Dripping with Need

I don't care who you're telling to kill themselves. Firstly, I don't actually think that's okay to say to anyone, and second, they are not the only one who will see it. It doesn't matter who it was addressed to - it still feels like it was addressed to me.

I have chronic suicidality. At any given moment, if you ask me, "Do you want to die?" the answer will be yes. But most of the time I'm not actively thinking about it. Most of the time, I'm distracted. Coming across "kys" is like being asked if I want to die. It reminds me that the answer is yes.

People with chronic or recurrent suicidal thoughts do our best to avoid ruminating on thoughts of suicide. We do our best to avoid things that might trigger a spiral of intensified suicidal ideation.

Every time you tell someone to kill themself, you remind everyone with suicidal thoughts that suicide is an option - and in doing so, you make it more likely that they will take that option.

This is probably the only post I will ever actually ask people to reblog. This is because it's the only post I've ever made with the specific, active intention of changing how people behave. I want people to see this, because I hope it will make some of them reconsider their actions. I hope that in some small way, I can make a dent in an online culture that forces every suicidal person into a constant game of Russian roulette.

Me: that wringing technique is really clever. I've got to try that with my sheets

Me: WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS IT BLUE?!?

Someone innocently said to me “I find it hard to believe women like to be treated that way.. but if you enjoy it.... to each their own”

Now there are a million and one posts from submissives floating around about different scenarios. Amazing accounts of overcoming body issues and how their Dom is right there with them through that. Account after account of overcoming abuse. Posts about how so many different milestones are accomplished with the help from the discipline of their the Dom.

But I want to talk about me for a moment. And what I like. I’m not sure if it was the shibari or the post about choking on his cock that make him think I was treated in a way that prompted his statement.

When I kneel at his feet the world just fades away. My worries disappear. The chaos slowly vanishes. My world tunnels and my focus is on the one man who cherishes me in every way possible. This man that places me on a pedestal. That loves me. Tells me how beautiful I am over and over. This man that shows me in every way he can that he is deserving of my devotion.

This man does not force anything from me. Even when he grabs my hair, pins me down, and ties me up. There is no “force”. Would it appear that way from an untrained eye? Sure it could. But this man would NEVER hurt me by forcing me. He would NEVER betray that trust. He would NEVER take advantage of me in any vulnerable position for a multitude of reasons. One bc he wants to do it again. Two bc he loves me. Three bc he respects me. Four bc he’s worked too hard to ruin that. Five bc he doesn’t have to. (I’m sure I haven’t listed 6-1000 but you get my drift). I choke on his cock bc it turns me on. I want to please him. I take immense pleasure in looking in the mirror and seeing my makeup all down my face and knowing that I got that cock down my throat and I made my Dom feel good. He takes pleasure in knowing I want to do that for him. He does not make me. There is no harsh treatment. As a matter of fact it’s beautiful. Bc he’s groaning all kinds of hot sexy things when he can form a sentence- but always, ALWAYS, he’s stroking my forehead or cheek and praising me.

He makes rules for my safety and my peace of mind. The more I thrive the happier he is. I’m not always happy with my rules but I’m always happy he enforces them.

D/s is a beautiful and rewarding way to live. The fluid movement of give and take is mesmerizing and requisite. Each day is a gift. Each day is earned. Each day meets a need so deep in my soul I can’t adequately explain it.