JYUNSHIIM

The everlasting beauty of a frail butterfly; dainty, graceful but on the brink of it’s departure from the cruel world it was unwillingly brought into. He didn’t want to let go just yet and waited until he overcame his fears and stepped over oceans in order to vanquish the corroding fear he sustained. But when the pitiable soul finally reached his hand out, it was too late; the tenuous little butterfly flew far away, never to be seen again. The shattering pain like shards of glass piercing through his heart causing calamity to himself was too much to bear.

Winter had finally ended, iced leaves and soil would melt away to revive the preserved flora that resided in the school garden. Spring strided in, in a cheerful and bright manner reflecting it’s enlivening character through the vegetation. Soobin, a reserved 17 year old,  shyly walked in through the high school gates clasping onto his bag strap and biting his bottom lip nervously. His charcoal hair that was parted through the middle perched on his forehead almost covering his eyes which were like a pair of black tourmaline crystals, glistening like tapioca pearls.He was shy although his talents were never unseen; he was a prodigy in music and he was the quiet musical genius. Soobin was an acquiescent child and student, carefully practicing and studying his music outside of school hours with his parents. They were tough on him, the strict rules were almost cruel, however Soobin wasn’t one to tell nor complain about his home life and studies. His schedule was quite simple - school, homework and study, then music practice for the rest of the night until he fell asleep at his piano or with his guitar in his desk chair. His mother was an award winning musician as well as his father thus the strict teaching he was experiencing very much daily. The frustration was overwhelming. He wanted to run away from it all and give up the music career his parents pleaded for but that would be classified as treason to his parents especially since they both were no longer with him. They wished for their son to follow their footsteps and continue their legacy and giving up on that wish would be like giving up on them. They passed away 2 years ago when Soobin was 15 years old on their way to his recital which was performed in front of a very large audience. He waited for them to arrive even after he performed his piece, rang them multiple times but no answer. Not even a call back. Then the traumatic news was broadcasted backstage that there was an extreme collision that caused 2 deaths and 3 injuries; the two deaths being none other than his parents. Soobin cried silently in pain since he recognised the car. It was indeed traumatic for a 15 year old boy but now, he had no one. His aunt heard the news and decided to take care of him soon after the traumatising incident but since then, Soobin was never the same.

The sun was warmly beaming down to the newly tarmacked walkway into the school as Soobin slowly walked in through the school gate spotting his friends sitting on some stairs. Yeonjun was his longest friend; they met through a music academy when they were ten years old before Yeonjun left to focus on his academics rather than music. Yeonjun was like a battery for Soobin, always full of energy and enthusiasm making sure Soobin doesn’t miss out during the peak of his teenage years. There was also Arin too, she too was a part of Soobin’s music academy however specialised in classical music especially with violin and also vocals - more specifically opera. Arin was incredibly focused on her musical career and wished to perform worldwide with both her violin and singing. For Soobin, she was more of a third parent pushing him to do better and to attend the extra rehearsal hours although in a much more polite and loving manner than his parents were. She was supportive, more supportive than anyone in his life could ever be. Soobin swallowed hard as if he were swallowing a pill and waved at them before sitting next to Yeonjun.

“You’re early today,” Yeojun’s eyes turned into a crescent shape as he smiled hard at Soobin. It was endearing to Soobin, he appreciated the unconditional love and support he got from Yeonjun, something an older brother would provide. “We got you this because you always miss breakfast,” Arin smiled lovingly from the other side of Yeonjun “make sure you have it or else,” She points at him in a semi threatening way. Soobin nods and smiles, looking down at the strawberry milk and cinnamon bun he was given. He never had breakfast, lunch or dinner with his parents and when he did, the outcome was always negative; his mother or father, sometimes even both, would end up leaving to do something with their work or Soobin would eat at home alone when his parents were out grading other music students or judging at music competitions. With his aunt, she would be busy working but she would try her best, so that was a positive.

The deafening sound of the school bell rang and the almost silent hallways became boisterous and cramped as students were pushing and shoving to get to their classes. Soobin had a literature class first thing to which he left early for since he was naturally prompt to anything. He seats himself in the far back, left hand corner near the window, opening his bag to grab his books and his pens. He hated literature. Somehow he dragged himself through it every day and did extra study just to get high grades in his class. He gazes outside whilst the teacher reads the extracts for the class except usually, there isn’t anything that catches his eye except today but before he could even process what was happening, the teacher caught him out of focus. “Soobin, maybe you can read for the class since you know it already and instead, staring outside,” oh my god, why.

After his morning classes, the three sit outside together and Yeonjun leans back onto his hands groaning. “Soobin, are you free today to hang out at the park?” Soobin looks up to Yeonjun. “I don’t know, I have to practice at home and-” Arin interrupts Soobin. “What if you practice with me, your aunt won't know?” Soobin thinks for a moment. “You want me to lie to her?” He gulps hard. “well no, because if you bring your guitar out they wouldn’t suspect a thing, right?” Arin had a good point and it was a scheme he never thought of because of the fear of his aunt getting mad at him. “I’ll do that today then!” Soobin’s face brightened up from a dismal monotonous expression, to a smile that could cure anything. His aunt was kind but he wasn’t used to that kind of upbringing so instead of lying to her, he wanted to tell her the truth. After the break, it was math class and Soobin walked over to his class alone and was going to sit at his desk. He froze as he saw an unfamiliar face sitting at his desk, her expression as if she were a deer in headlights. She was neatly put together, a silver heart shaped hair pin keeping one side of her hair back and her belongings were neatly placed on the desk. Soobin felt too guilty asking her to move so he went to sit in front of her since that was the empty seat - she must’ve gotten confused. Soon after Soobin sat down, students were cramming through the doorway so they weren’t late. Luckily, his mathematics teacher was lenient to a couple to a few late comers, mistakes are a human action. As some students passed notes, whispered their answers and other gossip, Soobin was dazed glaring at the ticking clock that was timing every second that went by. He heard shuffling and a chair clawing at the floor which irritated him but Soobin wasn’t a person to get mad quickly though it did come from behind. The girl was straining her neck to look at the teacher’s answers and whatever notes were on the board. There was one of two things he could have done: either change seats or pass his notes back. He passed his notes back simply because he didn't want to disrupt the lesson but Soobin reminded himself to let her know to change seats with her. Coyly, Soobin turned around, moving the hair that perched above his eyes, and pushed the notebook towards this student to which she sat back in her chair and gave a cordial smile.

“Thank you,” she whispered, also attempting not to bring too much attention to herself. “I couldn’t see very well so thank you so much!”

Soobin nodded his head. “It’s okay, you’re in my seat anyway,” he was reluctant to just tell her but it was easier to just let her know so she didn’t have to suffer another neck cramp.

Ringing flooded the hallways simultaneously, so did the students. There was a tug on Soobin’s sweater which brought him to a halt; “i’m sorry I took your seat, someone pointed at one of them and I-” she was interrupted by Soobin himself.

“Hey, it’s fine, we’ll just swap next time okay?” his tone sounded sardonic although it wasn't his intention. “Oh okay, maybe I could buy you lunch?” she hesitated. “Straight up the hallway and take a left then up again and a right, that’s where the cafeteria is,” Soobin immediately knew she was a new student and needed time to adjust to the new environment.

“How did you know!” she gasped, hands over her ‘O’ shaped mouth. “It’s pretty obvious,”  the raven haired boy shrugs, smiles and departs from the maths classroom.

His phone glows a blue light back at him as he opens the text chat with his aunt; “would I be able to hang out with my friends today and have a one day break from practice please?” he messages her hoping she would be kind enough to say yes. His heart was beating tumultuously and he was indeed agitated from the plethora of emotions that swarmed his mind viciously.

“Of course my beloved nephew, you are so well behaved and old enough to go out and have a bit of fun! Just make sure you don’t go in your uniform okay?” Why weren’t my parents like this?

The new girl's energy stuck with him for the rest of the day. His friends were waiting for him at the park nearby the school since that’s where they usually hang out though Soobin had to make a quick stop home before meeting with them. Fortunately, he lived around 20 minutes away by foot, crossing a bridge that loomed over a river. It was at its most captivating moment for the flowers on the trees were blooming rapidly and often fell to the ground. Soobin would collect some petals and keep them in a box since dried flowers were far more memorable and longer lasting than fresh ones. With a sprint, he opened his door, stumbling over his own feet as he tried to get his shoes off and changed into something more fitting than his uniform; he was a simple boy so a white t-shirt and a pair of black joggers were enough for him. Click! The sound of the bluetooth earphone case closed and Soobin put them in to speed up his walk to the park. Meandering through the people around, the breeze travelled at a soft pace just like Soobin walked. Steadily and carefully, he made sure he was aware of his surroundings and greeted the kind couple who owned the bakery near the park. A large trunked oak tree grew so he could recognise the bakery from afar.

The off-white gazebo reflected the sun’s rays, it’s wide roof sheltering teenagers and even the elderly from the blazing sun during summer or the leaves and conkers that fell from the trees. Buzz! Soobin’s phone vibrated in his pocket; it was Yeonjun. “Yah, I told you not to take so long? Where are you?” he texted, it sounded a little passive aggressive but it was Yeonjun aggressively expressing his platonic admiration for him. “I’m nearly he-” Soobin collided with something. It was with great force which left him on the floor.

“Oh my, are you okay? I didn’t know my violin hit you that hard I-” a feminine voice spoke. It was familiar; the voice was feminine but not high pitched and animated yet had a soft sound to it. “Yeah, I’m- I’m fine don’t worry, the top of it just hit my eye? No my head? I don’t know,” he groaned. He feels her hand on his face though he didn’t feel quite comfortable with her touching his face so he gently brushed it off. “Don’t worry about it,” He had one eye open and the other under his palm. “How can I not worry!” she sounded rather aggravated rather than upset. “Are you being serious?” her voice changed from worry to annoyance. “Seriously, I can deal with it,” Soobin gets up and walks away towards the gazebo where Yeonjun, Arin and another friend Beomgyu sit together eating snacks from the convenience store.

“I see you met her,” Arin greets. “Who? Violin, seat stealer?” Soobin looks at Arin bewildered yet keen to know more. “Yeah that’s the new girl, y/n, she transferred recently from her old school no one really knows why,” Arin shrugs whilst offering a peach slice. “Right, let’s not talk about her right now…” Soobin sighs. “What? How can I not? She’s with us, we told her you’re coming with your guitar,” I forgot my guitar, now what. “Ah, well I was assaulted with that violin of hers.” A patch above his eye reddens. Yeonjun points above Soobin’s eye; “what happened?” he reaches out to touch it but Soobin flinches. “Just a series of unfortunate events,” Soobin shrugs and sits down.

Everything happens for a reason from the small sprout of a flower to the wither and decay of another. Soobin thought he was just a mere side character in Yeonjun’s buoyant life; he looked up to Yeonjun a lot since he was something he lacked. Yeonjun was a vivacious person who was talented in many areas such as sport and art. He was outgoing and friendly to almost everyone he encountered which reminded Soobin of the first time he met Yeonjun. They were both 12 years old and there was a football tournament that was between two schools. Soobin was on one team and Yeonjun was on the opposing team though Soobin wasn’t very good at sport. During the game Soobin tripped over and fell many times due to his clumsiness however, Yeonjun helped him everytime and was caring towards him. Their friendship sparked from there on as Yeonjun invited him to his 11th birthday party and they have been so close since.

y/n walked towards the group that were sitting under the gazebo and  put down her violin case in front of her.

“Thanks for inviting me to hang out with your guys! It means a lot to me since I don’t know many people here,” her cheeks were tainted a pinkish hue since she was both flustered from earlier and from the beaming sun. “i nothing, really, Yeonjun and Soobin did the same when I was pretty lonely,” Arin nudged Yeonjun. “All thanks to me, i know  i know,” Yeonjun turned an awkward situation into a light hearted joke which uplifted Soobin by the slightest. “So what do you do y/n, actually where did you used to go?” Yeonjun asked and Soobin remained quiet. He didn’t know whether it was due to being closed off to new people or whether he just didn’t want to speak. “Oh I used to go to the school that was passed the crossroads about half an hour from here but I moved because of personal problems over there nothing too major,” she let out a weak laugh. “I play the violin though and I have ever since I went to see the first ever music competition when I was younger, music just moves me,” she glances at Soobin as he just nods to her words. “How about you Soobin, what do you do?” a bit too specific how she chose to talk to me… “ oh I play the piano and the guitar that’s about all though,” Soobin was very shy to new people and didn’t know how to start opening up and talking to people. Yeonjun broke the barrier himself which was a skill no one else had. “That’s cool! I would love to see you play some time,” y/n suggests which causes some dismay within Soobin but he nods kindly. “Soobin is so picky with who he plays for,” Arin teases him. “That’s not why I-” Soobin stops himself, what if he said something wrong? “Don’t worry.”

The park began to quieten down as parents and their children departed for the evening. Young couples and elderly couples would walk together hand in hand with the pure essence of love and adoration emitting from their hearts. Yeonjun left first  to arrive home to assist his parents in preparing dinner, Arin left soon after since she had to study for a test, it was only Soobin and y/n left behind. “Are you doing anything this evening?” y/n asks as she props her violin bag on her back and brushes the back of her dress down. “Oh probably not, i’ll be helping my aunt at her restaurant,” he nods, forcing a smile since the atmosphere became extremely awkward. “That’s nice! How about your parent’s? Will you be joining them for dinner?” Soobin stood, the forced smile dropping instantly. “No, i won’t please don’t ask again,” he grabs his belongings and turns around leaving her behind. Y/n stood in shock, unsure of what she did; “hey! Soobin wait!” He runs after him with the violin hitting her back. She trips over a pothole in the grass, which was dug up by a dog or a fox, and grazes her knee. Soobin stopped and turned around to see y/n on the ground with a grazed knee and what sounded like y/n struggling to breathe. Was she that eager to stop me? “Hey, are you okay?” he jogs over feeling guilty. “I’m f-fine, i’m fine,” she heaves to desperately, “i-i’m sorry,” she wheezes. “Don’t worry about that, are you okay? your condition seems to be deteriorating?” He helped her up since no one else was around and the sun began to graze the horizon. After a few sips of water and sitting up straight on a nearby bench with Soobin accompanying her, she felt better. “Thanks for not abandoning me, leaving me to suffer,” she nods. “When you put it in that way, it’s like I wanted to kill you,” Soobin leans back into the bench. “Are you okay to get home?” he asks hesitantly. She nods, not exchanging words with him. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” He stands up. “I go that way too,” she points at the direction Soobin was facing. What does the universe want from me? “Oh well, we can walk together if you want to?”. Y/n stands up and begins walking along side Soobin.

Y/n wasn’t always as outgoing and bubbly as she was now. She was shy and reserved and didn’t speak out much thus being a victim of bullying when she was younger. Although it wasn’t any type of bullying such as name calling, it was much more serious to the point where foul words and violence diminished her self esteem and confidence to fight back. For 6 years she suffered abuse from her previous school to which it was compulsory to leave since her life was in danger. Her unfortunate fate also led her to be hospitalised a few months for an unknown condition which continued to weaken as time passed and was detrimental to her health. Transferring schools and starting fresh was something she wished to do just in case she didn’t have long  left which therefore allowed her to become more outgoing and elated than she was before. To her, Soobin mirrored where she was before although he had secrets she didn’t know just like herself. She wanted to live life with no regrets and so she began …

Y/n stopped at a small shop, “this is where I live,” she alerts Soobin so he didn’t have to wait for her. Soobin’s eyes scanned the area; a small bakery next door to a convenience store and a block of apartments directly next door. “Must be very useful to have a convenience store and a bakery nearby,” he says. “It is, my father owns the convenience store which is useful,” y/n taps the code into the entrance door. “I’ll see you soon,” she waves, smiling ear to ear. She was on the brink of fainting and in pain but it was as if it never happened.

Soobin didn’t understand her although curiosity consumed him. He wanted to understand her but he also felt like he knew everything he could ever know about her. Maybe he should give her a chance?

He pondered outside of the store before he turned around, clutching onto his bag strap and walking home on his own. The setting suns rays reflected onto the glossy river, shooting back up to the sky. He stood at the bridge inhaling the air sharply.

The following day Soobin takes the same route to school and he sees her waiting outside the store with two drinks. “hey, i thought you’d take the other route!” She passed one to Soobin. Tonelessly, Soobin retrieved the milky drink from her; it was already pierced through for him and he sipped at it whilst walking along side her.

“How was your evening yesterday? did you have a good dinner? how was the homework? I found the maths task really hard, did you? i need help on it, want to study with me later” Her animated nature was quite much for Soobin to bear.

“o-oh well I,” he begins choking up on his drink.

“oh! i’m so sorry!” She pauses and pats Soobins back. Soobin exchanges some glances with her, his ears burning from embarrassment.

“You have a lot to say, I can barely keep up just slow down,” he mumbles exasperatedly.

Soobin needed some time getting used to the violinist.

She would follow him everywhere he went; to the cafeteria, the rooftop, to the library or the basketball court. Wherever he was, she was. Her buoyance was somewhat invigorating to Soobin since he spent most of his life in isolation, studying alone all the time. He didn't have hobbies he enjoyed so she did all she could to bring out his playfulness. Of course, she hasn’t succeeded yet but Yeonjun and Arin have hope in her.

The library was quiet today. There were a couple students dotted around the room with their heads engrossed into their textbooks. “Soobin, this way I like this seat!” She drags him at his shirt sleeve. “w-wow slow down, this is a library not a running track,” Soobin sounded irritated but she didn’t care, she tried and was patient with him. “I got some snacks for us from the store, Yeonjun told me you like sausage, bread and banana or strawberry milk so I got everything!” Her smile went from one ear to the other, the aura she emitted being warm and gentle. She cared. “oh, thanks.” Soobin nodded as he started biting his lips. “hey stop that!” her fingers brush against his lips as she swats his hands away. Soobin’s cheeks redden and his heart race quickens. He strikes her hand away from his face; “ you can just ask or leave me be, you dont need to touch me,” His demeanour changes ever so slightly, he seemed unreadable. “ you wanted help with math, so let’s start from there.” He was stern and serious with her now but a spark of guilt hit him where it hurt. His guardians were exactly this way to him, no play or enjoyment, just study and work. She sat quietly listening to Soobin teach her until 2 hours into the study, Soobin checked his watch. “i’m leaving now,” he stands up packing his bags. “oh okay,” she gulps and clears her throat, “i’m sorry by the way, I didn’t mean to invade your space.” she frowns, her lips trembling and her voice cracking as she speaks. Soobin realises what he had done; “i’m sorry for reacting that way.” he said clearly and loud enough for her to hear before departing from her.

S: did i got too far? did i hurt her? that was so awful of me why did i say that and why did i react like that! i feel bad… maybe i should do something to apologise….

The following day, Soobin arrived to his class early. He left a strawberry carton milk box and a cinnamon roll on her desk, it’s the least he could do. Yeonjun arrived and then Arin followed by she did not arrive at the same time. Soobin waited. 1st period went by and she still didn't arrive.

“Arin, do you know where she is?” Soobin asked his friend.

“uhh i think she told me she’s arriving in period 2, so now - oh look, there she is!” Arin waves at the girl and Soobins cheeks go red. She looks at the items on her desk and back at him before sitting down although the expression was only a slight smile.

Once the class ended, she turned around to Soobin.

“so you got these to apologise me me right?” her raised brow felt as if she was taunting Soobin. He didn't respond because of the sheer embarrassment he’d feel. “it’s okay you’re forgiven, i was trying to be nice to you maybe  you should loosen up a bit” she pokes him.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe the world would be a little bit different if he didn’t act so closed off.

“are you free after? we can hang out for a bit?” she asks and she takes a small bite into the cinnamon roll he gave her. Soobin thought about it before answering.

“sure.”

and from then on everything began to change.

The weather was warm, the sun beaming down to Soobin as they both walked side by side. She skips down the pavement as she smiles hard; she was so happy today but Soobin thought this was just how she is. “hey let’s go to this café!” she points at a minimal, white and green coffee and cake shop. She had a sweet tooth by the looks of it. Soobin kept looking at his watch, slightly frenzied. He didn't want his aunt to think he wasn’t studying or that he wasn't practicing despite giving up on his guitar and piano lessons and not going back. He walked into the store, the interior decorated with green plants, white and wooden furniture along with a piano in the corner. “Lets go order before we sit down, I really like the strawberry latte they do here, the caramel latte with cream is really good too,” she went on about her favourite menu items and Soobin listened. He paid attention to what she said and took the time to get to know her. Soobin situated himself in a corner that was away from the door, in a small nookish area secluded from the rest of the shop. This was because of the piano. He glares at the piano and all the memories come back from his childhood of his mother and how harrowing his aunt and uncle were. He covers his hands slightly, clearing his throat and takes a long sip of his drink as she watches the liquid go down in moments.

“woah, you were thirsty… at this rate you’ll need another drink! why dont you try this matcha cake?” She cuts off a piece on the fork and holds it up. Soobin looked at her for a moment, her eyes large, glittery and glossy in the shop's lighting; her cheeks were a light pinkish hue from the warmth. He didn't know whether to eat from the fork or take it from her but something told him to just let her be. He leaned forward, his mouth agape, taking the small portion of the cake into his mouth as his rosy lips grazed the fork.

“mm, this is quite nice,” it was the first time Soobin smiled over something so trivial. She didn't say anything and let it be, she liked seeing Soobin smile for the first time.

–

“Can you play that?” you ask.

“what the piano?” Soobin tenses up slightly.

“yeah? you seem to be studying or practising something so it’s worth asking,”

Soobin stares at you hesitant in his response to you. Does he confess his conflicted love for music or does he lie?

“ I practice guitar and piano, my aunt makes me,” his eyes avoid any eye contact with you.

Without words being said, you grab his had setting a tsunami of emotions through Soobin. His cheeks flare up a cardinal red, his throat becoming tight from the anxiousness he endured within those few seconds.

“Play something!” you lean against the piano, keen to listen to Soobin and his hidden talents.

Soobin was nervous. The palms of his hands were speckled with sweat; he dragged them onto his thighs to dry them before taking a deep breath though the more he inhaled the less he felt he could breathe. However, the moment his delicate fingers descended onto the piano keys, everyone’s eyes shot towards the boy at the piano, his head hanging low as he avoided eye contact.

That was the day that you were able to change Soobin’s passion and what he loved.

Once he finished his piece, the café applauded him for his efforts and praised him for his talents. “see I knew you’d be so good!” You praised him too. Soobin smiled and felt something he hadn’t felt for a long time ever since his parents passed away. “It felt nice to perform without the weight of the world on my shoulders,” Soobin sat down and shyly looked down. He felt proud of himself that he could perform without his aunt at his throat everyday or every minor mistake.

Months went by where you and Soobin spent almost all your time together. You helped Soobin crawl out of his shell slowly and allowed him to be comfortable with himself. You were relieved. The Soobin you once saw a long time ago is back although his smile was brighter than the stars on a summer night. He felt happy. He was happy.

Soobin waited for you at the bus stop near the school entrance to walk in with you along with Arin and Yeonjun. “did she tell you she’d be here or even come in today Soobin?” Arin asks Soobin rather sceptical about the situation.

“yes! she said to wait here, she’ll probably be here any moment…” Soobin insisted.

“well.. we are getting late …” Arin shrugs.

“Arin you can go in first, just tell the teachers that we’re running late and … make up an excuse or something you’re good at that!” Yeonjun ousted her away so she wouldn't complain anymore.

He waited for you until he couldn't wait any longer and sent you a message.

Your phone buzzed on the bedside table, the dripping of the IV becoming oddly louder every second that went by, the nurses muttering behind the curtains. Was I going to die? Why did no one tell me anything? You tried to reach over to your phone accidentally knocking over the water glass onto the floor alerting the nurses. “Oh my goodness are you okay sweetheart?” The main nurse exclaims in shock.

“uh.. oh yes ma’am I’m fine I tried to reach for my phone and I knocked it over i’m so sorry..” you say quietly feeling like a nuisance even in the hospital. You sighed to yourself.

“It’s time for some tests, are you okay for us to take you to another room?” A nurse asks politely. Her tone sounded sickly sweet; it was sympathy. She felt sorry for a sick patient like  you although you really didn’t want this sort of attention at all. You sat in the wheelchair they provided since your body was too weak from the medication that you have been taking and sat in another room awaiting for scans and a bunch of other medical things. You wondered when you’d get better. 

Soobin: Hey are you okay? did you decide to skip today

Your fingers hovered over the letters wondering what to say...

You: haha! of course I did.. live life a little right! 

You lied to Soobin and it felt gut wrenching.

You were in and out of hospital every few months and sometimes for weeks which began to concern Soobin. He messaged you every time asking where you were and whether you were going to practice with him, but it was the same thing every single time.

Soobin: where have you been lately? you keep bailing on me and I don't know why can you please give me a proper reason?

You began to type.

You: I'm sorry I keep changing plans and things like that but

Soobin: But?

You: I’ve been in and out of the hospital a lot more than usual. My condition has gotten worse over time but the doctors and taking good care of me and making sure I'm all okay! so don't worry !!

You tried to make it sound like it was a good thing but in what world did that sound right?

Soobin: what! what do you mean the hospital? why didn't you tell us! I'm telling the others and we are on our way.

You: don't worry too much, I promise I'll be fine.

__

From then on Soobin visited you every single day along with Yeonjun or Arin or even both. They brought you your favourite snacks and foods and made sure you were okay which was really nice. You had hope everything will be fixed and you would feel better soon. Little did you know, your health was deteriorating further, becoming more severe to the point where you had to drop out of school for a full recovery. 

__

You gazed out of the window of your room in the hospital, sitting on the edge of the bed holding the steamed bun Soobin just dropped off to you. It was still warm. It reminded you how cold Soobin used to be and how warm and kind he was now since all he needed was some attention and some care. He was just as broken as you were and you were glad to piece him back together and make him the person he is. Yeonjun sent you a video; you lift your phone up and press play on the video of Soobin busking with a bright smile. You let a butterfly free from it’s enclosure and he was graceful as ever. The song he played was a love song and your ignorance didn't realise the song Soobin was singing was in fact for you. You mixed up the message conveyed through what Yeonjun sent thinking he was confessing his adoration and love for you.

You: that was really cute Yeonjun but I have feelings for someone else.

From here on, things got complicated. Yeonjun told Soobin what you said and Soobin felt hurt. From a minor misunderstanding Soobin felt distraught and pained so he sat on his bed that evening thinking that he shouldn't have told Yeonjun to send that video at all. He shrugged it off as much as he could. Soobin didn’t deny to himself now that he had fallen for you and it was evident he was deep into he feelings. He assured himself. it’ll be fine if he didn’t mention it anymore until you mentioned it to him.

__

Spring returned in the new year and the blossoms were blooming again. You sat from your hospital bed watching the petals float around gracefully in the gentle breeze as you began to write pages and pages of empty words, your aching hand cramping up. Your joints were sore from writing so much though there wasn't much to do than take your medication and listen to the nurse be overly nice to you. You reminisced about the times you danced carelessly through the floating petals, the smell of freshly cut grass that made you sneeze at times, or when you sat under the gazebo with your friends. It was true bliss. You regretted the times you took everything for granted, all the joy that you felt then, you felt in the moment and now... it was just memories that would be erased at some point. You seal the envelope with the stickers Arin gave you and put it in the draws next to you. You sigh.

“hello?” you hear a faint whisper.

“hey Soobin,” you smile, excited to see him.

“ I got you some fresh bread because I know you like them!” he smiles as he puts them down on the table. “are you doing okay?” he asks with concern.

“much better,” you smile at him, his large tapioca eyes glossing slightly as he softly pats your arm.

“I’m here with my aunt on my way to a recital, I'll send you videos!” 

Soobin was considerate. He made sure you weren’t alone and were entertained. You felt comfortable even if you were at your worst, he made sure you were feeling the best although Soobin felt some sort of affliction after what Yeonjun showed him. It was fine since he cared about you so much that it didn't even matter.

__

April 23rd.

