You show a cat something and they're like sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff ooooh I understand now. Don't care

a dude came into the library stoned out of his mind and was like, “do I need a library card to look at books?” And I said, “to take books home, yes. To look at them, no” and he looked so relieved. bro was staring at a fish encyclopedia for like an hour and then just left.

The worst thing in the entire world is when you’re sweeping a big pile of dirt into a dustpan and it leaves that little coke line of grit behind. No matter how you position your pan or your broom and no matter how many times you sweep over it your outcome cannot change. As immovable as fate. I hate it so

People who switch pronouns in songs to no-homo the situation are so funny. The idea literally never even occurred to me as a kid. Couldn’t be me. I am a woman scorned. I am a man who had his heart broken. I am a guy who hates his hometown. I’m a country boy, I’m a city girl. I’m a slut. I’m addicted to cocaine. It’s a song, man.

HEARTBREAKING: Poor girl has to get out of the soft warm bed even though she is so so so so comfy

HEARTWARMING: Since it is night, girl finally gets to crawl back underneath the covers and be so so so so comfy

HEARTWRENCHING: Morning has come again, poor girl suspects she might be stuck in a Sisyphean curse

i want to be a vampire so bad. it would open up a whole new world of procrastination. puts off finishing a novel for 100 years. i don’t do the dishes for 20. oh wait i don’t have dishes because i suck blood. another fucking win

girl help they are making me do my job at work

having used tumblr as a teenager is a vaccination against using tiktok today

why does my caladium act like she is starving for light. hang on

It is our duty to spiritualize the periodic table

You. You get me.