that they are appreciated.
that they are important.
that they are amazing.
that they are creative.
that they are loved.
No matter how long you take to reply, what mood you are in, how insecure you are feeling about your writing, or how active you are â your presence is still very much enjoyed. You never have to apologize or feel bad for taking a while with a reply, or not answering an ask right away. Life can get busy, energy can fluctuate, interest can shift, and emotions can change. You are human and these things do not make you a bad person/partner.
We write together because it is fun and enjoyable, not because it is expected of you to answer every little thing at the snap of fingers.
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Oingo Boingo enthusiast @gingerbeer-queer tagged me in this music chain thingie. Five songs I can't stop listening to.
I cancelled my Spotify this month, so I don't have the usual endless looping runs through the same old playlists, BUT!
FEURSCHWANZ - Warriors of the World. Gloriously silly. A pile-up of folk metal talent and Ren faire aesthetics. Love a girl with a hurdy-gurdy, you know?
LOLA BLANC - Everybody. Lola's debut album is out very extremely soon and it's about damn time. She writes a great chorus that'll live in your head until the next one knocks it out, and this one is living in mine at the moment. When everyone around me thinks that I am astounding, when I'm finally the best...
LOLA BLANC - Here Come The Wolves. An older one that I think marks her move from ironic torch pop to something more... done with this shit. Kickass video, too.
THE SISTERS OF MERCY - Come Together. You knew this was going to happen, but listen: nobody writes a hook like Eldritch, and this one gallops. Lyrics are among his most word-salad ever - some wild idea like a big black bomb / oh sweet Jesus, carry me home - and the bootleg's a bit dodgy, but you work with what you can get with this band.
I don't go much on the 00s Battlestar Galactica - it's the sort of overlong syndicated drudge that puts me off TV in general and nerd media in particular - but Bear McCreary did outstanding work on the soundtrack and this 'un still gives me chills.
THE CHOSEN AND SELECTED ARE: @porcelainseashore @sluggybunny @gwenynen-bach @metashard @ghostinthegallery @findingtarshish and anyone else who feels like doing it. Maybe you could do it. Or not. I'm not your dad. Unless I am. In which case: welcome home, child. I'm sorry it's like this.
tagged in a chain meme! thanks to @abodywithorgans, whose own answers are here. seems like a fun thing to do.
reading:
Doom Patrol, the Rachel Pollack run; I recently finished the Grant Morrison run and I will hopefully write something about both when I finish Rachel Pollack's bit. this period of comics is particularly fascinating to me.
there's something really funny about how Morrison's Doom Patrol just feels like an average polycule in the current milieu: one's plural, one's nonbinary, one's a dissociating robot, one of them is a wheelchair user obsessed with technology, one of them has a ton of OCs. given the knowledge-from-the-future about Morrison it's obviously easy to read all this in a trans light, but there's so much fun stuff going on in this comic, I love how conceptually playful all the villains are.
Pollack's Doom Patrol shifts gears a bit. my main familiarity with Rachel Pollack's stuff is Unquenchable Fire, which hit a really unique mythological register, and this is surprisingly different: it seems a lot more directly mapping to the actual trans/kink subculture stuff of the 90s, in contrast to Morrison's very high-concept 'hey, have you heard about dadaism' sorta arcs. it's fun, though. I've just reached the introduction of Coagula, and I'm looking forward to seeing where she goes with it.
last series:
I recently rewatched Aeon Flux with Y., and that was really wonderful, both to revisit it with perhaps more experience of what it's playing with, and also to see Y.'s reactions to it for the first time. this series really did things to past!bryn's psyche, and I feel like I appreciate more about it each time I return to it. I'm very excited to introduce Y. to more of my library of freaky animation.
in terms of new stuff, I've been watching The Summer Hikaru Died; I'm only a few episodes in, and I haven't been in the headspace of bryn-that-watches-Hikaru for a little while, so I will hold off on commenting on that in depth for now.
in terms of things that aren't animated (crazy concept, I know), I have been watching Better Call Saul with H., which has been an interesting entry vector to the whole Breaking Bad project. I think I benefit a lot from not knowing 'oh that guy will be a major character in BB'. the core scam/lawyer drama has been really fun; the increased emphasis on the exaggerated drug cartel stuff and superhuman 'operator' shit less so.
last movie:
yesterday I watched the 1997 German version of Funny Games with Y., which is nearly shot for shot identical to the 2007 American version which I've already seen, except of course featuring a different sent of German-speaking actors. (you know, a normal valentine's day movie x3 Y. was reading a Lee Edelman book and wanted to see the movie before she read what he had to say. so the context is as ludicrously nerdy as you'd probably expect.)
