The Happy Cynic

Hand Embroidered Silk Velvet Evening Gown

c. 1934

Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Several eyewitnesses, who watched the seagull aimlessly wander around a Target parking lot that was located two whole states away from any coastal habitat that could provide proper food, shelter, and protection to the animal, told reporters the bird was more than likely a complete shit-for-brains and a huge fucking embarrassment to its species.

“Wow, that numbskull must have really fucking messed up,” said Erin Hampton, who reportedly saw the sorry-ass seagull pathetically eating smashed-up French fries off of a dirty sidewalk that, she was quick to confirm, was not a goddamn beach. “Come on, dum-dum, get your shit together. The ocean’s that way.”

Evening Dress

c. 1902

American