it's me, the trash can

“Eddie Spaghetti.”

“What, dickhead? And don’t call me that.”

Richie laughed as he pushed Eddie with his foot. He let himself fall back onto his bed from the force of the kick as Eddie’s tsks and tuts filled the space between them.

“As much as I love to sit in silence while you ignore me to make out with your schoolwork, I’m bored. Let’s do something.”

“Do what, bitch?” Eddie responded absentmindedly. He didn’t even bother looking up from his work. “I’ve got a lab report due next week and I’ll be damned if you make me fail it. Don’t-”

“E-d-d-i-e,” Richie annunciated.

The smaller boy drew his mouth into a thin line. In the fifteen years since they had known each other, this was one of the few times that Eddie held his tongue. He would never admit it, but the only time he ever did was if he already knew he would go along with whatever Richie proposed.

Richie had discovered that fact a few years ago. The only problem that came from knowledge that powerful was that it left Richie’s stomach in knots that he couldn’t quite explain. And that he couldn’t bring himself to fully take advantage of Eddie’s complacency.

So instead of saying, ‘Hey, my heart gets all funky when you scrunch up your nose and laugh at my jokes. I don’t really care what we do, I think I just want to make you smile forever.’ Richie proposed, “Let’s go get our dicks wet at the quarry.”

His voice came out much more confident than he felt.

“You want to go swimming in that dirty lake when we could go to Bill’s house and swim in his new pool.”

It wasn’t a question. It wasn’t a no.

“Obviously. That pool’s too tiny for my massive dong. I need room to breathe Eds!”

“You know you’re fucking disgusting.”

It still wasn’t a no.

Richie grabbed onto Eddie’s arm and pulled the best puppy eyes in the entire world. His lip quivered and he let his chest jump up in fake, strangled sobs.

“Ed, Eddie, please. Swimming!”

“Lab. Report.”

Eddie’s smile and his quick glance up to Richie’s face betrayed his reply.

“Swim. Ming.”

“Ming isn’t even a word, jackass. Fucking do your homework!”

Richie jumped from the bed with Eddie’s arm still held loosely in his grip. Eddie didn’t pull his arm back. He never did. That was another thing Richie had learned. He wiggled Eddie’s arm daintily, letting his grip loosen until Richie’s hand had moved to hold Eddie’s wrist.

Eddie was small. It was one of his most defining features. Right alongside being Too Fucking Cute and Really Fucking Annoying. Both in the best possible ways. But it was moments like these when Richie was forced to realize just how small Eddie actually was. With his fingers touching because his hands completely covered Eddie’s thin wrist. Eddie’s small smile tugged up to his small eyes, scrunched into a small scowl as he pretended not to want to agree with Richie’s request.

Eddie’s reply almost lost itself on its way to Richie’s ears.

“Hey, did you hear me? Or do I have to change my mind?”

Richie shook his head and dropped Eddie’s wrist. He moved his hand to his chest and bowed towards the door, drawing a sarcastic laugh from Eddie. Even that was enough.

They both took the steps two at a time, calling out to whoever would listen as they ran.

“Hey, going out for a bit, be back later. Don’t wait up and we’re taking our bikes! See ya!”

It wasn’t like anyone would have tried to stop them. Richie liked to think that his parents were just cool like that. And hey, maybe they really were.

Laughter filled the early fall air as the door snapped shut. Eddie, as reluctant as he was minutes ago, sprinted ahead of Richie and jumped onto his bike. He peddled across the sidewalk a few feet ahead by the time Richie made it to his bike.

If it was a race he wanted, by god, he’d get one.

The only problem with racing, they both already knew, was that they each knew every shortcut. They knew where the crowds were, where the path turned bumpy, where there was only enough room for one bike at a time. And if you made it to that part of the trail first, well, you pretty much won. But that never stopped them from trying.

By the time Eddie’s tires threw the dry earth into the air as he screeched to a stop, Richie had already leaned his bike against their tree. Yes, their tree. The winning tree.

