What. I don't even

Absolute beginner adult ballet series (fabulous beginning teacher)

40 piano lessons for beginners (some of the best explanations for piano I’ve ever seen)

Excellent basic crochet video series

Basic knitting (probably the best how to knit video out there)

Pre-Free Figure Skate Levels A-D guides and practice activities (each video builds up with exercises to the actual moves!)

How to draw character faces video (very funny, surprisingly instructive?)

Another drawing character faces video

Literally my favorite art pose hack

Tutorial of how to make a whole ass Stardew Valley esque farming game in Gamemaker Studios 2??

Introduction to flying small aircrafts

French/Dutch/Fishtail braiding

Playing the guitar for beginners (well paced and excellent instructor)

Playing the violin for beginners (really good practical tips mixed in)

Color theory in digital art (not of the children’s hospital variety)

Retake classes you hated but now there’s zero stakes:

Calculus 1 (full semester class)

Learn basic statistics (free textbook)

Introduction to college physics (free textbook)

Introduction to accounting (free textbook)

Learn a language:

Ancient Greek

Latin

Spanish

German

Japanese (grammar guide) (for dummies)

French

Cooking with flavor bootcamp (used what I learned in this a LOT this year)

Beekeeping 101

Learn Interior Design from the British Academy of Interior Design (free to audit course - just choose the free option when you register)

Video on learning to read music that actually helped me??

How to use and sew with a sewing machine

How to ride a bike (listen. some of us never learned, and that's okay.)

How to cornrow-braid hair (I have it on good authority that this video is a godsend for doing your baby niece's black hair)

Making mead at home (I actually did this last summer and it was SO good)

How to garden

Basics of snowboarding (proceed with caution)

How to draw for people who (think they) suck at art (I know this website looks like a 2003 monstrosity, but the tutorials are excellent)

Pixel art for beginners so you can make the next great indie game

Go (back) to school

Introduction to Astronomy (high school course - free textbook w/ practice problems)

Principals of Economics (high school course - free textbook w/ practice problems)

Introduction to philosophy (free college course)

Computer science basics (full-semester Harvard course free online)

Learn a language

Japanese for Dummies (link fix from 2022)

Ukrainian

Portuguese (Brazil)

American Sign Language (as somebody who works with Deaf people professionally, I also strongly advise you to read up on Deaf/HoH culture and history!)

Chinese (Simplified)

The saga of “Link eating things he shouldn’t” continues!

Both options are great.

Because the thing is, when bigots pick fights, they are 100% counting on you to get louder than them. Or meaner. They want you to react emotionally and provide fodder for their 'You're Too Emotionally Immature To Understand' cannon.

What they aren't expecting you to do is say one of the following phrases in a polite, concerned tone:

Are you okay?

That's not the kind of language I was raised to use with others.

Do you need a moment to think on why that wasn't acceptable?

This is no way to engage in intelligent conversation. Please try that again in a kinder tone if you'd like this to continue. (I really like this one because it lets you turn their public-shame rhetoric around)

For those of you who'd are spiteful and/or dealing with Fundamentalists/Evangelicals/generally shitty Christians:

What's happening in your life to cause you this much anger? I can't imagine hurting so badly that I need to hurt other people.

Who taught you it was acceptable to treat other people this way? Certainly not the Jesus I remember.

Whatever happened to 'judge not lest ye be judged'?

If I talked like that in front of my parents or grandparents I would be ashamed.

I think there's something you need to pray on before we try and have this conversation.

And my all time favorite:

"It sounds to me like there are some seriously dark and angry forces at work in your heart."

(Nothing stops a Christian bigot in their tracks faster than implying the Devil is causing their bigotry. But you MUST be calm, polite, and gentle with your tone and wording. It is absolutely fair to twist the rules and play them at their own game, but you gotta play hard.)

Truth is, it reads more like "she can do everything" and "him, it's just Ken"

And "ken" is a word from a slang language system where you switch the syllables (verlan) used in French that means "to fuck" (niquer (to fuck (familiar)) -> quer-ni -> kéni -> ken)

So "Him, it's just fucking"

Which I think is even more hilarious

You're human, which means your DNA contains approximately 100,000 pieces of viral DNA, and your cells carry latent viruses all the time. Are they your mother now too?

And you, an Ancient? Please.

Now, if you really must confront your parents I'll point you the way of Hojo and Lucrecia.

But I suggest you don't. They're both ugh. Which you already seem to know regarding Hojo. So just leave it alone and go have fun with Zack and Cloud. No more war hero, no more being a god, instead accept Zack's brilliant idea of being a ...ahem... a mercenary?

You will get to create wonderful experiences such as pulling out stuff from slimy dead monsters to help kids who will insult you in return. Solving disputes between (ex)SOLDIER fanclubs (after all, you know answers to these questions better than anyone). Killing mind-numbingly large number of monsters that prevent farmers from doing their job. Serve at Treasure Princess's beck and call (yes, it's a small girl from a nation you spent last 15 years being at war with, but what a wonderful way to mend some bridges...... What do you mean "No."?)

And of course you will at some point have to carry and/or sell a lot of flowers. That just comes with spending time with Zack and Cloud. But that might give you an opportunity to kick some Turk ass. Don't look so uninterested, I know you wanted to for a long time.

I guess you might also be hired by Avalanche? And Cloud will ask you to spend a lot of time at a slum bar called 7th Heaven as your presence will attract customers. Don't ask. I mean you can ask but you won't get an answer out of Cloud. But! You'll be able to take down Shinra with a more... surgical precision than they're able to. Just no civilian casualties please. Zack won't approve. And then he'll cut your hair off in your sleep and that won't end well for anyone.

Oh, and if you want to get paid make sure Cloud handles that part. Under no circumstances should you let Zack negotiate the price. You will all starve to death.

I know what you're thinking. That's a lot of time spent with kids and no people your own age. But be patient.

Carcharoth by Álvaro Fernández González

And, because this series wasn't cheesy enough:

like bro cmon now. AT LEAST PUT A SHIRT ON FOR THIS 

BRO WEREN’T YALL JUST AT EACH OTHERS’ THROATS FOR A 2 DECADE LONG PHILOSOPHICAL/MURDEROUS DISPUTE BRUCE THIS CANNOT BE INDICATIVE OF HOW YOUR HOOKUPS USUALLY GO-(has 2 second flashback of how bruce’s hookups usually go)

….

"Now, honey--"

"Don't."

"Love?"

"No."

"Well, I have to choose one of them, pet," the villain said, already smug over how quickly the hero's face was heating up. "You're my first arch nemesis: I can't keep addressing you as Hero - that would be boring."

The hero in question simply huffed, turning away from them slightly as if they were trying to hide. "I disagree. Hero works just fine--"

"What about puppy?" the villain asked.

"P-Puppy? I'm not a dog!"

"Oh?" The villain's eyes gleamed as they took a step forwards. "What kind of animal are you then? A kitten, perhaps? Maybe a rabbit - no!" They paused, gasping dramatically at their own thinking before a grin settled upon their face: "Bunny."

The hero flushed fully, too flustered to think as the villain continued their advance, taking the two remaining steps and quickly eliminating the distance between them.

"Bun-ny," the villain repeated, slower this time - the word falling from their lips with a pop.

The hero swallowed. "You are not c-calling me bunny," they said.

A pause.