Escaping the Binary: Gender Performativity, Sex, and What it Means to be Something Else in Shuzo Oshimi’s Welcome Back Alice
“Whenever feminists attack men’s latent misogyny,
I feel a pain as if I’m being ripped apart.
Because it threatens to expose my crime of trying to be male.
It confronts me with my crime of hurting the girl inside me.”
Welcome Back, Alice by Shuzo Oshimi is a manga series published from 2020 to 2023 in Bessatsu Shonen Magazine. Shuzo Oshimi as an author tends towards the genre of horror having written other notable works such as Happiness, The Flowers of Evil, and Blood on the Tracks. Most notably much of his works focus on body horror, something which translated very neatly to the subject matter of Welcome Back, Alice, a story about gender and sexuality. There are three main characters between Yohei Kamekawa, Yui Mitani and Kei Murota.
Looking firstly at the meta context of the manga industry, it’s notable that this series was published in a well known shonen magazine, one that’s a spin-off of the flagship Weekly Shonen Magazine. Shonen in this case refers to a genre, translating more or less into “young boy”; it's a genre that aims at that demographic. Bessatsu is a magazine that’s published very well known traditional kinds of shonen manga, with more adherence to gender norms, like Attack on Titan, yet the inclusion of a series like Welcome Back, Alice is a very clear and interesting diversion from that tradition. On the one hand, in the article Transnational Transformations: A Gender Analysis of Japanese Manga Featuring Unexpected Bodily Transformations, June Madeley says, “In manga the fluidity of gender portrayals provides an opportunity for female readers to engage in the type of visual fantasy long associated with male media consumers.” (Madeley 804) placing that trend within certain kinds of manga as something appealing more to young women, rather than Shuzo Oshimi’s audience within Bessatsu Shonen. On the other hand, “given that genre in manga is traditionally determined by gendered readerships, one may expect that authors change how characters are described based upon who might be reading them; this gendered vision of characters is further deepened by the fact that most authors write for audiences of their own gender.” (Unser-Shultz 229) is something highlighted in Giancarla Unser Shultz’s study Influential or influenced? The Relationship Between Genre, Gender and Language in Manga. This series is particularly unique as it fits into many categories used to genrefy, ironically escaping the limitations of gendered genre by having Kei’s “unexpected transformation” of gender fluidity coupled with a main plotline of a heterosexual relationship, though there are sexual encounters between two AMAB individuals.
To briefly summarize the plot, these three are childhood friends who’ve all reunited in highschool. Kei moved away early in junior high and when they return it’s wearing a girl’s school uniform. Upon the class introductions, they state that they are “done with being a guy.” (Oshimi 89 vol 1) From here, a complicated and messy love triangle (love meaning different things to each character) forms between the main three with Yo in love with Yui in love with Kei in love with Yo, however the core of each character’s feelings are broken down into representations of the authors own personal history with body image, porn addiction, and sex that he details in the afterword of each volume. This is in some ways the point of Welcome Back, Alice. In the afterword of volume 1, Shuzo Oshimi says “Then the task is to examine, confront, and deconstruct one’s sex drive and masculinity. I hope to make some headway on that in the course of this work.” (Oshimi 187 vol 1)
The first chapter shows the three of them together in middle school, playing tennis during PE. This chapter does a lot to establish the way each character fits into their own gender’s performance in a way that’s very important to understanding the rest of the narrative. Yo, from whom’s perspective the story is for the most part told, is more meek, wearing big circle glasses that, when paired with his ill-cut hair and struggle in practicing sports, he’s established as having difficulty at properly “being a boy.” Conversely, we are introduced to Kei, who at this point still adopts a masculine outward presentation. They have more handsome features, sociability, success in sports, and the interest of girls that establishes them as being very successful in the masculine performance. Yui, for her part, is not given quite as much attention yet as she’s the target of Yo’s unrequited love, for now just being a distant subject of Yo’s affection. On the way home from school Kei asks Yo if he likes anyone. He responds by being cagey and when he refuses to answer, Kei asks whether or not he’s masturbated. This moment is another one that establishes the direction of the narrative, and introduces the issue of sexuality to the story. They talk about it and Kei gives Yo instructions on how to do it “properly”, in a way telling him how to better be a man. That night, Yo masturbates the way Kei told him to and thinks of Yui. And again the next night, where he does it to the point of being overcome with lethargy and exhaustion at school the day after. During PE, Yo wanders the field looking for Kei. He finds them with Yui, behind the gymnasium, where he overhears Yui confessing her feelings to Kei. Kei asks if they “can see how they feel” and kisses her, but catches sight of Yo while they do. Kei’s expression becomes one of almost melancholy as Yo runs home. He masturbates again that night, his fantastical version of Yui now being dominated by Kei who at this point, to Yo, is the better man. For the rest of the chapter, Yo finds himself completely unable to speak to either of them. Soon after, Kei leaves due to their father’s work. Yo doesn’t speak to Yui for the rest of junior high. Time skips past this period and we see these three characters as they enter the same highschool together. Yo’s at this point is trying to build himself up to talk to Yui again, and the last page of the first chapter is of a mysterious person in a girl’s uniform with long, blonde hair.
