Be The Gay You Want to See in the World

and in the one hand, did i enjoy spending hours researching housing regulations in my state? not especially. drafting this email was stressful. but on the other hand, did i learn a lot by doing that research? yeah, i did. i’m more prepared for my current and future leases. i used some of that info to make decisions about a new renter’s insurance policy. i already told three different people about things i learned that are relevant to their leases that they didn’t know yet. (pro tip: see if you’re supposed to be getting annual interest payments on your security deposit! also look up what specific appliances your landlords must legally provide as of 2026.) i also got to reconnect with my cousin for a bit because her job gave her specific insight on part of the situation, and i’d much rather do that than have a chatbot make shit up for me.

also, i drafted that email with the power of friendship (friends angry on our behalf) and spite (from landlords telling me not to do my research). chatgpt could never.

Comet at Dunstanburgh Castle

Except...it's not exactly the same, is it? She who always had to be under surveillance has been left quietly alone in her room. Her space is being respected, they're trying (somewhat) to call her by her real name.

Because the clan has been through quite a year as well. Even when Valancy didn't have her identity as Mrs Redfern to back her up:

They've had to start considering her moods and feelings ("It was so important that Valancy should be kept in good humour, if possible, until it was over. Mrs. Frederick did not reflect that this was the first time in her life that she had thought it necessary to consider Valancy’s humours.")

They've heard Valancy say what she thinks of them

They've had to (already) start respecting her space ("She had moved her bed in her room to the opposite corner. She had read Magic of Wings Sunday afternoon. When Cousin Stickles had rebuked her Valancy had said indifferently, “Oh, I forgot it was Sunday”—and had gone on reading it.")

They've realized that - without using force, which would cause a scandal - they can't force her to do something she doesn't want to do ("Uncle Benjamin found he had reckoned without his host when he promised so airily to take Valancy to a doctor. Valancy would not go.")

They've seen how competent she can be when she gets a chance

They've seen her inspire a respectable proposal

They've seen her look stylish and youthful

Her rosebush has bloomed, and has buds again

She's no longer an old maid - she's become a married woman and will be either a separated one or a divorcee

Except...it's not exactly the same, is it? She who always had to be under surveillance has been left quietly alone in her room. Her space is being respected, they're trying (somewhat) to call her by her real name.

Unfortunately, it doesn't narrow down the timeline. Our understanding of "flapper" is not as black and white as reality. According to Wikipedia the term goes back to 1631 when "flap" meant a young prostitute, and in the 1890s in some localities "flapper" was used for both "a very young prosititute" and any "lively mid-teenaged girl." More from the article:

"Then she thought of him inescapably. She ached for him. She wanted his arms around her—his face against hers—his whispers in her ear. She recalled all his friendly looks and quips and jests—his little compliments—his caresses."

Girl... this is the man who you're still 100% convinced does not love you and is solely motivated by pity? I'm losing my mind, and I think Valancy has already lost hers a while ago. Such a shame that Cissy had to die – I think Valancy could really use a bestie to tell her that she's being insane.

~

Valancy wants to remember everything, but she has forgotten something already: Barney's eyes were violet when we last gazed into them, but in Valancy's recollection, they're dark blue. Not to mention how they started out brown and will soon go black!

I think the likeliest explanation is that during his outdoor wanderings, Barney has encountered a fairy that has enchanted his eyes with a magical mood ring spell. Black is anger, but which moods might the other colours signify..?

~

"Redfern had not said anything of the kind, but Uncle Benjamin thought he was that sort of a fellow. Valancy knew he was. She understood that she might as well go down first as last."

Does this mean... is Uncle Benjamin, of all people, the Cupid that gives our lovers the final push they need to reach their happily ever after? Amor works in mysterious ways!

~

Three short points about Barney's backstory:

Valancy has regained her health, but in general, this book has not been kind to young women: Cissy's mom, Cissy herself, and Barney's mom have all died decades before their time.

The story of Barney's one friend feels more painful to me than his failed romance with Ethel Traverse. The fact he doesn't even say his name makes it feel like it still hurts him to remember. "Said a good idea was worth more to him than a friend, any time." Ouch. And for a college magazine?? Man. If you're going to betray a friend, at least make it count and squeeze a regular column in a large newspaper or something else actually worthwhile out of it!!

This book clearly exists on its own timeline where certain historical events did not take place... but maybe, in the realm of fanfiction and speculation, a scenario could exist where Barney actually disappeared into Yukon for years to evade the WWI draft.

~

"It’s always been a hard thing for me to tell things, Valancy—anything that went deep. And most things went deep with me."

I feel you, Barney.

I do believe that some of us get a bigger spoonful of the "knows how and when to put their feelings into words" kinda incredient poured into our baking mix than others while we're being made, but that's only the beginning of it – you need practice, too. With his history of bullying and false friends, it's no wonder telling things doesn't come easily to Barney. Wonder if, before Valancy, he has ever had a chance to truly open his heart to someone without it backfiring on him somehow?

Once he gets going, though, he's not too bad at it. Maybe writing all that so-purple-it-approaches-ultraviolet nature prose has taught him a thing or two about putting things into words... I'd say it's mainly the "go into the forest to buffer for an entire day" part that that he needs to work on, going forward.