Soobin visits you again but this time you wanted to ask him for a favour. “Soobin,” you begin, “I want to go outside.”

“outside? are you allowed?” His eyes widen.

“kinda, help me up,” you ask him, his hand firmly gripping onto your frail shoulders so you didn't fall and the other around you so you didn't stumble. You and Soobin waddle slowly out of the room into the courtyard like area.

You grip onto the envelope tightly. “I missed feeling the sun and the breeze like this, it’s so refreshing!”

“It is, spring is my favourite season. Not too hot, not too cold,”He leaned back into the bench. “we miss you at school you know,” he turned to you, your face draining of its colour. 

“yeah, it really sucks that I'm sick but it’ll get better and we can hang out again just like this,” you inhale deeply, sighing. 

“I hope you do, we should go back to that café again with the piano and we could duet together! and take Arin and Yeonjun too!” Soobin sounded excited.

Your energy remained low but Soobin didn’t mind. He understood how tired you must have been. “oh I have this by the way, open it on your birthday!” you say clearing your throat.

“that’s a bit early isn’t it?” Soobin questions you slightly confused.

“I might still be recovering or still getting treatment so I might not have time to get you something, just keep it’ you say before standing up alone.

You regretted it. Your head felt dizzy and you felt faint. Your condition had worsened over time and you missed your medication to which you fainted collapsing to the group. The last thing you heard was Sobbing yelp, shouting for help as he tried to take you back to your hospital room.

__ 

Your condition was critical now and visitors were only allowed if they were close family such as parents or siblings. Soobin blamed himself that day since he broke the rules and suffered the consequences. Maybe his aunt was right, we have to always follow rules or someone will get hurt. Soobin messaged you day after day although you had no strength to answer him. You tried although the conversations were short although despite that, Soobin told you everything including the little black cat that you guys would always see. you missed being with him. Though your body began to shut down slowly and doctors would do everything they could to keep you stable. The beeping got to you. The constant

beep

beep

beep

beep

It made you impatient. 

__

December rolls around and Soobin’s birthday approaches. He opens the envelope excitedly to see what the gift was from you since he couldn't see you in person. 

“ Dear Soobin,

I’m truly sorry I had to wish you a happy birthday like this however I knew that around now I wasn't going to make it. You may wonder what I mean by that and no I don't mean I'm simply missing your birthday but because of my condition. 

My condition has been shutting my body down making me weak. At any moment I could hurt myself so that’s why I had to stay in my confined space at the hospital. The view is nice although the food did not taste good at all - except for the food you brought me thank you. By now you must’ve done a lot; met up with Yeonjun and Arin, been to more recitals, practiced playing your guitar and piano more - just living your life happily as you should have been. You’re lucky to have this life, cherish it. I wish I had enough time to enjoy everything but being stuck to a bed for almost 3 months makes you feel like a zombie if I'm really honest. 

I’m sorry I lied about being okay and that the doctors would somehow fix me but the condition was unfixable from the start. The medication only slowed it down and yet it still felt like I was disintegrating. However, I wanted to mention something I should have a really long time ago.

I really really liked you. Not a simple platonic like. You made my heart yearn to see you more, to be with you more. You were the reason why I kept trying and pushing harder because I liked you so much. I guess you could call it love but I felt awkward telling you because Yeonjun sent me your busking video of that one love song which I assumed he was confessing to me with but I liked you. You were the only one in my heart and I would die with you in my heart. I felt like you wanted to stay as friends so I kept it to myself but whenever you are reading this, I’m sorry if it's too late.

[...]

By now I don’t think I would have made it but don't worry, we would meet again under the gazebo in spring, you have to promise me that. I just want you to know you did a lot to make me happy and I’m glad we could be in each others lives so thank you for making it better. 

I hope you have Happy birthday and enjoy your day with Arin snd Yeonjun. I will miss you forever...

Lots of love,

....”

Soobin froze. No tears, no reaction. What did he just read? was this a prank? It couldn’t be... “she can’t have left me, I didn't tell her!” he yells. Yeonjun’s head shoots up from his phone. “what’s wrong?” He locks eyes with Soobin, teary eyed Soobin, grasping the letter in his hands.

“d-did you know she was sick?” his voice cracks.

“what? no! I didn't, what's happening?” Yeonjun’s confusion frustrates Soobin.

“she’s gone... she was sick for a long time and she’s gone and she didn't tell us.. and I didn't tell her what I wanted to,” he immediately breaks down.

Yeonjun also froze at the news. “She left without telling us so we wouldn't be hurt but told you because she-”

“she loved me back.” Soobin buries his head into his hands “she felt the same and she thought you liked her and I didn't,”

Soobin was hysterical. He couldn't control his emotions despite Yeonjun attempting to calm him down.

__

He didn’t want to let go just yet. He overcame his fears and stepped over oceans in order to vanquish the corroding fear he sustained. But when he, pitiable soul, attempted to finally reached his hand out, it was too late; the tenuous little butterfly flew far away, never to be seen again. The shattering pain like shards of glass piercing through his heart causing calamity to himself was too much to bear though the butterfly, that flew far far away, was now distant from the pain they endured, living peacefully waiting for him to arrive under the gazebo during spring.

The warmish rays of the autumn sun beamed gracefully through the towering windows in your spacious cafeteria as you and your friends conversed about your summer and reminisced about the fun you all had. A cushioned booth that seated at least 6 of you was perfect for you and your friends as you leaned back into the booth, knees pressing against the round, creamish table in front of you. Han, Hyunjin and Yeji had been your friends since the age of 16; they’ve seen you at your highs and lows, your best and worst and yet they stayed with you and treated you like someone incredibly special to them. They were the best friends you asked for and they had, without fail, made sure everyone was treated equally with lots of love and adoration. It was staggering to you how you all grew up together and attended the same university too, though it was comforting - despite knowing you wouldn't see them all the time as you would in school - but that was okay. They all took a course suited them best spotlighting their talents; Han took literature with a combined English degree, Hyunjin took fine art with a year abroad and Yeji took graphic design. However, they all pursued something they wanted a career in, something they enjoyed…except for you. You were denied entry for criminology since your grades and entry points did not add up to the requirements so it was Communication that you had to choose because your points aligned with the requirements. The disappointment was spiteful but it was out of your control to change it now.

The ice in your plastic cup brushed up against each other, rattling, as you swirled the watery coffee as you and your dear friends talked about summer and all the things they got up to; Hyunjin opened an Etsy shop, Yeji managed to complete a course during summer to increase her skills to get a job and Han had been relentlessly writing in his charcoal grey notebook with his chewed pen slipped into the spine. The 4 of you spoke together as the ice in your cup melted further before Hyunjin had to leave for his class. “oh yeah you reminded me that I had a class too!” you pounce up grabbing your bag and cup before waddling past Yeji to get out of the booth.

“I finish my classes at 6pm today,” Yeji frowned as she opened her arms to give you a hug.

“oh my god no! that’s so long, you can do it though and if you want us to wait we can,” you offer as she waves her hands gesturing not to.

“We’ll message you later, good luck on your classes!” Han bounces his leg as he waves you and Hyunjin goodbye.

You take a sip of your coffee as you open the large, tan doors to your lecture room before the professor arrives. You take a seat; The theatre was ample with elevated ceilings. It was bigger than you expected but you played it safe and sat close to the front of the room,5 rows up, 3 seats down so it was easier for you to dash out. The faint, bitter, diluted taste of coffee was repulsive since the water weakened the caffeine that you needed for that energy boost for a 9am class. It was completely diluted now and there is no use in drinking it. What a shame you couldn’t finish it before the class. Other people begin to fill up the room although your row remains empty. It was relieving. You gently place your phone on the table and scroll through your social media to kill some time before your professor comes in.

You felt a tap on the table before your head shot up in dismay, your skin going slightly pale since you didn't know a single soul in the class - yet.

He clears his throat. “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here ?” pointing at the seat next to you.

“Oh, yeah-” you realised what you said “OH NO I mean no, sorry,” your ears flared up red but from the corner of your eye the person sat down and put his headphones around his neck. Your eyes scan across the row and there was no one but you and him. Regardless, you embarrassed yourself to the first person who actually spoke to you.

“You seemed a little bit lonely, I hope you don’t mind” He smiled. He seemed incredibly sweet so you let it pass. You unconsciously picked up on certain features like the dimple on the left side of his cheek, his walnut locks perched at his eyebrows and his lips were full and were a pinkish hue like a strawberry bonbon.

“I’m Chan by the way, it’s rude of me not introducing myself and then invading your personal space” he lets out an endearing giggle. Your ears began to burn up again with embarrassment. Did you really give such an aura? your semi dry throat croaks slightly before you clear it again.

“Ah no no, you didn’t.Thank you for the company Chan!” you nervously chuckled as your thumb picks at your cuticle.

The energy you created was tense and you felt nervous but he seemed to be very gentle and calm with you and your nerves. He seemed… really nice.

“and you are?” he attempts to persevere with the conversation. You felt a wave of awkwardness and cringe dissipate through your body before you turned your head to him to respond.

“oh yeah of course i’m [YN]” you nod as you give a polite smile.

“It's very nice to meet you, I hope we can become friends over the course,” his gentle tone sounded sincere and honest, it was comforting and refreshing.

You felt deflated after 2 hours of your first ever class and wanted to head off to the rooftop cafe that looked over the campus, so you latched onto your bag strap and briskly tried to head off alone without any more conversation. “Hey, what other classes are you in?” Chan asks. It was obvious he was starting a conversation with you because he wanted to know you better and of course you couldn’t be open with him just yet. Sharing schedules wouldn’t hurt though?

“Oh, well i’m in seminar class A i think that should be the only different thing on everyone's schedules?” You turn to him leaving a gap in between. He inches closer; “I'm a bit confused about how to know what my class is?” he shows his screen on his phone. You carefully examine his timetable and pinpoint the class he's in.

A deafening silence flooded your mind.

“Oh great! We can always go to class together, if you don’t mind,” he smiles again both his dimples appearing.You nodded your head before he walked around to leave but stopped to turn around; “I hope we can be friends!”

That would be nice.

–

A few months go by. You and Chan became closer since he was the only one in the class that cared about the subject and understood it at the same level as you. You studied together often whenever you had the time and met up outside of campus with him and your other friends. Chan and your friends got along extremely well and he treated each one of them as he would a close friend.

Hyunjin and Yeji organised a small gathering to get to know Chan better.

[Online]

You: I was wondering, why dont we go out sometime?

Chan: that sounds good to me

Yeji: woow this is the first time I heard you say that?! but of course!!

Hyunjin is typing

Hyunjin: Sounds good to me!

You: okie, we can go to the one near my house?

Han: sure thing, 7pm tonight, lets go.

You: that was so straight up but okay lmaoo

Everyone agrees in unison and so that evening you, Chan and your friends were hanging out again. The night felt like a blur to you. A lot happened at once but what you could remember was Chan asking you if you were okay every minute and making sure you didn’t feel too overwhelmed. He didn’t drink a lot, perhaps only two drinks but it seemed to you that he was a heavy weight. Only Chan, You and Yeji were sober, however Han and Hyunjin visited another universe that night…

“Why does my brother have to embarrass me like that!” Yeji whines as Hyunjin anchors her down. Chan helps Yeji put Hyunjin into her car.

“I did not expect him to-”

“be like this? yeah never put him and Han in one room.. a competition every time!” Yeji groans in disappointment. “put the other one in the back as well i’ll take him home too but he’s going to get a slap from me tomorrow!”

You and Chan slip out a laugh in unison before looking at each other, stupefied.

“Well, I’ll be off, Yeji, I’ll see you soon, good luck with those two…” you giggle before waving goodbye.

“Hey, don’t leave without me,” Chan runs after you, the side of his arm brushing against yours slightly.

“Oh, you live this way too?” you ask him slightly staggered that he was walking in the same direction.

“Oh, no I don’t but I am in no way letting you walk alone in the dark,” he shakes his head. You felt his body lean into yours before his hands placed themselves on your shoulders to move you away from the road. It didn't faze you in the moment but it truly did mean a lot.

“Where do you live then?” you ask him, tilting your head to the side.

“I live in a student apartment complex too but it’s not your one, it’s the one that’s opposite the convenience store,” you instantly knew where he was talking about. It was a 10 minute walk from your place so it wasn’t far at all.

The breeze was gentle, gliding through the leaves that rustled above your head as you walked contently next to Chan as he talked about his experiences in his flat - it was not sounding pleasant at all!

“Oh.. that does not sound fun at all I’m so sorry! Just know you can come over anytime just drop me a text and i’ll be down,” you nudge his shoulder playfully instantly becoming bashful.

He chuckles softly, it was the half giggle half chuckle that you found endearing. “thank you, I will keep a note of that. Feel free to ask me out whenever, my flatmates are awful so I wouldn't want to bring you around,” he shakes his head, tsking at the comment he made.

“a-ask out?” you thought to yourself, a sheer wave of panic inundating you. He didn't mean that way.

“Well Chan, if you need an escape I'm always here…” you smile, assuring him some sort of freedom from his flatmates.

What was that? That foreign feeling in your stomach?

“thank you so much, you’re the first person to actually offer that and care about how I feel, thank you,” he looks down smiling in appreciation before he lowers himself to the ground.

“wow, hey are you okay?” you stop your hand before it touches his brunette curls. You inspect to see what he was doing and you feel his fingers on your shoelace. Your body is set into panic.

“Hey! you don’t need to do that,” you squeal in embarrassment.

“hey, listen, it’s fine,” he swats your hand away. You were completely dumbfounded to say the least.

–

The crispness of the air was nostalgic to the days when you were younger, around 9 years old, when you and Yeji used to play in the park together despite your fingers freezing into icicles. You vividly remember when you, Yeji and Hyunjin used to play at the top of the play trail before a young boy climbed up to the top and was startled that there were people there and started crying - that was how you all met Han.November had emerged. The temperature plummeted drastically which was a shock to you yet you felt reminiscent of your youth. The blanket on your lap accumulated warmth as you fiddled with the corner because the soft material was satisfying to touch. You sat at your desk, gazing out of your window on a bleak evening as the sun wanes at the horizon setting to let the entrancing moon set itself directly outside your window, a mighty breeze  perforates the warmth of your bedroom through a crevice at your window since you forgot to close it fully. Your room had the perfect view of the moon, especially when it sat high and mighty beaming its pearly luminescence. Your eyes were almost magnetised to such a simple thing but it felt like home to you since the moon was the only thing that gave you comfort when you were alone.

You reached over to your phone to cure your boredom and decided to message Chan.

You: Hey, what are you doing?

Chan: Nothing right now, my flatmates are burning something in the kitchen and honestly being irritating.

You: Well, you’re free to come over if you want to. I’m only doing some of my assignment

Chan: Oh yeah! If you don’t mind I'll be on my way in like 15… thank you

You were caught by surprise at the instantaneous reply yet you felt gratified that he was keeping you company as well as letting him escape from his flatmates from hell.

20 long minutes go by and you get a text from Chan that he’s downstairs. You take the elevator down and scan your keycards to open the security doors to let him in. “Wow, your place is so much nicer…” he looked around mouth, slightly parted in awe.

You push the ashy grey door to your room revealing a heaven-like scene - to Chan. Everything was a simple white, from your bedding to your blinds to the accessories that decorate your walls. He scans the room; the white, flower fairy lights adorned the headboard of your bed along with the outskirts of the window frame, draping down the sides to create an heavenly atmosphere. Your room was comfortable to him and he instantly felt at home.

“It’s so peaceful here,” he lays on your bed as he turns his head to the window. “Wow, it must be so nice here, you really made this place so homely.” he smiles.

you giggle, “seems to me you’ve made yourself at home,” you say as you push his legs aside so you could sit down too. There was a brief silence as Chan turned his head to look at you with his sleepy eyes, your eyes felt as if they were bolted to him before you shook yourself back.

Chan inhales sharply. “Well I have my laptop too so we can actually be productive because trying to study in my flat is so shit,” he scoffs as he pulls his laptop out of his bag. You follow by standing up and moving to your desk, resting your knees against the desk for comfort.

He leans against the white wall whilst sitting cross legged on your bed. His eyes were fixated on his screen; he was focused and the quiet allowed him to focus. As you sit at your desk, you rummage through the last draw of your desk;

“Hey Chan, did you want a drink and some snacks, I have a few things here,” you grab a few different ones for him to choose.

Chan’s heart was warm and he felt like he met a friend just as genuine as himself, as selfless and caring as himself. It was surreal to him. Everything was starting off strong and you were grateful. Who would’ve thought that you and a mere friend would be studying together with the scintillating orb that gleaming into your bedroom. Everything just felt perfect.

–

The new year is thought to be filled with goals and ambitions that ought to be fulfilled by the end of the year. You thought it was stupid. To you, it meant more deadlines which were incredibly close together from your most difficult units. You and Chan sat at a library, he had an energy drink and you had your coffee next to your laptop, it was very clear that you both would talk all night instead of actually getting any work done. You prod Chan’s hand to attain his attention, his deep brown eyes looking up to focus on yours instead of the screen he had been staring at for the last 35 minutes;

“Chan,” you call his name in a hushed tone. He peeks above his screen and pushes one of his headphones back from his ear. “Yeah? Are you alright, do you need help with anything?” he asked, heedfully listening to what you had to say.

It had been a few months and you wondered why he spent 90% of his time with you. Was it because you were his only friend? It couldn’t be right? He’d always help you with your work and always give his notes to you and wait for you, it didn't matter where or what the weather was. You wondered for a while and thought you’d ask him the question whilst it was just you and him together so you gathered your courage to ask.

“you almost always hang out with me all the time and talk to me and share literally everything with me… why?” it almost sounded like you were putting yourself down and you had to admit a small percentage were the pure insecurities talking. Why did he even like you in the first place?

The question was striking to him. He blinked blankly at you and titled his head, scrunching his forehead as he thought about the question, his lips slightly pouted. “ No reason, I just think you’re nice to hang around, you’re a nice person,” he smiles again. That sickly sweet smile. That’s when you felt it again but this time it was different from the last. The breathlessness, the pains within your chest, the burning ears. It couldn’t be the feeling of embarrassment, it was much more than that.

“Oh right, I was just curious because you always talk to me and message me and wait for me and -” you pause for a moment to see his expression. It was a softish smile, his features so gentle; “slow down, don't worry, you’re just a really really nice person and I enjoy hanging out with you”

You nod at his response. It sounded so simple yet you felt like it had more meaning to it, like an iceberg. You remained silent after his response attempting to process what you were feeling.

“now let's get some work done, we are not good study buddies!” He prods the surface of your hand before your fingers close inwards instinctively.

Your cheeks burn a crimson along with the tips of your ears, panic settling in for no reason. “O-oh um i’ll be back, i’m just going to the bathroom,” you point, nervously breathy laugh escapes your lips before you push the chair back and speed walk to the nearest bathroom.

Your hand lingered over your chest, your forehead forming tiny specks of sweat that would race down your face. This was abnormal. Your heart felt like a rock anchoring you down but you had to compose yourself. you didn't want chan to feel like he was a problem because he really wasn't. He was nothing but sweet and selfless. You inhaled sharply and exhaled slowly and gathered your emotions and walked back out. You hoped Chan didn’t think you left upset or worse, abandoned him.

You walk back to the corner you were both sitting in, your legs feeling like jelly, and sit yourself down in front of him. His thick lips were pouty and a rosy hue, his hair was messy from ruffling it and his eyes were droopy as if he were to drift away whilst he looks down at his notes, hand on head, processing what he wrote but he seemed so gentle at this moment, like a sleepy puppy. Your fingers twitch to move his stray hairs away from his face before his eyes glance at you and you retrieve your fingers. “are you alright? you went away for a while?” He asks with a concerned tone.

“oh dont worry I just felt a bit sick,”

“sick! we should get you home!” he sits up alert.

“Wait, no! not sick… I think I'm just tired. It’s fine Chan don't worry,” you tut, clearing your throat as you sit up straight adjusting your posture.

“we’ll go in an hour from now,”

The remaining time there was awkward yet spending your time with him was enjoyable as if you didn't want that moment to end at all.

–

You were desk bound again because of your assignment deadlines that were close. You rest your elbow on your desk, leaning your head onto your hand as you fidget with a pen tapping it onto the desk. You contemplated the things that happened over the last few weeks for a while. The bedroom was silent, the ticking of the clock getting quieter as your clamorous thoughts engulfed you in that moment. You could hear your heart thumping out of your chest, the sudden feeling of pins and needles in your right leg from the lack of movement. You were overthinking again. The phone pings and the blue screen beams back at you alerting you of a new notification. Could it be the email from your professor or was it him?

Chris: Hey, you haven’t messaged me when you went home, is everything okay? Are you feeling better?

You breathed deeply, your fingers grasping the phone until the little line pops up and starts blinking.

blink

blink

blink

You carefully thought about your response. it shouldn't be too painstakingly cringe, or serious or blunt. Just the regular you. Although you were too aware of your behaviour for you to be somewhat normal.

You: Hey, i’m okay. i think i’m overworking a lot and my head started to hurt don’t worry about me

Chris: Oh okay, just don’t overwork yourself. I can hand you some of my notes if that helps and you can copy them?

Chris: And don't say no because I know you would :/

he read you like an open book, welp.

–

As time went by, your relationship with him was flourishing like a blossom tree on a spring day. Every moment was something new with your new friend and it was enjoyable to be with him. You went out with him, he came over to visit, you spent your breaks with him and he obviously helped you with note-taking. He made sure you were walking away from the road which caught you off guard, his hands gently settling on your shoulders and carefully moving you aside. He drapes his arm over your shoulders as you walk towards your accommodation;  It was only then, when you and Chan were walking back where you really felt something and you realised what it was this whole time, it was like a final awakening and you accepted what this feeling was. You really did like Chan. It wasn’t the typical ‘i like him’, it was a burning passion, a longing for someone so kind and selfless like him, someone who understood you through your highs and lows. Chan was everything you wanted in a person yet you forced yourself to believe it was an unrealistic standard and went along with it. Your heart thumped through your best. You could feel your ears redden from the nerves and coyness.

–

The door to your room slammed against the wooden door frame that had only recently been replaced. Chan crashed onto your bed, his face buried amongst your plushies and pillows, his black cap beside him letting his chestnut locks sit against your ivory pillows. The sun rays beamed in through the blinds that were open enough to let a few rays illuminate your small bedroom. It was getting dark soon. You set your bag on the tan wooden floor although before you could sit on your bed, you had to change. “Chan, I'm just going to change real quick, you can play whatever you want on my laptop,” you point at your laptop as you open the door to the bathroom. You needed some time to get yourself together. You and Chan are just friends. Chan leaned back into your bedding, he felt at ease when he was at your place.

It darkened outside, the resplendent sunset disappearing over the horizon allowing the scintillating stars to adorn the stygian night sky. After you put your things away and hung up your bag behind the door, you jumped into your bed crossing your legs and leaning back into all your plushies and pillows. Chan was closest to the wall, leaning his head against it in a torpid state.

“are you alright?” you prod his shoulder, his head whipping to face you. His resting face was extremely pouty and his eyes seemed droopy from being exhausted. Almost always, Chan seemed sleepy with you but little did you know he was comfortable enough to be in a vulnerable state around you.

“oh yeah, I’m okay don’t worry about it!” He tried to sound somewhat energetic.

You and Chan talked, ate some snacks, talked again and watched a show together before it got too late. Chan teased every now and then by taking something of yours and holding it back, annoying you slightly; “Come on Chan give me my phone back!” you whine

Chan laughs “it’s kinda cute when you’re annoyed,” he says returning your phone.

What did he say?

You and Chan peacefully sit together again, only millimetres apart from each other, the tension in the room rising by the second until Chan sighs deeply.

“oh wow it’s already 12:30!” he leaps out of your bed. “I have to go, I have a meeting with the director of our year tomorrow at 9am”

“oh! i’m so sorry for keeping you for so long, i’ll walk you out,” you hastily lurch out, finding your slippers and a zip up hoodie to keep you covered and warm.

Chan’s smile was only on one side of his face, one of those smiles that you give (or get) when you are appreciative. “Thank you,” his voice was hushed but to you it sounded relaxing. You didn’t want him to leave.

You wave to him as he walks down the tenebrous street alone with his hood up.He exhaled in relief. He felt nervous, bothersome even, causing him to want to tear his hair out. Of course, these were destructive thoughts however they were one of many. He aggressively slapped his cheeks as he tried to shake himself back to what he thought was reality.

You tap away at your phone to message Chan despite him only just leaving. You couldn’t get enough.

YOU: let me know when you get some, it’s really late and dark

CHAN: I will <3

You stare at your phone with your mouth slightly parted. Do guys send hearts like this to anyone? It was too late at night to even ponder about it so you buried your face into your heap of pillows and plushie although something was different. Chan’s scent lingered. A mixture of sandalwood with hints of rose, you didn’t want to get up and stayed laid down on your bed, your cheek pressed against the pillow Chan was laying on as you held your phone on the lowest brightness waiting for him to reply.

Your eyes begin to droop, becoming heavy like rocks were tied to your eyelids before everything went dark. Your phone remained in your hands.

–

Sun rays greeted you as they slipped through the tiny gaps in the blinds gradually awakening you. A small groan passes your lips as you hear the birds chirping to one another, singing their morning song. Your hands pat your mattress in search of your phone; 7:56AM. You could’ve sworn you were waiting for a text from Chan! You shoot up awake, panic stricken, and jumped up from your bed frantically to unlock your phone. There was no message from Chan and you began to get worried, why did you fall asleep without checking if he got home safe! What if he got ambushed or hurt? Thoughts flooded your head until it began to overflow. Your fingertips pushed the hair out of your face despite stubborn strands falling back as you paced the room.

You pause as you see the ‘typing…’ pop up on your chat with him and relief hits you instantly. You

CHAN: Hey, sorry for not messaging you. I got home within an hour of leaving yours and fell asleep really quickly. I can imagine how worried you must be. let's meet on campus? sorry …

He finally responded at 8:10AM. Your anxiety evaporated and you brushed it off for now and calmed yourself down.

However Chan didn't get home within the hour of departing from your home. He took a detour to a small convenience store to buy a simple iced tea and took a stroll down a bridge. He thought to himself, a lot. There are many things a person could think about when it comes to understanding a relationship, whether that may be platonic or romantic. It was a topic that was sensitive to him due to whatever happened in his dismal past thus choosing to ignore it and start afresh. He knew he was insecure and worried of losing your trust or that he might do something to upset you resulting in you not liking him. He felt on edge most of the time though he tried to push it to the side because he knew you were nothing but caring to him although he was worried that he wasn’t up to your expectations. It was a constant battle with himself and he didn't know how to deal with it. He walked the rest of his way home, exhausting himself as you rested peacefully. That's all that mattered to him. Chan is a person that thinks about his actions and the consequences to an extent that is damaging. He is incredibly fearful of doing things wrong or hurting people which explains why he chooses to not have many people in his circle unlike yourself as you rely on your wonderful friends. He couldn't tell exactly what he felt and how to put it into place, so he thought and thought over and over again until it was painful to even think again.

Chan lay in his bed with his towel dried hair and sighed at the ceiling. “leave it until tomorrow,” he said to himself. He unlocked his phone to message you but before he could tap a few letters into the keyboard, he curled up in his bed drifting soundly to sleep.

–

During the first period class, as the lecturer presented the class, Chan nudged you to grasp your attention. Your head turned first and your eyes followed; he seemed a little different today his curls were messier and his cheeks were rosier. You didn't know if your feelings were just making you hallucinate.

“what?” you whispered in a hushed tone.

“ I got you this,” Chan hands you under the theatre room desk. It was your favourite drink from the store you always go to with him, it was surprising he even remembered.

Your demeanour changes. You were excited over such a small thing that he remembered that it made your heart skip a beat.

“What are you going to do now?” Chan asked as you both walked side by side to leave the room.

“I’m not too sure to be honest, is there anything you wanted to do?” you ask him.

Chan thought for a moment. “Have you started the assignment yet? could we start it together?” he did and said anything to spend more time with you.