Something that is important to note at this point regarding Kei is that they are not a trans character. A major theme throughout the series is the overcoming of limitations imposed by gender normativity, not just in love and sex but in a spiritual, intrinsic way as well. Kei’s feminine presentation isn't an expression of womanhood or a social transition that it might be had they been a trans character, but instead something they describe as “borrowing the body of a girl.” and “being done being a guy.” They explicitly say in chapter 4 that “I said I’m done being a guy, but that doesn’t mean I want to be a girl.” (Oshimi 143 vol 1) Of course, Kei’s character is significantly colored by gender and bodily dysphoria and is in many ways relevant to the trans experience. Still, one of the largest questions being raised by this series is “what is there after gender?” This is another thing Kei brings up in chapter 9, saying to Yo “I gave up being a guy and then I wondered where to go next, and this is what I chose. But I still don’t know where I should go from here?” (Oshimi 101-102 vol 2)
In the article Is There Sex after Gender? Ungendering/"The Unnameable, Judith Roof describes the position we’re culturally in now with the gender binary, “But we have not yet been able either to define or to deploy a non-binary notion of gender… …Perhaps such a non-binary concept exists as the imaginary limit against which binary gender operates.” (Roof 62) This is very reminiscent of the outward presentation that Kei adopts upon their return, dressed in a girl’s uniform with long hair accentuating their naturally “feminine” prettiness, something that beforehand was seen as cool and handsome when paired with a more masculine presentation. Kei finds themselves at a point of wanting to escape the societal structures around gender, saying so explicitly in chapter 3, “ “A guy’s supposed to be like this.” “This is how guys are.” People say things like that. But none of it worked for me.” (Oshimi 108 vol 1) the choice of the word “worked” is interesting considering how in chapter 1 when we see the three of these characters in middle school, Kei is displayed to be very capable in the “masculine performance” as they perform well in sports, is sociable, handsome and popular with girls. This is contrasted by the meek, dorkily bespectacled Yo practicing on his own. However, it is important to note that any word choices in the English translation are the decisions of the translators, and thus less representative of the author's original intent.
Upon entering highschool, again going to the same school as Yui, Yo resolves that now, he’s going to date her and by doing so, overcome his weakness saying, “I’m gonna date Yui Mitani! If I don’t, I feel like I’ll be hopeless for the rest of my life” (Oshimi 63/64 vol 1) This does eventually come to pass as Yui’s feelings for Kei that she learned were unrequited in middle school (Kei kissed her to learn if they would “feel” anything, and rejects her advances after deciding they didn’t) and further complicated by Kei’s new feminine presentation. Kei’s appearance also complicates Yo’s feelings, given their attractiveness coupled with their tendency towards sexual conversations (the first interaction between the two in highschool is Kei asking Yo if he’s been masturbating). Yui realizes Kei feels a kind of love for Yo (one different from hers, as they put it, “I don’t like your concept of love. It’s incredibly narrow and shallow.” (Oshimi 147 vol 2) The different kinds of love are important to highlight. Yo’s love for Yui comes from a place of lust and desire, informed by his experiencing puberty and the expressions of his developing sexuality are targeted towards the girl he grew up with and thus is already close to. Yui’s love for Kei is similar in many ways, she’s characterized by being successful in the performance of her gender role and is shown having always had feelings for the handsome / pretty and aloof Kei. Kei’s feelings for Yo are the most complex and are what really ask the question of what does “love” look like that isn’t bound by gendered expectations. Kei describes “using” sex and a “girl’s body” as a means to get closer to Yo with the intention of escaping the binary limitations. For them, it comes from a place of their bonding as children. On the playground, Kei is shown by themself staring at their hands and questioning why they must exist within their body. Yo asks about it, and offers to trade bodies. It’s the sort of small, innocent interaction between children that can be expected, but it’s something that comes up majorly in the ending. The difference between them really is colored by the expectations each character has for themselves that stem from their gender, Yo wants to date Yui so he can become a man, Yui wants to be with Kei so she can succeed as a woman, but Kei wants to be with Yo because they believe that the two of them, together, will be able to escape the binary.
