tw suicide / suicidal talk / racial dysphoria
Yk guys I love myself, I love Black and Japanese people, I love being Black and Japanese, I love that irl people perceive me as Black, I love that online people perceive me as Black and Japanese
But sometimes it is really hard to keep that love intact, I considered committing suicide because I cannot stand being totally perceived as I want to, sometimes people don't take me seriously and that pissed me off so bad
I try to keep myself strong and love myself as a Blasian but I seriously can't when my dysphoria is trying to kill me everyday at every second, looking at "real" Black people makes me just sad, the same with looking at other "real" Japanese people on the internet or talking to them directly
Idk man I will end up fucking trying to cut myself if I don't end this post soon bc I really don't like this
This is pure shit, dysphoria is shit, everybody is shit and I probably should kill myself before someone make a dumb callout post calling me a racist yuck or smth like that ughhhhhhh why can't I just live happily without thinking about it a lot
I went to a psychologist few days ago, she started talking about my (gender) transition and asking if they could do something to help with my dysphoria. How the hell do I explain her I'm totally fine with how I live with my gender now but I have ANOTHER type of dysphoria that doesn't let me work, talk or act like a normal person at all, how the fuck do I explain race dysphoria without having to tell all the times I ugly cried, yelled, vomited and wanted to die because of not being perceived as blasian π«©
Yeah it might be a delusion, it might be something I wanted to be bc I'm a Black/Asian fetishist or smth like that but I DONT CARE, it might be bc of my own "cute little want to oppressed weeaboo π₯Ί" ahh syndrome but I still feel distressed for it, I tried, I really tried, I distance myself from the community as much as possible and I still found myself scrolling through motivational trace posts because I can't with my own dysphoria, I can't help but try to find more people like me who (I think) will not try to change me
I can't help but return to this account once in a while to just try to keep me ALIVE, this is not just a funny community thing anymore this fuckass community is the one keeping me breathing as I'm doing now, it keeps me from trying to do dumb things to myself and it keeps me from trying to suddenly dissappear as I would like
Bc I know probably my current friends wouldn't care less (who would care about a fake Black/weeaboo CFFF) but at least I know someone in this community will care, I hope someone remembers me when I decide to go, please don't forget me when that happens, and also remember that I really tried