“you’re eager aren’t you,” you giggle, your cheeks blushing a roseate hue. He couldn’t say how much he wanted to be in your company so these excuses will have to do.

It was always assignments that got you and Chan to be together otherwise there would be no excuse for you guys to hang out. You weren't the most straight forward person and nor was he so beating around the bush was something you both had turns out which began to get frustrating. You and Chan sat next to each other at a table as you assisted each other with the assignment. He had an endearing habit of chewing the top of his pen when he was focused planning and to him, it was endearing that you would do piano taps on the table to keep focused. He made sure he was close to you, shoulders touching, knees touching under the table and faces a couple inches apart. You had to contain yourself, so you started biting your lips due to your nerves. Thoughts raced through your head as you gazed at Chan focused staring back at his notebook. You turned back and felt his knee touch yours, causing you to move your knees together tightly so they didn't hit him again. His company was pleasant.

After an hour or so, you tapped the back of Chan’s hand -

“what’s up?” his face was close to yours and you felt like you could just kiss him right now but you couldn't let your impulsive thoughts take over. You gulp as your eyes trail from his lips back to his hazel brown eyes.

“should we perhaps go now? we’ve been here for a while” you gulp as you try to maintain eye contact with him though the nerves began to creep up slowly but steadily.

“If you want to, let's go,” he closes his notebook and laptop. “do you want to see the sunset with me today, only if you want to of course I understand if you have other things to do,” he scratches the back of his head and lets out a slight nervous chuckle.

Your heart was beating out of its chest that it felt painful but you didnt turn down his invitation. He made a bold move and this was clearly a date! you were relieved that he could ask you out for something other than writing an essay…

“ Of course, that sounds really nice! I’ll go home and get changed and I'll meet you,” you tell him sweetly.

“i’ll come to yours and we can go together,” he smiles as he rests a hand on the side of your arm. Chan actually meant ‘let's go on a date and watch the sunset, i’ll pick you up’ but he didn't try to coerce you into something you didn't want such as going on a ‘date’.

–

You got ready and changed into something a little warmer. You checked your phone and instantly saw Chan’s name on the screen meaning he was waiting for you downstairs. Your hair was tied up today, a long, tan coat draping down your body. You and Chan walk side by side talking about all the intricacies of the world. Just you and him under a setting sun and the potential sight of the moon. Chan took you to a secluded area away where there was a perfect view of the sunset. “this is where I come sometimes when I need a break from everything,” he says as he sits down on the sand, looking out to the sunset looking over the ocean. It was like a small cove looking area that was separated away from the main beach.

The sound of the ocean crashing onto the warm beige sands; the beach was imbued with such serenity within that moment in time. It was later during the evening so people had gone home and it was just you and Chan. The gentle breeze misplaced a strand of your hair sticking to your lips until you felt a finger brush against it attempting to move it away. Within that moment, your eyes locked with his and for a moment you felt the world stop. The waves stopped crashing against the shore and the wind stopped, although that’s what you thought. You could tell from the way he looked at you something in him changed.

“Too close?” his dimples deepen as he smiles at you shyly.

Your cheeks were now visibly red from being incredibly flustered. “o-oh no! no, don't worry” you clear your throat as he continues to smile, furrowing his brows as he gazes endearingly at you.

You and Chan spoke about a plethora of things from dreams and ambitions to your childhood unlocking deep aspects that you haven't told anyone. You felt like it was safe with him, he felt safe to be around. This felt more like a date than hanging out but ‘date’ was never uttered so you thought to keep that idea to yourself except, Chan thought the exact same thing.

–

As you and Chan walk side by side down the promenade, his fingers twitch as you admire the view to your right. He gulped hard before clearing his throat before his fingers slipped between your fingers attaining your attention as you turned your head around instantly. Your cheeks flood a pink, then a red and your eyes widen as if you saw a ghost, turning pale; his fingers tightened and grasped your hand. Your mouth was agape, eyes doe eyed facing Chan as he simply smiled with red ears. He was just as nervous.

“I hope you don’t mind,” he gulps.

You process it for a moment. He’s holding my hand. Chan is holding my hand. He likes me. He actually likes me back. you stop for a moment and you move your hand away from his, now facing him.

“I really like you, I hope it’s not something that would push us apart because I know we’re good friends too and I want us to stay as good friends bu-” You cut Chan off his nervous rambling by laying a soft kiss on his pouty lips. He paused for a moment before he pulled you in and returned the favour. A million fireworks and an army of butterflies set off whilst a heavy weight from your shoulders ascended. Chan moved back slightly, the winsome sparkle in his eyes clasping your heart as his flushed cheeks were a soft rosy pink, you couldn't help but examine his face again and again. Although, to Chan, you were just as entrancing as if you were an angel set free to roam earth. Every inch of you, to him, was like fine china; so dainty and delicate and he knew he wanted nothing but for you to be happy and safe. Anything he did was for you.

From that day, the rose tinted glasses veiled the naive eyes of two new lovers.

Although, it wasn’t official as one would say. Feelings were mutual although there was no step further into the relationship. It was confusing but you knew he liked you back but you waited for the right moment and the right time.

–

You were on campus using the library for some study time since you had some exams approaching. Chan had a meeting prior to meeting you to study as you alway do although this time he was a little later than usual:

You: hey where are you? It's been over an hour. Should I meet you elsewhere?

You: I feel stupid sitting here alone :/

typing..

typing..

Chris Bang: Hey, I'm so sorry. The meeting went over a bit today but if you want we can go and study somewhere else instead of the library.

Chris Bang: the librarian is a bit moody sometimes and doesn't like it when we talk

You: Where were you thinking?

Chris Bang: how about at a coffee shop together, you like coffee right?

You: but you don't! it’s unfair on you

Chris Bang: I’ll get something else dont worry <3

The stupid heart again. Your heart fluttered and melted within seconds of reading his selfless messages. You wondered to yourself if he was truly human because of his genuine kindness and selflessness. You closed your notebook and laptop and slid them into your grey, leather tote that you decorated with keychains that he gifted to you for no reason. One was a pearly keychain with a white, clear puppy charm attached to one side; you saw it when you visited a store together and he instantly bought it for you. However, you were the same when it came to love languages. You bought him a necklace with a tiny bear charm in the centre because he knew how much you loved them so it felt like having you with him all the time. The sentimental gifts were one way to keep a part of him with you and vice versa. You got up from the booth you were sitting at and realised you dropped something. You crouched to grab it from under the table before knocking your head from underneath. You bit your lip to stop any noise leaving your mouth but the back of your head thumped from the collison.

“hey hey, are you alright?” you hear a concerned voice from behind and as your teary eyes meet Chan’s worried face, you feel at ease.

you nod, despite the back of your head hurting slightly. “Let's go before you get hurt again,” he whispered as his hand hovered, waiting for you to grab it. As you stood up, he gently ruffled your hair to tease you a little bit before you winced at him, swatting his hand away. He found it endearing but he knew you didn’t like it all the time so he kept it to a minimum.

Everything felt too good to be true.

–

The weather began to get colder considering it was around mid November now. You could barely  comprehend that summer went by so fast and it pained you to reminisce about it because of how amazing Chan made it for you - not that it usually isn’t but you get the idea. The icy air brushed the tip of your rosy red nose as your hands shovelled deeper into your coat pocket attempting to accumulate some warmth. You glanced to your right to see Chan with his hood over his head, his side profile peering from it. Your sharp inhale caught his attention as he turned his head to you slightly; “you alright?” he asks as he offers his gloves to you from his pocket without a second thought, it’s like he prepared himself.

you nod, “yeah, it’s just really cold and i’m so smart, I didn't bring a scarf with me,” you scoff at yourself.

“hm, maybe you should organise yourself a little more, good thing i’m pretty organised” his honey-like voice distracts you from the fact he removed his scarf from his neck and wrapped it around yours.

“ Wait, stand still for me,” he asks as he carefully secures it, the gentleness causing a tornado to whirl in your stomach. You were bewitched by Chan and his ascendant nature since he wasn’t worried about taking bold steps. You felt comfortable enough around him although your fervid feelings made you feel agitated at times.

You felt agitated because you knew you weren't just friends but you werent dating either so it was confusing. The anxiety consumed you from the inside out even though you knew what he saw you as.

–

The reason Chan kept it this way was simply because he was afraid of commitment and afraid that he would end up alone again. It was his fate to be left isolated from the world and he couldn't help but challenge it. He wanted to make sure that things would go smoothly and that his intrusive thoughts didn't get to him although it was a constant battle against him and himself, attempting to fight for something he really wanted.

–

His scent lingers on his scarf; A light lemon scent combined with a hint of apple, but the slightly sour green kind, with a sprinkle of spice and slight mintiness. During your daze, you and Chan end up at a coffee shop where he leads the way to a sequestered spot near the back of the cafe. “This is my favourite seat,” he says as he places his bag down along with his jacket. Your bag rests against the wooden panelled wall, painted a light beige tone as Chan turns to go to the counter.

“wait, wait for me!” you leave your things and your jacket at the booth.

“hey, it’s fine, I can get the things you si-”  

“nono, let me come with you,” you insisted.

Chan’s heart set free butterflies swarming his stomach when you insisted on joining him. It always happened whenever you would stand by him, brush fingertips on accident, the gentle nudge whenever you look over to his notes or whenever he’s showing you something, whenever he accidentally bumps into you when you suddenly stop walking - a habit of yours you never knew you had. It was the small things that made his heart ache, his stomach flutter and his cheeks burn up by his nerves. You had an impact on him and yet you were left unaware of it.

You and Chan stood side by side waiting to order at the counter. You scan the comprehensive menu that had a million different combinations - maybe a million was an exaggeration. You couldn’t decide between a coffee or a cold pressed juice or perhaps a smoothie? The choices you had were almost impossible to choose from until you turned to Chan to ask for his opinion.

“hey Chan,” you tug at his sleeve, his cheeks blazing red.

“u-uh yeah,” he turns to you, gulping hard.

“Firstly, are you okay, you look really hot?” The choice of words were interesting but you went with it.

“oh yeah, i’m fine! i think the heating in here is on full,” he chuckles nervously.

“ohh yeah, I suppose it is. I was meant to ask, what are you getting?” you point at the menu.

Chan takes a moment to decide. “What do you want?” he asks

“I don't know, that’s why I'm asking you?” You prod his arm.

“oh well choose 2 things,” he says calmly.

“umm I liked the hazelnut latte and the green apple and berry smoothie,” you carefully read the menu.

“Then we’ll get those!” he decides before going to the counter to order without telling you what he wanted. He ordered both the things you wanted and you were left speechless, why was he like this.

During that evening, you both worked on things you had to do for your assignments while sipping on your drinks. “Can I try the smoothie?” you ask Chan. He nods and pushes the tall glass to you. You share the same straw as him, sipping the smoothie; “mm I made a good choice this is really good!” you return the glass with a ring of your lip gloss around the straw. Chan didn’t care. His lips place itself on the straw from where you drank, the rush of nerves and butterflies swarming through his body. To him, you were angelic; the way you spoke to him in a soft tone, whenever you found something funny and gently pushed him or hit his arm he found it extremely endearing. Whenever your head was absorbed into your textbooks or study or the habit you had of having your forehead creased as if you were angry was endearing to him and the way you’d chew the inside of your cheek and had to remind you to stop. All the small things made his heart flutter

–

You and Chan left the café at closing time after spending 90% of the time talking about something unrelated to the topic you were writing about, laughing with him and exchanging looks full of adoration. You never felt happier. You walked together, endlessly talking about a myriad of random things that seemed to be engaging for both you and Chan. It was the small acts of service that would send you into a daze like pulling you in front of him when careless people run by or when your earring got stuck onto his bracelet when he tried to take a leaf out of your hair but was gentle with you. It was the small things you loved so much, your heart physically couldn't take it.

–

As hours passed, the clouds began to appear, heavy, ready to set the torrential rain charging down to  brawl with the concrete and leaves.

“It’s about to give us a rainstorm…” Chan sighs as he looks up before the heavy raindrops descend from the sky. You squeal at the cold drops of water gradually drenching you before you reach out to grab Chan’s hand. Who knew it would rain the day you forgot to bring your umbrella…

“I think we should go home,” you say as you hold his hand to guide him back to your place in the torrential rain. It was rather sweet how during the whole route home, Chan held his jacket over you to try and keep you as dry as possible although it was no use. The rain pounded the ground in rage as the wind roared fiercely; it wasn’t a pleasant experience.

–

The doors to your flat open up and the warmth collides with you like two elements combining; like fire and water. Luckily your accommodation complex was always warm during the winter time. Your hair was dripping in water as well as Chan’s hair too; “oh no, everything is drenched!” You gasp at his hoodie that felt like a soaked sponge, the palms of your hands pressing against his chest examining the saturated attire.

His hands gently wrap around the wrists moving them down, away from the hoodie with a smile full of endearment;  “It’ll dry up soon, don't worry,” he smiles. Even though you both were stuck in bad weather, he managed to make you feel safe and happy first.

<< For Chan, it was the lack of safety he had that made him so unbearingly cautious of you and your safety. He wanted to make sure you were safe and happy with him, it was the least he could do by giving, if he couldn’t receive it in the first place >>

There was an odd feeling in your stomach that evening, something felt like it had shifted and was ought to happen although you brushed it off. It was a typical thing for you to feel when you and Chan were alone together. You felt sorry for him for having to hang out with someone who did the same thing day after day, you felt sorry you didn’t make things interesting despite trying but he didn't seem to mind. He seemed to always be immersed into anything and everything you had to say, do, or show. But why did he keep things as ‘just friends’?

–

It was late. You and Chan hadn’t stayed out for this long since you met and it felt somewhat rebellious, not to anyone in particular but mostly to yourself. It felt like Chan would whisk you away to somewhere so far away, where it would only be you and him. Nothing else in the world would compare to that. You tapped in your keycard to get into your building, Chan closely walking behind you; The sliding doors closed behind you, your footsteps resounding in the hallway as you walked towards the elevator. Your fingers itched but you clenched them tightly, digging your nails into your palms; glancing over to your side, you see Chan with his gentle smile as he tugs at the strings on his drenched hoodie. You press the button. No one was around, not a single student in the building was walking around at this time, considering it was 4:10AM. You press the up button to the elevator and wait for it to descend to the ground floor. “Thank you for tonight, this was the most fun I have ever had,” your voice was hushed and soft only for him to hear. Chan lowered himself to your face; “Thank you for giving me your time and allowing me to take you out for this long” the huskiness was soft and gentle, especially when he was speaking in a softer tone. You both stepped into the elevator and pressed the 6th floor since that was the floor your room was. Once the doors close, you turn to look at Chan; you both exchange a few looks. The energy was tense and you felt like something would happen and it did to your surprise. Chan’s palms cup your jaw as his lips press firmly against yours. It felt desperate, as if he had been holding back for a long time. Your cheeks burn up, your heart races and your forehead forms beads of sweat from the sudden surge of emotions. You froze, not in fear, but in shock. You didn’t know what to do and quite frankly, there was a lot but instead you leaned your body against the metallic wall of the elevator, your hands clenched towards your chest and eyes closed tightly. A million thoughts in a millisecond hasten intensifying your anxiety about everything within that moment. To him, it seemed like it didn’t matter; He parted away from you and let you open your eyes to comprehend what he did. “I’m sorry, I didn't mean to shock you like that I just–” he sounded regretful, gulping so harshly as you watched his throat, your eyes gazing back up at him again.

“it’s fine,” you mumbled, trying to gather your thoughts, attempting to fathom his actions.Though from that moment, it did feel a little awkward and your response was worse than anything else you could have said.

You got to your floor and opened your room with your keycard taking off your jacket and throwing it onto the floor because it was still wet, pulling your hair tie out from your hair to let it down. You turn around to Chan who hung his head low, chewing his inner cheek, his solemn expression making his aura grey and dismal.

You clear your throat and take a step towards him.

“You can try again,” you whisper to him, “but please take your wet hoodie off,” You giggle. Chan’s face changes from a sad frown to a confused expression although his face also had relief written all over it. His eyes shot up in confusion and disbelief. “Wait, you didn't mind? you’re not mad?” the franticness of his tone causing Chan to stutter.. you shook your head.

And so, he slipped his hoodie off his body. “Seems like this is wet too…” he tugs at his t-shirt, the mischievous character slipping out within this moment as he starts becoming comfortable.

Without words being exchanged, without any more time being wasted Chan was cupping your face as his lips collided onto yours. The desperation in his bearing conveying to you everything he wanted. His lips brushed against yours like an ocean on an empty shoreline, like the universe paired you guys together like the ocean and the shore, like the moon and the sun; you both already knew you couldn’t live without each other. Chan inches closer to the edge of your bed. You melted into him, the way his lips would trail from your wet lips down to your jaw, to your neck and back to your lips again. You hesitated for a moment as your fingertips hooked under hist-shirt, halting Chan briefly before he eagerly pulled it over his head, casting it to the floor without a care. Living with this hellish anxiety about Chan seemed to dissipate as if he were a celestial being. It felt like you were living in hell with heaven right by your side. Chan’s teeth nip the tender skin on your neck, your gasp alerting him. “are you okay with this?” He asks with a worrisome tone in his voice. You nod your head, your fingers entangled between his locks, your fingertips grazing over his cheeks and lips ever so lightly. He left more kisses, whilst you placed your hands under his shirt holding him closer to you. One thing led to another as impulsive decisions were made between the two but you didn't care. You liked him a lot to the point you would definitely call it love. He loved you more than anything. The intimacy between you and Chan was all that mattered, you wanted nothing more than that.

Chirping birds sang their song at the break of dawn, the gentle sun peeking through the gaps of your blinds. Slowly, you open your eyes to see Chan on the other side of your once vacant bed. His messy locks lay across your pillow before he turns to face you again still soundly asleep and resting. His fingers twitched in his sleep, his eyebrows furrowing as though he saw something unsettling or fearsome. He did it again, his lips frowning in his sleep, was he having a nightmare or bad dream of some sort? You shuffled closer to him, wanting his arms to go around you again and within that instance, his arms held you close. It was a tight grasp however considering his dream, you were someone he needed then.

–

A few months went by labelless again. You and Chan did ‘couple’ things without the official title and you didn’t know why yet you didn't want to instigate a conversation about it in case it caused any problems which you strongly doubted.

You, Chan and your other friends met up again one evening at Yeji and Hyunjin’s house for a gathering the Hwangs organised since it had been a while they invited you around.

“Wow, it’s changed so much since we were kids!” you point at the new decor and wallpaper.

“I remember how we used to joke about pushing you down the stairs,” Han laughs and nudges you. “ah yes how could I forget, YOU were throwing a tantrum because you wanted something from Hyunjin’s room and he said no so that was your first instinct!” you nudge back. Reminiscing about your past with them felt as if you were reliving your past; you turned to Chan and he seemed reserved, sitting on the couch next to you his head hanging low. You duck under to peer at him though his woeful expression worried you slightly. You poke his shoulder and inaudibly mouth ‘are you okay?’. He returns a simple nod.

You and Han teased each other, as best friends do, although Chan felt quite protective of you at that moment and put his arm around you pulling you towards him. It definitely isn't malicious at all although you felt like the others were gawking at you right now.

Yeji leans over and whispers to your ear; “since when?” although you hush her by putting your index finger on your lips.

–

The beaming pearly moon shone over you and Chan as you both walked side by side, hand in hand. “You know, the moon is so pretty isn’t it?” you stop for a moment, admiring the floating orb.

“It really is..” Chan says softly as he gazes lovingly at you. His heart began thumping aggressively out of his chest, his throat becoming dry from being so flustered. You turn to him, your sweet smile releasing an explosion of confetti in his stomach. He couldn't help but smile. He inched closer, only a couple centimetres from your face before setting a soft, gentle kiss on your lips.

Everything felt perfect ~

The following few months stayed the same, just you and Chan visiting each other everyday. He visited your apartment so often, it was as if he lived there. You had so much planned for the future with Chan it was like the universe gifted you a blessing in disguise. Though something so beautiful blossomed, there was a pit in Chan’s stomach he couldn’t get rid of.

Self hatred,regret, insecurity, anxiety. The whole lot came crashing down, ruining his parade of emotions he had been enduring over the last few months. He tried to fight it and ward it off like an evil spirit but it came back, again and again. He didn’t know why he felt so much hate towards himself, constantly beating himself down to the ground when he knew he didn’t do anything wrong. It was all tough up until he had the opportunity to forget everything when he was with you, leaving any self destructive behaviour behind. He felt like he was back on track. His past was something you were unaware of since he kept it hidden and locked away, confined to the depths of his mind. He didn’t know whether he could be there for you all the time not because he didn’t love and care, but because he was so unsure about himself and whether he could handle the tragic effects of his unknown past. He didn’t tell you because he was afraid you’d leave and that would destroy him, being the reason for his demise.

But it takes courage.

Chan stares at his ceiling wondering what to do after seeing you so happy, patiently waiting for an answer that he knew you were waiting for despite not asking him. He pondered how to approach what he wanted to say; over text? too cruel. Over the phone? too cold and heated. Not at all? definitely a devilish thing to do. He knew what he had to do whilst feeling an excruciating tension in his chest whilst thinking about it. He fiddles with the necklace you bought him and reflected on the time he spent with you. The experiences he fulfilled with you. The things he took from you and couldn’t give back in case you regretted everything you did with him. He knew he was building up his walls again due to his past and the corruption that he, himself, endured.

You got a call from Chan on a random evening.You remembered the date clearly.. The blinds were slightly open as the breeze meandered through the slits into your bedroom circulating the small interior. You stood in the middle of your bedroom, with a smile on your face, since Chan called you. Hearing his voice was like medicine to you, it made you feel happier whenever you had a bad day or something of the sort. You tapped the green answer button and raised the phone to your ear as you continued to tidy your bedroom. Your cheeks ached from smiling so much since you missed him every second of every day.

Except, something wasn't right… Your stomach twisted into a knot.

Chan’s voice wasn't elated as it usually is. He didn’t sound happy or sad or excited or anything. He sounded serious, which wasn't like him at all. You clear your throat;

“Hey, are you alright Chan? Are you sick?” you ask him worried if he needed your help.

“hey, no i’m fine..” he pauses, “well kind of i don't know.. I wanted to ask if we could meet?” He asks.

“Of course Chan, i’ve just cleaned my apartment, did you want to come over? you suggested sounding rather fretful.

Chan thought for a while, this was a very important decision. “I can meet you at your place,” he said with slight hesitation.

Chan had been in a situation that had made him feel like he was a burden to anyone that he came into contact with. Despite his overwhelming, undying love for you he felt like it was too much for him to bear. Not you; the idea of eventually disappointing you with the possibility of you leaving him, loathing him, resenting him because of him. Of course he trusted you so much, he could trust you with his life however there was a feeling of guilt, worry, and an amalgamation of other things fused into one emotion. He didn’t want to hurt you and make you feel any bitterness towards him since he knew how much you loved him. He sat in his bedroom a few minutes before the phone call to you wondering what to say and how to say it but it was better said in person. He didn't want you to waste your time on someone that was seen as unreliable except no one understood his feelings like you did. That was the problem. You understood yet he refused to believe there was someone who did, someone made for him, someone who was tied to him with the string of fate.  He ignored everything and went with what he thought was right; Sometimes following the heart is better than your mind..

‘You didn't do anything wrong’ that's all he wanted to tell you but it would sound like excuses. Chan was too close with chaos to the point where fear and chaos resided comfortably in his head slowly eating at his fragmented mind. He felt like he entered an eternal darkness that was difficult to escape, he was truly trapped now.

–

Chan sat next to you, your eyes glinting in the winter sunlight that broke through the blinds. You sat against your headboard smiling at Chan with deep admiration, just as you would usually when you were with him. He gulped before he spoke. “So…” he began with a hefty sigh, “ I don’t think we should become anything more than friends,” he sets it straight and clear slightly choking up on his words.. You stare at him with a blank expression your smile immediately fading to nothing, the words you wanted to say were getting stuck in your throat. It was painful. You wanted to say so much, so many questions yet not one came out and all you could do is stare at him. “I understand if there isn't much to say and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or lead you on and I know we did things you’ll regret and I took things from you I cannot return…,” he explains, his voice cracking at every moment he felt his heart break. “I understand if you don't want to see me again or hate me but you are so amazing, someone else would do a better job at being good to you,” he spewed absurd words at you that spiralled into your head and made you feel faint and overwhelmed but you listened because you really cared about him.

“you were nothing but amazing and I want you to know that you have done nothing for me to make this decision,” he said. “I don’t think, right now, I’m in the right state to be there for you, to protect you and to love you in the right way. I dont think I’m simply fit enough to be someone that you can be in love with.”

– “I don’t think i’m good enough for you and for whatever reason, I cannot tell you why…”

– “ For you, someday, … I wish I could give you all my love to you but I can’t help the way I feel and it hurts just as much it hurts you.”

He rambles. He lets himself say everything he felt explaining himself from start to finish. You filled your lungs with air and inhaled sharply before deciding to respond to Chan. “I understand,” you say. Nothing more, nothing less. You watched his expression change from somewhat fine to teary-eyed before he snapped and released a waterfall of tears.

“Please understand that everything I did and I said, I meant with my whole heart and I wouldn't change a single thing I endured with you,” he swallowed his words struggling to speak as his tears overthrew him. “you deserve so much more than this.”

“I understand you Chan, please don’t be upset,” you hold yourself back from exploding into tears, your heart cracking every millisecond. You have never, not once, seen Chan in such a vulnerable state, sobbing, eyes puffy and red. “Don’t cry or be upset,” you try to comfort him, brushing his cheeks dry, even though in that moment your heart was shattering into a million pieces, your soul was crushed and everything you ever feared arose from the dead. Your stomach knotted and your throat tightened making it harder for you to share your feelings but all you could do is force him a broken smile.

Chan stood up, drying his eyes and clearing his throat. “We can stay as friends and eventually we’ll be okay, right?” he puts his hands on your shoulders, gazing into your eyes that were already pooling at the sight of him. You nod without a second thought. This was a complicated relationship from the start but you couldn’t blame him. You wanted to kiss him but you couldn’t. He wanted to kiss you but he just explained why he couldn't be with you putting you both in a vulnerable state. Chan didn’t want to give you false hope but he couldn't help it so he pulled you close cupping one side of your tear-stained cheek setting a passionate, hard kiss onto your lips. You melted into him, fusing your fragmented heart with his as your eyes let the teardrops run down your cheek. This wasn’t a goodbye, yet it felt like it since the dynamic of you and Chan has completely changed now. You didn’t blame him, you never would. Once he parted away from you, drying your tears from your face, he took a step back and brushed his hands down his face and took a deep breath; “I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have continued to give you false hope…you shouldn’t have felt anything for me…i’m so sorry”

You shake your head, tears streaming uncontrollably down your cheeks.

“If you don’t feel comfortable at any point of us being friends, let me know okay?” He still cared about you so you wondered how it would all go from now on. “i’ll see you soon…” he tries to break a smile from under all the sorrow. You nod.

The door closes. As it does, you stand against it before sliding down with your hands in your palms sobbing by yourself, your heart aching from the heartbreak you were suffering. You sobbed to yourself for a while until you felt numb. As Chan gets home, he sits on the edge of his bed feeling parts of his heart empty and void. What has he done? He blames himself for hurting you, for being an awful friend, for being an awful person. He hated what he just created, he felt as though he should’ve kept quiet. All he wanted was for you to be happy although he ruined it even more.He grips onto his hair tightly as he lets himself loose, sobbing to himself on the floor. He needed something more to distract but there was nothing. He takes the sleeve of his hoodie to dry his face before lying on his back staring at his ceiling for hours on end.

You both looked at your phones to message each other but it didn’t feel right.

1:23 AM you sit on your bed squeezing a plushie for comfort as you surveyed the luminous, consoling orb that is situated in the centre of the sky outside of your bedroom window. The luminosity comforted you as you stared at it; despite tumultuous emotions and irrepressible tears you coped, the moon felt like a friend that gave you a gentle hug. You already missed the sweetness that you once had between you and Chan, his gentle hugs especially when he nuzzled his head into the nook of your neck or when he held your hands when they were turning a crimson in the bleak winter weather. He cared a lot about you so you didn’t understand why he halted anything from becoming more. ‘we can stay as friends right’ - those words echoed in your head. You knew it would be a lot for you to overcome these feelings but would he do the same? Would it take a long time? You didn't know, although you had all these questions that were left unanswered.

