the city where we live doesn't allow public barbecues so my brother fucking welded a grill to a handcart and now hosts "chill and grill sessions" where he sends all his friends his live location so they can hunt him down on their bikes with sausages in their backpacks while he carts it around evading the police like some sort of barbecue vigilante, grilling on the run. i have never been prouder of him

The chemical they put on ants and all the other ants think they're dead that's what happened to tumblr except the chemical is unmarketability

genuinely insane how difficult it is to participate in your own life

'is he stupid' is one of the funniest things to add at the end of a sentence it's right up there with 'many such cases' and 'because of woke'

"my very photogenic mother died in a freak accident (picnic, lightning) when i was three" like come ON how did you write the funniest sentence ever by adding a two word parenthetical. leave something for the rest of us

"A rare photo of a telecom technician hatching. He even still has parts of the eggshell on his head."

casting these before getting out of bed like buff spells before a raid boss

i hate viruses so fucking much. literally getting attacked by a fucking shape. a concept. consumes no energy. responds to no stimuli. its only existence is to fuck with you. like fuck offf