Kazu

I glared once again up to the sky.

Maybe flipping it off with my middle finger would do something,

As I grew angrier as the time passes by. 

The sky knew, and it’s the sky’s fault that I was hurting.

The tears adorned my cheeks like waterfalls,

By merely the thought of you with another.

But I knew deep inside, it was me to blame for this all.

I just can’t feel something bad; I just can’t hate her.

I felt the cries of help of my poor heart,

Contracting in protest to the sight I had seen.

And once again, I look up in the sky, a work of art;

Yet I blame it again for the way my heart have been.

I hate the sky. 

Scratch that, maybe it is still my dream.

Seeing the pure you was what I wanted to be.

Not until I knew the "bad" you.

I may say that this is the last time,

The last time I will look at this dream.

This is the last time I will pursue this dream.

Finally, after years and years of dreaming.

I dreamed of this because of you,

But you were nowhere to be found.

It was supposed to be you whom prepared me,

It was supposed to be you whom should be excited for me.

Nothing. Silence. You didn't even wait for this moment.

This will be the last time that I associate my dream with you, pa.

I'm so bitter you're not here, I knew you would be happy and excited if you knew.

I told you this dream right? Well, You might need to forget that, for me.

Salute, Pa.

This is the last time your daughter will pursue a dream that is related to being a military officer, a dream I link to you.

For this day is the last day I will hold on to the past and look forward to the future.

Quite possibly to aim a career that I really hate.

Those touches.

You should've told them.

Those stares.

You should've told them.

Those malicious attempts.

You should've told them.

But I was young.

Still, you should've told them.

I had no right to say anything.

No, you should've told them.

He was an adult, how could I complain?

If I were you, I already told them.

But--

No more buts.

You didn't tell them.

Because you didn't tell them,

Someone also had their mouth shut.

Why didn't you tell them?

Now she also went through the same thing, but just worse.

That's because you didn't tell them!

She had to keep silent for years.

Why would you result to ignorance?

I couldn't tell them, okay? I couldn't!

It's all your fault, you should've told them.

Who would believe me? A 7 year old, claiming to be uncomfortable by an old relative's touch?

It's been ten years, and now you're not the only victim. Just because you kept your mouth shut, someone had to take on that monster's doings.

This quote has struck me; from the move Fall in Love at First Kiss, a Chinese movie version of the manga Itazura na Kiss.

I was casually flipping through the pages of my poem notebook when suddenly, this quotation popped in my head, well with my opinion agreeing to it. It had dawned upon me how much I really liked (loved maybe?) That guy -- the one I might say is my first love.

It REALLY impacted my life as I have observed the contents of my notes. The amounts of poems, the adjectives, the structure, the story, etc. Somehow, when I was writing about him, it felt so natural, it felt so right. It kinda felt like home after a long travel around the world; the familiarity, the comfort, the love.

It was when I realized that I really didn't take my feelings seriously after "getting over" him. It took me quite some time to forget and get over him, encountering five different men in total.

The next thing I new, I became the epitome of this quotation -- five different men yet I was still looking for someone like him, someone that resembles him, someone that felt familiar.

I didn't know I was already hurting those men; I was internally comparing them to my first love, the way they all differ from him. It wasn't until someone seriously hit on me when I realized that I was utilizing some of these men to get over that guy.

I felt like a fucking playboy, entertaining suitors and admirers while still thinking of him. I corrected my mistakes and hoped to make amends. Not until the wreck; the destruction of my image.

I will not further elaborate the cause of my trust issues and the reason why I don't take suitors seriously anymore but yes, I made a mistake. I made it clear and apologized but I guess it wasn't enough for that person.

Somehow I found another guy to fawn upon, taller, smarter, purer and kinder. But in my notebook he only had two poems, each with four stanzas. The same story, the same adjective, the same everything, just in different ways and structure.

My first love had occupied one full notebook and a half, all with irregular stanza counts. Different stories, different adjectives, not just love but greed, anger, sadness, happiness, jealousy, name it.

And I just knew;

He impacted so much in my life, my type, my preferences, my hobbies and mostly my feelings but one thing is for sure --

My writing is always yours.

Stop my suffering, please. Nine years passed by in a blur, but the pain is still here, living, thriving, still slowly but surely killing me and my sanity.

White walls, IV packs, wires, oxygen tanks, dead silence, commonly called as hospital. I might say that my childhood wouldn't be complete without my father going to and fro this place. Everytime he breathed, he was always tired. As if inhaling and exhaling were one of the hardest workouts.

The young me didn't know, my dad was slowly dying. Instead of worrying, I always thought that I wanted to leave that hospital and go to the mall instead. It was so suffocating, claustrophobia at its finest. I didn't know that I should've cherished those moments; little did I know, it won't happen again.

One day before papa gets discharged from the hospital that lasted almost 2 weeks, me and my younger sister was awoken by slow steps, minimal sniffing and sobbing. As an 8-year-old, I thought everything was rainbows and butterflies, happiness. "Maybe because dad's returning tomorrow, tears of joy maybe. Don't worry, lil sis." I somehow convinced my sister and myself.

When both my older brother and my mother called me and my sister to sit, their faces were -- I don't know, can't be painted? Full of pain? Pity for me and my sister? "Your dad, he's gone." My world fell apart.

His corpse was welcomed with my doubt and denial about the thought of his death. Impossible, he was supposed to go home the day after that. Fate is too evil.