Eddie’s bike fell into the dirt and he threw his hands into the air in defeat. His fingers spread to the heavens as his eyes rolled back in his skull. He opened his mouth as wide as it would go and shouted, “Un-be-lievable!”

He stomped forwards, letting his words get lost in Richie’s laughter.

“You almost killed that old woman! You know she probably dropped her groceries, might have even broken her hip. If she was a witch and she cursed me I’m taking you down with me.”

“Edward Sphaghettward, I curse he and thee-” Richie started.

He knew Eddie wasn’t actually mad, no matter how hard he tried to hide his smile. Even though Eddie wasn’t actually mad, he still grabbed onto Richie’s shirt and narrowed his eyes, backing them both to the cliff’s edge.

Richie didn’t exactly try and stop the advance, though. He walked backwards as effortlessly as Eddie pressed forwards. It wasn’t until they stilled a few steps from the edge that Richie realized he hadn’t finished his joke. He had started to notice that happening a lot recently. No matter how often Eddie stole the words from his mouth, Richie still found himself surprised by it.

He found himself wondering what it meant, too. What it meant for his loudmouth self to fall speechless. But that was always something he thought of later. Never in the moment. In the moment he thought about other things. Like now, for instance. With Eddie’s ‘angry’ expression staring up at him, inches from his face, as he gripped Richie’s shirt in his fist. Richie’s mind thought a lot of things.

Currently, his main thought was, ‘What would it be like if I hit my forehead against Eddie’s right now?’ Well, not hit, necessarily. If he just clunked his forehead against Eddie’s and let it rest there as they stared into each other’s eyes, what would it be like? He swallowed hard.

Richie opened his mouth again to try and cover the blush he thought he felt in his cheeks. He couldn’t believe his stupid brain still thought it felt embarrassed around Eddie. He’d never been embarrassed around Eddie in his life. So why-

“Shut up,” Eddie interrupted before Richie could even make a sound. “I hate you.”

Richie blinked. A smile spread across his face, but he wasn’t completely sure why.

“I hate you. I’m jumping.”

Eddie let go of his shirt, took two giant steps, and lept from the cliff.

Richie swore as he moved past him that Eddie’s face was covered in blush too, but it had all happened so fast that he wasn’t quite sure. Besides, he had been lost in his own head. He had blushed. He could have just imagined it on Eddie too.

What would that mean if he hadn’t imagined it?

Richie plunged down after Eddie. The water stung as he crashed into the pool but the feeling in his chest from the drop was enough to even out the pain.

“My dick feels so free!” he yelled as his head broke the surface.

Almost instantly, his mouth filled with water as Eddie splashed him for his comment. They both laughed, though. It couldn’t have been too bad.

Richie lunged forwards and caught Eddie’s shoulders, leaning his hair back into the water. It had already been soaked from the jump, but Eddie still pretended to be offended.

Time lost meaning as they swam. Neither noticed that their hands had turned to prunes or that their stomachs had shriveled to nothing or that the sun had started to caress the tips of the trees. They were too busy laughing. Too busy living.

Richie wasn’t sure how he managed to do it, but Eddie ended up on his shoulders at some point. No one else was there to play chicken with them. Eddie’s free ride was some sort of silent agreement neither of them were aware of making. But neither one complained.

In the end, Eddie was the first to point out the sun. The water had turned an even darker shade than normal as shadows crept over them. Richie had known for a while that they should have left—he was sure Eddie had known too—but he didn’t want to be the one to end their fun. Eddie could be the party pooper.

Reluctantly, they both pulled themselves out of the water and dripped their way back up the cliff.

“I can’t believe you didn’t bring any towels,” Eddie huffed.

“You could have grabbed some too, ya know. I’m not the only one with hands!”

“Yeah, but it’s your house. And it was your idea to swim and sabotage my entire future by skipping on my lab report.”

“Fine.” Richie stopped in the middle of the trail and hung his head, forcing Eddie to turn with a reluctant smile and watch Richie’s performance. “Eds, I hereby humbly apologize for ruining your whole future forever by forcing you to come on this epic day of fun instead of finishing your boring lab report a week and a half before it’s even due.”

