part-time nerd, full-time silly goose.

smash or pass a gentle summer rainstorm

smash to smithereens brother

I don't care how bad life gets i'm not watching Love Island

i literally love saying "ON IT BOSS!!!!!" whenever someone asks me to do something like i'm some sort of henchman. it doesn't matter if they're my boss or not for real even because in the moment they are, and whatever they requested of me i'm on it

Fun how the bystander effect was coined to cover up how cops are bigoted cowards who let a queer person die and stockholm syndrome was coined to cover that the cops handled a hostage situation so badly the hostages trusted their captors more than the cops.

get in loser we’re gonna try again despite it all

I hate when king arthur has all these fussy little steps in the instructions and you're like "no way do these fussy little steps matter" but you try it and they do. they matter so much.

I thought you meant Camelot quests and I was like "that's fair, 'never pick a four leaf clover on the last Wednesday of the month' IS a fussy little step that shouldn't matter" but then I was like "wait isn't that also a flour company"

nooo I am not a beleaguered knight of the round table I am making elaborate focaccia 😭

That is a fucking awesome site everyone should visit. Don't skip the Hall of Shame.

I cannot stop laughing at the idea that socialism ignores humanity’s highest spiritual ideal: owning yachts.

“what is the target audience of this post” what?????? does your diary have a target audience

This is kinda ominous ngl

Gotta compliment him on his reflexes. No hesitation. Just described exactly what he was seeing, regardless of what it was.

[VD: A weatherman is giving a report and pointing to a map, saying "feel like temperatures really take a tumble too, because after the storm-" before he is interrupted by the screen going black and then displaying a picture of some baby spinach. He says, "um," then immediately points to the screen and confidently announces, "this is baby spinach." /End VD]

let's reintroduce "rude" to the lexicon no that person is not evil or morally bankrupt or even your enemy they're just being rude

hey its me your immune system. looks like we caught somethin here. try sneezing real fast see if that gets rid of it. yeah no dice, huh... alright lemme try filling your lungs with fluid. no yeah i do it all the time dont worry works like a charm. hmmm... still no good... alright well just hold tight here for a minute maybe it just needs time to start working. in the mean time ill go fire up the ol' neuron cooker n see if that helps

HEY its me again. false alarm turns out it was just like pollen or somethin haha sorry i can be a little jumpy is all. ...hey man youre not lookin so good are you okay?

Obligatory truck I don’t trust reblog

i’m going to be really honest with you guys i think the tendency to read the absolute worst possible intentions into every action you don’t agree with is getting too automatic and it’s eating you from the inside out