&! Kol Eliana;

Dear [shul],

Please to not be repeatedly printing wrong havdalah times on the bulletin. And then dismiss people who raise it to and in the ritual committee. And then ignore the group of women who are trying to get your attention during announcements to tell you it’s wrong.

People rely on those. They bring them home, and they USE THOSE TIMES.

Yes, of course! :-)

Honestly? A big part of it was thinking to myself “you’ve come SO FAR, there’s no way you can go back now”. And seeing friends get married and start families and do amazing things within their communities was also motivating, knowing that that’s what I wanted too, and that it would all be worth it in the end if i could get to that point too.

hey! you’re TOTALLY welcome to ask me questions :-) so, I met with the beit din multiple times (this is very standard, I don’t know of any who will meet with a potential convert less than once and I would be very wary of one that would. They need to get to know you, guage where you’re at observance-wise and how you’re working towards growing and being a part of the community. They need to be comfortable that you know what you need to know to make it through the day, week and year (haha), and that you have a support system in place. Not to mention that you’re sincere, that your motivation is coming from the right place, and that you understand what you’re getting yourself into!

Personally, I met with them for the first time in May 2015, before I went to seminary. My seminary wanted written confirmation that I was “in-process” and formally working with a beit din. That’s pretty standard for programs in Israel.

Then, I met with them about once every 6 months (that’s as often as the beit din here will meet with people), until July 2015 when they gave me the green light; after that it was about a month or so to work out logistics.

If you mean the time gap specifically between that last meeting and the mikva date, it was literally just to do with the logistics of getting them together (at a place that wasn’t their regular office) during the summer when they are traveling, school is out of session, etc. Also, it wasn’t actually an issue for when they wanted to have me go, but for women there are times when it’s not okay to get in the mikvah, so that gets taken into account also (ie. you can’t go to the mikvah if you’re menstruating).

As for dating, oh gosh, that’s a whole other post. After being “in limbo” for so long, it’s kind-of a funny feeling to turn that side of you back “on”, so to speak. It’s a little surreal.

LIFNEI EIVER IS A THING.

So I lost my original draft of this post (grr, Tumblr! No love!), but I wanted to get these things “down”, so to speak. Because I’ll forget, ALL too soon! MIKVA (and immediately after) DEETS.

The night before, [sponsoring-rabbi] calls to see how I’m doing, and asks “so, wanna go out for one last cheeseburger”? Hee. I’m good. And more of a meat lovers’ pizza girl anyway ;-)

Learning the prep run-down the night before with the kollel rebbetzin, who called me right after to make sure it had gone okay. She reminded me to actually DAVEN while in the water.

The ALMOST freak-out around my nose ring not coming out, and the one regular beit din rabbi who was there not feeling comfortable making a decision because it would have to be their policy; so they went to the top at the RCA to figure out if they could rule it wasn’t a chatzitzah. Which they did.

[Ima-extraordinaire] came with me. SO SPECIAL. If it were not for her and her family, I don’t know that I’d be here. They were my first exposure, my first standing Shabbat invitation, my safe space to learn and grow and figure it out without judgment or pressure, just pure unconditional support and love. Having her there was such a sweet recognition of the process coming full circle. The woman who taught me what it is to be a bat Yisrael, an Ima, who said “Amein” to my first shaky brachot, was there to say Amein when I said “v’tzivanu al ha’tevilah”. SO amazing.

So we had a final beit din meeting in the waiting room. One of them asked me “so what’s special about today?” (it was also rosh chodesh Av). I started talking about spiritual rebirth, etc. etc., and he looks at me... and says “okay... and what about the rest of the world who DON’T know this is happening?!”. HA. OKAY YES 9 DAYS I SEE WHERE YOU ARE GOING WITH THIS I PROMISE!

STILL being asked questions I didn’t immediately know the answer to. And then flipping it and talking about unpainted squares.

The sweet shomeret giving me a tour, showing me where the resevoir was, and explaining how the contraption that would “cover” me while the beit din were in the room would work. The “checking” part was nowhere near as invasive as I thought it would be, and she was so nice and really put me at ease.

The 3 questions once I was in the water (SUCH a comfortable temperature) and the beit din were in place... 1) do you commit to all the mitsvot - the ones you know, don’t know, understand, don’t understand;  2) do you commit to sending any children you may have to orthodox day school (!!!, okay, wow, that’s the ideal and I want to give them an education, absolutely, but this is a bigger conversation, can we maybe have that when I’m dressed?!), and 3) do you renounce all former philosophical beliefs/ideals etc.

Wait they want me to dunk now? THIS IS IT OH MY GOSH. (”Koisher!”) - I was shaking while I said the bracha. The beit din, [sponsoring-rabbi] and [Ima-extraordinaire] all said Amein, then left. I dunked twice more and just kind of stood in the water to take it in for a second. The shomeret said to take all the time I needed.

Got out, felt like my face was on fire, but SO HAPPY and couldn’t stop grinning! [Sponsoring-rabbi] read the paragraph giving me m name, then the beit din had me say shema. I stumbled a litle because of being totally overwhelmed, and plus it’s been a LONG time since I’ve *said* the words of v’ahavta rather than sung it.

One of the stand-in rabbis commented about wishing me hatslacha but that he could tell by my personality that I wouldn’t need it, or something to that effect..!

Went next door to shul where people were hanging out cooking for an event on shabbat and got hugs, said a bracha that OTHER PEOPLE WERE YOTZEI ON, and got more hugs.

At shul that night (kabbalat shabbat), [sponsoring-rabbi] wished me mazal tov again and said that I was “glowing” and had been since getting out of the water. My response? It’s sunburn. :P

I’m sure there’s more and I’ll add to this/add a second post, but wanted to get this up before too much longer.

mentally ill person: *calls doctor* Yes hello doctor i have a problem

Doctor: yes hello patient who i somehow always have time for. pls come down to my office in 10 minutes to discuss this problem

mentally ill person: okey dokey

Doctor: and of course i know u r only a student, so i will give you this doctors visit for a $5 copay!!!! now please, tell me about ur problem. do not worry about time restraints this office exists in a void where the time limits to visits dont apply.

mentally ill person: *is able to describe symptoms accurately, concisely, and perfectly.*

Doctor: You this one diagnosis perfectly without any oddities. here is your magical diagnosis paper. you now have this disease. you did not have it before. here are magic pills that can cure your disease forever!!! am i a psychiatrist or a psychologist? I don't know