“Come on, drama queen,” Eddie laughed. “If we hurry, I might be able to sleep over. I just need enough time to tell my Mom first.”

Richie’s insides flipped at the mention of Eddie’s mother. Or maybe it was from him offering to sleep over at his house.

“Oh, no need to tell your mom. She can come too. My bed might be able to hold us both. You can take the rug, of course.”

Eddie deliberately doubled back just to smack Richie on the back of his head.

They walked a bit more in silence. Richie found himself lost in his head again, thinking about the feeling of Eddie’s hand against his head. Thinking about what it might feel like if Eddie let his hand linger a moment. Thinking-

“Where’s your head at? You’ve been quiet for like, five whole minutes. That’s got to be some kind of record.”

Eddie’s voice snapped Richie out of his haze but left him somewhere worse. What exactly was he supposed to say? ‘I was thinking about your hand in my hand, Spagheds.’ Fuck no. That’s… weird. Eddie would definitely think so.

Richie never got to think of a reply before Eddie cut in again.

“What are you thinking about right now? I swear to god if you hesitate a second before you answer I’m throwing your bike in the water.”

“My massive dick,” Richie answered in a flash.

It was an obvious lie, that much was clear to both of them, but Richie would be damned if he lost his bike. No bike meant no riding with Eddie. Between school, their parents, the other Losers, and every other damn obstacle in their god-forsaken town, Richie wasn’t about to voluntarily let anything else take time away from his best friend.

“Then I’m thinking about motherfucking Ben,” Eddie snapped in response.

It was too dark to see Eddie’s face, but Richie didn’t need to see him to tell that he was pissed.

“Was- er, were you thinking about Ben?”

“Obviously fucking not, Rich.”

The sound of crunching leaves filled the now heavy silence between them. It was so sudden. So stupid. But of course, Richie’s stupid mouth fell quiet again at the worse fucking time. Always around Eddie. Always when he never wanted to stop talking.

“Hey,” Richie heard himself say.

He’d thought it—he’d thought out an entire conversation, actually—but he never planned on following through with actually saying anything. It was too late to turn back now, though. Neither of them stopped walking, but Eddie turned his head questioningly, expecting Richie to continue.

“I’m, uh, sorry if I did something. Or said something. And I’m not being weird, or, I’m not trying to, but- are you angry with me? And not like, playful angry, but actually snappy and pissed. I know this is stupid girly shit and it’s so weird that I’m even bringing this up because it seems like it happened so suddenly and maybe I’m reading too much into it but I don’t want you to be angry with me and we’re almost up the hill and then we’ll be on our bikes and if we’re riding we can’t talk and-”

Eddie’s sigh calmed the fear beating against Richie’s chest. “Fucking breathe, jesus christ.”

He did. It was deep and ragged and completely out of character. He drew in a breath and let it out as he fell silent again. He wasn’t a sap. That was Ben’s shtick. Bill too. But not him. He hated the way this felt in his head and his heart and his pulse.

They rounded the corner to the top of the cliff in silence. The silence held as they grabbed onto their bikes. He knew he shouldn’t have said anything. Richie swung his legs over his seat and turned to look at Eddie. It was a good thing he did.

Eds hadn’t gotten on his bike yet. Instead, he held it in a death grip as he stared at the ground. They were high enough now that the last of the sun’s rays danced across Eddie’s face, highlighting the lines of frustration that drew across his forehead.

Something inside Richie pulled him to ask what was wrong. To drop his bike and comfort his friend. But something else held him back.

They spent a few more minutes filled with silence before Eddie finally looked up. Richie’s heart skipped a beat as they locked eyes. Feelings were fucking stupid.

“Rich, I wasn’t thinking about Ben.”

“Yeah, we established tha-”

“You weren’t thinking about your dick.”

“It’s hard not to think about.”

“I will throw you back in the fucking sewer with that fucking clown I swear to you-”

“Okay, okay,” Richie laughed softly. “Look, I uh-”

“Do you think I’m brave?”

