I Make Shit In My Freetime

I got out of a very long term relationship with a queer partner a few months back - we're lesbians, and early on in the relationship we established a pretty firm femme/masc dynamic. And having spent some time away from it, I realize that much of that dynamic was founded on and motivated by some levels of internalized misogyny and just immaturity on the part of my ex. The relationship was motivated by me "being the man". I often felt like it was my job to be an emotional pillar, to be a bread winner. She often expressed a desire to become a house wife, to not have to handle money, etc. And while I think that was mostly just her immaturity and avoidance of responsibility, it manifested shockingly as heteronormative bullshit. It really made me feel trapped, way more than i think i recognized in the moment. I didnt feel like i could express myself, or pursue the career i want, because all she really wanted was to shirk responsibility and use me as a stepping stone to her goals. When i had moments where i considered what it would be like to go freelance so i could pursue art, she didn't even like it in the far hypothetical future. She wouldn't even entertain it with me, even when I expressed that it was my dream.

And to me, the worst part of all of it was that she was hiding under her identity as a femme to avoid confronting that. She was "just a girl". (Literally the phrase she would use - i know it's a meme, but in tandem with this situation felt so shitty). She wanted to leap into my arms without ever giving something in return. Ending that relationship, I felt really used up. Like I was only good for what I could provide - a feeling I've had long before this relationship, but probably why I stuck with it for so long. And she knew - she knew I got walked all over in the past. She knew my family have taken advantage of me, that friends have taken advantage of me, and she still did it, all while using our lesbian labels as a mask for her unwillingness to be an equal partner to me. It just sucks to want to be good, and to do the best you can, and to still be hurt in that way. Now that we're apart, I'm able to see myself with much more clarity - I've identified as bigender for a really long time, but I've really neglected the other side of that coin. I feel way less shameful about my body, about my sexuality, and about my gender.

All this to say - I think I want the next person I meet to be both a little more career minded, and also to be sort of bigender or genderfluid or nonbinary like me. I really want to shirk the male/female dynamic and just be with someone who sees me as i am. I dont want to be someone's butch - i want to be my own butch, a butch that can sometimes be a little femme, and to be with someone who can be either or both anytime too. I don't want to get stuck in someone's antiquated ideas of a relationship again just because we're lesbians. I want to meet a freak like me who wants to work hard towards a brighter future, someone who sees a vision of what could be and will walk alongside me to achieve it.