On that note, one of the main focuses of the author is that idea of the performance of masculinity in particular and what it means to be a man. This is seen in the narrative of Kei who felt a desire to separate themselves from the expectations placed upon them for being a guy, and further displayed by Yo and his relationship with Yui. In the very beginning of the story, Yo witnesses Kei and Yui kissing. This shatters what confidence he had seeing his best friend “stealing” his unrequited love, and in that way emasculating him. This breeds a deep insecurity that causes him to stop talking to both of them completely, though Kei soon after transfers schools due to their fathers work. Additionally in this first chapter, Kei tells Yo how to properly masturbate, something which leads him to his first ejaculation, and then further as he stays up very late one night pleasuring himself. These moments are characterized by very serene and bright panels of his fantasy’s, his mental version of Yui, and followed by panels of blank ink with a sludge-like white liquid draping the darkness after he ejaculates. This represents something Oshimi describes in the afterword of volume 5, “As I masturbated, I forgot who was masturbating. But when I ejaculated, I was yanked back to reality, trapped once again on the boat of “maleness” I could never escape.” After seeing Yui and Kei, Yo’s fantastical version of Yui changes, now featuring Kei together with her and dominating her sexually, something which Yo still masturbates to. This is in many ways a failure of the masculine ideal, by submitting to the insecurities born in him and taking pleasure in this “cucking” fantasy. This idea is very reflective is something highlighted in Zoë Peterson’s Beyond Sexual Victimization and Perpetration: Men, Masculinities, and Unwanted Consensual Sex, where she says, “As described in the traditional sexual script, men’s roles in heterosex are to actively initiate, pursue, and seduce, consistent with the expectation that men should always want and desire sex.” (Peterson 409/410)
This relationship between Yo and Yui leads to one of the most important elements of Welcome Back, Alice. Yui invites Yo to her home soon after the two start dating, something which comes to pass after Yo is encouraged to confess to her by Kei, with the explicit pretext of having sex. In this first sexual interaction between the two, Yo can’t get it up. This leaves him feeling shamed, like he was unable to perform as a man, and Yui similarly shamed like she was “unattractive” and in that way unable to perform as a woman. The gendered nature of sexual performance is something that both of these characters grapple with throughout this period of their relationship, as Yui then does significant “research” into pornography and “how to please a man.” She again invites Yo into her home with sex as a pretext, his shame overpowered by sexual desire. Following this, Yui becomes increasingly like the fantasy version of her Yo has been conceptualizing since middle school, something Yo thinks to himself during a sexual encounter with, “It’s like porn. It’s like the Mitani of my fantasies.” (Oshimi 164 vol 5) This scene is the first time Yo has heterosexual sex. At the end of this as the two embrace, both of their expressions are shown and Yo appears almost shell shocked, where Yui is completely expressionless. As Yo walks home, he finds himself feeling similarly empty. He thinks, “I did it with Mitani. I fucking did it. I went inside her, and I came. I did it. Sex. So why do I feel like shit?” (Oshimi 178/179 vol 5) This is a completely different emotional response to the sex he’s at this point had twice with Kei, the kind of sex that in a heteronormative society wouldn’t even be called that for the lack of “penetration.” One such moment, by no coincidence, takes place in the shower. This is a really important moment as it comes after the “failed” sexual encounter between Yo and Yui, a moment characterized by the intense shame and guilt of that failure, a failure in “being a man” for Yo. The sex he and Kei have after this is euphoric, cleansing, displayed in the heavenly panels of the open ocean where even after climaxing, there isn’t a miserable return to reality that comes after the masturbation or sex with Yui.