Time went on.

Everything felt unfamiliar when you returned to your classes even though he sat next to you and tried to make you smile. He slid a peach tea next to you before the class started but when your eyes met it was a different story. “Thank you,” you croaked before clearing your throat. You didn't open it but you put it in your bag as you tried to hold your tears back.

“how are you today?” he asked. The audacity of Chan asking that very question when you were left in tears and pain. “fine I guess,” you lied.

“I know you’re not fine, I'm sorry…” he whispered. You wanted to disappear at that moment but you simply shrugged and brushed it off.

The same thing occurred almost everyday until you began to meet your friends more and gradually tried to ignore and get over the harsh emotions you were feeling.

You: Hey

Chan: Hi

You: how are you?

Chan: the same

Chan: you?

You: i’m okay

*you lie again*

Chan: That's good, I'm happy you’re feeling better. I’ve got a part time job for the summer.

You: oh that’s cool! i hope it goes well, all the best

He’s moving on. A part of your heart felt empty almost as if it wasn’t fully healed from everything just yet but it would be easier if he moved on first. It would hurt much less than you leaving him first but Chan thought otherwise. He didn't want to leave the feelings behind first because he fell harder than he should have. Seeing you move on, to him, hurt less since he turned you down first and he felt guilty for it as if he were a villain. There was more than one shattered heart and only one was healing.

September. Autumn.

A new season and a new academic year approaches which also means your birthday was close by. You started to go into your classes later and leave later even though he wasn't in your class anymore since he chose different units. There were very few lectures you did share with him yet he sat at the front alone and it felt awkward to sit with him when there wasn’t much conversation over summer, only a few hey’s and how are you’s. That’s what broke you ever so slightly, you were drifting apart and you could feel the bond tear.

You walk through the campus and you see him walking in the opposing direction and you pretend not to see him because you couldn't face him but he called out your name;

“hey!” he waves at you, a softish smile paints his face as his eyes sparkle as he looks at you. you remembered that smile and how he used to squeeze you tight whilst smiling like that. You stopped for a moment and blankly glared in his direction confused about what he wanted to talk about.

“Happy birthday,” he says softly. He wanted to say ‘I love you’ but he put himself in a situation where it was impossible for you to go back to those feelings when you were ready to move on. He wanted to give you a hug and tell you how much he missed you but he was far gone from the opportunity.

“thank you,” you respond. A simple thank you and a smile. What more could have been said?

You hoped to be loved by him again although it felt far from that now. Despite Chan saying it wasn’t you, it felt like it. It felt like you weren't enough, unloveable and undesirable but the moments you shared with him also proved otherwise so you were conflicted with a myriad of feelings in the moment. You just wanted him to comfort you, to love you, to be yours but none of that was plausible anymore. He’s moved on and so have you, bittersweet yet something you both could learn from; it was just an instance of being the right person at the wrong time. From being someone you thought you’d be close to forever, you both seemed to have turned into strangers instead.

‘You pushed your window out as far as it could go and opened your curtains wide open, your lamp on the dimmest setting to the point where there was no need to even have it on since the moonlight illuminated your bedroom. You leaned against your window ledge and rested your tired head on your palm, gazing into the sea where the moon’s reflection kissed the ripples and waves that rolled onto the pearlescent sand - even thought it was 2:34 am, you could tell the sand was pearly. Your carefree dancing in your bedroom, moving with the wind and the breeze without a care in the world. That was my first impression of you, you were an interesting character I was yet to meet …”

As you heave open your window until it opens as wide as it possibly could, you glance up at the milky orb in the abyss above you. You sigh to yourself; “it’s just you and me against the world, don’t fail me,” you scold the moon jokily. It was a little sad how you’d talk to the moon in your bedroom alone although the moon provided you with the utmost comfort when you had no one. You sit on your window ledge with your black kitten plushie in your lap and a notebook with a pen wedged into the spiral spine. Writing was your passion as well as gaining further knowledge about astronomy - although it was super hard- though people called you a poet since you wrote from deep within your heart. The tides came in gently rolling onto the grains that cloaked the beach; it was quiet. The leaves and trees rustled in the silence though it wasn’t a problem to you since your bedroom was filled with the melodious sounds of music. You liked listening to classical music during the earliest hours of the morning - 2am and later- as you noted down your ideas, feelings and thoughts with swift motions. Luckily, you found some quiet since the construction outside was halted for the night; a new home was being built next to your home and you wondered who would move in. Perhaps an elderly couple who needed a beach view, a family with young, loud children or perhaps a young, newly wed couple. The possibilities were endless. Sometimes you would fall asleep on your window ledge and wake up to the sun scorching the side of your face. The ceiling fan in your bedroom whirred, buzzing in one ear and the bluetooth speaker on a low volume playing one of your favourite orchestral pieces. Your bedroom lamp that sat towering over your paperclips and sticky notes was set to a warm light on a low setting too; your bedroom wasn’t a mess today, only a few things were misplaced like the charging cords on the floor and the dejected childhood teddy, tattered and frayed wedged into a box of ring binders and paper. It didnt bother you, that was your charm - forgetting things and misplacing things but being ever so focused on the one thing you love. That was you. 

Your left cheek was scalding and it was none other than you sleeping against the window again, clutching your kitten plushie and notebook close to your chest. Your door was open ajar again meaning either your sister or your mother walked in to check if you woke up yet. Work. Panic struck, you scurried through your dresser and your clothes to find your work attire - you completely forgot you started at 12:35 today and it was 12pm already. Your notebook and plushie sat looking over the ocean although this time with the ocean lapping slowly onto the shore. You began walking to the bus stop praying you weren’t yelled at by your manager today but to your convenience, a large van blocked your vision to even see the bus come your way. Your groaned in downright distress and held your head in your hand running back to your house to beg your sister for a lift to your work place. Of course with all siblings there’s always a small negotiation and a quarrel; you had to give her some cash in order for her to drop you. A deals a deal but at least you were at home for the fraction of the time.

‘ I told my father the bus stop was a bad place to stop but I couldnt blame him, we couldnt turn because of someone waiting at the bus stop. I can’t blame her either, she seemed so… panicked. It’s true, I felt bad because I was in that moving van but maybe one day i’ll make it up to her. I wondered she worked, cafe perhaps?  A hairdressing assistant? Or maybe a waitress? Whatever she worked as she looked too young to be a lawyer or something so prestigious although it’s not good to judge before hand now is it. Never, i’ll know her better one day, she looked like she was from the same neighbourhood I’m moving into and also looked around my age…’

You sat at the reception of the hairdressers, boredom striking you like a bolt of lighting. It wasn’t very busy today so you waited for time to tick by. “Any new appointments yet Kit?” the manager sighs with a coffee in her hands - how typical of a manager - you shake your head. ‘Kit’ was your nickname at work because you apparently reminded them of a baby fox. Who knew the reason but you thought it was cute. 3pm and you were off to have your lunch break and though it was a late one you were glad to at least move your legs a bit and get something to drink. The door to the coffee shop next door chimes and the barista greets you with a great smile. Iced vanilla latte. You’ve been craving one since you had that one dream that you went to cafe with someone and they bought you a iced vanilla latte. You’ve been getting strange dreams and as you seated yourself at a window seat, you pondered about them. One time you dreamt that you were in a verduous space, a wide path adorned with tall hanging trees that loomed over you. It was chilling indeed - not in a relaxing way - but there was an element of safety within that dream. You looke down to see you hand interlocked with someone and it’s ever so typical of dreams to just blur out that person. Just a smear in your memory, you just couldn’t fully remember who it was though the laugh they gave was hearty and full of pure happiness. You couldn’t forget. But a dream is a dream right? They’re not real. 

Break time is over… back to work you go.

‘The new home was absolutely wonderful. The seascape below was so new to me and hearing it was so calming. It was a new start for me. My bedroom window was wide; a lot of natural lighting and I loved that indeed. The window faced  the ocean to a degree but was right opposite my neighbour. Judging from the sheet curtains and the piano on the opposite side of the bed, they seemed like a girl who loved music perhaps? Possibly even around my age although I cannot judge can I? I’ll meet them some day, if we’re destined to.’ 

Tiresome and fatigued, you drop onto your bed as soon as you get home from work. Your new neighbours were quite strident whilst moving in, hearing boxes being placed, talking, laughter - that laughter. There was one that sounded like the one you dreamt of? Perhaps you were too overly tired since you slept at 4am the night before but who’s to judge you but yourself? There were birds nattering outside on the roof of the new house opposite; as you were watching them, a shadow walked out of the room opposite. You hoped they didnt see you and continued to do what you needed to do and the first on the list was to water the flowers outside in your garden. There was a yapping of a small dog coming from the garden next door and a couple people talking about something, one sounding distressed.

“ Kkami’s ball fell over the fence,” a young male voice spoke out sounding out of breath. Kkami? Kkami must be his dog. You look in your garden to see a red squeaky ball and glance over to the fence, should you just throw it over? It was now in your grasp and the most polite thing would be to return it so you lifted your arm and threw it over. You head a ‘ouch’,  it did not just hit them on the head! You continued to water the plants and your flowers. “Mother, the neighbour threw Kkami’s ball back!” He sounded happier now. You were going to cross paths with him a lot more… a lot more than you thought anyway… 

It was June 14th and your bedroom window was wide open to allow some sort of breeze to glide in. Your curtains were open and you were sitting cross legged on your bed flicking through your book, letting the entire vibe just settle. Ever since you moved to the home you were living in you visited the beach 3 times; once for a beach party with your friends; another time with your family during summer when the sun was practically scalding your skin; the last time was alone although it started to rain which was just plain bad luck. You went to close your window but that’s when the universe decided to change something, an energy shifted. Your eyes locked with a dark brown haired man? No boy! Well, you couldn’t really judge. The sheer shock and fear was quite evident on both of your faces, the male in the house opposite just got out of the shower! Luckily he was just shirtless with his chestnut toned hair stuck to his forehead only just shirtless though. . He broke out into a smile and you simply raised your hand. ‘That was kinda endearing’ You quickly shut your window and darted towards your door. What was that for? Why did you do that! You ask yourself. He was shirtless, what if he thought you were weird! Many thoughts scrambled your poor mind but you tried to not let it bother you, maybe writing ‘I’m sorry for staring at you’ on your window is a good idea! Are you dumb? That’s so strange! Maybe just an ‘I’m sorry’? A simple apology is straightforward and effective. In fact, you just left it and didn’t do anything hoping he’d just simply forget about it and wouldn’t talk of it again.

Your heart thumped out of your chest like it was trying to resuscitate itself back to life. Was that normal? The palpitations were getting oddly frequent. “Do you mind? I’m trying to study here!” you speak to yourself softly before glancing to see your neighbours desk facing your window; he seemed to be doing some type of work too? He looked up and it felt as if the world stopped spinning for a split second for you, the moon began shining brighter and the stars were gleaming harder - just in that second. A simple smile is all he returned. You smiled to yourself and thought that this could be something good and that you could have a new friend like you see in movies. Who knows? You found yourself asleep at your desk at 6:45 AM, your notebook wide open with some ink smeared because you suddenly slept on it. It was the weekend and you had time to sleep in although you had to leave for your job at midday. 12:15 PM, you walk down the stairs humming a melody that you've played on your piano and into the kitchen before you get a glimpse of people in the living room with your mother. “Oh you’re awake! What good timing, these are our new neighbours and their son who’s your age,” your mother smiles as they all turn around to you and there he was. Smiling at you fondly with a single strand of hair lingering at his forehead. “Hi, i’m Hyunjin by the way,” he raised his hand giving a slight wave and a side smile. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you and I don't mean to be rude but I am super late for work right now and I have to go-” you panic before dashing for the door. You dismiss yourself before biting the back of your hand for embarrassing yourself.

“Hey neighbor!” you hear before you walk into your home after your shift. You freeze at your front door and turn around with a painted smile to see it was your neighbour Hyunjin - Dream boy. “Oh hey! How are you?” you ask him. He smiles and points towards your feet; “ you’re stepping on my dog's toy,” he giggles as he bends to pick it up. You never felt more embarrassed. “ We met earlier but we didnt get to talk but it seems like you’re busy and injured,” he points to the back of your hand which you hide behind your back. “Oh yeah sorry about that i’m so busy with uni and work and i barely have time to even talk to my parents so i-” you ramble before he interrupts politely. “ well here’s my number so we can text any time you’re free since we’ll be seeing each other more often,” he smiles before leaving a little note in your free hand and taking his dog’s toy. “Talk later window friend,” he smiles. Friend? Did he just call you friend? Of course he did. That’s Hyunjin.

Hyunjin was a talented dancer and a genius at physics. Surprisingly, he loved philosophy and learning about it since he studied philosophy in his previous university. Hyunjin had a welcoming personality; his strong, passionate and king aura radiating warmth and compassion. An all round nice person to be friends with. 

You sit on your bed cross legged and hold the note and your phone in the other hand, side eyeing the window to see if he was there and then turning your head around since you were certain he wasn’t there. You were wrong. He picks up his phone and points at it before pointing back at you and you shake your head, of course he playfully drags his finger down his face to indicate he was crying. Your roll your eyes and type his number in and message him.

You: what?

HJ: omg you finally messaged me, i just wanna get to know you :D

You: I suppose I didn’t make the best impression on your family earlier did i? 

HJ: no my parents though you were a hard worker, I must say I do agree, do you always sleep on your desk. 

Oh no.. he saw you passed out on your desk from studying til the early hours of the morning.

You: no i don’t, don’t tease me on that!

Minutes pass, hours pass and you and Hyunjin sit at the window talking all night, getting to know each other and becoming closer by sharing things in common. Your eyes match and lock every time there was a sweet exchange of words, the internal giggling you endured  when he teased you in the most winsome ways, the way his fingertips were raking his chestnut locks back and smirking sweetly at you. It felt nice having someone to experience your early hours of the morning with. It seemed like a perfect start to a long term friendship. One thing caught you off guard:

HJ: are you free tomorrow night to hang out? 

It was the fact he asked about tomorrow night and not any other time of the day. Of course without a second thought you replied with a simple ‘sure:)’ and turned off your lights to go to bed. Though the fluttery sensations toyed with you, it was bizzare to you; Inexplicably extraordinary even! Forget it. It’s the nerves talking nothing more.

The following night was blissful; the ocean’s waves softly crashing against the bay of the beach below against the gritty sand which appeared to look like satin spread across for miles. You wait at the window again, watching the evening go by; the elderly couples walking hand in hand across the beach; the puppies experiencing the sand for the first time; the sun finally kissing the ocean goodnight before the moon rose to dance on the motionless ocean. There was a sudden flicker disrupting your train of thought and it was him. Hyunjin. He was searching for his jacket all of a sudden and caught you staring at him. Without fail he smiled at you with great compassion you could almost feel it radiating off his body, gleaming. 

HJ: grab a jacket, it gets colder during the night 

Where on earth were you both off to? You met him outside your front door and he waved at you again. “Seems like the first time we met,” he smiles again, his eyes turning into the crescents you loved to see in the night sky. “In my house or when I was stepping on your dogs toy?” you laugh back. “Hmm the second time seems a lot more memorable, since you didn't even realise you were standing on Kkami’s toy,” his hand rests on your shoulder. “No worries, Kkami forgives you even if you don't know his name.”. You roll your eyes, “come on, you just moved in and now you’re making fun of me?” you poke his arm. “Hmm, friendly banter?” he shrugs and flashes a mischievous smile. He begins to walk and you follow, standing by his side. His complexion was illuminated by the moonlight, highlighting his features; the sharpness of his jaw, the way his lips were naturally a rosey pink. It was interesting how such an angelic person existed with such a vivacious personality balanced out perfectly with the correct amount of introversion. He was like a warm spring’s day and a garden of freshly bloomed flowers dispelling such sweet fragrance. He reminded you of a freshly baked pie left at an open window for cooling. It was hard to explain, though that’s what he made you feel. “How many times have you come down to the beach?” he asked you whilst swaying side to side. “Hmm not many, maybe 3 times in my whole life?” you reply without having a second thought. He gasps. You stopped and looked at him with such confusion tilting your head at him. “Why what? Did I say something wrong?” you look around. “How could you miss out on something like this?” he points at the beach and the ocean. “I can see it from my window, what more could I ask for?” you shrug. He grabs your hand; “hey we are NOT this close yet!” you yelp before he drags you into the sand. The smile on his face lights up right in front of you. He seemed so happy. Genuine happiness. Your heart felt so warm. Though you were not happy about your shoes getting covered in sand that’s for sure. “Hyunjin -” you whine at him meanwhile he excitedly swings his arm around your shoulder. “I never took you for a whiner,” he giggle before looking up at the stars.

“The stars are so bright tonight,” Hyunjin looks up, encapsulated by it’s heavenly beauty. “Are you into astrology and all that?” you ask him shrugging slighting so his arm falls off your shoulders. He didn’t seem to have minded at your gestures, he wanted to respect you as his new friend. “I am, I think the stars have such an interesting meaning don’t you think?” he turns to you, the speckles of light from the stars glossing his umber orbs that were glazed slightly by the pale moonlight. “I don’t know, I never really thought of it much thought the moon seemed to have given me some type of comfort, it’s just so weird,” you pause, “don't worry,” you ridicule yourself. “Well, maybe you might change your mind,” he smiles, pulling the draw strings of his hoodie tighter, “it’s getting colder, maybe we should head home.” he turns around beginning to walk though you stood there watching the ocean lapping onto wet sand. It was unusual; the ocean was pitch black almost hidden, almost like the moon during the day.Perhaps people were like that too? Hidden in the open, ready to be seen though it takes some time to finally be noticed. Those who do notice the true beauty of the moon and the ocean are those who appreciate the small things, notice the small intricacies of what makes these things so valuable. Hyunjin was one of those people who notice the small valuable things in life, it was indeed an admirable quality you saw in him.

“You alright? Are you not cold?” he taps your shoulder. “Oh yeah, let’s go,” you shove your hands into your pockets and stroll alongside him. “That was a nice talk,” he smiles, ear to ear. “It was and I suppose we should do this more often?” you suggest. You never usually suggest things like this so this was a first. Hyunjin’s warm smile felt like a pleasant spring day, a cool fruit tea; “no need to ask, we’re friends now,” he holds out his pinkie finger and you look at it blankly. What’s that supposed to mean? “Make the promise and lock it girl next door,” he inches slightly closer to you. “Alright alright, don’t come any closer then,” and that’s when you made the promise and locked it. 

Never break promises.

Months pass, around 6 months, and you and Hyunjin became very close friends. It was easy to connect with him, he was like a friendly golden retriever. You discovered that he was a very talented dancer and also incredibly intellectual. You saw the way he studied; his eyes scanning his textbooks, the window slightly ajar to let in the breeze, the desk lamp set to a warm and dimmed so it wasn’t too disruptive to any other neighbours. Your stomach churned and twisted like it was making its own dough, abnormal indeed though it started ever since you started to spend more time with Hyunjin. Hyunjin would ask to meet you at the window or ask you to take a stroll down the beach with him. 

Tonight it was warm and pleasant. Hyunjin walked by your side and handed you one of his headphones; “what’s this for?” you ask puzzled as to why he would just hand it to you. “ Music usually helps with silence, sometimes there just isn’t much to say,” - he wasn't wrong and he was very much correct. You willingly took the headphone and placed it to your ear and you were surprised at the music he listened to. Slow yet fulfilling to listen to. “I would have never guessed this is the music you liked?” The subtle smile he gave spoke a million words. Gestures that were deemed irrelevant to you prior to meeting him suddenly meant a lot  like the gentle hand on the shoulder or the way his eyes softly blinked when he was listening to you speak. Speaking from the heart, you had to admit there was steady proliferation of your emotions to him but your stubbornness refused to confess; however today everything seemed to have merged within your path. As you both sat on the sand, hands buried deep within the grains gazing up at the bleak sky that was adorned with speckles of light and glitter, Hyunjin began to speak. 

“Have you ever seen a dolphin in your dreams recently?” it was a strange question to ask nevertheless you responded with something simple. “I haven’t, it’s a weird question to ask,” you couldn't help but smile at his confused expression. “Ahh okay,” he buries his face into his palms “i feel so stupid!” his cheeks visibly going red. “Why is that?” you nudge him. 

Dolphins are a symbol of protection and often signify needing some freedom from tumultuous emotions that an individual has been enduring. Hyunjin was embarrassed to even utter what was on his mind but he had to at some point right? 

Under the pale moonlight that began to beam brightly, it was endearing to see Hyunjins ears blush with a  pink tinge, his face buried between his hands. “Is it weird to say,” he paused for a moment before gathering himself together, “i’ve fallen for you, really hard,” you could hear the pit in his throat as his voice began to sound croaky and hoarse. Everything became muffled; the ocean crashing against the shore, the breeze skimming the sands, your own heartbeat was the only thing that was deafening to you as it thumped out of your chest and into your hands. “Sorry, that was a bit out of line, I- I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable,” Hyunjin’s voice began to get shakier and that isn’t what you wanted. “NO-” you burst, “I mean, no, not at all,” you couldn’t help but let a smile loose. During that very moment the red threads were tightening meaning that two souls have finally met the way they should have. The sudden silence was abrupt yet soothing and in this moment whatever happened, happened. Hyujin’s hazel irises observed you for a moment before you felt his hand slide up the side of your cheek, his thumb brushing over your cheek thought you didn't move at all and you knew you didn’t want to. 

It was like a rollercoaster that sat at the top before the big drop, you didn’t know what to expect. That’s when your heart stopped for a moment; Hyunjin’ free hand held onto your hand as he leaned into a tender kiss that was burning with passion. You weren’t certain with your feelings until this very moment when you pushed yourself towards him. How did you and the boy next door fall for each other? It was as if fate was on your side for once. For the first time ever, you felt like your feelings have been reciprocated, the way Hyunjin treated you was something almost too heavenly to imagine. “I thought you would react badly...” Hyunjin shyly looked down, but you shake your head and lay a wholesome kiss on his forehead. “of course not, you went with your heart and i’m glad you did because that’s what I love about you, you follow what your heart tells you,” your hand caresses his cheek as he tilts his head into your palm intentionally. A new way of living had just begun. From strangers to neighbours, neighbours to friends and from friends to much much more. 

The saying goes, that there is one person in the world that is meant for you: a soulmate. Although some soulmates aren’t so easy to find, hidden in the depths of the shadows of your life almost hidden until the last moments of your life. Unfortunately, it does happen but what is more common are soulmates that don’t even know it yet. Only until you feel like you’ve lost them or that they might not return what you have for them until something ever so specific happens.

***

The stars were glittering in the ebony abyss above you and your best friend Jisung. Jisung had always been your friend ever since that one time in school where you were mocked for not understanding a mathematics question and he helped you and became your tutor ever since. You weren’t the best with number and often struggled with understanding mathematical concepts but Jisung was there for you and took his precious time to study with you, day in day out. Without fail, his warm grin always consoled you as if he was indirectly telling you “it’s okay, I’m here for you”. You knew he’d be your home and your comfort even if you both went your separate ways and found love one day. You were both 16 at the time when he used to tutor you and by the time you both turned 18 and were making crucial life choices, you made choices you were 100% sure with. You didn’t want to leave Jisung behind and going to the same local university in your city was the only thing you could do to stay with him. Your parents didn’t like the idea of you pursuing a career in arts, particularly anything to do with literature and writing. It was deemed ‘useless’ in their eyes, so lacklustre of you. They were certain you weren’t getting anywhere with a degree in literature, but you loved writing; it was your form of expression. Jisung supported it all the way through. He chose to do music composition and production which he was outstanding at. You vividly remember during your summer break he wrote a song about the pair of you going to the convenience store and made it sound so mesmeric. Your best friend Jisung. What would you do without a friend like him?

***

The biting cold making icicles at the tip your fingertips, the tip of your nose as crimson as sweet cranberries, your knee bouncing up and down trying to warm you up. “what’s taking him so long?” you say to yourself as you stand up although during that moment, you see a chestnut brown-haired boy bolting down the streets, his fleece long jacket flailing in the polar winds, the hood of his hoodie falling off his head. Your face lights up – as always- when you saw his panicked face bolting through crowds of people who too were shopping. It was so endearing how he ran, a half jog half run. You laugh to yourself gripping the heat packs in your pocket until he arrived in front of you his hands, knuckles tinted light carmine, resting on your shoulders panting for breath.

“where were you?” your hands searching your pockets for the heat packs you had and holding it against his face, Jisung sniffling because of the cold weather. “I-I was trying…trying to buy something and the-” he struggles to speak as he holds his chest. “hey Jisung stop talking, let’s get you warm,” you hold his hand, a heat pack between your palm and his; fingers interlocking to keep it in place. It made him feel warm inside and out, a smile appearing on his face as he looked down, his brown wavy hair flopping down. The café had a homely feel, ever so reminiscent. You never knew why; possibly the rustic feel to it the lower ceilings and roof supports with warm fairy lights coiled around them. The counter was made out of a light wood, oak perhaps. You weren’t too keen on identifying trees. “You sit here okay, and I’ll be back with our drinks okay Han?” only you were allowed to call him by his surname although he claimed it as his nickname. He nodded, smiled sweetly and sat cosied up in an arm chair. “Do you want me to hold your bag for you?” he grabbed your arm before you left and you turned around. “oh yeah sure! That’d be great thank you,” you take your bag off your shoulder and he grabs the bag into hands and places it in his lap.

Jisung loved bitter coffee paired with a sweet dessert. The pure happiness he would endure simply from a strawberry cheesecake and any type of Americano coffee, hot or cold. It was different to you; you loved sweet drinks and savory-ish snacks (although a cheesecake was always so delightful when you were with Jisung). Jisung’s eye would sparkle, like he was holding the entire universe, whenever he saw something, he loved. Damn you for being so blind, his love for cheesecake was godly. Jisung warmed up, the condensation on the window making it fog up so he drew a smiley face. He was happy. You walk over with your tray and he immediately got up to take the tray out of your hands and place it down himself. “you never disappoint me,” he gasps at the creamy cake and the piping hot coffee. “I’m your best friend I will never forget until the day I die!” you pledge to him before sitting down giggling at his endearing reaction to such a simple food. You tear a bit of your croissant and place it in your mouth letting the subtle sweetness and savoury enthral you. The combination with your caramel macchiato, the combination of flavours combining and comforting you. Jisung introduced you to the caramel macchiato and croissant combination and ever since you got that every single time. “how are you feeling now Han?” you ask him, whilst leaning on your hand and tilting your head at him. He gazes into your eyes and smiles endearingly, “a lot better now, I was trying to get your birthday present, and I got held up! I am sorry about that,” he apologises. “what! You didn’t have to what the hell!” you lean over the table and slap his shoulder gently. “hey it is MY duty to take care of you until someone decides to sweep you off your feet,” he tuts, “they better treat your right!” he warns you for your future relationships. You nod and agree with what he says, “well my bestie Hannie will be there for me and likewise I will be there for you too!” you rub a tiny spec of cheesecake from the corner of his mouth, “a child, that’s what you are,” you joke with him.

