. The guesswork of how to phrase things so whumper won't misunderstand or to not upset whumper.

The team having to appear confident, put together, and professionally cordial with whumper's negotiating team. Otherwise whumper's team will just leave or think they're weak.

The negotiation ending without concrete terms—whumper's agreed to continue the discussion at a later date, the terms boil down to "wait and see" etc. There's no closure, just more sitting on edge, not knowing what's going to happen for yet another few weeks...

Whumpee's team gathering the courage to dial the number/press the "join call" button.

Before the negotiation, the team scrambling to come up with a plan (while feeling so out of their depth). What can they offer whumper? What leverage do they have? What image should they put forward? Should they try to flatter whumper, come off as aloof and unbothered, be brazen—let whumper think they have nothing to lose or that they could actually win?

And, yeah, just the sheer nerves, the tension of it all. Everything going wrong that can. The fear is time that this mistake, this miscalculation, this technical difficulty, will be the one that dooms the negotiation.

Also, the not being able to tell what whumper is thinking. Are they mad or not? Are they considering it? Did they notice that slip up?

They let whumpee listen, but either they’re gagged or have been threatened into silence. They can’t say anything that might help the team.

The team knows whumpee can hear them. But any attempt to reassure them is met with whumper threatening to drop negotiations or hurt whumpee more.

Whumper who’s just amused by the whole situation, pretends to consider the teams pleas, drags things out, pretty much toying with them.

Team who’s desperate, sleep deprived, stressed, most of whom probably have barely eaten, and have headaches from long nights and staring at screens while they look for any way to help.

ohhh anon i see your vision

Whumpee's body is covered in injuries - blood, bruises, burns, cuts, punctures, whatever your fave is, but Whumper just fondly caresses their face and says, "Still perfect."

At one point, Whumpee thinks that Whumper might actually be showing mercy when they interrupt their henchmen during a beating... only for Whumper to remind them, "Not the face," and allow it to continue (while they watch of course).

Whumpee thinks that Whumper's infatuation means they might be able to get away with defiance/snark - but they're wrong. Whumper's punishments might avoid scarring them permanently or marring their face, but they're still obsessed with controlling and dominating them.

Whumpee's skin constantly crawling in Whumper's presence, feeling their eyes on them and imagining what they might be thinking.

Whumpee somehow sees pictures of Whumper's previous victims and realizing they all look eerily similar....and Whumpee looks just like them.

This could also be good for covert whump....because any injuries can be hidden beneath clothes and Whumper appears to dote over Whumpee, no one realizes what happens behind closed doors.

head butting. when done right, can be very effective. when done wrong, will give you a concussion. the hardest part of your skull is the lump below your hairline in the middle (hopefully yk which bit i mean). go ahead and slam the heel of your palm into it; you will notice it doesn’t hurt your head that much but it does hurt you hand a little. depending on how strong your skull is, it might not hurt at all. so, if you slam that bit of your skull into someone’s nose (the weakest part of the skull) you will do them significant damage without hurting yourself that much. even more effective if you use some kind of clinch to pull their face into your skull

on that subject, clinches. im sure there’s a bunch of clinch holds in martial arts but we’re talking about dirty fighting so they don’t matter. what you wanna do is grab the ears of your opponent in a fist. this will allow you to move their head around as you so please, bc if they try to resist, you could end up ripping their ear off. it’s a very effective way to manipulate your opponent’s position and open them up to punches/headbutts/whatever else your twisted mind can think of. you can grab one ear or you can grab both, depends on what the moment calls for

the other clinch is very similar except you grab fistfuls of their hair instead of their ears. same effect, though the potential for grievous bodily harm is lesser

eye gouges. pretty simple, just dig your thumbs into the inner corner of their eyes and push. hard. you should start to feel their eyes bulge a little; keep going.

crotch shots. work best with an opponent who has a dick and balls, but also hurts if they have a vagina (just not as much). for maximum effect, use either the tops of your toes or your shin; gets you the most momentum and hits the hardest. when done well, this will incapacitate a dick and balls opponent for a not insignificant amount of time. bonus points for steel toed boots

wind pipe strike. there are two ways to do this: 1) have your hand out flat, then sort of tense up your fingers and overlap the long ones a little (im not sure how to describe this aptly, the best i can come up with is it’s a similar position as if you were to finger someone with all four fingers. does that make sense?) anyway then you jab them slap bang in the middle of their throat. this will not only hurt, but temporarily stun them as they struggle to breathe for a hot second, allowing you the opportunity to land some more hits. 2) punch them in their throat. again, aim for the middle. this has a high likelihood of crushing their wind pipe as opposed to just bruising it so use sparingly

biting, scratching, tearing and clawing. dont be afraid to get your hands dirty. or your mouth. part of your brain is gonna be telling you to chill out but ignore it. when you bite them, bite as hard as you can and don’t let go until either they make you or you win. when you scratch them, dig as deep into their flesh as you can, and then tear. if you have long nails, stab them with your hand. and dont just go for arms or shit like that, go for their gut, their throat, their face. think like an aggressive chimp