watching it for (sort of) the second time was very interesting. the cruelty of it didn't hit me quite so hard this time, knowing pretty much beat for beat how it would play out. I've been listening to Louise Weard and Aoife Josie Clements' podcast Trans Panic lately, where they watch the most extreme and upsetting movies in Louise's extensive library; and so I had their discussion of how these ultraviolent movies do/don't try to condemn the viewer for being fascinated by the violence they depict. of course, Funny Games is one of the iconic 'you should feel bad for your role in this' kinda movies with all the fourth-wall breaks and stuff.
so with that in mind it was kind of interesting to introspect how, with a clear sense of where it would go, and being cast into the role of 'hey I am sharing a fucked-up movie with you', the absolutely inescapable violence didn't hit the same way, and it was even kind of funny. which is not how I encountered reading Serious Weakness the second time; that was just as intense. in any case, I think the dynamics in this movie are really well observed.
last song:
I have been learning to play Horse Racing (sai ma 賽錏) on the erhu; at the end of this month I'll be in London to play it with my erhu teacher at Goldsmiths for the lunar new year gala! which is very very exciting: both because this is one of the songs I was most looking forward to learning on erhu, and also because it's going to be my first time performing Chinese music. (it's going to be a very crazy week because right after that I'll be in Switzerland for the Mountainbytes demoparty and my first anniversary with the demoscene. desperately trying to get my prod ready.)
so, while probably the most recent song I listened to would be appear to be 'Blissful' by sadalmain in the middle of a breakcore mix on youtube, the main song that I've been looking up different versions of, that's been going round and round in here... that's certainly Horse Racing. I am nowhere near the true ceiling of expression that is possible in this piece using all the tools of vibrato, dynamics etc. to really get the full timbre of the erhu, but it's incredibly exciting to be able to play it at all, and learning such a challenging piece has pushed my playing forwards a whoooole lot for other stuff as well haha.
sweet/salty:
sweet. ez
obviously salt is really important too. but memories are coming to mind of being acknowledged as liking sweet foods more than most people do, and third-party observations tend to be crucial material to be folded into the self-concept, so it seems the instant response to the lookup of 'does the entity "I" like sweet foods' is 'yes'.
which is to say if you wanna get me a pretzel then ideally the soft cinnamon sugar type please
coffee/tea:
tea. never acquired the taste for coffee.
working on:
hoooo boy. the day after my erhu performance I'll be in Switzerland for the Mountainbytes demoparty; I'm working on turning the code from my game Shaderland into a realtime music video based on the same concept as the game itself. there is a strong feeling of wanting to mark this anniversary milestone of getting into the demoscene and have something really cool. last year I cooked up a minimal demo in a weekend; this year my standards are higher haha.
but for the most part I've actually just been working on the game rather than this demo, which is now perilously short on time to be completed.
unfortunately [I|we] have instead spent much of the time available getting broken on the lathe of heaven (apparently), which is to say, trying to figure out a lot of stuff to do with identity, plurality, and philosophy of mind and so forth. which has led to a lot of rather intense moments over the last couple weeks.
some kind of understanding is condensing in here, but the feelings about that are as fragmentary and ephemeral as everything else, advancing and retreating in waves. depending heavily on context, sometimes this brain will generate thoughts of 'I am fucking losing it and turning into a cultist again'; at other times, it generates thoughts that are enthusiastic about switching this narrative/world-generating engine into operating on more of a plural mode/self-concept. so that's a project of a sort. how that will resolve remains to be seen. probably there will be another piece of writing to follow this one soon.
other than that, we're(?) working on a web serial called Undefined Behaviour; that has stalled a bit because the process of writing got kind of gotten mixed up in the above Weird Brain Episode, but perhaps it will be a richer story when a future Bryn gets around to channeling these feelings into its characters.
and, of course, there are the ongoing intermittent projects, such as liveblogging Umineko. which tbh has much to say about a lot to all these questions so it would probably be good to get back to it.
anyway, back to the code. yesterday I implemented Dual Kawase Blur and that was pretty neat. (big ups to this excellent article breaking game blurs down in detail with webgl examples.)
additional tags: do not feel active enough on this website to feel comfortable tagging anyone at the moment. if you're reading this and you think it seems neat, pls feel free to do one and tag me in it hehe.