The question completely caught him off guard. How could he not be brave?

‘Eddie, loud mouthed, witty, unapologetic, I broke my arm, mouthed off to my abusive overprotective mother, faced every fear I’ve ever had, killed a fucking clown, ditched his homework to jump off a cliff into some dirty lake water, Kaspbrak. That fucking Eddie somehow thinks he’s not brave?’

They both sat on their bikes now, staring at each other. Eddie nodded his head thoughtfully and it took a second for Richie to realize that he had said all of that out loud. That definitely wasn’t what he had intended. How many times had he done that before?

Eddie eased himself onto his pedals and slowly pushed off from the ground. He crept by Richie as the sun fully dipped below the trees and said quietly, “I want to be brave.”

His soft voice left butterflies in Richie’s stomach. It was the stupidest fucking thing. He hated when that happened. Except he didn’t hate it. Eddie was so fucking brave. Richie on the other hand, he could act brave, but none of it was true. He was a coward, and of course, it would be Eddie who made him realize that fact.

Eddie. Who made Richie feel like the bravest and the most cowardly person in existence. Eddie, who tugged at Richie’s mind almost every minute of every day. Eddie, who- fuck. FUCK. Fuck fuck fuck. Shit.

Richie’s heart nearly beat out of his chest. His sweat covered palms slipped as he struggled to keep his grip on his bike handles.

What the actual genuine motherfucking fuck. Why did he realize this now? It took him four years. Four fucking years to come to this realization. It terrified him. Richie was almost scared to even acknowledge the thought. If he did, that might make it too real. He wasn’t brave enough for that. Fuck.

Richie bolted ahead of Eddie at top speed. He barely heard Eddie’s angry, “Hey!” called out behind him, but he didn’t stop. Not until they both rolled up to Eddie’s porch, panting and heaving.

Somehow Richie managed to even his breathing long enough to say, “Can’t stay over tonight, forgot, I’ve got a thing. Sorry. See you tomorrow!” and pedal away.

He left Eddie, soaked and panting on his front porch with no further explanation, but in the moment, he couldn’t have given one. And of course, he’d said, ‘see you tomorrow,’ because even in this mess, even in his fear, he couldn’t stay away. Fuck.

Somehow it felt like both an eternity and only a second had passed when Richie finally skidded to a stop outside Stan’s house. He tripped over his handlebar as he jumped from his ride and sprinted to the doorstep.

He took a second to compose himself, prepared his best voice and his most proper manners to convince Stan’s father to let him in, and knocked.

Shuffling came from the other side of the door after another eternity of waiting and it finally creaked open.

“Mr. Uris, hello. I’m sorry to bother you at such a late hour but I have to talk to Stan. Now.”

He spoke too quickly, too urgently, he knew that. But his mind was moving at a bajillion miles per hour and he couldn’t calm himself down if he tried.

“Richard, of course. I’m sorry, but it’s a school night and Stanley has already gone to bed. I’m sure your talk can wait until morning.”

He moved to shut the door, but Richie wedged his foot in the crack just in time to feel his toes crunch in his shoes. Mr. Uris looked shocked. Richie fought back a swear and forced a smile onto his face as Mr. Uris pulled back the door, releasing Richie’s foot.

“Please, I forgot we have a project due tomorrow and if I don’t talk to him now, I could realistically die. I’m completely serious,” he added after Mr. Uris gave him a strange look.

“I will make sure and have him up early, but I’m afraid tonight just won’t work. Goodnight, Richie.”

He cursed softly as the door fully shut and the hall light snapped off: A clear signal for him to Fuck Off. Or it would be if Richie didn’t know which window was Stan’s.

After a few minutes of waiting, or maybe it had only been a few seconds, Richie doubled back into the landscape and dug out the biggest rock he could find. He wound his arm back, aimed, and tossed it gently against Stan’s window. Except it wasn’t as gentle as Richie had anticipated. Actually, it wasn’t gentle at all. The rock completely shattered the window, spraying the room with shards of glass.