And then Valancy just keeps insisting she can't believe he cares for her?? These two!! They're truly perfect for each other: one finds it hard to tell things, while the other has an even harder time understanding what she's being told. It's wild.

~

"Girl, you’re in the very core of my heart."

This is such a beautiful way of putting it, and I love the callback to their promise to never lie to each other – even though, momentarily, even that is not enough for Valancy! But all's well that ends well. Love wins!

He would send for his lawyer right away and alter his will again.

I love that word "again" - making it clear that Uncle Benjamin had altered it recently, cutting Valancy out of his will once she left the family / married Barney / had the audacity to shop at his store with her husband / whatever the final straw was for him. And the funny thing about that is that I imagine Uncle Benjamin's original will left Valancy such a pittance that it probably cost him more in legal fees to cut her out than he would have gotten back from the process.

*The Blue Castle Spoilers*

“But—” hesitated Mrs. Frederick, “he—he—they told terrible tales about him.” “All gossip and invention—all gossip and invention. It’s always been a mystery to me why people should be so ready to invent and circulate slanders about other people they know absolutely nothing about. I can’t understand why you paid so much attention to gossip and surmise. Just because he didn’t choose to mix up with everybody, people resented it. I was surprised to find what a decent fellow he seemed to be that time he came into the store with Valancy. I discounted all the yarns then and there.”

All Meryton seemed striving to blacken the man who, but three months before, had been almost an angel of light. He was declared to be in debt to every tradesman in the place, and his intrigues, all honoured with the title of seduction, had been extended into every tradesman’s family. Everybody declared that he was the wickedest young man in the world; and everybody began to find out that they had always distrusted the appearance of his goodness.

I shared this during the first book club, and (probably, don't remember) once or twice afterwards, and I am sharing this again, bc I will never stop sharing it.

Baggage Reclaim has helped me a lot and this is my favourite episode of the podcast (it's both a podcast and a blog, I listen to the podcast more than I read the blog, and I've listened to this episode more times than I can count). It's a deleted chapter from Natalie's book The Joy of Saying No.

Originally titled Gone Girl, Tiger Woods, and the Dark Side of People Pleasing, I break down how people pleasing results in us sometimes behaving uncharacteristically. To escape the chains of the roles we play and trying to keep up with our and other people’s often unrealistic expectations and projections, we might act out behind the scenes, go rogue on the version of ourselves that people have come to expect from us, lash out, or experience the toll of the chronic stress of our people-pleasing habit. Please note that while most of this chapter didn’t make it into the book, some elements did, of course, make it in.

This is basically the description of Valancy's arc. The narrative even addresses people pleasing: I have been pleasing other people all my life and failed, from now on I will please myself. Valancy did get sick from living her life this way--it was not fatal, but she was ill, and let's not forget that she got sick every winter, until that winter with Barney, when she didn't get sick. LMM couldn't have had the correct medical knowledge but that part of the story is not off. Stress increases cortisol, and long term exposure will take a toll on your health. I thought some of you book club members might find it interesting. (Actually, when it comes to chronic illness--Cousin Gladys with her 'neuritis', Stickles always suffering from something.)

I re-listened to it yesterday again and, with all the mentions of being the 'perfect' son/daughter, my mind kept going to Olive. It's why I think she should have her own villain arc too. (Can you imagine her pulling off a Gone Girl?)

I love how Barney is clearly Not Okay in this opening - a strange man (hatless!) in a dreadful car, ringing a bell vehemently. It's another moment when the narration pans away to a new angle. This isn't Barney, yet, this is just "a man" - a wild, distracted man - like he's lost his personhood in his drive to get Valancy back.

Uncle Benjamin. That fucker. I don't even know if I like him or hate him at this point. Like, as a personhe is definitely not someone I would want to have dinner with, but as a character? He's somehow completely right about everything is the wrongest way possible. "Tell her he says he won't go away until he's seen her." Uncle Benjamin would say that in a self-important way, but Barney would say that in an obsessed way. And who knows if he would actually have said it if not for Benjamin? (and then he drops another stupid misogynistic joke because Uncle Benjamin).

"You've been lying awake at three o'clock too long, that's all that's the matter with you." First of all, how dare you call me out like that, second of all, spoken like someone who knows.

I don't think that Barney needed to be Redfern's son specifically, but I do think it's important to have his backstory as "sad son of millionaire." And having Redfern's be a household name in the book (at least in Deerwood) does make the revelation have more of an impact than, say, Barney's dad showing up as some random timber baron from Montreal. I do stand by my idea that it would have been better to make him the son of John Foster (which would have made the timeline of his book publications a little different, but is probably doable).

Anyway, Barney was absolutely bisexually in love with his college friend.

"You made me believe again in the reality of friendship and love" I am going feral over this line, how he loves her but also they are friends!! "The very core of my heart" blah blah don't care. This is the line that makes me care about them.

You know, we've talked about Valancy's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, but Barney is also having A Day of it. Realizing he's in love with a woman who is going to die soon and then finding out she's probably not going to die but she left him and then having to talk to his dad on top of it?

Barney: ~pours out his entire heart to Valancy~ Valancy: yeah but u don't rly mean it do u Barney: for fuck's sake! Valancy: ...oh shit fr? <3

It makes sense, though. The Stirlings don't get angry at Valancy. Disappointed, shocked, dismissive, but never angry. And seeing that someone cares enough to get angry at her - about her - is what convinces her.