You were disrupted by a strong gust of wind that collided with the glass where Jisung drew his smiley face and droplets of rain appears dragging down the window. The pattering of the raindrops where almost rhythmic, like the universe was performing for you. In fact, you loved the rain a lot that you wished to have your first kiss in the rain – it was cliché and cheesy – but Jisung always listened to your dreams and desires and what you wished for. The rain was comforting, like the clouds were telling you it was okay to be sad and to cry now and then. You were full of content in this given moment; a warm coffee between your palms, the icicles melting off and the colour in your frostbitten hands appearing. “do you want to try some?” Jisung scoops a spoonful of cheesecake and hovers over the table holding it in front of you. It was endearing, he always shared everything he had and of course you did the same. “of course?” you take the spoon from him and taste the cheesecake. The sweetness infiltrating your system as soon as it touched your tastebuds. “wow this place does really good cheesecakes, perhaps I’ll have to come here more often!” you smile at him. The bellicose rain thrashed against the window now, the winds were stronger, but you had to leave to get home although you needed to take a 30-minute bus journey back home and the weather was abysmal! “you are in no way going home in this weather!” Jisung tutted, “luckily, I do live literally around the corner,” he was definitely inviting you over, he was very clingy! “I can just go home; the bus comes in like-” you check your phone. 45 minutes. “never mind I will gladly take your considerate offer,” you laugh. “ah these buses aren’t the best now are they, let’s go now before there are too many people on the streets!” he stands up fixing his little jacket and handing back your bag. “unless you want me to hold it,” he offers. He was so selfless and sweet. “you’re not my boyfriend so why would you! It’s okay, I can take it back,” you play around.

***

You thank the baristas before Jisung pushes the glass door open for you and lets you go first. “I don’t have a hood!” you squeal before putting your hands above your head but Jisung was on his feet to the rescue, holding out his jacket and covering you with it. “let’s run to the convenience store alright! In 3, 2, 1-” you clutched onto his jacket covering you and bolted with his laughing at the playful noises he made before sheltering at the convenience store. You looked around the store for a few things to snack on. “I’ll pay so get whatever you like since you paid for my coffee,” he holds the basket. “shut up, you bought me a birthday present when I didn’t want you to!” you tut at him, “god what am I gonna do with you?” you scoff jokily. You see a pile of Clementine’s which you had to get because you loved them so much and it reminded you of the summers you used to drink fresh orange juice with Jisung near the river. You put them in the basket and Jisung looked confused; “oranges?” he looks at you with confusion. “I just really like oranges Jisung,” you smile. He took a mental note of that. After grabbing a few snacks, it was still raining, and he did the same thing again sheltering you with his own jacket and running to his house which was a minute or two away.

The door to his home creaked open, and the warmth hitting your face as quick as a train on tracks. The waft of freshly cooked rice drifts past your nose and it reminds you of all the times you and Jisung got stuck in the rain, just like this very occasion, and his mother made warm rice with a savoury soup. Jisung takes your jacket and takes it to his room to hang it up and comes back to the kitchen. “it’s raining bad so is it okay if-” Jisung gets cut off by his parents, “of course she can! Any time and if she needs to stay, we can accommodate her too!” His mother adored you, it was endearing. After your quick dinner with his parents, which his parents were more than happy to provide for you, you sat in Jisung’s bedroom. His room was as neat as it could be. When walking in, his bed was in the far-left corner pointing towards the large window, to the right of his room was his mic, computer and music equipment and next to that was his shelf with various different items like trophies and frames as well as the daisy chain he made for you. He also has his TV attached to the corner of his wall.

“oi why did you keep the daisy chain?” you asked him as he turned around, his hand on the remote to turn on the small TV in his room. “it’s pretty, isn’t it?” He gives a playful smile before jumping onto his bed and leaning against the headboard. “I never took you for such a sappy sentimental person,” you nudge him. “you learn something new every day,” he smiles before turning something on to keep you occupied. This was just comfort. Just you and your best friend of many years, spending quality time together. Your head lay on his dog plushie – which you gifted him so he would stop complaining he was lonely –your locks sprawling over it. Jisung glances over to you entranced by your own thoughts, a whole world inside your mind – he was intrigued as to what you were thinking. “hey, what are you thinking?” he sits up leaning down so he was in front of your face. It only came to your realisation he was laying next to you, face to face to get your attention. You sit up. “oh umm-“ you think fast, “the oranges!” you point at his desk at the clementine’s sat perfectly in the punnet it was in. You and Jisung spent an hour or so watching a show and talking about university and how you want to travel the world. He listened to you attentively to every word you said before his parents knocked and said that the rain storm had stopped and they can take you home. So shortly after, you gathered your belongings and Jisung followed you and his parents to the car. You forgot one thing, your hair tie that had a little rabbit charm on it; you had it ever since you were little and you forgot it at his house, at least it was Jisung though. Since then something changed in the air. A shift. Although only time will tell and expose what changed.

***

6:35 am your alarm blared through your bedroom, your head tucked under your grey and white sheets trying to accumulate warmth since you had to manually turn the heating on. You groaned tiresomely, your arm extending to find your phone, knocking it off the bedside table. You wanted to cuss it out because morning where NOT your forte. You sit up and grab your robe and draped it over your body and go to the bathroom to freshen up before getting ready for university. Jisung woke up at 8 because the campus was so near but you had to commute. You took your time doing your makeup and getting dressed, grabbing your bag and putting your notebook, laptop, stationary and your pouch in. You grab a jacket and your umbrella before promptly leaving at 7:57 am to catch the 8am bus to get to school. You managed to get to campus just before your lecture allowing you some time to get coffee to wake up a bit however… that plan did not seem very doable since the queue was incredibly long, so you gave up and went to the library to sit in your usual seat and wait for the lecture.

“hey!” you hear a whisper, and you ignore it thinking it was for someone else before you feel someone breathing on the back of your neck. Your instinct would be to slap the person but as you turn around with a fearful expression, you realise it’s Jisung with his starry eyes giving you that smile. “I got here early and got you your favourite,” he points at the seat you both sit at which was hidden behind a bookshelf. It was a large table where no one really sat since students preferred to work in groups. University life was different to high school. You had other friends which was nice; Sana did Biochem, so it was hard to get a hold of her, Chan was a sports and exercise student, and Seungmin studied nutrition. Jisung also had some friends from high school like Changbin who was doing the same course as you – literature- although he focused on the poetry section more, and Hyunjin who studied business and management. You did meet them often but of course you were closer to Jisung.

You saw the packaged croissant and the coffee on the table, and you thanked Jisung. He took his time to actually get you coffee before your lecture. “you have a couple minutes, at least you can drink it during the class!” he pats your shoulder. “don’t you have a lecture at 11am?” you ask him since that’s when yours finish. He nods. “I’ll be done by 2-ish? We can go and grab some lunch if you want?” he suggests. “how about we meet with Sana, Chan, Seungmin and Changbin for lunch?” you counter-suggest – if that is a word!-

“is Hyunjin busy?” Jisung asks a little confused. “Oh no he WAS the one who asked the other day and I replied to him now.” You smile so Jisung goes along with whatever you wanted to do.

You open your notebook to take some notes for your class and you see Changbin walking in and he sees you. Changbin was intimidating, at first glance, although he was sensitive and kind when you talk to him and get to know him better. “hey, I’m not late right?” he asks getting out his Ipad to take notes. You shake your head; “have you got your anthology yet?” Changbin asked you. You shake your head, you forgot about the anthology. “well that’s good because I saved you one,” he hands you the book of poetry. You were relieved, your degree relied on this book. “oh my god thank you!” You show your gratitude. “anything for a friend of Jisung’s and mine,” he smiles before turning back to face the front as the lecturer walks in and begins.

After class and meeting with your other friends for lunch, you all met at an Italian restaurant which was incredibly popular. It had been a while since you had a meal with all of them since classes took over your lives. “hey isn’t your birthday tomorrow?” Sana asks, her sweet smile brightening up the entire room. “Yeah it is wh-” but before you could say anything, she hands you a tiny pink bag. “I might have time so I got your gift today!” Sana was such an amazing friend. You thank her and open the bag and the small box inside to reveal an teddy keyring with your initials engraved on a small silver plaque looking keyring. “omg this is so cute thank you so much!”

“Now, open my one,” Jisung holds a blue bag with silver ribbon on the front. “now?” you ask him. “well yeah you opened Sana’s one?” so you opened the bag and it was in a slightly larger box; once you opened it a small gasp left your mouth and at that exact moment the food arrived. “what great timing I’m so hungry!” Changbin went in for the food and everyone else followed, conversing with each other and catching up, but you were still trying to process what he bought you. A silver necklace with a daisy charm and both of your initials on the back. “I’ll always be here for you, you know how that daisy chain is so sentimental to me, I hope this is too.” He leans in and quietly speaks. You were lost for words. You tried to splutter out a thank you, but he knew how thankful you were from your mere reaction.

The evening went as planned; you and your friends hung out after so long, work was intense but having a cheat day like this was indeed liberating. Jisung taps your shoulder gently as you wave Sana goodbye under a dimmed streetlight and the obscure night sky. It was hazy tonight; the cool fog making it hard to see anything ahead of you. Jisung stood next to you and you turned to him once Sana left. “are you thinking what I’m thinking Han?” you give a playful smile and rock back and forth on your tiptoes, “coffee and cake?” he asks as if he didn’t know that was your thing with him. “Of course!” you put your hands on his back and push him in the direction you wanted to go in; “over there!” you point. It was a night café situated along a remote street that was diverted away from main traffic. A large white sign lit up the dark street which directed you and Jisung to a well-lit night café that had a couple people inside enjoying their night with their friends or significant other. There were outdoor seats which weren’t occupied because of the drop in temperature but it would be nice to come here more often since the location was incredible. Jisung pushes the door open and lets you in first, following you and looking around for somewhere to sit. A circular table with two chairs in the farthest corner which was surrounded by bookshelves but renowned authors; Jisung chose to sit there and asked you to go and reserve that seat. “What are you doing?” your voice conveying disarray. “it’s on me tonight,” his smile appeared. That smile. Your heart did that thing again though you shook it off. It was nothing right? You sat yourself down, putting your purse on the table along with your phone; the books were intriguing you, there were many of them ranging from sonnets and poems to crime and mystery literature. You knew you weren’t much of a reader, but one did capture your attention. It was by an author called Ivan Turgenev, the book was called ‘First love and other stories’ – people writing about love was something you wish you could’ve done but you don’t know how love feels? The cover of the book was rough a cerise fabric-like texture, the title written in a gold on the spine of the book. Jisung comes over unexpectedly and leans over your shoulder eyeing at the hardback you seized. “what’s that? Love stories?” he pouts as you turn around in a panic, Jisung grabbing the book out of your hand, his fingertips grazing against your hand. If you had your Apple watch on right now, your heart rate would’ve been way too obvious. “O-Oh I was looking at the book shelf, they have so many well-known books and authors an-” your flustered ramble was interrupted by Jisung; “you want to read love stories, that’s understandable… it’s a good book I would recommend it,” he hands the book gently and points at the tray with the coffee cups filled to the top, the two cheesecake slices; one orange and the other strawberry. You gasp at the orange cheesecake – “oh my god they exist!” you sat down at the table, tucking the chair in. The aroma of the roasted coffee beans was intense although it made you feel comfort. You glance up at Jisung as he picks up the silver form and digs into the tip of the cheesecake, allowing there to be enough strawberry syrup and cheesecake. He holds it up to his mouth and notices you looking at him – with the most stupid look on your face, painted with adoration – so he held it out for you. “here, try it before I do,” his expressions were soft and gentle. “huh? Why, it’s yours?” you try to refuse. It didn’t work. “because-” he thinks for a second, “sharing is caring.” He fondly beams. You couldn’t deny it but he held the fork and you endured such sweetness swirling around, dancing on your tastebuds, the bitterness of your coffee counteracting with the dessert; it was utterly perfect. “nice?” he asks. “of course, as always!”

You didn’t realise at the time, but it was an analogy that you didn’t realise. The bitterness occurring in your life being stabilised by someone so sweet, attentive and ever so cherishing. It made sense.

You took a forkful of your orange cheesecake although it didn’t cater to your taste. “are you alright, do you not like it?” Jisung asks you. You shake your head, “ it tastes too artificial..” you hold the remaining cake on your fork and place it on the plate. It was disappointing, yes but Jisung swapped the ceramic plates with his. “here have mine, I’ll have this!” he takes whatever remained on the fork and takes a bigger chunk. You know what they say about sharing drinks, does it apply to forks? “O-oh thank you Han,” you smile softly, you couldn’t help but feel so warm inside. After spending some time at the café it was time to go home although Jisung insisted he would take you home safely first before he goes home. “no no, I can go myself,” you asserted. Jisung tutted and rolled his eyes playfully as he always does. “Why?” you ask waiting for a valid response. “Because it’ll take you even longer to get home!” you raise your voice a little louder but not too loud to bring attention. “well.. I’ve stayed over before..” he reminded you. Ah yes.. he did didn’t he. Your parents were okay with Jisung and already mentioned that if you dated him, it’d be best. God why did they think like that?  “I’m joking, I’ll get a taxi and we can go together,” he thought. You nod agreeing with him.

A couple weeks pass and you were on call to Jisung whilst studying. It was really late, around 2am but your Film project wasn’t going to do itself. He kept company since he just never slept. “want me to come over to study with you?” he asks. You were shocked at the offer. “at 2am? Are you crazy!” your voice becomes a little harsh as you tried to stay quiet. “maybe we should look for campus accommodation or an apartment we can split the rent for!” he suggests. It wasn’t a horrible idea, there would be some leeway for you to do whatever you like. “I’ll see for next semester; we can get looking though!” although you didn’t realise, he meant move in together. You and Jisung met up later that day at the university library, your laptop with all your editing software open, editing your short film that you filmed of him. It was about how you romanticised life and how everything was symbolic for something; Jisung pointed at himself. “what do I symbolise,” he asks tilting his head taking in the moving image. You pause, what if your feelings have changed? You lied. “you’re my best friend of course,” you smile through the pain knowing he will never feel the same. His cheeks flare a rosy hue. Even such words made him happy. “hey,” he enquires, “are you free August 1st?” you think for a moment. “That’s a couple months away but I should be, I can make sure nothing happens that day, why?” You seemed so confused. “My family and I are going to Jeju for a visit and I was wondering if you wanted to come as well?”

Oh.

“That would be nice, I haven’t been there yet either,” you let out a quiet laughter. “please, it would be so nice to have you there too!” he leans into you a little and laying his head on the table and smiling. Stop smiling like that – you think. “maybe I’ll consider it if you weren’t acting like a child,” your nervousness was seeping through. “a child? Isn’t that just my ecstatic personality hm?”

You scoff and continue focusing on your editing, a deep feeling of resent brewing within – why did you film Jisung AND fall for him? Wasn’t falling in love with your best friend a crime in any friendship? You took a deep breath; if you ignore it, it will be fine.

You stare at your oyster-white ceiling, covered in plastic leaf vines along the ends of your room the window open ajar enough to let in the gelid night breeze in, gliding onto your begs making you quiver. You didn’t want to shut it, you were too consumed by sundry thoughts about him; the way your heart thumped out of your chest, it paining you to see his boxy smile or when he would run up to you and embraced his arms around you tenderly full of compassion. He cared so much for you but you felt like you were too late to return any of it. Feelings are the way they are; ruthless in nature, eradicating almost every bit of rational though you possessed. You groaned feeling ever so dishevelled. You hand on your chest and a stone in your throat; you found it hard to accept you liked him – a lot more than just ‘like’, that word was too ineffective. Jisung’s pure demeanour flashes in and out of your head; when his hand touched yours when you held that one book at the night café, the way he let you have his jacket as a shelter, the way he kept the shrivelled-up daisy chain on his shelf; it was the way he did everything for you. Jisung played the guitar for you nearly every time you asked and sung for you even though he wasn’t confident in his vocals. But you didn’t want to bring your hopes up and embarrass yourself. That’s when it happened – the butterflies intruded and that’s when you knew your monotonous routine of life was demolished. With that being said, your eyes began to heavy, shutting slightly before your eyes fully closed. Dreamland is where you were transported to you…

Your trip to Dreamland gave you all the answers you needed.

It was a Saturday and you waited outside of a café waiting for Jisung. It was warmer, much warmer. You remembered that one winter’s evening when you and Jisung were caught in a storm in the exact place. You switch your phone on to see the time, the photo of you and Jisung gleaming back at you. It was a cute photo; Jisung slyly ate some of your ice cream getting a little bit on the tip of his nose and you laughing at him and wiping it off with your thumb. Your other friends really liked capturing you two, they said you were soulmates which you ignored because you didn’t believe in soulmates. Emphasis on didn’t – times change and so do people.

“Hey!” Jisung startled you, nearly dropping your phone. “you alright there,” he chuckled at you. “Not funny!” you couldn’t help but smile. “you seem to be in a good mood!” he smiles with his teeth, draping his arm around you, clutching his fist to respect you. “so what do you want to do today?” he asks you.

“why do you keep asking me?” you pout slightly. “why not?” Jisung pushes his hair back, his chestnut locks resting back into its natural position.

“We should go to a café then get matching bracelets because YOU promised we’d get matching ones and then maybe at sun set, go to Namsan Tower?” you suggest. “Did you plan this last night when I told you to go to sleep?”

You didn’t, you saw it in your dream.

“l-lets just go!” you grab his arm and take him inside the café to get a cool drink to quench your thirst.

His eyes attentively scanned the menu, looking at all the cold drinks he could get. “what are you getting,” he asked. “hmm I really feel like having the grapefruit one!” you point at the menu, “what are you getting?” you ask Jisung, “which one sounds nice?” he asks again.

You can the menu again; “blueberry tea sounds really tasty!” you say. He nods that same look of compassion; he was enthralled by you yet you didn’t even know.

***

She was beautiful. The way she looked up at me and smiled; her fierce attitude to everything made me want to scream, toss and turn in my bed; she made the butterflies in my stomach go wild. I was foolish for falling for her – my best friend – but what can I do if whenever I see her, the tempestuous storm within me is appeased at her presence. She makes me feel at home. Her amicable nature, so captivating. The face she made when she was displeased was endearing even if she thought it was hideous, to me she was like a gem that was waiting to be found and I’m glad to have found her first. I was devoted to her; there won’t be another who makes me feel the way she does. She’s my first love. And I am willing for her to be my last if nothing is returned. Her happiness is all that matters to me…

***

Sipping your drinks in the sunlight was refreshing. You both got your bracelets to match; inexpensive yet it meant the whole world to you – and him.  “there are some benches over there!” you point, grabbing his spare hand without a second though and running towards it. The sun began to wane and the stars began to emerge; simultaneously, the sky bled into an inky black allowing the stars to glow and gleam brightly. It was like how Jisung endured everything for you to let you shine. Like in school, how he would quite literally get hurt to keep you safe. You owed him a lot. “isn’t the moon really pretty tonight?” you point at the lustrous pearly orb that reigned the void sheathing the earth. “yeah, she’s really pretty tonight,” Jisung speaks softly. You didn’t realise how Jisung said ‘she’; he gazed at you, infatuated by none other than you. His fingers twitched to intertwine between your fingers, to lay a gentle kiss on your cheek. He waited for the right time.

A few months went by until it was the day of the trip Jisung planned to go on with his family. You stand in the centre of your bedroom with a small suitcase since it was for two weeks; you packed your necessities and your chargers, some hair ties and your book. You zipped up your suitcase and grabbed your other bag to throw in your pouch, phone, airpods and whatever else you needed easy access to. Jisung walks into your room with a knock; “hey your mum let me in, ready for me to take your stuff?”

And from there, everything began to unfold.

The journey there was peaceful considering the fact you always fell asleep at least 15 minutes into any car journey. Your head resting against the car window, although Jisung noticed that it wasn’t very relaxing when your head kept bumping against the car; he moved to the middle and gently moved your head to rest onto his shoulder his arm around you, so you were comfortable. He could feel his heart explode 50 fireworks every time he looked at you. He was spellbound by you.

***

Your Island holiday started off with a tour of Jisung’s holiday home; a pretty looking home with sliding doors and traditional architecture. “This is my room, and I think my parents are allowing you your own room which is the guest room,” he opened the door to the guest room and you were rapt but the view it had of the ocean. You dropped your bags and ran to the large windows and swung then open; the sound of the birds and the swashing of the sea infused your system. It felt refreshing. “It’s really pretty isn’t it, I love coming here,” he leaned against the window sill. Especially with you. He thought. “well, I’ll let you get comfortable and perhaps we can go exploring a little bit or we might have something to eat.. I don’t know but get comfy!” he says before shutting the door and leaving you alone with the ocean and your busy mind to unwind.

The saxe blue ocean pushed up against the bisque grains of sand, pulling back and leaving behind a platinum foamy residue. You thought of you and Jisung holding hands and walking down the beach at sunset like every couple does. The air felt lighter so you inhaled deeply and tried to let go of everything you had on your mind. You heard a knock at the door; it was Jisung’s mother. “are you hungry?” she smiled with immense amount of love and gentleness in her eyes. “of course! I’ll come now!” you close the windows and grab your phone as his mother smiled at you. Family meals with his family felt so natural although today Jisung was a lot more reserved as usual. Usually he would say something stupid or be extroverted. “You okay?” you whisper across the table. “h-huh, OH yeah I am, I’m tired that’s all.”

It wasn’t like him but you knew it wasn’t you that was the reason.

After dinner, you followed him back to the bedrooms; “Jisung,” you utter “Hm?” he turns around, the pair of you face to face now. “Do you want to watch the stars with me?” you ask nervously but you saw the way his brows raise from a furrow and the corner of his lips raise. “Of course I would, I’ll go change and come to you alright?” you nod your head and do the same thing. As you close the door you exhale. You don’t know why you were so nervous. But soon enough, he knocked and asked permission to come in. You both sat on the bed and gazed at the twinkling stars outside; “sometimes I wish I could be a star,” you begin. “Why is that?” Jisung asks looking down at you laying your head near thigh; “they’re so carefree and pretty and I-”

“but so are you?” he defends. “what?” you get up and look at him, your hair covering the sides of your face. He tucks your hair behind your ear; “you mean more than you think, to someone out there you just don’t know yet.. The way we’re looking at stars right now someone must’ve saw you the same way and wished they saw you again.. because it’s hard to find ONE special star amongst many,” Jisung was extremely poetic today.

“Han-” you were interrupted again. “the moon is out again, look!” he points as you lay back down this time on his thigh as he shifted it closer to where you were laying. It felt natural. His hand hesitated to touch your hair, to play with your locks but he found the courage to. You felt your soul levitate but luckily he couldn’t see your face.

***

The sun beamed into your room, the light material curtains flailing in the ocean breeze; Jisung wasn’t in the room. You were resting on a pillow with a blanket over you, it seems like he left later when you fell asleep again. The aroma of breakfast began to waft through the gap of the door to which you thought it would be a good idea to get up and get ready. You opened the door and yelped as you saw Jisung smiling ear to ear at your door. “Good morning sleepy head-” as he grabbed your hand. “w-wow where are we going!” you yelped. “breakfast but at a special place!” he says. “bye we’ll be back!” Jisung waves to his parents. You make your way down paths until you reached a little shop – a coffee shop. “I loved this place and I always wanted to bring you here!” he opens the door and the strong scent of bread and other patisserie struck you. “this is where my love for cheesecake came from!” he smiles. He seemed very happy.

You panicked internally. Did..you kiss! That thought didn’t feel right !!

***

Jisung toured you around. He showed you places he used to love as a child and things that made him happy – even happier that he could share it with you – from the rocks near the sea, to the bakery. He showed you where he carved his name on a tree on the way back to the family home. “maybe I should carve yours too!” he looks for a sharp stone and gets right to it. You watch him be so happy and acted out to yourself how you would confess to him. maybe you shouldn’t right? Soon after, you both slowly walked home but Jisung stopped again. “hey look!” he points at this tree. “what about it?” you ask until you looked up to see bright orange oranges hanging from verdant leaves. “oh my! I want one!” you say trying to grab out until Jisung stands extremely close behind you leaning over to twist one off. “Thanks-” you say although he begins peeling the skin off himself with a smile of endearment painted across his face. “I can do it myself!” you try to grab it off him. “aaaa-” he says holding a piece to your mouth with your accept, his thumb grazing against your bottom lip. “oh it’s really tasty!” you say. “open wide,” he jokes as he holds another one. “I’m not a baby!” you whine. “yeah you are,” he laughs running forward. “come and get me!”

This was the Jisung you knew and loved.

He grabbed your hand once you caught up to him, his fingers intentionally interlocking fingers and smirking at you playfully before running back to the house. You had so much fun. More than you usually do and you felt closer to Jisung. The exchanging of looks and playfully flirty remarks is all that you would remember from today. Especially, his thumb grazing your bottom lip; his soft gaze was still intense; it still made you feel nervous.

Being with Jisung was homely. His genial personality making you fall for him further. That night, you sat in the bed of the guest room, the owls hooting outside and trees rustling as the oceans began to sound turbulent. You were a little frightened and you debated going to Jisung. “screw it!” you thought. You knock at his door and hope he isn’t asleep. There wasn’t an answer so you turned around to go back into your room until your hear the handle lower and open. “you okay?” he asked, looking genuinely concerned. You gulped at the way he presented himself, his hair messy and eyes weary. “I didn’t mean to disturb you I-I’m just a bit scared…” you mumbled. “scared?” he repeated. “yeah! Don’t repeat it I feel STUPID!”

He lets out a soft chuckle and holds out his hand; “I’m watching a show right now if you want to join me?” he offers. You take his hand and he closes the door behind him. He climbs into bed and leans against his headboard. “your space awaits,” he says in a deep voice mocking the character in the show making you smile. You slide under his sheets and against the headboard too although it felt abnormal. “you can lean on me if you want to, I don’t mind..” he says. “are you sure?” you ask gulping. He nods with great certainty. So you did what he said. You lowered yourself so your head was at his chest, leaning into him and unexpectedly he pulled you in closer.

The moment became incredibly intimate. His heart was beating fast, you could hear it thump out of his chest. You felt your pulse quicken too. This wasn’t normal at all. You were okay with intimacy but this moment felt … different.

“are you okay?” he asks, his voice slightly husky, his fingers gently skimming the side of your arm. You stay still, debating to confess or to just lean in and get it done and over with. No. He wouldn’t do that. You sit up, his arm moving away from you; you face him and take a deep breath. “what’s wro-” he gets cut off by your confession.

“ I love you Jisung..” you blurt out closing your eyes hoping he’d say something – even if it was the opposite of what you were expecting. Although whilst your eyes were closed there was silence which was shattered by Jisung’s laugh. He lay his hand on yours, his other hand just below your jaw: “open your eyes for me,” he begins, your eyes slowly peering at him. It was like someone burst a colour bomb in the room; he was radiating indigo, pink and orange – he was happy. Although words were not exchanged, actions were.

Actions speak louder than words

His arm placed itself around your waist pulling you in closer to him as you kneeled on his bed. He closed his eyes and leaned closer to your lips, a paroxysm of emotions and feelings being exchanged between two lovers. The pure infatuation between you and him felt like true love, everything felt like two puzzle pieces attaching to create a piece of art that longed to be complete. The large boulder that sat on your chest had gone, you felt like a feather floating through the gates of heaven. The sweet exchange between you and Jisung, his hands ever so gently holding you; he loved you this whole time but waited for you. You lay next to him, his eyes so effervescent and glossy, his fingers caress the side of your cheek. “I love you more than you would ever have expected me to…” he confesses lowly “ I was waiting for you,”

I was waiting for you.

Everything felt so complete with your heart and Jisung’s heart merged into one. Daisies, clementine’s, and August 1st. You wished for nothing more and nor did he. Even in another life, you would always be his first love

First love. Something so pure and magnificent, something that changed the repetitive customs of life; something that gave variety and prosperity to existence. Even when seasons change, Clementines and Daisies will be what bound you with your first love; Jisung was your first love and transpires to be your last. 

Everything was falling into place and had been since whenever he grew feelings for you. The way you sandwiched his cheeks with heat packs, or the way you held his hand with one heat pack. Not to forget the way he would always buy your second choice so you didn’t have any regrets. The way Jisung’s gentle touches made a pit in your stomach fall everytime like the one time at the night cafe when you were looking at the books. Not to forget the way his thumb grazed your lips...  Everything was just right.