Richie cringed as he stared up at the mess. A war raged in his mind as to whether or not he should run. But before he could make the decision for himself, Stan appeared at the scene of the crime. He held the rock in his hand, aimed down at the ground below as a fire blazed in his eyes. He had been fully prepared to attack whoever had assaulted his window until he saw it was Richie.

Realizing it was his friend only made him want to throw it more. And he did.

The rock missed Richie by a few feet, but only because he knew Stan hadn’t aimed properly. He leaned out his window and half shouted, half whispered, “What the hell was that for?”

“I have to talk to you right now or I’ll die, and your dad wouldn’t let me in the house!” Richie shout-whispered back.

“So you break my fucking window?”

“I’m going to fucking die, man! Right now! Talk!”

“All you ever do is talk...”

Stain pulled his head back inside and disappeared. Richie tapped his foot impatiently. He rocked back and forth, spun in circles, paced. He did basically everything ever because Staniel was the slowest person on earth. But finally, the door creaked open, then shut, and Stan joined him on his lawn.

“What t-”

“Stan, I think I’m gay.”

The words fell from his mouth before he could even give them an ounce of thought. It was lucky he even managed to say it, but it hadn’t been far from his intended reveal.

“Okay...” Stan trailed into silence with a look on his face that screamed, ‘is that all?’ and frankly, Richie was offended.

“Okay? That’s all you have to say? Why aren’t you freaking out? I’m freaking out! I’m about to have a motherfucking heart attack on your lawn!”

Stanley’s face softened suddenly, and he cut Richie off before his rambling could go any further. That was part of the reason Richie went to him over any of his other friends. Stan knew how and when to shut him the fuck up.

“Wait, you’re being serious right now?”

“Yes, I’m being serious! I’m having a crisis, a gay crisis, and I don’t know what to do! I don’t even know if I am, but-”

“Oh my god. Okay, I’m going to bite my tongue on a lot right now but just let me get one thing off my chest.” Stanley took a deep breath and looked Richie dead in the eyes. A dopey smile plastered his face. “You’re just finding this out now?”

Richie’s mouth had already opened, anticipating nearly every possible response but the one Stan had just given. His mouth snapped shut out of confusion before he tried again.

“What do you mean?”

“Rich, you’ve been making googly eyes at Eddie for the past five years!”

“You mean goo goo eyes?”

Richie realized Stan’s bait too little too late. He had already fallen into the trap of asking, so that was on him. It was stupid. Barely even a joke. But it did help calm him, somehow.

“See! If it wasn’t true you would’ve thrown a joke there.” His tone suddenly turned more serious, though it still held the kind support Richie craved. “So, it is Eddie?”

“Yeah… I guess it always has been.”

“What made you realize now?”

A sigh escaped Richie’s throat as he tilted his head back, staring up into the stars. Where to even begin.

“I took Eddie swimming like, five minutes ago-”

“You realized this five fucking minutes ago?!”

“Shut up, I’m going through atonement here. Yeah. I’ve been thinking about stuff for a while. Not like, whether or not I like guys, but just the way Eddie makes me feel. It’s warm and jittery and happy and sick and all these weird conflicting emotions that ball up in my chest and my head and-”

“Rich.”

“Yeah, sorry. Anyway, we swam and Eddie asked me if he was brave. Then I thought a bunch of stuff in my head that I guess I accidentally said out loud. Nothing weird, just basically, ‘Yeah, Eddie. You’re super brave and here’s a ton of reasons why!’,” Richie said, accompanied by a terrible Eddie impression. He cleared his throat and continued. “That got me thinking about how I really do think he’s brave. But I’m not brave. But Eddie makes me feel like I’m brave, and I’m always thinking about him, and he gives me butterflies, and the best part of my entire day is getting to make him smile. It all just kinda hit me. I think I’m gay. And I think I have a crush on Eddie.”