The relationship between shame, guilt, and sexuality is another major aspect of Welcome Back, Alice. Particularly, the ways in which the conditioned desire for sex is juxtaposed to the shame and guilt that’s born out of masturbation and “failed” sexual encounters. This is especially present in all the afterwords where Shuzo Oshimi describes the way his self-image was detrimentally affected by porn addiction in his youth and struggle to sexually perform for partners in adulthood. He describes how “men are assumed to have sex drive. If they don’t they’re seen as strange… … no one’s said that to me. But the “man” inside me has. “You are a failure as a man.”” (Oshimi 186 vol 1) On the next page, he draws a picture of a small, kneeling, shivering, sheepish man with greasy hair and says it’s a picture of him he can’t get out of his. In the afterword of volume 3, he describes how this disgust masturbation caused him to see in himself was coupled with the body changes of puberty, his hair becoming oily and skin littered with pimples. At the end of volume 4, he talks about how his mental image of himself changes, starting as hairless, innocent in many ways, and his body grows hairier, greasy, sticky, blighted with pimples and black marks (Oshimi 189). He describes further at the end of volume 5, “I wanted to go back to a time before “being male” got forced on me… …So once I got the change to have sex with a woman in reality, I forgot all about it and only cared about how I appeared: “As a man, as a male, I need to bring this sex to its proper conclusion.”” (Oshimi vol 6) In Marilyn Gottschall’s The Ethical Implications of the Deconstruction of Gender, she describes how “what we think of as gender identity, our sense of being masculine or feminine, is just as easily understood as a set of learned meanings that get lodged in our personal and cultural histories and are played out by us as “real” as we attempt to be men or women.” (Gottschall 288) This idea of gender’s performance is it relates to sex and the all-encompassing damage it results in is highlighted in nearly every aspect of Welcome Back Alice.
In the first chapter of volume 6 called “Such a Boy” Yo waits for Yui so they can meet up for a date. He remembers what she told him after their last meeting that he can’t masturbate until they meet again, how she’d “know right away. I can tell by your smell.” (Oshimi 7 vol 6) with the promise of sex if he succeeds. Before Yui, Kei and Ano run into him. After Ano goes on, Yui arrives to Yo and Kei. She takes this opportunity, teasing Yo by poking his nipples and grabbing at his crotch, and in response to his blushing and sexually frustrated anguish proclaims, “Such a boy!” (Oshimi 29 vol 6). In the following chapter titled “Manifestation” Kei reflects on this with Ano saying, “Mitani needs a boy. So that she can be a girl… … I wanted to get out. I thought that with Yo I could do it but I was just projecting my own desires on him, borrowing the form of a girl, and using sex… … I’m so ugly.” (Oshimi 52-54 vol 6) This moment is very essentially important to another aspect Shuzo Oshimi describes of his own experience with performing masculinity in the context of sex. He describes an ideal version of himself that was the form of a girl, a self that would in the process of performing a dominant and masculine sex, “got gored, wounded, and spattered with blood.” (Oshimi vol 5) The result of Yo’s sexual frustration causing such torment for Kei is a very clear demonstration of this idea Oshimi highlights, the inevitable destructiveness of not just the masculine performance of sexuality, but the gendered performance of sexuality. As much as Yo is constricted by his own desire, Yui is as much wound up and binded by her need for validation that’s been caught up by her emotional stress, something which results in her, in many ways, abusive treatment of Yo. After this, Yo then has sex until that point not performed by him, the sort of dominant, commanding sex Oshimi described all the way back in volume 1, the kind he idolized in porn stars at a young age.
The climax of the story is when Yo hits his breaking point, where he tries to cut off his penis with a box cutter. In the hospital, confronted by Kei, he describes “trying to destroy it all” and how he wanted to go where Kei was (Oshimi 174 - 179 vol 6). Beyond the gender binary. This is followed by another afterword where Oshimi talks about the girl he once envisioned within himself. He says, “I’m the one who created the boundary. It wasn’t there. All borders are illusions. “The other side”” in reference to the something beyond gender he’s envisioning, “isn’t far away, but right here with me. All I need to do now is erase the line.” (Oshimi 189 vol 6) In the last volume, Yo cut’s Kei’s hair and they bond physically. This bonding is not literally drawn, but instead marked by ethereal panels of white, wispy tendrils intertwining intermixed with brief dialogue. It shows their having sex much earlier in the story, their innocent bond as children, even the spiritual connection they shared, and placed alongside a desire to “go further than that.” (Oshimi 77 - 92). “To go further” is specifically interesting for placing the sex not as something negative like many elements of the story and afterwords might, but instead merely as something “not far enough.” The connection sex creates on its own isn’t just not enough but directly inhibits real bonds to form outside of the performance of self that the gender binary requires. In the end, the metaphysical bond ends, and they come back down to reality in Kei’s apartment, empty except for the two of them and one of them says “Welcome back”, the dialogue on its own in a white panel. In the last afterword, Oshimi describes how he’s “still not done with being a man, nor with sex. Nor have I been able to get rid of my discomfort with myself… … I want to say again and again, “I’m home,” and tell myself, “Welcome back.” I think that’s the best I can do.” Oshimi 174 vol 7)
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