I was thinking about how I associate certain songs with different books Iâve read, and I wanted to hear you guyâs thoughts! So Iâm starting a chain :3
Favorite book: Illuminae
Song you associate with that book: Vampire by Olivia Rodrigo
Any reason why?: I imagine Kady is singing about AIDAN when she first interacts with it ^^
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okay, i'll bite: "timegem" is quite the compelling word! đ reveal to us a piece of the war-tinted romance! đşđ¸
(from the WIP meme, where i listed my many, many WIPs and asked for people to let me know what they're curious about)
This fic is set not long after Captain America: Winter Soldier, and through the power of the Time Gem or whatever the stone is called, Steve makes a wish for a second chance and old dying Peggy is spontaneously young again! How great, now she and Steve can live together here in the future, it all worked out!
... except, she's like 93 years old, in life experience. She doesn't know what a PDF is, okay? She's been married and widowed twice, she has great-grandchildren, and she has spent decades creating the legacy of an intelligence agency meant to keep the world safe, crafting connections across the world to ensure the stability of this institution that can weather its missteps and, she hopes, do more good than bad.
And Steve, her lost love from her twenties, just cannonballed into the side of that institution and blew up her entire legacy, to rightfully destroy the tentacles HYDRA had buried deep within it, but with no thought to preserving anything or anyone SHIELD kept safe, or keeping any of its secrets. Peggy might not have been the most fanatical as some of the Cold War hawks out there, and certainly had pursued the process of accountability for a number of bad containment policies of those decades, but the shades of grey she learned to see and Steve never had the chance to are making their sudden reunion a lot more complicated.
So she decides, time to go on a trip and see the world she had a hand in making, now that she's almost anonymous again. Along the way, she spends time with Fury, Natasha, and Bucky, and eventually finds her way back to Steve.
A SNIPPET:
Peggy slowly blinked awake in the morning sunlight, feeling an ache in her muscles like she had just completed a marathon, which wasnât that inaccurate, really. She was in Steveâs apartment, and it was 2015, and she was in her twenties, give or take seven decades. It was luxurious, to wake up and be present in knowing where and when she was with a mind she could depend on. (It was also luxurious to have better options for sex than Milt and John asking her over bingo if she wanted to be in a threesome with them. Nursing home hookup culture was not for her, at least not if men were involved.)
Steve was asleep, laying rigidly flat on his back despite not having been limited to an Army cot in years. The sun glinted against his golden hair, and she resisted the urge to run her hand over it, not wanting to wake him. Instead, she pulled button-up shirt from his closet on, leaving the scrubs sheâd commandeered from the hospital on the floor, and headed for the kitchen. The coffeemaker was simple and similar enough to the ones she was used to that she was able to get a pot started, after locating the bag of coffee in a cabinet. A quick peek out the front door (after checking for anyone looking in the hallway; she was aware of the security risk) revealed no newspaper on the doormat, which was a shame. Steveâs laptop was on the table, but she hadnât used a computer in years, and even then it had been one of the big ones in the nursing home where someone had already turned it on and helped her log into her email. She had had a bit more luck with Google searches and saving her favorite news websites, but that had more to do with her understanding of Boolean expressions through codebreaking and programming, decades before anyone dreamed up Google.Â
She was younger than some of her grandchildren, but couldnât figure out these damn computers. Sheâd have to learn, that and everything else that young people did. It was almost enough to make her tired at the thought. Sheâd programmed computers in the forties, for heavenâs sake. Then the computers got small and difficult. And turned into phones that werenât really phones anymore.Â
Peggy sighed at herself. No matter what the mirror might say, she was old.Â
She was on her second cup of coffee when Steve joined her in the kitchen. âI made a full pot,â she said. âI knew youâd be up eventually."
âI was going to cook you breakfast,â he said, and yawned. âI never sleep this late."
âYou must have needed it."
âAfter last night? Probably.â He smiled, and leaned over to kiss her. âSo, how many eggs do you want?"
âOh, none, thank you. Iâm not really a breakfast person, not since my youngest moved out,â Peggy said.Â
âMore for me, then."
âDo you get the newspaper?"
âOnly on the weekends.â Steve took the carton of eggs from the fridge. There wasnât a lot of other food in there. âUsually I just read the headlines on my phone."
âWell, I want to start getting caught up on the world, since Iâm back in it."
Steve cracked eight eggs into the pan. âI think I still have all my bookmarks from when I was trying to get caught up. I can pull them up on the laptop for you."
âIâve only got a few years to cover, thankfully,â Peggy said and smiled. She got up and poured herself another cup of coffee. âI'm actually more used to reading briefs, when I was the director, so I may ask Sharon to get a few of her less-busy resources to draft briefs for me. Iâm more interested in SHIELDâs involvement, so any analyst who can bring together the public record and the leaked SHIELD files would be best."