Stan rested a hand on Richie’s shoulder. He understood. Aside from Eddie—which, now he was technically a crush, so could he really even count?—Stan was Richie’s closest friend. That meant they knew each other. He knew what Richie needed.

“It’s gonna be okay. Did you talk to Eddie about it?”

“Obviously not, that’s why I’m here or I’d be...”

Richie wanted to make a joke. He wanted to say, ‘Or I’d be back sucking his dick.’ but he had no clue how Eddie would react to Richie’s confession and it seemed wrong to joke about something that could potentially ruin his entire life. Richie wasn’t even sure himself as to what he wanted. He had liked girls in the past. Or at least, he thought he had. But now that this realization had struck him, there was no denying that he liked Eddie. He really liked Eddie. He just didn’t know how any of this worked. It sucked.

“This is going to eat you alive if you don’t talk to him.”

Stan interrupted Richie at the perfect time even when he was trapped in his own head. He almost wanted to hug him.

“Thanks, Stan.” Richie pulled his bike from the ground and jumped onto the seat. Stan’s confused expression drew a smile across Richie’s. “If I think too much it’ll never get it done so I’m going to go talk to him while I’m still riding the Stan high. Make sure tomorrow at school I’ve said something!”

“Wait, Richie, not tonight! His mom-”

“Yeah, I’ll confess my love for her too!” he shouted back over his shoulder.

Just like that, he was gone. He’d apologize to Mr. Uris about the broken window later. Now, he had more important things to attend to.

If Richie didn’t think Stanley would call him out in front of the rest of their friends for not talking to Eddie, he would have ridden straight home and panicked in silence for the rest of the night. But Stan would Absolutely do that. And Richie had promised. So here he was, stopped in front of Eddie’s porch, again, for the second time tonight. It couldn't have been much more than an hour since he left, but that didn’t matter right now. It couldn’t.

Richie’s heart pounded as he threw a pebble against Eddie’s window. He was careful this time not to shatter the glass, but breaking it proved much more effective. It took Richie nearly ten tries before he finally got Eddie’s attention.

He looked angry as he leaned out into the cool air. His freshly showered hair stuck to his forehead.

“What do you want? I thought you had a thing?”

“I did. Thing’s over now. Can we talk?”

Eddie’s face scrunched in concern. He almost pulled his head back inside but thought better of it. It was like a breath of fresh air and a punch in the git when he nodded hurriedly and waved Richie inside.

Scaling the tree that branched to Eddie’s window barely took a second, or maybe it took forever. Either way, once he finally stepped inside and Eddie quietly lowered the glass behind him, time stopped completely.

“How was your thing?” Eddie asked in annoyance.

“You know. It was a thing.”

Perfect. Eddie stole his fucking voice again. They stood for a bit in complete silence until they both rushed to speak at the same time.

“I thi-”

“Rich, I-”

They shared an awkward laugh. The next minute was spent arguing over who should talk first, until Eddie finally drew himself up to his full height—which barely reached Richie’s nose—and demanded that Richie talk. It was the first time he had ever heard someone ask him to talk. Usually it was the opposite.

“Okay,” Richie started with a shaky sigh. “I, uh, hate talking about feelings and junk. That’s girly and weird. And I’m not that, but I- I wanted to say that, well, to talk about- I wanted you to know that I realized, maybe, I think-” Richie swore under his breath and muttered, “God, I sound worse than Bill,” before he forced himself to continue. “Gay. That’s- I think I’m gay. That’s it.”

That wasn’t it. But even just saying that took too much effort. So for now, that was it.

Silence filled the room again. It grew heavier with every passing second, but Eddie never looked angry.

For the first time in his life, Richie stayed voluntarily quiet. To add another first, he prayed. He didn’t even pray that Eddie liked him back. Just that he wouldn’t hate him. That they could still be friends.

“What about Jenny? Sixth grade?” Eddie finally asked.

Richie couldn’t help but laugh. The outburst brought a smile to Eddie’s face and for a second, Richie let himself hope.