It fell one by one, each droplet taking its time, not caring about anything. Runny nose that was now red because of the non-stop crying. Swollen eyes made it harder to see -- to see what has happened.

Wails.

Disbelief was to be found in each and every word she wailed. Sadness did not fail to prevail at all, continuously spreading throughout my body like a poison. Anger found its way in, blaming myself, all that came with it.

His eyes.

It was closed -- he seemed so peaceful. It seems that ge finally got the rest that he needed all these years. The eyes that once gazed at me, was now nowhere to be found. It's gone.

His breathing.

It's always like he's panting, wires all around, oxygen tanks to help him breathe. As a mindless child, I couldn't care less. Of course it would one day halt but it was earlier than I thought.

He's breathing.

A thought that I wished that would come true. A sound that I wanted to hear again, the presence that I wanted to feel again. He's not breathing anymore. Let him breathe please!

The glass.

How I wanted to break that glass into pieces. Thin and transparent; the barrier between me and you. It felt like it was a cage for him, a corpse in display.

9 Years...

It has been that long? It's past half of my life spent without you. Anxiety never falters to visit from time to time, doubting me and you -- us. Tears always makes its way inside, envy and jealousy. Sometimes I temporarily forget the pain, but in times like this when I could think by myself more, it gets the best of me. Words like these can't really elaborate what I really wanted to say all this time, it's too much. I became happy, sad, angry, love and felt loved because of a person like you. It's just that time played with us, manipulated us. You are able to read this manuscript because your absence was my force to write. Thank you.

A body that was once fatty,

Was now long gone.

You could already trace her bones.

That appetite of hers grew,

But only she knew,

After digesting everything,

The more she ate, the more weight she was losing.

She shouldn't have listened,

To the comments that made her tears glistened.

Now, this person called me,

Is not me anymore, as weird as it may be.

I'm so disgusted by myself.

Three simple words yet three things that drive me crazy.

Sadness. Every single day, may it be full of smiles and laughter, sadness never fails to find a way in.

Darkness. To make matters worse, paranoia kicked in for the nth time.

Another night full of negativity.

Another night full of tears and regret.

Another night, a dark night yet again.

I hate getting sick.

I always have time for myself.

To think.

To think of all my regrets.

My pain.

My anxiousness.

My loneliness.

My sadness.

Everything I didn't want to remember.

I'm never getting sick ever again.

I already confessed, your reply was rather unexpected. You didn't believe it at first, thinking I was pulling a prank on you. I was shaking yet you said, "It's for him, right?" Dummy, it's for you. I spent weeks debating on whether to confess or not. Thank you for not being awkward. Thank you.

Just thinking about everything, I thought it would be much better if we were friends. Ya know, you're a great person. Your laugh is so contagious, even the tears that are forming, they're pretty. I wish you luck to pursue the girl you like, even though it will hurt me hehe.

Thinking about all the events that happened today,

One of those is me getting closer to you; kinda finding a way.

A way into your heart I may say,

But that way is blocked by her, much to my dismay.

Watching her made me so... Small.

Not literally, dude, I'm tall.

I can't explain the insecurity I felt, that's all,

Especially the way you smiled as you saw her, as I can recall.

It hurts too much, no?

Because the thing that I always know,

My feelings will only grow,

Yeah, fuck off.

Stop going around, pointing out baseless accusations.

You aren't the victim here, dumbass.

I don't know if you have a grudge on me or you're just an attention seeker.

The fuck? Twisting stories and facts? Sounds like a thing that you'd do.

I didn't do anything wrong, I know it. I've been kind even though you're just bullshitting me.

No. I won't, I will not. NOT EVER IN A MILLION YEARS.

After ruining my image? My reputation? Fuck you, dude.

I'm just saying,

Pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong makasakit ng pisikal pati mamersonal dahil may away palang. Umayos ka, baka di ako makapagpigil.

Hinahamak mo ang puso kong tinatangkang pinapatino,

Pinapatino, ibig kong sabihin, ang nararamdaman sa iyo'y ihinto.

Di hamak minsa'y nagiging tuliro,

Pasensiya na, napana lang ni kupido.

Sabi ko, pag-aaral nalang ang aking pagsisikapan,

Ngunit, ginoo, dahil sayo ay may kaunting kapusokan.

Aaminin kong minsan ay may karupukan,

Ngunit di magbabago, hindi parin ako pagbibigyan.

Araw-araw ay bumubuhos,

Pag-ibig kong tila walang tapos.

Alam ko naman na ang dulo nito'y kalunos-lunos,

I mean, really, it does. It makes me want to smile too.

Your eyes resemble the stars littered in the galaxy -- twinkling in an unending manner.

I like how your nose also kind of crinkles as you smile and giggle. It always made me feel ecstatic.

Your lips -- the best one of all. Uniquely formed in the cutest shape. Small, slightly plumpy. And when it curves up in a smile? Damn, I feel like I gained 10 years span of life.

I don't know, I just want to see you happy. Even if it wasn't with me. Even if I wasn't the reason for that smile.

I know it's her. That hurts to be honest, but seeing you smile? That feels so much rewarding.

I'm already immune to this, no big deal. It's just that I've never encountered someone as unique, as lovable, and as pure as you.

I'm sorry if I like you. I'm sorry if I'm giving malice to our interactions. I'm sorry if I'm initiating but you don't notice.

I'll just accept your offer of friendship and move on. Sorry for betraying you.