âHill might be able to point you in the right direction, since sheâs basically managing whatâs left of SHIELD resources these daysâŚ"
âThank you for the offering your bookmarked pages, though,â Peggy said belatedly. âI just have my habits, you know. When youâre in charge of an intelligence organization you donât get much of a chance for leisurely reading, and a pile of briefs is much more useful to me than anything else."
âIâm sure it is,â Steve replied, and slid the fried eggs out onto a plate, then doused them heavily in hot sauce. Peggy winced as the vinegary smell drifted towards her, the accompanying spice burning her nostrils, but she knew Steve would probably think it was just a pleasant kick. âI havenât had to deal with that side of things too much, on the strategy and operations side. Iâm not sure Iâd be too good with the diplomacy."
Peggy snorted. âStick with your strengths, Steve.â She imagined him in some of the delicate situations she had managed; negotiating operational freedom between autocratic countries sounded explosive, with Steve in the middle of it, yet she had not come to it as a natural, either. âAfter the war, I had to deal with a lot of men who didnât know my value, and I tended to charge right through any battle, to show I could punch as hard as they could. But sometimes I had to be more sneaky to get done what I wanted, and⌠well, you grow into the diplomacy."
âI guess you would,â Steve said. âYouâve lived quite a life, it just feels different now thatâ"
âThat I look like I did when we met?â Peggy asked.Â
âThat you talk like you did,â Steve said. âYouâve told me stories, over the past few years, but they were just things that happened in the past, if you could remember all the details. Now youâre talking like the director of SHIELD. Hell, you sound like Fury combined with a few of the NSA divisional directors weâve collaborated with, and maybe a few State Department officials thrown in."
Peggy raised her eyebrows. âYou did read my CV at some point, didnât you?"
Steve laughed. âIt looks a little different on paper than sitting at my kitchen table."
âAnd you didnât even read the classified CV,â said Sharon, coming around the corner.
âGoddammit, Carter, can you stop breaking into my apartment?â Steve complained.
âRomanoff said you didnât mind,â Sharon countered. âHi, Aunt Peggy."
âRomanoff is consistently full of shit. Especially when sheâs talking about me."
âHi, Sharon. You know, youâre going to have to drop the âauntâ sooner or later, before it gets strange,â Peggy said over Steveâs grumbling.Â
âProbably, but Iâm not used to all this yet,â said Sharon. âI brought you clothes. I had to guess the sizes, but I figured these had enough stretch to make up for anything being the wrong size. I donât want to cut your morning short, but weâve got a meeting with Hill."
âI thought we might,â Peggy said, and stood. âGive me fifteen minutes to shower and get ready, and we can go."
âIâll only take five minutes,â said Steve. âAnd can you return my spare key, please?"
Sharon let out a laugh. âI donât need a key, Rogers."
Last song I listened to: I think the last song I chose to listen to in full was "Sam's Town" by The Killers bc I was listening to Hot Fuss in my iTunes library and it spilled over into the next album before I switched to podcasts! If we count head music, "How Do I Live (Bunny Back in the Box version)" by Michael Guy Bowman is still plaguing me from my guest episode on Unsound Theories, "Overbite" by Sincere Engineer, and "Two Coffins" by Against Me!
Last book I read: I recently caught up on Mixed Feelings, a Worm longfic by Kithri on AO3. My current reads are Love-in-a-Mist by Victoria Goddard in print, The Flower That Bloomed Nowhere by Lurina on Royal Road, and When the Angels Left the Old Country by @kuttithevangu as read over the phone to me by @toopunkrockforshul (the Victoria Goddard fanserver chose it for bookclub in August :^D but I lost my signed copy in the divorce D^: but I have a cool partner who is Super Fucking Hype :^D)
Last thing I watched: B*rd B*x Barc*lona, which was mid but I did enjoy it. Ooh and I still have a couple Wheel of Time episodes I can watch!
Current obsession: I don't have any right now and it is dealing low but noticeable psychic dps :^(
No obligation to do it and DEFINITELY no obligation to do it in as much detail as I did and EXTREMELY no obligation to tag 8 people to subsequently do it who don't overlap w ppl tagged in the same post as you nor the three people they are most likely to tag if they do it, but I'm interested in the answers of: @cwtchpup @kumbric @sangfielle @bitd @racheldawnamber @roaringup @orevet and uhhhh Kuzu if u read this far