Centuries ago, legend had it that vampires and werewolves and many other supernatural creatures roamed the grounds of your hometown. The mountains were inhabited by these supernatural creatures and the mortals objected to sharing the land with these callous creatures since they believed they were bad luck. This mystical town was at the edge of war; riots between the mortals and immortals would transpire every full moon, blood and wounds in every direction. Of course, the King sat and observed; what more could he do when the two separated societies loathed each other. There was little power over the hatred they had for each other, nothing could keep them apart for the selfish humans craved destruction, blood and death. The Castle sat towering over the town, holding its status. Red skies sheathed the firmament that loomed over the now silent town as the King stands at the large stained glass window that looked over into the town. He could see the clear separation between the mortals and the and immortals; he sighed. As much as the King tried to keep them civil, it would never happen. He turned around to see his son gazing at the shelves and the paintings that were hug up in the King’s private study room which was located in the tallest tower of the castle. His finger brushes over the leather cover of the books and took one that was a book on Folklore which interested him the most. “Father, can I borrow this?” He holds it up to his father and his father nods in affirmation. The son takes the book and runs down the spiral staircase and finally down the large staircase that faced the vast wooden double doors to the castle. He pulled the rings on the door to open them and ran down to the front green space which was enclosed by evergreen trees arrayed along the front. He went down and sat on the verdant grass, the evening air gentle and pleasant. He flicked the page open; there was a contents page on all these supernatural creatures from vampires, witches, psychics, sirens, werewolves and many others. He was invested, he wanted to learn more about these creatures, but he didn’t know the history of his bloodline. Years prior to 1864, the King studied Vampires and how to kill these creatures, how to abolish such vile specimen. His family were hunters and studied how to capture, torture and kill vampires. He peacefully read the piece of literature, immersing himself and broadening his knowledge. He heard the sound of heels climbing up the stairs of the castle and it was none other than she, the love of his life, the one the Prince was going to marry. She was beautiful, divine piece of art, everything he ever wanted. He jumped up onto his feet dropping the book onto the grass. “Evening my dear Prince, Jungkook,” she curtsied to you. He felt his heart thump out of his chest. “Oh please, do enter my father must be waiting for your arrival,” Jungkook opens the door like the gentleman he is. Her smile was everything to him, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He kept a photo she gave him as a token of devotion and love, she loved him too, but she waited for the time the King arranged the royal wedding.

As the love of his life walks into the main hall, he goes back to grab his book which has seemed not to be where he dropped it. This was a strange occurrence, and he didn’t know what he did with it. Jungkook began frantically searching behind the bushes until someone pushed him over to the other side of the bush. “looking for this your majesty?” A tall male with a dark demeanour approached from behind him holding the Folklore book. Jungkook was angered by the utter disrespect he experienced and tried to grab this disrespectful man. “uh uh, it’s not very royal of you to grab a commoner like this is it?” he scoffed. As Jungkook blinked, the man vanished – where did he go – Jungkook was confused. He brushed himself off and sighed as he attempted to go back into the castle but he was tackled with super speed by this man. Everything turned black. He awakens, his neck and head in pain and his stomach growling in hunger. He thought he was pushed over and hurt his head and neck, only having a minor concussion on his head.

He thought nothing of it, the man must’ve attacked you since the King wasn’t favoured by a lot of people, so the prince was leverage to get back at him. He gulped, trying to cure his dry throat and entered back into the palace. The girl was sat at the dinner table along with his father and the girl’s assistant. She was a part of a rich family so her status was compatible with him. “Son where have you been? Why do you look so…. Pale?” The inspects him as Jungkook’s breathing became heavier. “Son are you unwell? Servants, take him to his quarters!” his father demanded. The girl’s assistant looked at Jungkook concerned, she knew what was wrong and little did the King know, she was a descendant of the most powerful of witches concealed as a commoner that would assist the wealthy family’s prized possession – their daughter- since she was the only half witch, wealthy child in the town. The daughter was also a part of the same bloodline, they were cousins of course although the daughter’s mother married a rich man, who was a powerless human being making her less powerful. As Jungkook was escorted to his slumber quarters he lay there in cold sweat.

“Your Majesty, would I have your permission to see your son to just examine his condition?” the assistant pleaded. The King agrees to the offer; “oh yes, please feel free, please tell me what’s wrong with him!” the King sounded concerned. She nods as she runs up the stairs holding her dress and stand outside his door. “May I come in?” she knocks with respect and manner. There was no reply or response so there was no choice but to open the door on her own, so she twisted the door handle and gulped. She gasped in absolute horror to see Jungkook drenched in the blood of his servants with the tall, broad shouldered man next to him. “well done my little fledgling, your first taste of human blood,” he smirked before going towards the witch. “Why are you here?” he asks the witch. “ Seokjin I could ask you the same! Why did you turn the PRINCE out of all people!” her voice was angry and infuriated. “just a bit of fun my magic potion,” he strokes her shoulder, or attempts to before he hisses. “hmm ouch extra witchy protection…” he scoffs “ well Prince Jungkook’s going to need one of your fancy sunlight protecting rings like your great-great grandmother made me, see you later.” He sits at the edge of the window before shifting into a crow and vanishing into the nothingness of the forest. What could she tell the King? She didn’t want him to become exiled or even worse, executed!

That’s what your aunt used to tell you. The tales of the vampires and the numerous supernatural creatures that roamed the town you lived in and how the castle that sat on the mountain was a chamber of secrets that no one dared to discover. It was said that anyone who even attempted to enter would either disappear or have vivid night terrors – it was deemed to be so haunted. “That sounds so cool!” your voice sounded vivacious “now I wanna go and see for myself!” but your aunt gave you a disapproving look. “I don’t think that would be the most ideal thing to do, don’t even dare!” she raised her voice, moving her hair out of her face as she began to gather the utensils from the side of the sink to dry them up and put them away. Your great grandmother gave you a family heirloom that was a blue crystal locket which was filled with a flower and another gem like stone which had a carved white rose on the surface. Your before she passed away, she told you to take care of it and to never lose it. You didn’t know why but you kept her word and wore it all the time. “so what happened to the prince after? Did the king ever find out?” You ask. “Your grandmother would know this, It’s just a story anyway but I think this is what happened,” she begins and continues the captivating tale of Prince Jungkook.

Shortly after the maids encounter with Seokjin, she turned around and heard rattling at the door but before she count meet whoever was outside, she failed to keep it closed and his lover ended up finding him in this condition; the fear in her eyes flooding her mind and showing on her face. Little did she know vampires fed off fear since adrenaline was what made blood sweeter and more available. He charged at her before the witch warded him off with the poisoned Vervain scalding his face making him whimper like a puppy. “you-”his lovers voice cracked, ““BEAST! FIEND! Stay away from me-” his lover screamed in terror. The witch shut the door on him and put her necklace with other magic and herbs on the handle of the door so he couldn’t open it. Jungkook’s lover ran down the stairs, stumbling and tripping but not caring, not giving a second though as to where she is running to. “where are you going!” the King tried to stop. “Your son- t-the Prince,” her words stumbled upon each other, “VAMPIRE” she yelled before running out of the palace, Jungkook watching the love of his life leaving him forever.

“what happened next? This is getting too good to stop here Aunt,” you lean on your hands at the island counter as she cooks dinner. “Hm, from what I can remember she told me that he had to be exiled probably executed too”

The Prince spent weeks in his room not being able to leave until the King brought in priests and organised a ceremony for everyone to attend although by everyone, he meant just the supernaturals. He didn’t like what he was going to do to his son, but he had to do as much as he could to keep his people safe even if that meant to kill his own son. During that ceremony, which was held at a local church, he trapped all the vampires inside and transported Jungkook to the building. He was chained like an animal and thrown into the building like he meant nothing. The supernaturals congregated outside the venue which was an ancient church that was built by the commoners many years prior to 1864. The doors opened to rows of concreate seats facing to the front of the church, wooden supports holding up the ceiling above the immortals and the alter standing at the front empty for a little while. Everyone was seated, the immortals though that them and the mortal King had a civil relationship- they were wrong. The ceremony started and Seokjin sat at the back and watched Jungkook sitting on the backrow, starved. “awh seems like someone was held hostage,” he snickers before getting his composure back. “Just a joke but you know what’s happening right?” Seokjins eyes widen excitedly, “this is a mass execution, he’s blowing the church up… bOOM!” He laughed hysterically “I know this only because this church had been rebuilt before because the same happened to me,” He sits beside you. “what! Blown up?” Jungkook asks, “yeah but it’s fine, I just wanna keep you by my side,” he smirks before searching for an escape route and little did the King know, Seokjin has been around for many years and knew the underground tunnel systems, so behind the alter was the entrance to the underground tunnels. There was a short pause before starting since the King forgot his ‘speech’ and had to go and find it in his carriage however that was when it was all going to happen. And it did.

“So did Prince Jungkook survive?” you question at the cliffhanger. “No one knows but legend has it that his spirit still lingers in the castle and the church and on top of that you can hear his angelic voice down every hallway,” you felt shivers down your spine. You wanted to see it for yourself; was it true the castle was still functioning as normal like people said. Your brother opens the front door and walks in beaten and bruised. “Namjoon! What happened?” the tone in your voice your voice sounded startled! It had been months since he got into a fight and it was usually over something stupid but this time something felt strange. “what happened? Answer me!” your aunt raise her voice.  Even if he was 20 he still needed some discipline since you both lost your parents at a young age. “fight, what else?” he throws his shows aside near the door and runs up the stairs slamming his bedroom door. Your aunt sighs’ “you two are making me feel old!” you get up from your seat and help her with the table, “but you’re very pretty though so don’t you worry.” Your mind lingered about the forbidden area of the town, where the new bell towered church sat, on the boarder of the road to the castle and the main town.

It was a new semester and you entered the school with confidence as your two best friends waited at the entrance for you. After the long summer, you, Jimin and Yoongi were finally united as a trio again and caught up on your summer away. “so, where did you go?” Jimin asked as he fixed the raven brooch on his jacket. “Oh, I just went to the countryside to see my grandmother and she told me all sorts of weird stories about our family, not going to lie they didn’t sound real, but her great grandmother was a witch!” the fascination in your voice being clear and present. “so that would mean you’re a witch, through descent!” Yoongi wonders, “but witches aren’t real?” you shake your head. “No, Yoongi, apparently according to her we also have psychics in our family so I could be either there’s a possibility!” you sounded crazy to them but you brushed it off because you know what you were told. Maybe it wasn’t real, your grandmother is old and stories can change over time. They’re stories after all. “maybe you’re right Yoongi, maybe it is just stories,” you continue walking with them. Despite being a new semester, it didn’t feel different at all. You wondered around to your class and placed your bag on the floor, your necklace falling out of your bag made another student turn their head. “Hey, you,” the person called out and you turned your head pointing to yourself. “me?” you tilt your head. “yeah, where did you get this collector’s item from?” He sounded so fascinated by it, “oh sorry for just taking it off you, I just love collector items especially when they have close historical links with the town!” he smiles “I’m Taehyung by the way!” he hands the necklace back to you and you held it back in your hands and wore it around your neck again to not lose it. For your films class you were put into pairs to produce a short film of any genre. There wasn’t anyone you really knew in the class although everyone has some acquaintances in the class so you glance over at Taehyung who twiddles his pen, leaning on his palm. It seems like he was waiting for someone to pair up with him. “you must me joking,” you mutter to yourself before you take your stuff and seat yourself next to him. “about time, I thought you’d move sooner to be fair,” he smiled at you, the curl on his forehead sitting peacefully before he blows it away from his face. “what you staring at? My curls,” he messes with you. “whatever, we need to plan our film, what are you into?” you ask him and he ponders with a pout, “I like documentary, what about you?” so you think. “I mean I don’t really mind, documentary is easy but maybe a short film would be so cool especially with the whole spooky history, what do you think?” Taehyung nods. “I supposed that’s a good idea too, we could combine them if we tried hard enough and I don’t know what kind of worker you are.” He rolls his eyes and then flashes a playful smile. God how cocky. He seemed like a nice guy so you let it be and tried to write up a plan for your class. Although once the bell went, you thought he’d leave – like every other project buddy you had – but he asked if you were doing anything after school. “oh, umm no I’m probably going to do some homework or start reading up for other classes, why?” he smiles softly, “oh I was wondering if you wanted to do anything interesting, only if you want!” You paused and stopped walking. “depends what it is?” you hoped it wasn’t something weird. “wanna go exploring?” the bells in your head started to ring. Did he just say exploring, as in discovering new things. “exploring what…” you drag on “oh come on, the forest! No one has been there in years god knows what we could find!” His voice was ecstatic. You didn’t want to be impulsive; “hmm I’ll let you know,” you shrug before you turn to go to the cafeteria, “wait! Heres’ my number if you’re interested” you take the piece of paper that seemed crumpled up and thank him, waving him goodbye. You see Jimin at his locker; “Hey!” you made him jump and he groaned, “oi, don’t do that that scared me, where’s yoongi?” he asks looking around. “I don’t know, I haven’t seen him since class?” but as you said that, he walks around the corner. “I see you made an impression on Taehyung,” he nods at you, “how did you know?” your eyes widened. “He’s going around telling false tales about him being a part of the hunter bloodline and how he found a witch or something, so I assumed he was talking about you” Yoongi whistled before heading to the cafeteria. You were confused, how did he even know that. “must be one compulsive liar,” Jimin snickers before punching Yoongi. “Possibly” he shrugs but it made you think how Yoongi didn’t believe you about the witch thing so there could be an element of truth. You were curious.

Home was where you felt safe yet so limited. A wooden box with a silver latch sat at your window ledge, entreating you to open it and discover what was inside. It was gifted by none other than your great-grandmother; and you glanced at it, your fingers twitching to unclip the lock. You ignore it, trying to dedicate your focus to your trigonometry homework however you felt an energy calling you. You tutted and groaned at your focus being dismantled by your frantic thoughts; you dropped you pen and slammed your book shut, walking over to the window where the box sit.

“this box should be kept near the window to ward off any supernatural energy to keep you safe.”

Your grandmother said weird and wacky things however you went along with it. You wanted to open the box and you went against your grandmother’s rules and sat at your window ledge but before opening the box, you realised that there were lights on at the vampire castle. Your jaw dropped and your eyes widened in joy – were you imagining things – you rubbed your eyed however they weren’t a figment of your imagination. It was real. You wanted to yell at your aunt to let her know but she already thought you were crazy so you left it and opened the box. It was an amethyst necklace with a silver spiral trapping the get and a purple and white flower inside and along with the necklace was a letter written a long time ago, it was concealed with a wax seal and carefully placed inside of the box. Your curiosity was intensified by the castle and you thought to yourself for a bit. Didn’t Taehyung want to go exploring? Maybe now would be a good idea but no, you wanted to see for yourself on your own. “hey, can I come in?” your Aunt asks knocking on the door so you leaped onto your bed and grabbed a textbook. “yes, you can!” you said slightly breathless. “I have some snacks for you, eat up,” she says before looking at your window wide open, “so what’s this then?” she sets some warm soup on your desk. “oh, it was just getting a bit stuffy” your nervously chuckle. She narrows her eyes, “alright, eat up alright, I’m going to watching a show, if you need me in downstairs.” She lets you know before shutting your door. You couldn’t let the soup go cold so you eye it for a moment before sighing and sitting at your desk, both hands cupping the curve of the bowl and, you guessed it, downed it in one go. You wiped your mouth fast and think of a route out and looking outside of your bedroom didn’t seem like a far jump down. You grabbed your phone and your jacket and tried to sneak out. It was a success. You sighed in relief and walked down the back streets, hood up, to the forest.

Dancing in the dark.

Stumbling through the leaves and decaying animals, you managed to enter the mystical forest you dreamed of going into you. The air was different, it stung to breathe in but perhaps that was the cold weather who knows. You hear a crunch of a twig snapping in half which startled you, your head whipped around to see nothing but the leaves swaying in the icy breeze. Inhale. Exhale. You went on your way further. The darkness made it difficult to see anything, you squint your eyes to check your surroundings. Are there still these supernatural creatures living or were they all killed off? The buzzing in your mind catches you off guard and you strip on a piece of concrete and reach out to grab the leafy floor although it was another concrete brick like textured object. Frantically, you search for your phone and press the flash button to see a staircase. A gasp leaves your mouth and you stand yourself up. The towering structure, two turrets and one fragmented turret loomed over you dauntingly. “that must be where he was held..” you whisper to yourself. A flash occurred from the corner of your eye and you were shaken by the suddenness of it. It seemed like a candlelight was blown out from the middle room of the castle but you weren’t too certain. You were hesitant to go inside but you took a deep breathe and you did. How bold of you. The doors were tall, around 7 feet tall with two ring handles, which seemed to be made out of a type of metal. The colour was faded and rusty. Your fingers brushed over it but the heavy, wooden doors gracefully opened welcomingly. The relinquished palace had a strong aura, an aura of life. You peer through the doors to see the interior cold and untouched. The mess of the table, an earring to gleaming in the moonlight next to your feet. You pick it up. This must be Prince Jungkook’s lover’s earring. You begin to explore this castle, the unbelievable history was at your finger tips right now. You look up to the stained glass windows that looked to the full moon, your necklace was shining bright… brighter than usual. Your curiosity took you to the broken turret room, the bed soaked in blood from that specific evening, the box let wide open with crystals and stone. “That must be from my grandmother,” you pick up the crystals, “holy water and herbs, what a great pair.” A voice spoke from behind your startling you. You turned around but no one was there; was it his voice still echoing in this room, does his spirit still roam?

“no, don’t be stupid, spirits can’t scream,” He chuckles. Why did he sound a lot like Taehyung? “Taehyung?” you stutter, “oh! It worked, wow I’m so happy,” Jungkook chuckles, “years of practice what can I say, the Kim’s were easy to mirror.”

You couldn’t believe it, it really was him in real life but you froze from fear and shock. “frightened now are we?” his eyes were glowing an fiery red, “go ahead, run like they all did,” he smirks before giving you way. You drop the crystals and you clutch to your necklace but as you bolt to the front door, stumbling down the stairs, he was already there waiting for you. “hm I’ve gotten quite good at this haven’t I My Love,” he smirks before you felt a pang of fear in your heart. You tripped over the concrete stairs again and you get back up again, running to the main town. Little did you know, you lost your necklace making you a lot more vulnerable than you think.

You climb onto the bins and try to pry your window open again and sneak back in. The lights were off so you had to be quiet. “my necklace!” you gasp at the realisation you lost it.

Your nightmares were vivid, like your were being attacked by him since you didn’t feel safe without your necklace. You didn’t know what it did but it kept you safe.

The necklace helps keep you safe from compulsion. Compulsion from a vampire is dangerous especially when they know you’re a witch, they can almost ask you for anything and use you for their own benefit. The necklace should always be worn, never taken off. The ring a vampire wears is keeps them from scorching in the sunlight, so they are among us – Witches society 1800’s

“Whatever, I’ll go back and find it,” you shake your head and open your eyes during the early hours of the morning. Two glowing orbs moved from your window and you rubbed your eyes and turned away. Your heart beat hard, like it was going to beat out of your chest.

You felt uneasy the next day at school but you went on as you would do. “have you seen Taehyung today?” Jimin asks pointing at him standing against his locker with your necklace in his hands. Anger flooded through your blood stream, why does HE have it? “Taehyung! Why did you take my necklace again?” you seemed to have forgotten what happened the night before. “what? I found this at the ca-“ he stopped himself, “hm, I see.. apologies here take it back,” he hands to you with a glint of mischief in his eyes, “only if you promise to help me find him.” You gasped at the absurd deal but you wanted to find him too, you wanted to know more. “fine..” you sigh and he smirks, “perfect…”

Why did you forget about what happened last night? Was it because you were under some sort of compulsion; the orbs? It must’ve been him. “Did you know your ancestors were from the line of the most powerful witches?” Taehyung whispers to you in film class. “yes, I did, how do you even know that?” You reply dryly. “Well your ancestors were of great help to us hunters,” he leans back in his chair, “although some of you were in love with the Prince and his family,” he scoffs. What did he mean by that? “huh? Elaborate please?” you ask him, pausing your written plan and turning to him. “My ancestors left letters, diaries and capsules for us and there was a division amongst the witches; some of you lot protected the prince and others wanted him dead so all the vervain plants in this town and perhaps all over the world were cursed as a repellent for compulsion, some other magic stuff was involved but I’m a hunter,” he starts off, “So the Lady of Prince Jungkook had a close link with the witches to protect her lover but unfortunately he turned and her assistant began to protect him since he did a lot for their family, no one knows of what happened to the Lady but legend has it that she was turned by something else I don’t really know and-“ you interrupt him, “you know awfully a lot don’t know hm…” you began to get suspicious of him but the crest on his jacket seemed believable enough. “maybe we should hang out after classes to actually talk about our history” his lips curl and he looks back at the teacher at the front of the room.

Later that afternoon; you and Taehyung sit face to face, opposing each other at a local café. “so, you are from the witches who kept these vampires safe and I’m obviously a hunter,”  you taps his fingers on the table, “you’re not a hunter you’re a descendant don’t get too cocky Tae,” you rolls your eyes. “Have you done magic?” he asks you, “well obviously not?” you take your cup and sip aggressively at his stupid remarks trying to drown it out. “I see, but you know what that necklace does right?” he points at your neck as the stone hung down. You shake your head. “stop compulsion and it’s also a poison to vampires,” he nods. “is it now…” you sounded unfazed. His hand touched your hand and you felt a strange sensation. Your body went into shock and a bright light flashed at your eyes and you were able to see something, like a movie but you were actually there. You saw yourself running away but your were inside of the castle, the lights were bright and you felt fear. You saw people with stakes and fire, as well as bows and arrows shooting at the turrets. It was the day the prince turned. Why were you running away? He lets his hand off you. “how was that? Did you know you could do that?” he smugly smiles. You felt your chest pang with pain and you felt breathless. “what the fuck was that?” you kick him under the table. “you just saw your past life, that’s all…”

So was Jungkook’s lover a witch too? Were you her? You couldn’t be. “I think we should go back to the castle, I want to check something,” you say, “now we’re talking little Witch,” he pats your head. “don’t fucking call me that, “you push his hand away, “disgusting.”

“Hey Aunt, I’m going to a friends house to stay over is that okay?” you ask her politely. “Of course! You can call me whenever you need to okay.” She smiles and waves. This was your chance to collect items from the castle. You met Taehyung at the taped trees where it said ‘no trespassing’ yet you and him crawled underneath and wondered deep inside the forest. “Wow, what if we just kissed here,” he nudged you. “I’ll tell you now, I have zero interest in you Hunter boy, shut up and start looking,” you sounded a tad bit aggressive but you had to show your place. You arrived at the entrance again although no lights in sight. The door was opened from the night before so you walked in, holding your necklace for protection; “I want to go to the study room,” you point and Tae nods. The study room was extravagant the walls opaqued with leather spined books. Your fingers brushed over them until one of them caught your eye. It was a book on Folklore but wedged between it was a thick envelope. You pulled it out, the wax seal opened and a fire damaged letter amongst others. They were love letters exchanged between him and his lover and one of them which he seemed to have opened when he was in the church. He managed to save it. You pull out a photograph too of his lover and you look at it closely, inspecting every detail until realising how much she looked like you. “doppelgänger?” you gasp before Taehyung wonders in finding something. “Hey, has there always been running electricity here?” he asks you. “it’s a really old castle so there shouldn’t be,?” you reply to him, shoving the letters in your bag. Taehyung switches a light on and back off. “you shouldn’t be snooping around my office…” Jungkook sits at his desk, legs up his eyes glinting a fire red. “You know, it’s been a while since I tasted any human blood in years, no one seems to give me any company…” You see a black shadow move to the light switch out the door and back to the seat in under a second. “oh yes and um.. you guys are trapped in here,” he smiles playfully. “now, what should we play? Spin the bottle and the first human it lands on I drain you? Sounds fair right?”

“we didn’t mean any harm, I was just curious what was in here because-” you were interrupted, “I know you didn’t mean any harm witch, I mean him,” his eyes began to burn a bright red, his fangs appearing as he smiled, his eyes dark. “nono, I’m not like them I’m just a highschool kid!” Jungkook nods at him pleading. “you know, the more scared you are the sweeter your blood tastes,” he charges at him and you squeal. “STOP!” Jungkook stops, his fangs and eyes turning back to normal. There was something about you that you didn’t know about yet Jungkook did. “Seems like you missed out on you history classes,” he chuckles before he gazed into Taehyung’s eyes and whispers something. “So, why did you want to snoop into my castle? Steal from me?” he scoffs as Taehyung moves to stand next to you. The necklace was dangling out of your bag and he carefully pulled it out and Jungkook smiled as he did so. “Leave from here..” His eyes glow a yellow this time and there as a feeling within you that you had to leave. Taehyung dropped the necklace to the floor and you had an urge to run away from this castle. Adrenaline began to seep into your system as Jungkook whispers “boo,” you bolted out the door which flung open. The rapid steps you too through the leaves was frantic and desperate to leave. His sly tricks; he used Taehyung’s weak body to compel you. You were vulnerable now.

Weeks went by and you had a memory which you couldn’t remember, a void in your mind, pure emptiness. You move your bag to the floor to empty a seat next to you in your history class but Taehyung wasn’t in today. Although someone else was. He looked familiar and like you knew him but you thought nothing of it. “hey, long time no see?” his lips curl into a smile and pushes his dark hair back. What? But when you blinked he was gone again. You were seeing things and you thought you were genuinely delusional to the point a doctor’s appointment sounded good. “yo guys?” you asked Jimin and Yoongi as you guys sat in the basketball court that lunch break. “Was a new student admitted today or am I going crazy?” You think carefully. “no new students today, you my friend need to lay off the caffeine and start sleeping, you’re up at like 3am every single day?” Jimin sighs, “SLEEP WILL YOU!” Your friends thought you were going a little crazy but you took their advice. You were feeling fatigued and low when you arrived home and your aunt was sitting on the couch with someone. “hey! Your friend came over to return this saying you lost it at school,” it was the necklace you thought you had. What, how? “hey there! Thought I’d come visit you to return this,” he smiles and his eyes glint the amber tone. Fuck. Jungkook compelled you to forget that day you and Taehyung went to the castle, he was playing mind games all day. So he was in school but only in your mind or had some power where he couldn’t be seen? “I was asking your aunt if we could hang out more often since you keep avoiding me these days,” his tongue rests on his fang before retracting them when your aunt faces him. “what a nice boy,” your aunt smiles, “of course you guys can hang out I’m more than happy to allow that, in fact now would be great since I have an interview to go to” she gets up in a hurry and grabs her bag. “where?” you ask her. “The café and bar down the road from here?” your aunt looks at you suspiciously. “Oh okay,” you say nervously before you and Jungkook were left in your house alone together.

“You’re not a very smart witch now are you, a little bit clumsy hm,” he hums, he stands up and moves closer to you. “since I have been invited in, no salt or garlic will ward me off..” he smiles mischievously, “your family gave me permission to enter, a little careless to be quite frank with you,” he rolls his eyes and smirks. “what do you want…” your voice shakes but you feel frozen. “What do you think? New blood…” with his power of speed, pushing your by your shoulders to the wall, his eyes sharp. “don’t mess this up for me okay, don’t do it again…” you felt a surge of emotions and visions moving through your mind, you could feel pain and resent , the feeling of betrayal and devastation, your neck burning on your left side before he let go of you. “You just saw everything didn’t you?” His voice profound. “I-” you gulp “what if I did? I don’t have control over it!” you pant after using that energy. “no one has done that for years, I guess you are useful after all even if you are the dumbest witch I’ve ever seen…” he scoffed. “well I guess I’ll go but I’ll see you when I need you to find her, bye dumb witch” he waves as he just walks out of the front door with no care in the world, like he’s a normal human. “I’M NOT A DUMB WITCH!” you screamed internally before slamming the door. It seemed like he was searching for his lover but why would she be alive now.. unless someone turned her?

A few months went by with no contact from Jungkook until your phone pinged in class this one day during class from a random number.

“look outside the window, meet me outside now.”

What the hell? You did what the text asked you to do and you see Jungkook in a jacket that you recognise. It was a leather jacket embellished with large silver button on the front, isn’t that yoongi’s. “yes witch it is yoongi’s but I didn’t kill him, hurry up,” he could hear your thoughts. You ignore him and moments later the fire alarm goes off. He was like a little demon causing trouble in your life!