when you throw a punch, twist your hand just as you make contact. this should cut them up a bit on top of the punch damage and it’ll bleed, which they won’t expect and will hopefully freak them out a little bit. at the very least, it’ll surprise them and throw them off for a hot second. now, full disclosure, i don’t know if this actually works, i have never seen it in action. but the guy who told me about it seemed really confident. he did say it took a bit of practice to make it work though. anyway take this one with a grain of salt

use anything and everything at your disposal. i dont just mean using a pot plant as a weapon, though that is a good idea, but also use things things as an obstacle. take the plant out of the pot then throw it in their face. then throw the soil in their face as well. youre not just trying to deal them damage, youre also trying to avoid damage yourself, and your surroundings are your best friend

you also wanna focus on vulnerable areas. crotch, nose, eyes and throat are pretty obvious, hitting them in the head is always a good idea, anything squishy is a good shout. hitting someone in the kidneys is a great way to stun them, it really hurts and almost always catches them off guard. same goes for liver and spleen. if you can deal some damage to their spine, do it bc that will really fuck them up, but be warned it’s not the easiest target and could hurt you as well

adrenaline. first, you wanna learn how to ride an adrenaline high for maximum effect. induce one as soon as it becomes clear a fight will start (yk how in boxing and mma and shit the fighter get all up in each others faces and like. yell at each other? that’s them getting their adrenaline up. so basically get hype is what i’m saying). second, you wanna throw their adrenaline high off. the best way to do this is confuse them as their adrenaline is kicking in, bc that’s gonna reset their adrenaline high. as you see them getting hype, ask them how their day has been, or what their favourite ice cream flavour is, smthn really banal like that. you’d be surprised how effective this can be

in fact, confusion in general. just start shouting random things at them. if you get the opportunity, do smthn weird, like a little jig. this will throw them off their game. seriously, confusion is your best friend. it will take the wind out of their sails and they won’t fight as well

on a similar note, frustration. frustrate your opponent. flick them on their nose (or other demeaning attacks), make some yo mama jokes, do your best to be as annoying yet effective as possible and they will get very frustrated. this might sound like a bad thing, but people don’t fight as well when they’re frustrated. they might hit harder, but less of their hits will land, so overall it works out in your favour

dont be afraid to look stupid. ties into my last two points but your goal is not to look cool, it’s to get the fuck out of there in one piece. it is incredibly hard to look good whilst fighting unless the fight has been choreographed or youre doing martial arts. idk how many of you have seen a street fight play out but it’s not attractive. you look dumb. and that’s ok as long as you win

go batshit insane. this is arguably the most important piece of advice. for all i’ve taught you about technique, it’s not all that important; more just another tool in your belt. the best way to win a dirty fight is to lose all sense of decency and lose your shit. don’t hesitate to break bones; snap their fingers, crush their shoulders, whatever you can think of, do it. like i said in the biting bit, do not hold back. i heard this story once of a guy who got jumped by a group of would-be hard men and he ripped off one of their ears (remember how i said you could do that pretty easily? do it) and then took a bite. idk if this is actually true but stranger things have happened and tbh even if it’s a lie, the principle remains true. your goal with going batshit insane is not to merely deal damage, it’s also to freak them out. if a guy rips off your ear and takes a bite, are you gonna keep fighting him? or are you gonna run away bc what in the actual fuck was that? even if they do stick around, they won’t be fighting as well bc they’re gonna be scared, theyre gonna be hesitant, and theyre not gonna be confident, which means they’ll throw shitty punches. make them think you are genuinely insane and they’ll be a lot more nervous about fighting you. dirty fighting has just as much to do with psychology as it does with physical violence

finally, we have the only rule of fighting dirty; never start it, but always finish it. you don’t want to fight (or at least you shouldnt) but someone has forced your hand. you should be trying to end the fight as soon as possible, and the most effective way to do that is to win. dont go overboard; just do as much as you need to to get away and hope you don’t fuck them up too much. ideally you come away with a clear conscience. i really wanna stress the importance of getting away bc that is what youre trying to do here, youre trying to get to safety by any means necessary. dirty fighting should be avoided at all costs, but if you really have to, now you know how. or your character does. i hope no one uses this to actually fight people irl

Hand on the throat — not choking, just resting there, a reminder of how easily it could turn.

Crowding in close — shoulder to the wall, breath hot in the ear, nowhere to move.

Weapon pressed flat — knife laid cold against the skin, unmoving, just waiting.

Mocking calmness — a soft smile, quiet words, while holding them pinned in place.

Dragged into the light — spotlight or flashlight shoved in the face, no shadows to hide in.

Hands behind the back — wrists twisted just enough to ache, captor murmuring threats.

Forced stillness — someone grips their jaw tight, turning their face where they want it.

Interrupted silence — no strike, no shout, just someone leaning close and whispering: “You know what happens next.”

Cut off from escape — blocking the doorway, boots planted, arms folded, waiting for the panic to rise.

Pain without strike — pressing a thumb into a fresh bruise or wound, watching for the flinch.

Looming presence — circling like a predator, slow steps echoing louder than words.

Mock vulnerability — letting them go, daring them to try to run, promising what will happen if they do.

Dragged to the ground — knee planted on the chest, pinning with effortless weight.

Also you can buy my Ref folder here 

Anyway I need to share with you all the most hilarious line that has ever been written, circa 1887: