Happy pride to those 5 seconds where Charlie Swan thought Jacob was coming out to him in the most insane way possible

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@kokakolover
Happy pride to those 5 seconds where Charlie Swan thought Jacob was coming out to him in the most insane way possible

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Swallowing glass just to stay pure
if you put my name and your name together you get mayonnaise also please don’t swallow glass
He is my princess diana
I’m actually fucking dying
Big Carrie Fisher energy.
SCARY INMATE: welcome to the warriors prison what are you in for?
ME: flowing water, still rock. a sunlit meadow and a gentle breeze
GRUFF INMATE: she's one o' them poets! get 'er, lads!
[I swiftly dispatch them with a flurry of blows]
ME: even a delicate rose has thorns..
EFFETE INMATE: welcome to the poets prison what are you in for?
ME: what's it to ya?
WAIFISH INMATE: she's but a crude warrior! baffle her with poetry!
[I swiftly trounce them with graceful eloquence and beautiful prose]
ME: even a thorny bush has roses...
admire folks who reblog posts which contradict eachother. exactly! keep em guessing

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i have no particular feelings about the kid who shot charlie kirk. like it's not like anyone got radicalized off the back of that killing. it immediately became a gigantic joke. erika kirk started running around rallies doing aerial silks to kid rock songs. candace owens done lost what was left of her damn mind. nick fuentes is basically the same amount of influential he was always going to be. tradcathy at work outed herself as a hardcore antisemite by agreeing with the nick fuentes "charlie kirk was assassinated by the jews" theory. kids on the subway love to sing that we are charlie kirk song like it's the "let's get together and kill barney" of our time. all taken together it just kinda stands as an example of how nihilistic and pointlessly ultraviolent the late american empire became shortly before the fall of the emperor trump
people at my brothers school have started using "kirk" as slang for a bj
oh i mean. oh. bc he got it in the neck......
The Odyssey but retold as a low-stakes modern adventure of one guy out with his girlfriend leaving the bar with his buddies to do just one (1) simple thing real quick, it'll take like 15 minutes tops, he'll be right back, but then some bullshit happens and the trip keeps getting more complicated as more bullshit keeps happening while he just tries to get back to the bar because he promised his girlfriend that he'd get back and he knows that she's still there because she told him she'd wait there.
And by the time he finally gets back it's almost 3 am and the bar is about to close while she's sitting there stone cold sober, surrounded by 5 drunk guys unsuccessfully trying to convince her to give up on waiting for him and go home with one of them instead. And the guy shows up to proceed to beat the shit out of them before explaining himself to her like hey sorry bullshit kept happening, my phone fell into a storm drain and my wallet got stolen when I was trying to find someone who'd borrow me a phone so I could call and
His girlfriend had been fending off the 5 drunk guys for most of the evening by explaining that even if she was going to ditch her boyfriend, she can't possibly leave without finishing her beer, which she is keeping perpetually full via careful sleight of hand where she's just pouring it back and forth into and out of the pitcher.
However the drunk guys are also drinking, and eventually she can't afford to buy another pitcher for the table so she can't keep up the ever-full beer glass trick. At this point she has to resort to setting up the pool trick shot that she's never seen anyone but her boyfriend pull off, and says she'll leave with whoever manages the shot first.
That buys her another hour or so and then, finally, her boyfriend makes it back. He looks like shit, hair down and just a mess, he's wearing an entirely different jacket that he got from an alley, and barely recognizable—especially to 5 guys who've been drunk for hours now. He lurks for a minute, finds out what's going on, and proceeds to pull off the trick shot first try. Throws the jacket off, fixes his hair with a hair tie his girlfriend lends him, finally looks like himself again, and THEN beats the shit out of them with the pool cue.
letd go eat parts of that guys car
WRONG + OFF BY SEVERAL THOUSAND KILOMETRES + KEA ARE ALPINE PARROTS FROM AOTEAROA + LASER KIWI BLAST + SEARCH THINGS UP + LASER KIWI BLAST AGAIN
Ok but like where in Australia would you place a bird like that? Of all the ones you coild get wrong the Kea? The big alpine forest coloured parrot? From all the alpine forests in Australia?
letd go eat parts of that guys car
phone somehow autocorrected "the joker" to "the worker." why so devoid of class consciousness, batman