You manage to go outside to evacuate, and he pulls you aside and used his powers to move away from the site. “Can you see into the past using this?” it was the letters and the photo you took but he got them back somehow. You didn’t want to admit to stealing them. “I don’t know how to use my powers,” you mutter “what… you don’t what…” he stands towering over you, “just try, I don’t know manifest it or whatever you do?”

He was clueless yet desperate to get answers about his beloved. “I have to read up on this I really don’t know much,” you panic before he holds you hands between his, the letters and photos sandwiched between you palms. He was the closest thing to her and it worked, his energy worked.

–

You saw a night sky, the stars scattered across the sky like precious jewels it’s luminescent light beaming down with a full moon perched just above one of the towers. His beloved stood at the castle doors after Jungkook’s father’s death, the empty halls echoing Jungkook’s shrieks of pain. It was empty, or so she thought. But you felt a sensation, it was harsh and painful like something piercing through skin. It was Seokjin. “every single one of my prey are stupid,” he tuts before draining her and leaving her lifeless corpse to someone else. There was a crowd of people, hunter supposedly; “Stop, isn’t this the woman that was supposed to marry the prince?” One of them gasped. “yes sir, it was but is she dead?” another queries. “Seems so Hunter… do you think Jungkook is still alive?” the leader tuts. “I don’t think so, the fire seemed difficult to escape from…”

But during that time Jungkook left for Europe, to be safe, to join the European vampire population for a while before returning a few hundred years later.

–

Jungkook’s pale skin became paler with anticipation. “so… what did you see?” he asks, eyes full of hope. “she died… a long, long time ago..” you gulp pulling your hands away before running the opposite direction. Jungkook catches up. “Oi witch,” he chuckles nervously, “you better be joking,” his voice trembles and slowly turns into anger. “Who killed her, tell me, tell me how she died witch or I will kill you for being so useless!” he raises his voice. “I don’t know! He had pale skin and dark hair, broad shoulders and he was a vampire too!” you yelp. Jungkook steps back. “seokjin attacked my Princess… knowing I was waiting for her…” Jungkook’s voice became sorrowful, his heart shattering into a million pieces there and then. “I searched for her for years and what’s the point now..” his fiery eyes shoot at you. “what can you do to fix this, to bring her back, you can do it right?”

“I-I don’t know how, please don’t hurt me,” you cover yourself with your arms. “I wont hurt you.. you did the best you could and I cant be angry at you, I’m sorry”

You could feel his pain, his heart tightening and not releasing at the though of the love of his life being gone. “is there anything I can do to help you?” you ask hoping there was something you could help with. “you could stake me?” His voice was lifeless and monotonous. “I don’t think I want to Jungkook, if it makes you feel better I have always been interested in you and your history, my great grandmother told us about how everything was like back in her times and-” Jungkook interrupted you; “who was your great grandmother what did she do?” You felt a connection now, there was something he unlocked. You explained to him how your great grandmother was a part of the powerful witches in her time and how his lover was close with her. Although that’s when it hit you that that was her story she was telling and you unlocked a new timeline. “you are no way the descendant of-“ he paused, “let me process this, so I am talking to a close relative, well distant but you know of the woman I was meant to marry.. it makes so much sense why you looked like her I followed you around every where thinking it was her but I have been proven wrong and I’m sorry…”

he followed me? It all made sense.. the glowing orbs outside the window, the strange noises you’d hear every night, the vivid nightmares.

“oh, that’s fine,” you didn’t know what more to say but you felt bad for him. Jimin texted you and said that everyone was sent home because there was a gas leak in the school. “ah great, we’ve been sent home because of a gas leak,” you sigh, “well, I guess I’ll be going sorry for not being much help.” You say before turning around and making your way to the street. Jungkook grabs your arm. “wait, I’ve been so lonely and constantly on the run,” he begins, “it would be nice to have a friend that’s close to home,” he smiles. He genuinely smiled at you; “me? Didn’t you call me dumb?” you tut, “okay maybe I did and maybe you are but hey there’s no harm in some teasing hm?” he eases on his grip. “well, okay I suppose but where Taehyung?” you ask him suspicious of his intentions. “Oh, I told him to stay away from you since I knew how his ancestors were like, not nice people I’ll tell you,” You nod you head, interested in what he had to say. Maybe this would change things around, make your boring life a little more interesting.

Weeks went by and you didn’t hear from Jungkook which was of surprise to you since HE was the one pleading you almost to be friends. It was around 1am and you sat at your window watching the moon and the stars as the breeze brushes against your legs. You sigh, what a mad world you lived in? People think you’re crazy but the crazy people think you’re fascinating. Funny. You noticed little trinkets and strange objects being wedged or put outside your window. First it was some sort of herb then it was a gold chain with a rose that opened to store powders to other herbal substances in. “Nice moon right?” Jungkook smiles making you yelp nearly tumbling out of the window. “How are you in my ro-“ his finger rests on your lips and hushes you. “Shifting, finally mastered it, wanna go out for a bit and talk?” he asks and flashes a mischievous smile. “1am? Are you crazy?” You gasp. “you’re asking a vampire who eats people if they’re crazy…” you look at him and blink. “I don’t eat people only those who deserve it,” his cheeks puff up as he smiles. “okay fine lemme just ge-“ before you could finish any sentence he grabbed you around your waist and you both were somehow on the ground. “You need to stop doing that, I have motion sickness,” you breathe. “maybe you should collect some leaves for that then,” Jungkook sarcastically remarks and you groan at his incompetency to communicate without insulting you. “please, stop insulting me,” you roll your eyes. “but… you’re a bit of a idiot though… you couldn’t even figure out how to use your necklaces and utilise your herbs what if I killed you huh?” he shoved you as you walked through the empty town. “then I DIE? Oh wait you wouldn’t know that because you’re IMMORTAL!” you scoff, “bet you don’t even know how death feels like,” you cross your arms.

Jungkook laughs at you getting angry at what he says. He’s been around long enough to figure out how to tease. He looks around to see if anything was open. “there’s that diner place open,” Jungkook points. “please stop reading my thoughts, it’s weird and creepy!” You mumble and he chuckles. “Scared I’ll see something I shouldn’t?” he nudges you gently before opening the door to let you in first.

“Jungkook, long time no see,” the owner smiles with such delight as she goes to hug him. You were confused and downright shocked to see such close interaction. “this is the owner, I don’t think you met her, she’s very sweet almost like my mother,” Jungkook’s arm drapes around her shoulder. “how long have you known him for?” You ask knowing for a fact that Jungkook is a few hundred years old. “He came in a couple years ago drenched in the rain, he seemed so exhausted,”

I wonder why…

“ohh okay, fair enough, just so you know I’m not his girlfriend or anything,” you tut before sitting down. “I love the steaks here, they’re so .. tender,” Jungkook teases. “please don’t put me off-“ you raise your hand gesturing ‘stop’. He sat back and let the waitress do her job. You sat there with food in front of you and Jungkook gesturing for you to eat, “promise you wont kill me will you, I’ve had enough of the tension of you trying to kill me,” Jungkook’s eyes widen. “oh no no you got the wrong idea, I want to befriend you not k-“ he whispers, “kill you?”

“right so what DO you want,” you chew as you speak. “friendship dumb witch what else? Just a companion until you die or something,”

Great, just another person to use you again.

“mmh okay,” your unsure, monotonous voice echoes in his ears.

Since the night at the diner you had a bittersweet relationship with Jungkook and ever since that day, he began to wait outside you school to see you and hang out with you or sometimes turn up at your house. He was suspicious to you but you went with it to do your own investigating.

“Why are you here?” your harsh tone a little too harsh for Jungkook’s liking. He gazed at you and then your aunt; “hey is your niece allowed to come to mine since we have a project to study for?” he shouts out to her and she turns around elated. “oh of course anytime! Thank you for asking for permission, I’m not good at this parenting stuff,” he scratches the back of her head. “what do you think you’re doing?” your intonation increases. “a favour trust me,” he winks at you and then smiles at your aunt. “come on then, we better be going since it’s super important!”

You were confused and unsure how to react. What did he want from you that needed you to be away from the town – it was incredibly suspicious. You and Jungkook walked down the main street towards a small gap behind some buildings. “what- where are you taking me?” Your stutter and Jungkook sighs, noticeably annoyed at you for being so uncooperative. “maybe it’s easier if I just do this-“ he groans as he swipes you of your feet and all you felt was a huge gust of wind in your face. Your face, unconsciously, buried itself into Jungkook’s chest as you gripped onto his arm for safety. He needs to not use his speed on you without notice, motion sickness is not fun. After meandering through the trees and trampling over dead leaves he arrives to the destination. “if I put you down you will throw up on my stairs and I do not want that witch,” he grins as he saw your face embarrassed since he read your thoughts. “also it is not weird you buried you head into my chest, quite frankly, I enjoyed that,” he chuckles as you slap his chest defensively, “don’t make fun of me!”

He seats you down on a chair, embellished in gold and a burgundy velvet, the arms a solid wood. All the chairs were like this, the royal aura still remained. “everything is fully functioning because over the years I adapted and I fixed things here and there, the only thing not working right now is the dismantled turret,” he laughs thinking this ‘joke’ was funny. You let out a nervous laugh. You weren’t going to lie to yourself but your heart acted strangely when he showed his true self to you. “you were interested in discovering more about the castle so why not give you a tour!” as he began he gently took your hand considering you were feeling a little sick from the sudden, rapid movement. Your heart did it again, stop.

Jungkook started off with the dining and study area going into depth about how his father would do his work there and how he would sometimes fall asleep. Jungkook spent most his time in this study when he read books and learnt more about the world around him and. The grand staircase; he helped you up the stairs, hand in hand and showed you the east side and the west side. There was a locked door in one of the walls which caught your eye. “What’s this?” you ask Jungkook, “ well that used to be the execution dungeon and since my father died I never opened it once,” he continues to walk up as you nod your head affirmatively. “Finally this is my bedroom, since my one was well… destroyed,” you gulp. You look around; the brown and beige colour scheme was very modern although the lights were still chandeliers. The walls were all painted a hazelnut tone but there was gold embellishing on the side skirting.  There was a combination of modern and historical aspects, it was fascinating. You felt an odd connection to the castle but you never understood why and thought nothing of it yet again. “my love looked exactly like you,” he sat down solemn on his bed and pats the space beside him for you to sit next to him. “I remember she used to pick those lavenders in the lavender fields with her maid over there,” he points out of the window where there was a windmill but the land was replaced by plain dirt. “she loved blossoming flowers, Gypsophila, she loved those,” he trailed off as he looks at a broke stem on his bed side table. “I though he’d turn her, he promised he would for me?” you stopped him there. “wait who is this ‘he’ you’re taking about?” you ask engrossed in his own history. “Seokjin, member of one of the first ever vampires, he turned me for no reason other than boredom,” he groans in annoyance, “why me?”

“does he not visit now and then or is he just travelling all the time?” you ask. “of course, he’s living his life, committing crimes, getting the women he loves and left a hopeless, family-less prince alone for years, he lied to me,” his voice cracked. “Hey, don’t worry it must’ve been hard for you to be alone all these years and fend for yourself! That’s just cruel,” your hand settles on his shoulder and he falls to your lap. “now, you’re the only friend I have and who doesn’t think I’m insane…” he begins “but the downside is you look like her and I don’t know what to feel?”

You needed answers. Everything he said made sense although you needed to find out more and your grandmother’s friends were the place to go… at some point.

As you sat at a table in the cafeteria with Jimin and Yoongi you scroll through your messages from your aunt since you searched for any contacts your grandmother left behind. There was one person who you knew quite well though you needed some time to visit her. “what are you doing, you’ve been so distant from us we don’t hang out anymore?” Yoongi confronts your odd behaviours, “yeah you have and it feels like you don’t want to hang out because we saw-“ Yoongi eyes Jimin to be quiet. What was being said about you? “what? Saw what?” you ask looking at them both, “the dude that waits for you outside like everyday, you never said you got into a relationship?” Jimin crossed his arms. “look, that isn’t my boyfriend for starters, he just needs some help with finding someone who was close to me,” you lie a bit, “he’s just someone who knows my family and I’m helping him until he leaves, don’t get mad at me for it,” you pleaded. They both look at each other and nod; “fine, I’m assuming you’re busy today too?” Yoongi sips at his drink. You nod. “as I thought, alright no problem we’ll organise something some other time,”

Phew. You were off the hook. After school that day, you went home to pack a bag with some necessary items like your portable charger, some snacks, your purse, a hair tie and just an extra set of clothes if you got stuck somewhere. “hey Aunt, I’m going to visit grandmother’s friend, is that okay?” you ask her ad she stares as your bag. “how long for sweetie?” she points, “oh not too long, I just have stuff in there for emergencies since buses don’t go there often,” you nod. “hmm okay, fine keep messaging me and updated! Be safe,” She waves. You open the door and Jungkook stands there, a new phone in his hand. “got an upgrade!” he smiles “wait, where are you off to?” he asks as he follows you to the bus stations. “no where, just go home,” you mutter. “no tell me or I’ll read your mind!” he threatens -playfully of course- , and you stop walking. “just leave me alone this once and let me find something out alone without you constantly invading my privacy! Get a grip vampire!” your tone was harsh and frustrated. “there was no need for that but apologies witch, I’ll leave you, farewell.” His smile faded and his playful face vanished. He turned around and walked away without turning back and eventually disappeared into the dark nothingness.

You tried to brush it off but to think that’s how his past lover might’ve acted towards him made you feel guilty. The bus was empty, as dead as night, only a few travellers boarding to visit people or for other reasons that no one knows about. The engine growled as the driver sighed as he waited for all the passengers to board. You situated yourself on the left, three rows from the back placing your bag next to you so no one sat with you. The bus jolted and began to move out of the bay it was parked in; the journey began. The stars covered the bleak sky and your head rested on the cold glass of the bus. Your phone flashes blue; “hope your journey is safe!” it was Jimin sending you a text message. Your grandmother’s friend’s house was around 2 hours away so the journey was a long one indeed and the last stop was directly near her home. During the trip you drifted off and the dream you had felt like a message. You saw fire, blazing flames and hear shrieks and screams but from your point of view, you were running far far away. You saw a carriage and a white horse which you climbed into and you began to go somewhere, like it was an escape. The area was a rural area, with flower fields and a windmill – one of which you recognised- although there is where you dream stopped and the bus driver was standing next to your seat. “Sorry ma’am but this is the last stop, are you getting off here?” he asks you a little concerned. “oh yeah that’s fine, this is the stop I needed anyway!” you frantically grab your bags and run off the bus. There was barely any lights except for one house which was visibly your grandmothers friends home. You remember the windmill behind her home and the large flower field that stretched out for miles. You knock on the door and it immediately opens. “I was expecting you darling,” she smiles as she lets you in to get warm and comfortable.

“I know what you’re here, I’ve been feeling a strange energy for a couple months, something supernatural?” she utters, “am I right that you’ve encountered supernatural energy?” she asks straightforwardly. “how did you even know” you ask her your mouth semi gaping open. “your grandmother left me a few things and one of them was a necklace connected to you,” she smiles as she shows her wrist with the stone with your initial on it. “ like voodoo?” your eyes widen. “no silly, it’s to keep you protected,” she smiles setting down an herbal tea in front of you. You sip it and it tasted bitter; “sweet isn’t it?” the woman asks, “you can call me your grandmother by the way.” You look at her strangely. “is the tea supposed to be sweet because it’s too bitter?” the ‘grandmother’ shakes her head, “you’ve been interacting with this supernatural energy, have you been put under compulsion,” she asks concerned. “well that’s why I’m here, I met the Vampire Prince and he said that I look like his past love or something and that there’s a strong connection with me and his past so I came here for you to look at my past life?” you explain to her briefly. “past life? Connection to THE vampire prince? I haven’t heard of him in years I thought he was killed that’s what my great grandmother told your grandmother before she passed?” she thought carefully, “okay what did you want to know? Your past life?” she asks again, and you nod your head sure and certain that’s what you wanted to do.

You sat in the armchair and she began to speak to you until you suddenly went into a dream like state. From then you had no idea what was happening in the real world.

Your past life was blessed with riches and wealth. You were in your early 20’s and had a good life til then. You had a cousin who was by your side all the time and you spent most of your time together in the lavender fields and at banquets with your past life father’s family. There was a lot of gold and white, lace and silk. You wrote long hand written letters and sealed them, storing them in a brown tea stained envelope with a rosemary tied to it with a small length of tweed string. From the riches and wealth it declined after you ran away from a castle, your pearl earring falling from your ear. You also tried to run away but were stopped by another entity and that’s when you passed away.

So it did make sense. You were a perfect reincarnated version of the vampire prince’s first love. It made sense how you were a witch too, it made sense how your parents were murdered. It was the hunters trying to cleanse the town of all witches since they sided with the vampires. You opened your eyes from your hypnosis and felt your cheeks wet. “don’t worry, now you have your answer use it wisely,” she says as she goes to the kitchen. Maybe seeing Jungkook next might be the next best idea. Although tonight you had to stay here since it was already late enough and your grandmother’s friends let you stay for the night.

Jungkook sat on his bed looking at the stem on his bedside table. He sighed wishing he could bring her back but what use was there if she grew a bitterness to him because of him being a vampire. The new version of her was so much more open minded and considerate. She was different but also the same but all that mattered is that he felt accepted by you. Perhaps the Prince was falling in love again and wouldn’t that be predictable if he felt accepted. “it could’ve been this way if you weren’t so afraid and trusted me…” he whispered to himself, a tear trailing down his cheek. He was certain he was falling for you, he could feel a change after all these years. Finally he felt the burden raise from his shoulders and he felt like he can move on with someone new. Change has come.

Your route home was early the next morning. The bus arrived at 8am so you needed to take that bus home so you could at least attend you afternoon classes. The bus was fuller, and you had to sit next to someone. You gave them an awkward smile and sat down although they didn’t acknowledge you at all and ignored you. 2 hours felts too long but you dealt with it. Fast forward to when you arrived, you went home to grab your books to go attend classes. You felt some ease knowing your past and your connections it also seems like Taehyung transferred elsewhere after the threats he got from Jungkook. You seat yourself in your class and Jimin hands you over the notes taken for another class, you mouth ‘thank you’ as you take them off him. “how was your trip?” Jimin asked. “it was okay, actually it was great!” you smiled. Something seemed to have changed since to left for a day.

When your afternoon classes ended, you walked out with Yoongi and Jimin waving them goodbye since they had other plans for the evening. You see Jungkook leaning against the fence waiting for you and waved at you. He has a glow today and seemed really ecstatic. “hey, are you alrig-“ before you could even finish your sentence he pulled you into a hug. “I feel great,” he smiles, “wanna grab a coffee? It’s on me,” he smiles, his bunny like teeth showing. It was truly endearing. You nod your head, “of course!” the change of behaviour making you feel something in your stomach. Butterflies? Possibly, yes.

You sit at a table in a rustic looking coffee house and Jungkook goes to order two coffees, one being a caramel macchiato with extra caramel drizzle and a black coffee with an extra espresso shot. “ you seem so happy today? Whats up,” you ask him drinking your black coffee. He smiles shyly, you’ve never seen this side of him before; “I guess I’ve moved on after all these years,” he sips his sweet drink, “I found someone else,” Oh someone else… “is she pretty do I know her?” you pretend to act dumb. “yes, yes you are.” He looks at your, eyes full of love. It made sense, his past lover was bitter towards him and the universe let him start again with you. “me?” you point at yourself, “don’t be stupid why wo-“ he interrupts, “because you accepted me, no one else did and if they did it was the work of compulsion.” He gulped. “I mean it would be wrong for a vampire and a witch to be together any way right?” He chuckled nervously. “I don’t think so…” you began to let your suppressed feelings seep through. “it’s not a crime is it, to love someone who makes you feel the way you do?” you begin to mumble nervous that the words spewing out of your mouth made sense. “are you telling me Little Witch that you shared the same feelings,” his cockiness took over again. “oh my god you ruined the moment with your cockiness!” you swing  your head back in frustration, “yes yes I do, is that clear enough?”

Despite you being passive aggressive, he found it charming. After your lowkey coffee date, you both walked along the stream that was near the town with beautiful greenery. His hand nervously tried to slip into yours as you walked but he freaked out every time. “what’s wrong, the herbs getting to you?” you tease. “huh what, what herbs are you trying to poison me!” he pretends being over dramatic. “The herbs behind those mushrooms there,” you point and go to collect them into your little metal tin box. “don’t worry I’ll wash my hands in the stream so you can hold it, it’s getting pretty heavy for me,” you cringed at your pick up line but Jungkook appreciated it. “with your advice, I borrowed a book from someone that was passed down for generations so I can practice witchcraft properly!” You tell Jungkook as his hand holds yours. “wow you actually took my advice,” he becomes shy. “this isn’t like you, you’re usually so confident and cocky,” you laugh before he smiles and uses his speed to push you up against a tree as he looks at you with eyes full or adoration. “is this more like me now?” his fingers brushing down the side of your cheeks and tucking your hair behind your ear. He admired every inch of your face and you stared back at him in awe. Without anything being said he had his first kiss with you after all these years waiting for the other version of you. The kiss only lasted a couple seconds since it was a peck and he moved back and lovingly gazed into your eyes for a little bit before your hands cupped his jaw and brought it closer to your lips for something a little more meaningful than a peck. Although midway through the kiss, drops of rainfall plunged from the grey clouds looming above you. “ugh,” Jungkook groaned before he swiped you up again, “hang on tight,” he smiled sweetly before speeding to his home sheltering you from the rain. “are you feeling okay because I know last time you weren’t feeling the best.” He asked you. “yes I’m fine,” you brush yourself down from where the rain did catch you.

Months passed and your relationship with him grew. You were both at your happiest until Seokjin came to visit one day. “I see you found another one,” he scoffs, “what a lousy vampire you are!” he leans against the wall of his castle. “leave her alone, I know what you did to my first love!” Jungkook growls. “or what? Are you going to kill me,” you laughs manically. “being a vampire means being alone and just using people for your own good,” Seokjin was cold, “either you break her heart or I will, your choice” he threatens. “Seokjin, leave, just go I don’t know what you’re on my tail,” Jungkook yells. “you’re a vampire not a wolf idiot, and because you are one of my creations,” he laughs again. “you wouldn’t kill her,” Jungkook states, “you’re right I wouldn’t, but I can kill you and devour your corpse, your choice…”

He leaves again but his words meant nothing to Jungkook. Was there a reason to why he killed his first love and threatened him about Jungkook’s current girlfriend now? There was. A hidden history no one knew about, not even Jungkook. He ignored him and continued his relationship with you inviting you to his castle that day. “hey, what’s wrong?” you ask him, embracing him after the phone call you had. “can you stay with me today?” he asks. “yeah I can but what’s wrong?” Jungkook didn’t reply. He didn’t speak but he arms wrapped around your body and embraced you back. “just be with me, like this for a little while,” little did you know he was battling an actual war with Seokjin but he refused to let anything get between you and him. He would risk his life for you, fight for you. Losing himself would be better than losing you and he lived by that. Beneath the ‘Vampire Prince’ image was just a poor boy who lost everything. You lean back and lift his head up as it was drooping so low. Without any notice, his lips landed carefully onto yours and his arm around your waist pulls you closer although the atmosphere was different. He was scared and desperate. He said nothing but only a small apology left his lips. He was gentle and slow but began to feel desperate for more than a mere kiss. His kisses trail down the side of your lip to your jaw and as much as you trusted him you were a little frightened at his cravings. “don’t-” you panic. He looks at you with pleading eyes, “I promise, I will never hurt you,” his voice cracked. He was deceived and left stranded to be killed by his previous lover, you were his only anchor now. He began to get slightly more passionate that before and using his speed abilities, you found yourself in his bedroom, you still between his arms. You knew he wouldn’t cross the line, he wanted whatever you wanted, and this is where you were most comfortable with. Jungkook proceeded to continue his actions moving closer to his bed and gently laying you down as he situated himself over you. The passion within him was burning like a fire, he was waiting for the day he could care for the love of his life.

The airport was bustling with people from all over the world. People with hoods up, a neck pillows around their neck, sweatshirts on and power banks at hand. Your arms wrap around you, tightening around you as you walk alongside Changkyun and Kihyun. Changkyun rolls his suitcases along side him, his hood looming over his head and his airpods in his ears ready for his departure. The atmosphere was tense but you knew what you heart was feeling. Kihyun tried to initiate conversation and Changkyun tried to keep his composure too since his mind was hectic enough after what happened a month or so ago. He stood still and turned around ready to say goodbye to his two best friends. You coudnt be mad at him, he was following his dream, something you encouraged so you took a deep breath and gave him once last hug. Who knew when he’d come back, today was the last day. “Hey, I’ll message you and talk to you and we can still play you know?” his hand rests at the back of your head and you felt serenity when he did so. You nod your head, feeling your eyes pool with tears already; “I value our friendship and trust me, it will never change!” he forces a smile knowing how much it pained him to formulate what came out of his mouth. Kihyun gently patted your back as you stepped away from Changkyun, your cheeks wet from your tears. “Your hoodies wet, sorry.” You sniffle as Changkyun just smiles at you reassuringly. “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” He looks down in despair. Changkyun hugs Kihyun however this time it felt apologetic and empathetic; “I’m sorry if I caused you any pain Kihyun, take care of her well, I’ll see you again sometime soon,” His lips stretch into a smile before he grabs his suitcase to make his journey to the States. Who knew when the trio would meet again.

“Hey, are you okay?” Kihyun asks you. He could tell from the empty stare that you were hurt but you turn to him smiling as you’d always do, “yeah, I’m okay just… wouldn’t have expected him to leave you know?” you shrug before linking your arm with Kihyun’s. Changkyun pondered in the aircraft, his head leaning against the interior of the plane, staring to the nothingness outside. He was off to the states with his parents to start a new life, to experience new things. You and Kihyun took the bus home but instead Kihyun stopped off at the mall. “why did you stop here?” you ask looking at yourself in your compact mirror. “Maybe get you something to eat since you didn’t eat anything?” He grabs your hand and looks back up at your again and stops for a moment. Maybe that wasn’t a good idea? He gently takes his hand away from yours and waits for you to get off before he followed. Kihyun tried his best on this occasion to make you happy, paying for food and also buying some ice cream. The sky was progressively getting darker as you both walked home together the sweetness of the ice cream setting on your tastebuds. “are you feeling slightly better now?” he asks you as he holds the empty ice cream cup in his left hand leaving his right hand unoccupied. “a little bit, I guess I just have to accept it right?” you smile at him, “besides I’m moving onto campus in a couple days so it’s just the matter of getting on with it.” You clear you throat before a downpour spewed from the darkened sky. Instinctively, you latch onto Kihyun’s arm but that was when he’d have an umbrella on him. “it didn’t say it’d rain today?” Kihyun looks over at you shivering from the rain. He takes his long bomber jacket off from his body and drapes it over your shoulders to keep you as warm as possible. “What are you doing Kihyun?” the exclamation in your voice startling him. “You’re cold and I gave you my jacket,” Kihyun’s head tilts, stating what he was doing. “I mean, thank you I do appreciate it,” you smile, “if you had other ideas in your head, don’t..” Kihyun panicked. You smiled at his light-hearted teasing but Kihyun looked ahead whilst walking. You approached your house first and gave Kihyun a hug; “thank you for walking me home and comforting me this evening,” You say as your head was leaning into his shoulder, his arms were around your waist respectively. “I’ll be here for you and Changkyun will be there for you to regardless of time zones,” he speaks softly as you part from the embrace, “I know, I hope we can still keep in touch when we move to university.” You say as you make eye contact with Kihyun’s . You remove the jacket from the shoulders and hand it to Kihyun; “please get home safely, message me when you’re home,” You smile at Kihyun. It was like old times, where you used to prove you cared for me…“I will, I promise,” Kihyun puts his hand on your shoulder before he turns around and leaves through the gates and disappears around the corner. My heart never skipped beats like this before, get a hold of yourself. He puts his jacket back on and makes the rest of the journey home with the bus.