“Well, I liked her then. Or, I thought I did. I thought that was the best day of my life for a really long time-” Eddie’s face fell suddenly and Richie quickly changed the subject. “But now I don’t know if I actually did like her or not. It might have been an in the moment thing. But if it wasn’t- I don’t know if you can like both. But I know now I’ve got a crush on a guy. Like, it’s definitely a crush, and so I think I might be...”

He trailed off into silence again. Eddie sat down at the end of his bed and nodded his head slowly.

“You can like both, dipshit,” he said quietly.

Richie mimicked Eddie’s actions, nodding his head slowly. He barely registered the playful insult.

He guessed that made sense. You could like chocolate and vanilla, so why not girls and guys? That made sense...

“What were you going to say?” he asked eventually.

Eddie swallowed nervously and shifted his weight on his bed.

“I uh, I don’t like both. That’s what I was going to say. Guys and girls. I don’t like both.”

It took a second for Eddie’s confession to fully register. By the time it did, Richie had never been gladder in his entire life that he held his tongue. He might have confessed a dark secret and ruined their friendship, but at least he hadn’t admitted to having a crush on Eddie specifically.

After Richie failed to respond, Eddie finally broke the long spell of silence. “I only like guys.”

Richie continued nodding his head until Eddie’s words finally clicked into place. When they did, Richie’s entire nervous system shut down. He froze mid nod, his eyes staring at the carpet. His eyes shifted up slowly, afraid of what they might see. When gaze finally met, Richie saw nothing but warmth.

He found himself smiling without even having let it happen. A warm, nervous feeling filled his chest.

“Yeah?” Richie asked breathlessly.

Eddie laughed in response. “Yeah.”

“So, uh, how long have you known?”

“It was about five years ago when I really accepted it,” Eddie confessed. “But I think I knew when I was a lot younger. You?”

“About an hour ago.”

He hadn’t meant to admit that, but his brain wasn’t exactly working on his terms right now.

Eddie’s eyebrows raised in a crease, and he drew his head back in shock. His face had turned redder than a tomato. He tried to play it off by looking up at the ceiling and ignoring Richie. It worked about as well as he expected it to.

“I didn’t mean-” Richie started, but Eddie cut him off.

“You made me realize I was gay.”

Silence was the theme of the night. The only plus was that each time it fell over them, it felt better than the last.

“Really?”

Richie’s breathy reply filled with more hope than wanted to allow, but at this point he didn’t care.

“Yeah. It was that year when everyone hit puberty all at once-”

“Fifth fucking grade,” Richie groaned.

He nodded his head and closed his eyes. It felt good to fall back into his jokes.

“Yeah, fifth fucking grade is right. Everyone else got crushes and went off and had sex and… I just wanted to hang out with you. I was just, don’t fuck with me for this, I thought I was a late bloomer.”

Richie snorted but Eddie’s sharp glare set him on his best behavior. He threw himself onto the bed by Eddie’s pillows and propped himself onto his arm, ready to hang on Eddie’s every word.

“I thought maybe I was broken, or I hadn’t actually hit puberty. Then one day we had a stupid science project and we came here to work on it.” Eddie paused to deepen his blush. “We got it done really fast and I still wanted to hang out, so we laid around and read comics for a while-”

“Wait, I think I remember that-” Richie interrupted, but Eddie cut him off again.

“You got bored and you’re an asshole, so you gave me a wet willy and I wrestled you for payback...”

Eddie trailed off but he didn’t need to finish the story. Richie remembered exactly what happened.

He was bigger than Eddie, he always had been. So, when Eddie had tried to retaliate with a wet willy of his own, Richie didn’t shy away from proving his strength. Eddie had pushed Richie playfully into the wall, but he flipped their roles like it was nothing.

They struggled for a bit, but Richie only let it draw on so Eddie wouldn’t feel bad. Richie ended up on top of him, pressing his wrists down into the mattress as he let out a triumphant laugh. Eddie’s face had flushed red from the exertion of fighting him, but looking back, there might have been another reason for his scarlet appearance.

The electricity in Richie’s chest might not have just been from his victory.