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Can’t wait to not sleep at all on September 11th
i know ur from the uk(?) but reading this as an american is really really funny
why 😭 it’s about twenty one pilots???? Their new album is out sep 12th????
THERE'S TWENTY ONE THIS TIME???
Years ago back when I worked in cubicle land, we were hiring junior software developers. They didn’t have to have a ton of experience, just a willingness to learn, and some demonstration of their software skills. Like: show me a program you wrote (any language) or a web site you designed. Anything.
And there was this one guy I talked with who seemed super sharp, but had virtually zero experience writing software. When it came time to do the show-n-tell part of the interview he whips out his laptop, brings up a website, and spins it around to show me what he made.
A website of tiny ceramic frogs.
Not for sale. Just… all these ceramic frogs, organized into categories. Frogs on bicycles, frogs with hats, frogs sitting on lily pads. It was a virtual museum of ceramic frogs in web form.
I scrolled through his online collection of frogs, slightly baffled.
“This is your website?” I asked finally.
“Yep!”
“You coded this yourself?” I popped into view-source mode and poked around some incredibly well-formatted, well-commented html. I nodded slowly. This guy was meticulous.
“Yep!”
“So… where’d all the frogs come from?”
“I made those too,” he says, beaming.
And while I’m processing this he rummages in his bag and pulls out a little ceramic frog working at a computer terminal. He places it on the table before us, next to the laptop.
“And THIS one,” he says, “I made for you! As a thank you for the interview.”
It was adorable. I hired him on the spot. I mean, why not? Worst case he’d wash out in 90 days and we’d hire somebody else. He turned out to be one of the best developers on our team.
And yes, his cubicle was loaded with ceramic frogs.
here are some additional requirements I would add to the United States presidency:
you are not eligible for the presidency if you are over the age of 65, if you turn 65 in office, that is fine but you cannot campaign if you are over 65
you cannot be president if you are a felon
you cannot be president if you have a personal net worth over $8 million
you cannot be presidency if you have had to file for bankruptcy in a business venture
you cannot be president if you cannot pass a basic neurological exam
you cannot be president if you have been convicted of or found liable for any sex crime, domestic violence or sexual harassment. unproven allegations are cause for investigation and can result in immediate termination from office if proven.
you cannot be president if you have been divorced more than once
you cannot be president if you never smoked weed out of a soda can in high school
you have to be up to date on all of your shots and forklift certification
straight cis white men are barred from holding executive office, if you’re a cisgender white guy and you want to run for president, you have to kiss another man with tongue for at least 15 minutes on national television and you’re disqualified if you display any sign of disgust
wake up people. big bad wolf breath can’t melt straw beams. the first little pig was an inside job
Swine/11
no there were 3
Evil wizard tasteful pin-up magazine but it's all photos of like, skinny old goths coyly fingering cursed amulets, long-bearded sorcerers doing the 'oopsie' pose as their corrosive destruction spell destroys enough of their own robes to show some skin, naked desiccated lich king positioning his staff of human skulls just so it leaves something to the imagination, dark knights in full armor just holding their soul-eating blades out in front of their codpieces, orc chieftain who did not understand the assignment and is posing with a monster he killed like one of those guys-with-fish photos. Or maybe he DID understand the assignment. Hmm.
@evilwizard are you in that?
i should sell this

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ive been thinking about how some trans spaces and media lack representation of bottom surgery and itd be nice if we could talk about and depict it more. but my attempts to formulate this into a coherent thought lead me to standing in front of the microwave idly thinking "we should normalize men with penises" as if thats a brave new frontier nobody has ever considered.
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