How do I get over the feeling that I’m like a bad feminist for being a trans man? A lot of the people I hang out with will talk about how men suck and men are evil (I’m not saying they’re wrong to do so bc a lot of them have had bad experiences w men, I have too), and I also work in a male-dominated field and always did feel like it was important for me to be in spaces as a woman the problem is I’m just…not
Like idk if this makes sense but I’m not sure how to get over this feeling that like in a patriarchal world the last thing we need is more men but at the same time I’m sick of being miserable and dysphoric
Patriarchy and toxic masculinity can be reinforced by any gender. The world needs people who resist the patriarchy. And it needs all genders to do so.
If the people you hang out with are doing hard line "women good, men bad" gender essentialism, they're on the road to terf rhetoric. If they would consider you a "gender traitor" for transitioning, they are ironically working against their own cause. (You can also do a good vibe check on how they feel about non-binary people, especially those that look or lean masculine.)
If they are venting in broad terms, though, that is an opportunity to listen and reflect. As a man, you need to be able to swallow your pride sometimes in order to build your social awareness about systems of oppression. Same as when a black person vents about white folks, or a trans person vents about cis people.
As a man (especially if you are white), you will have opportunities to uplift voices of people who are not men, shut down toxic men, and inspire future generations of men to be better.
And sometimes, you will have to give people who are marginalized in ways you are *not* their space, away from you.
But your masculinity is not inherently bad. Patriarchy gives men systemic advantages, but it still is primarily designed to reward those who do not fight its system. And it won't suddenly be fixed if there's one less man in the world.
There is no reasonable men:women ratio that will suddenly make patriarchy go away.
(Hell, even if every man vanished tomorrow never to return, the Ghost of Patriarchy would still be a looming enemy to be dismantled because its tendrils run so deep.)
Fighting patriarchy requires consistent effort at every social level, from the individual to the highest tiers of government. Simply existing as whatever gender is not going to fix or worsen the problem. Your behavior is what matters.
You cannot affect social change if you yourself are drowning. Being a visible "woman" in a male-dominated field like STEM is going to be meaningless if you are not actively carving out space for yourself in order to thrive and help other women do the same. And I don't see any of that happening if you're wilting away in the closet.
If you transition to male, you are still trans. You are still vulnerable in ways cis men are not. And you are still in a position to uniquely understand and support women and non-binary people, especially because of the overlapping oppressions we face -- discrimination in reproductive care, wage gaps, etc.
For example, I very much use my male privilege in my own spaces to fight for fair pay for my female and non-binary co-workers. I share my salary info with them so they know if they should push for a raise, and have been the organizing face of multiple lawsuits now wrt wage theft, even when my own paycheck was fine.
You can use the experience of transition to hone your empathy, social awareness, critical thinking skills, humility, and courage to stand up to patriarchal power. You can do all of that as a man, and don't let anyone say otherwise.
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