“This one guy in our grade made me realize,” Richie sighed dramatically. He let a dreamy look fall over his face as his gaze rose to meet Eddie’s. He was surprised when he thought he saw Eddie’s face hold a glint of anger. “He’s about yay high-” Richie held his hand to his nose. “Dark eyes, darker hair, and the only wit in the world to rival my own. Oh, and he’s the cutest motherfucker in the entire world.”

Richie’s heart raced just having those thoughts rattle inside his head, let alone saying them out loud. An hour and a half ago he had forced himself to come to terms with the fact that he liked guys. That he liked Eddie. Now, somehow he found the courage to speak his heart. This was all way too much and he loved it.

“What the fuck, dick for brains?”

Richie snapped out of his euphoric daze and stared at Eddie in confusion.

“What?”

“Dude? I just confessed to having a lifelong crush on you and you sit here and tell me about some other guy that gave you a hard on? What the fuck?”

How on earth could he have fallen in love with the stupidest person in existence. ‘Love?’ That was a thought for another day.

Richie couldn’t help but laugh. He rolled forward and grabbed onto Eddie’s knee, pulling himself into a sitting position so he could lean against the wall. Really, he did it to lean closer to Eddie. Now, more than ever, all he wanted to do was be close to him.

“It’s you, Eds. You’re my fucking crush.”

His gentle voice calmed Eddie’s rage. It took a moment, but Eddie finally laughed. His blush turned soft as a smile stretched dimples into his cheeks.

Richie wasn’t sure how long they laid in bed and laughed. It felt like forever. Like no time at all. He never wanted it to end. But when it finally did, they were both leaned against the wall, an arm or hand keeping their skull from throbbing against the hard plaster. Their heads were close. Barely inches apart. That’s what finally stilled their laughter. Proximity.

“You smell like the fucking lake,” Eddie finally whispered.

Laughter was their new theme. It was much better than silence, but the threat of it never left. Richie held his breath as their giggles faded. It was his turn to break it.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered.

Richie wasn’t brave. He never had been. But he was learning pretty quickly how to change that.

Eddie nodded without a moment’s hesitation and then they had both leaned in. Nothing existed but Eddie.

It was slow at first, both hesitant to move out of fear or nervousness or whatever the fuck. But the second Richie’s cold, chapped lips pressed against Eddie’s smooth ones, he felt starved. He needed to kiss Eddie, more than he had ever needed anything else in his life. And fuck, he was gay.

Richie pushed back against Eddie needily. He had barely enough sense to put his hand in Eddie’s hair before his head slammed into the wall. His hair was still damp from his shower, but it was soft and short and shit it felt so nice.

Eddie kissed him back just as hungrily. They pulled each other closer, nothing but a mess of limbs and tongues.

The second Eddie parted his lips and tugged at Richie’s curls; Richie was gone. His tongue pulled a moan from Richie’s throat. Eddie swallowed it as Richie tipped his head down and deepened their kiss.

Richie suddenly pulled back and threw his lips against Eddie’s cheek. Then his jaw, and his chin, and his neck. His fucking neck. He had to hold a hand against Eddie’s mouth to stop his moaning.

He could stay in this moment forever. Terrifying and new and fucking euphoric. But he knew he couldn’t let himself. Not now. As much as he wanted to.

Richie drew his tongue up Eddie’s neck, savoring his freshly washed taste and the sounds his mouth pulled from him.

“Is it okay if we wait?” Richie panted.

His chest heaved with every breath he took and damn if he didn’t want to keep going. But he needed to think. And Eddie needed to breathe. And they had all the time in the world.

“Yeah,” Eds responded breathlessly. “Yeah, whatever you want. Yeah.”

Richie leaned in and kissed him again, softly. He pulled Eddie down on top of him as they fell back into the mound of pillows.

They laid together in Eddie’s twin bed, holding each other close. Richie wasn’t going anywhere. And Eddie didn’t want him to.

Richie’s mind hadn’t been still since the second he had learned to think. But right now, in this moment, only one thought filled his mind.