“Are you home yet?” you type in then delete the message. Your phone rests in your hand and you think what to write. You didn’t want to sound obsessive or too protective but you wanted to sound protective enough. “hey, are you home safe and sound?”

Kihyun looks down at his phone, taking it out of his pocket as he takes his shoes off and hangs his wet jacket to dry. “Yeah, just walked in,” Kihyun types, it felt weird how you’d message him only when you didn’t have Changkyun’s attention but he shook his head to forget the absurd thoughts since his mind was making things up to mess with him. “you okay?” he messages back.

“Yeah especially after this evening, thank you so much Kihyun,” you reply to him as you sit at your dining table with your family for dinner; “do you wanna maybe help out with me moving out?” you type then delete it again because he must be doing the same. “when will you be moving to your uni campus?” You ask him since you didn’t know where he was going but assumed it wasn’t to yours. “I’m packing on Thursday for Saturday.” Kihyun replies,

The blinking line in the text box blinks to the rhythm of your heart. You felt stupid for asking but you were curious. Your evening was spent with your family, enjoying and celebrating your acceptance to Seoul University; you wondered how these wondrous dorms looked like and if you were going to have a room mate, you thought about making new friends and going to university events and having unlimited access to the library that was radiating knowledge. It was all so new and it was exciting to you. You messaged Changkyun just so he knew you were thinking about him and you waited for his response although you knew he wouldn’t reply until tomorrow. You had to begin packing so you went to scavenge for some boxes which were in the attic. Your father helped bring the ladder down and you both went up to grab some boxes and to your surprise you found a few things that your forgot about. There were some photo albums and multiple boxes of trinkets and items which you went through. They were photos of you and Kihyun from your preschool days, some toys and presents that were made by Kihyun and a his glove that he left at your house when he was 6 years old. It brought a smile to you face. “hey, are these all you need?” your father asks holding up some flat boxes; “huh? Oh, yeah those are it!” you leave the stuff in the box and put it back into its place and going back down to pack your items. During the process, it felt nauseating to leave your family and voyage on this journey alone. How would you cope without your mother and father there to help you when you needed them, your mothers cooking, your puppy? It should be fine right? Your desk was almost all cleared away and you grabbed the final two things; the photo of you Changkyun and Kihyun and the stuffed bunny. You couldn’t leave them behind you had to take them with you.

Moving out day arrived shortly and you sat in the car with your father going to your campus to move in. “did you check your accommodation?” your father asks. “I did and it looked good!” you smile confidently. Little did you know photos and real life are two different things. You arrived to your accommodation; it was a tall building looming over on the street that had other accommodation complexes; the prices were astronomical and almost unaffordable so you stayed safe with the cheaper option. You fiddle with the keycard between your sweaty palms, why were you so nervous? You got to your dorm and you swiped the card to let you in although, despite the technology, the interior was cold and almost damp. “oh god, why is it like this in here?” your father asks as he takes a look around. The gas pipes trailed along the skirting of the walls, the paint was chipped and had minor stains on them which you didn’t want to question, not to mention the tattered curtains and dark carpets. “these carpets were supposed to be a light brown,” your father gulped “I have a carpet cleaner at home, we can clean this place up a bit before you settle?” he suggests and you just nod to him, not feeling very satisfied with what you have witnessed. You check the bathroom; the tiles were a rusty brown and there was limescale covering the shower head, taps and sink. God… you thought to yourself, you had a lot of cleaning to do. You didn’t have a private kitchen so the communal kitchen was something you had to get used to as well as sharing a fridge and cupboards. From this day on, you began to get your dorm into shape, cleaning and restoring the dorm as much as you could and investing in some slippers just to be extra clean! You set up your computer at your desk and brought in your items to move in peacefully. The windows were large and opened wide enough to let out the aroma of bleach and chemicals waft out as you spray some air freshener so you could respirate in your own living space. After your father left, you tried to get used to your dorm before there was a knock just as you sat down. You didn’t know if you should open the door so you just yelled: “ I didn’t order anything, I just moved in!”

“We’re not here for delivery!” one of the voices called out. It was a cheerful, higher pitched voice. She sounded cute and friendly so you stood up and took the risk to open the door. The girl had a blue hair that was looking seafoam green in the hallway lighting. He eyes were rounder and her dark almost like a puppy. “Hello floor mate, I’m Gowon!” she is the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my life – you thought to yourself. “ I moved in a couple weeks ago and I thought we could get to know each other!” She smiles, her pink tinted lips turn into a wholesome smile. You nervously chuckle, “ahah yeah! That’d be nice. I’m trying to get used to me dorm right now,” your hand rests on the back of your neck. “ you’ll get used to it in no time!” she smiles at you, “what are you going to major in?” she asks. God, I’m a Business and Management major, does that make me boring? “Business and Management..” your tone lowers, embarrassed at what you were saying. “Oh my god really! My friend does that, I’m super interested in fashion so fashion designing was quite interesting!” who was her friend? “do you have anyone from your school here?” Gowon asks and you shake your head. “what can you do,” you let your lips curl into a smile, “ one of my friends moved to the states because he wanted to go to university there and my other friend is staying here but I don’t know where he’s going, he hasn’t told me and I don’t wanna ask him because what if he did tell me and I wasn’t listening, I’d feel bad.” Your thoughts where going hectic. Gowon puts her hand on your shoulder, “hey! It’s okay if you keep in contact that’s all that matters and besides you can meet new people here!”

Gowon was so sweet and you could see yourself become really close friends with her. You text Kihyun; “hey! I moved in.” you type and add a smile emoticon to make it seem less dry than looked. You notice the bubble with the three dots appear – he was typing- and you sat on your bed waiting for his reply. “that’s cool! How is it?” he replied. He wanted to know what conditions you were living in hoping it was too bad. “it’s okay, there were a few problems but it’s okay, it’s all sorted out… kinda.”

You spoke to Kihyun for a few minutes before he had to go offline since he was busy. You first university day starts in a couple weeks so you had time to get used to your environment and make some friends while you were at it but it wasn’t easy since everyone was in their rooms most the time. Only Gowon was out on walks or getting some coffee or going for a small food shop. You thought it’d be a good opportunity to hang out with her for a while to get comfortable and become closer friends.

[a couple weeks later]

Your alarm buzzed at 6am. You haven’t heard that for a while and it was infuriating to hear the annoying sound at your ears when it was still dark outside. You grab your phone and sit up in your bed, tossing aside your phone which decided it would like it better on the floor. You groaned tiredly and slip on you slippers and grab a hoodie to make your way to the bathroom to freshen up. You look around for the toothbrush and toothpaste wondering where they were. Of course, you didn’t turn the light on, so your pushed the light switch to find them on your sink. Your tiredness was getting the best of you. You got dressed and decided today wasn’t the day for breakfast, grabbed your bad, phone, purse and key card to make your way to campus. It was cold but it was refreshing to walk in. Usually you’d walk with Kihyun but of course, he wasn’t here to walk with you every morning.

Gowon runs up behind you; “bOO!” she yells which startles you. “oh my-” you raise your voice only to realise it was Gowon. “did I scare you?” he nudged. Your connection to her felt familiar, like you knew her for a long time and it was comforting. You see behind her there was another person; His hair was blond and wavey, stopping just under is brows, lips tinted a light pink and his smooth, glass like skin illuminated by the winter sun. “This is Minhyuk, he helped me out when we both moved on the same day!” Gowon introduces and Minhyuk waves at you, smiling at you charmingly. You raise your hand and introduce yourself before you all go to campus. Who knew how easy it was to make new friends? Two already? 

You think how Kihyun was doing but to your little knowledge, he was already in his first class getting to know everyone. He looked at his phone, swiping up to unlock it then pressing the green speech bubble to message you. “Hey, you in uni yet?” he asks you. “hey Kihyun, I am. Why are you messaging me?” you sounded a little passive aggressive you you send the ‘x’ kiss. “you do know I got to the same university as you but someonewas too excited to even ask me :/” you gasped and held the screen closer to your face. “have you seen a ghost?” Gowon asks “or did someone send you an early morning naughty photo” Minhyuk snickers behind her looking over her should just to see a series of texts. “boyfriend?” he asks. You shake your head; “no no, it’s just my best friend apparently he goes here too but-” you were interrupted by Gowon’s gas, “you didn’t ask him! Girl, were you dating someone and forgot about him?” you stood there silently biting your lip. “I take that as a yes, tell us about him, what does he do, where does he go, introduce us to him plea-” Gowon paused after seeing how dismal it made you feel talking about him. “he left to the states and I guess I have to move on,” you force a smile, “lets go shall we?”

Why did Kihyun make it hard for you. Now they think you’re in a love triangle, you hope they didn’t at least. Your introductory day went well and you met a lot of people who are doing the same degree as you. “Hey,” Kihyun waves with a smile whislt walking over to you. “Wow how have you not fallen for him?” Gowon asks you and you don’t respond. “what’s up man, your bestie here has said a lot about you!” Lies. Absolute lies. I don’t hate him but you don’t want people to get the wrong idea. “oh really? I must be the centre of your conversations then.” He looks down at you and ruffles your hair and you smile back. “well me and Kihyun have know each other since we were born pretty much,” you giggle before someone interrupted yet again, “hey, you four coming to the freshers party?” he asks. You all look at each other. “oh um, sure why not!” Minhyuk smiles from ear to ear. Freshers parties are for the new students to interact and get to know each other often organised by the senior students. “when is it?” Kihyun and Gowon ask simultaneously. “it’s actually going to be next month since the uni team are free then, it’ll be at a share house just a few minutes away from the campus, but I hope you guys can come!” the guy smiles and waves. “OI wait, what time?” Minhyuk hollers. “Probably 7pm and you can leave by the early hours of the morning, see ya!”

“damn so much freedom and responsibility, how does it feel to be so free?” Gowon asks. “My parents allowed me to do things reasonably, but this is a lot of responsibility,” you twiddled your thumbs, “she never got drunk, a good little bunny she is.” Kihyun smiles and chuckles teasing you. “you guys seem like a couple” Gowon giggles, “what a shame girly, I quite liked the look of your best friend Kihyun.” Gowon pouted. You felt a bit sick; “ew, this guy? Did you know he-” Kihyun’s hand covers your mouth, “now now, I am a man of many mysteries,” he raises a brow. You scoff.

Later that evening you hung out with the three friends you have, and you were invited to Minhyuk’s dorm. “Damn you have everything sorted here, your lights are cool!” Kihyun points out, “and a games console, alright turn it on let’s play!”

You and Gowon sit on Minhyuk’s bed and talk to each other. You glance at the boys and your heart does flips. No stop it don’t do that. You tell yourself, Gowon’s voice muffling until you were shaken out of it – quite literally. You try to divert the attention and soon after you decide to go back to your dorm. The trio seemed disheartened that you had to leave first but you just had to go.

You lay in your bed staring at the leak stain on your ceiling before turning away to the side, watching the screen of your phone glow blue. You gasped; “Hey, how are you?” it was Changkyun and he finally messaged you since he left. “I’m okay-” you think to type ‘I miss you’ but you didn’t want to sound .. well you know. “I’m okay, I made a couple friends!”

You and Changkyun spoke for a little bit until he stopped replying. It seems like he fell asleep; you knew he was enjoying his time there, Changkyun never turns down a party. You sigh loudly in your room before the heating stops and your room temperature drops rapidly. “no no no-“ you go to your heating dial trying to fix it. There was no hope; why is it your dorm room with all these problems? You let it be and tried to go to sleep with layers of blankets to keep you warm.

-

“Hey, are you excited for the party?” Gowon asks. “so excited,” you smile and look at Minhyuk and Kihyun talking about something, “how about you guys?” You ask. “awh yeah, I think it’d be so cool!” Minhyuk smiled; his soft puppy like features not matching up with his ‘rebellious bad boy’ vibes was something that entranced you, just how? “Yeah, It’s a new experience so that’s cool,” Kihyun added.

Throughout the day you and Gowon and Minhyuk became closer as did Kihyun. “yo, so where does your girlfriend go?” Minhyuk asks assuming Kihyun had one. Kihyub smiles and sighs, “I never dated anyone..” Gowon gasped at his remark. “I mean I tried to set him up with my friend Irene but he just refused,” you shrug “what a shame, she was a nice girl.” You say as you stand beside him. “she actually refused me, did she tell you otherwise?” he asks you, his voice low. What’s gotten in to him? “I mean, no I just assumed that-“ you were interrupted by him, “heres a life lesson, assuming things isn’t very safe it can lead to many problems,” He patted your head and smiled “she refused me politely so now you know.”

Gowon stared at him in disbelief. “have you ever had feeling for anyone?” she was interested to know. He shook his head; it was a blatant lie. “Woow…” she looked away in disbelief. Kihyun laughed already predicting their reactions but he brushed it off it was no big deal, sometimes it was best to move on, right? [later that evening] The room was cramped with students new and old dancing and drinking with their friends in the kitchen, standing in the hallways and sitting on stairs. The music was blaring out so loud that you could barely even hear your thoughts which was a good thing. You approached a small group of people who seemed to be a year older; “hey! You’re a new student here right, first year?” one of the guys spoke out to you from the other end of the room and he seemed to be approaching you at a quick pace with a drink in his hand. “want some help getting to know some people?” he seemed super friendly and draped an arm around you and escorted you around the place. You already lost the others, usually Kihyun would be beside you regardless but he left with Minhyuk somewhere. You took a sip of the liquid which gave your tongue a burning sensation; “new to drinking I see, you’ll get used to it,” he smiles at you his arm tightening around your shoulder. “so out here are all the kids who were a part of some drama and they’re quite daring too, I must say I am a part of that group,” he chuckles “no worries though because in the kitchen are the 2nd year business and management lot.. they’re a bit boring but there’s that,” he tuts and passes them as your heart sank since you saw Minhyuk and Kihyun together with Gowon and someone else they befriended whilst you were being taken around by some random student. You felt a little dizzy as he was showing you around until you asked to sit down to which you were sat down on a couch with that guy. Voices began to muffle slowly, your world a haze; what was that drink? Or what was IN that drink?

You open your eyes, gasping for air finding yourself still on the couch although your head was in someone’s lap. You look up to see it was Kihyun and you gulped, nervous to even ask what happened. He looked rather angry and out of character, Minhyuk sitting with his hands in his hands and Gowon sitting on the arm of the seat. “she’s up guys there really was no reason to act up like that was it?” She looked at the boys. What even happened?

–      Minhyuk and Kihyun both saw you passed out on the couch with the older boys surrounding you with cameras out facing the ‘nice guy’ trying to do something that wasn’t right. They were both furious but they were confused as to why each other reacted the way they did. Charging in absolute anger, Minhyuk threw the guy off you and Kihyun lifted your head up to check up on you. “Leave her alone!” Minhyuk grunted as the guy held him by the collar throwing a punch and leaving him on the floor. Kihyun checked if you were hurt and luckily you weren’t but he thought why Minhyuk go so angry so quick. It reminded him of how protective Changkyun was of you and it made his stomach churn. –

“let’s take you home..” Kihyun sighs “ I don’t think right now is the best time to come to parties..” he knew something would happen if he left you alone. “taking advantage of people is so shit,” Minhyuk scoffs as Gowon pats his back. “Let’s all just go and make sure she’s okay,” Gowon picks up your stuff. Only 3 hours in and this is what happens, what a vibe killer.

Your dorm has a leaking ceiling so when you opened your door your bed was wet. “you must be joking..” you whisper. “are you okay?” Kihyun asks. “yeah I’m fine thanks, you can go now, sorry for the trouble,” you look down in disappointment. “no problem, I’m here for you whenever you need me okay, my apartment is a few minutes away from your dorm,” he writes down his address on a text message and sends it to you. You nod and thank him before shutting the door and looking at the leak and open your door heading out again. “oh hey, you alright?” Minhyuk comes back with a plastic bag of things he bought from the convenience store; “why are you outside?” he asks “leak in my ceiling again…” you respond. “ahh, wanna hang at mine before you decide what to do?” you think for a moment. Maybe going to Kihyun’s was a good idea. “I think I might visit Kihyun now,” you nod.

You felt awful. You created such a scene yet Kihyun was still there for you. You get to his apartment and knock at the door and he opens knowing it was you. “welcome, good thing I’m making food” he smiles grabbing your hand to pull your inside “come here it’s cold out there”

“I’m sorry for what I did today,” you gulp and avoid eye contact. “sorry for what? Being an idiot and taking a drink from someone else? Yeah don’t worry you didn’t know but next time don’t get lost you have a phone for a reason,” he says laying a bowl of ramen in front of you, “anyway eat up,” he says going for it as soon as he sat down. “why are you here?” he asks. You stare at him, there was genuine concern in his eyes. “I have a leak in my dorm and my bed is wet,” Kihyun laughs, “what a lame excuse to hang out with me AND stay with me,” he jokes “I’m joking of course.” He hands you one of his hoodies since you seemed cold. “well you can stay here until someone fixes that leak in your dorm,” he smiles softly. I want to tell her right here right now… he opens his mouth then stops. “what were you going to say?”

“it doesn’t matter don’t worry…” he held back, no matter how hard it was. He tucked a bit of hair that dangled down the side of your face back. “don’t eat your hair too?” he jokes and laughs. “since when were you so cocky Kihyun?” you asked him since you noticed a shift in behaviour. I have no competition… “Oh I guess new school new me?” he shrugs. “right,” you nod.

You and Kihyun sit on his bed watching something on youtube, laughing at a show you both like until he drifted off leaning back on his headboard. You thought it was an uncomfortable position, so you moved his head to your shoulder and threw a blanket over him. This felt like the good old days. Your eyes also began to get heavy, so you thought to close your eyes for only a few seconds. Although, seconds turned to minutes and minutes to hours, by the time you knew it you were both asleep. Fast asleep.

𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝟮 →

Eventually, you had to depart from Kihyun which broke your heart since you felt rejoice whenever you hung out with him. It reminded you of summer when you, Kihyun and Changkyun used to spend your warm evenings on rooftops and empty fields near lakes, your head on Kihyun’s lap and Changkyun whining to lay on his lap instead. The playful fights between you and Changkyun when you argued who’d be the first to hug Kihyun after your lively evening together. It was nostalgic to think about whilst you waved Kihyun goodbye, his skin gleaming as the sun inched closer to the horizon. His hand intensely gripped at the handle, his unoccupied hand waving you goodbye as the bus jolted again driving to the next stops. Kihyun sighed and looked out of the window again hoping you’d run after the bus waving at him but something did change and you stopped doing it. There was a shift. He shook his head in disbelief and chose to ignore whatever he heard, he just wanted to go home. The vehicle remained stationary and Kihyun looked at the stop he was at and luckily he arrived to the right one so he released his grip from the handle and gripped his bag strap instead and vacated the bus swiftly and stood under the shelter whilst observing the grey, dismal sky. “you must be joking,” he sighs just as the grey clouds become darker and seem to be saturated by rain. He looks in his bag for anything to shelter himself with although there was nothing so he had no other choice but to run to his home which was an additional 3 minute walk. He bolts down the streets as the rain begins to plummet down to the cool concrete. Kihyun looks around and sees a couple under a jacket running under the shelter on the other of the road. He ignores them, he doesn’t have time to think about that right now. Finally, he arrives at the metal gates guarding his front door which he pushes open and runs towards his front door.

He frantically takes off his shoes, tripping over his family’s footwear, staggering into his living room. “Kihyun, you’re soaking! Come here!” his concerned grabs a clean towel and ruffles Kihyun’s hair dry; “you must be so cold! Luckily I made some soup today.” She pats his back.  Kihyun couldn’t help but smile at his mother being so compassionate. He smiles and thanks her before going into his bedroom, unbuttoning his wet shirt and leaving them on the floor. He stared at his ceiling; he felt so.. empty? Maybe because he was hungry again but regardless, he grabbed his phone and the blue light beamed onto his face. There were a few messages from you and some messages on the group chat between you and Changkyun.

You: hey! Are you home yet? If you are, do you wanna play later? :]

You: Also isn’t it your friend Hyungwon’s birthday soon?

You: Kihyunnn

Kihyun replies to your messages;

Kihyun: yeah I just got home and it was pouring out there and yeah it is very soon how did you even remember that?

Kihyun: Uhh also for being online, [he thinks for a moment] maybe, my mother wants a family dinner.

You: plssss :< I miss playing with you <3

Kihyun sighs as the pair of you exchange some text messages before Kihyun had to go and have dinner with his family. You sit back in your chair a chamomile and ginger candle lit at your desk next to the bunny plushie Kihyun gave you, the flame dancing the music softly playing through the speakers. You had to study since you have been throwing it off for a while, so your pens and highlighters were scattered across your desk. Your puppy sits near your desk; “did you miss me today?” you pet Lucas before going back to your textbook. You realised prom was also a couple months away and you were thinking to ask Changkyun to be your date to prom, maybe you should ask Kihyun what you should do or maybe even Irene. Sudden fluttering intruded your stomach and you looked at yourself in the mirror diagonal to you and catch yourself smiling. You couldn’t help it. You check to see if anyone is online and of course, none other than Changkyun is in the waiting lobby for a game. Impulsively, you grab your headphones and join the game;

“well well well, look who it is again,” Changkyun’s voice sounded cheerful even through a pair of headphones, “Are you stalking me Dumpling.” He laughs since he knew you hated that nickname but he liked to hear your reaction. “Stop calling me that!” you pleaded. “are you pleading? Are you acting like your little puppy now hmm?” he mocks you. “Oh my god Kyun, shut up and start the game.” You sigh; you felt your heart palpitate slightly, the nervous butterflies swarming your stomach. A few minutes pass by, round after round, the pair of you sharing wins. “ where’s Kihyun?” Changkyun asks. “oh, well he said he was having dinner with his family, did not not message back?” You look at your phone the time stamp reading  READ 6:45pm. “He read the message, maybe he’s studying?” Changkyun suggests “maybe I should do that too,” you lean into your chair again, groaning at the workload for school since it was inching closer to your final exams, “maybe we should have a study group!” your exclamation startling Changkyun on the other end. “Hey, we did have one but someone decided they didn’t wanna come,” Changkyun sighs; “yeah that was you, Kyun…” you remind him making him chuckle. “ah yes, of course it was but maybe we should prioritise it now…”

Kihyun was sat with his mother in the living room, his head on his mother’s lap as she gently caressed his hair. Kihyun felt calm. He looked at his phone.

You: what do you think of study group again at Lucky’s Coffee? Like the old days!

You: it’d be good to share ideas and stuff like we did during study period at school!

Kihyun: yeah, that sounds cool :)

That emoticon felt strange

Kihyun went online for a little while to notice the ‘active 45 minutes ago’; a pit fell in his stomach, but it was fine, he wanted to play to relieve some stress. He gripped his controller and leaned back into his leather seat spending the rest of his night alone, playing something. His phone was flashing blue, notifications flooding his screen, which he didn’t see until it finally stopped. After a long session of gaming, Kihyun got bored and sat against his headboard and unlocked his phone and it was none other than you. You were asking to go to karaoke on the weekend with Changkyun and Irene, asking questions about the study group and also a question that stood out the most to him; how do I tell Changkyun how I feel? Kihyun didn’t even know himself so it was hard to give that advice and it was even harder when he had feelings for you, his best friend. He replied to all the messages before laying his head down and facing the wall, the sudden warmth of his sheets embracing him, his body sinking into his mattress as he drifted off very quickly.

The following morning was dismal and rainy. The 6 am clouds loomed over the city, hitting against the window to your room. You woke up to your dog at your feet and your lamp still lit from the night before however not only that, so was your computer on the loading screen. You were waiting for Kihyun but you feel asleep as your body hit the mattress. You read the replies from Kihyun as you roll out of bed and slip your feet into your slippers and stumble tiresomely through the door to the bathroom although your brother was taking his time for the last 20 minutes. “Hurry up,” you groan as you crouch outside the door, your phone sitting at the crease of your hand. You text Kihyun; “Good Morning, wanna grab some breakfast with me today?” you send with a smiley emoji. As Kihyun is drying his hair with a black towel, he grabs his phone off the desk and reads your message, pressing your name and opening the chat log.

“Yeah sure. Where do you wanna go or what do you want to eat?” he replies back. Kihyun puts the phone back onto the desk and finishes getting ready. He decided to wear his white shirt and cream coloured v neck vest that had blue and red strips at neck. He buttoned his cuffs and slipped on his maroon blazer, grabs his bag and heads for the door. It was ten minutes to 8 and Kihyun was on his way to get the bus to get to your house. “No breakfast today?” His mother asks as she sets breakfast for the rest of the family out. “oh um- I promised a friend I would get breakfast with them” he smiles nervously before shoving his feet into his shoes and dashing through the door catching the bus on time. He unlocks his phone and replies to you; “yeah, any café sounds go, I’ll be there soon.” He locks his phone and puts it into his pocket. Luckily today he came prepared and took an umbrella just in case.

You tap some lip tint on your lips, smearing it around with your finger, putting it back into your pouch and back into your bag. You spritz here and there your new fragrance and smile to yourself contently. You see Kihyun outside and you run to meet him outside; “the bus came quick today!” you sounded extremely cheerful today. “yeah, less traffic I guess, I don’t really know,” Kihyun nervously laughs. You and Kihyun walk to the nearest café around the corner and sit at the bar stool seats the look outside; Kihyun gets 2 steaming cups of coffee and two chocolate croissants. “wow, we haven’t met up before school in so long,” you sigh as you sip your piping hot coffee although you hiss at the hot liquid burning your tongue. Kihyun’s jumps and asks if you’re okay and passes you his water bottle to cool the tongue down. “no no, I’m fine thank you,” you take a napkin and pat your bottom lip. “is that a new lip tint you’re wearing?” he asks noticing a new shade. “yeah! I didn’t expect you to notice.” Of course, you wouldn’t, why would I be looking at your lips in the first place?

“look who it is,” Changkyun smiles and drapes his arm around Kihyun “bro, is your phone alright?” he takes it out of Kihyun’s blazer pocket. “nope seems fine to me, why haven’t you been replying to us?” He looks at Kihyun concerned as they walk to class together. “I’ve just been busy with my family, nothing much really plus I felt a bit ill yesterday because of the rain.” He nodded to himself. “ohh fair enough, don’t die on us like that bro,” he squeezes his arm. “how did little puppy get so good at video games?” Changkyun pulls you close to him. Your heart skips a beat and your cheeks flush a pinkish hue. Kihyun notices and his hands bury in his pockets and he clears his throat; “doesn’t her lip tint look nice on her?” he asks Changkyun, Changkyun turning his head with a smile to inspect your new lip tint. “wow, it does look nice on her, can I have some too?” he smirks knowing that it has an affect on you. You nervously laugh, “um no, it was expensive okay?” you scoff jokily. “how about the tint on your lips hm?” he squeezes you from your side. He did not just say that – Kihyun thought. “We can hang out after school if you want?” Kihyun suggests to you, and only you. “Not inviting me are we? I need to get a new moisturiser; can you help me?” He looks at you starry eyed. You nod at him, your cheeks aching from smiling so much; “Well, coffee is on me then I guess?” he pulls you and Kihyun in.

Period 1 – Business studies. It was a class that dragged on for hours yet you somehow loved to learn about different strategies and using statistics. You flip you pen between your fingers, your knee bobbing under the table as you tracked the time on the clock above the teachers desk. 25 minutes to go. You glance out side the glass window of the door and you see Changkyun waving at you, pointing towards the cafeteria – that was his way of saying there all in there today- you tilt your head and he makes his way. “um, ma’am what seems to be so interesting outside that you cant focus on your statistics?” your teacher taps her fingers on her desk. She was intimidating. “oh um no Miss, I just got distracted” you clear your throat. “hm okay,” she looks back at her computer. The bell finally rings and you were dismissed to break; you see your friends and Irene at the table today. “hey! Changkyun and Kihyun got you a drink and a snack, someone seems to be popular,” Irene nudges and whispers into your ear; “so which one will you pick,” she smiles smugly “ what do you mean, they’re my best friends?” you whisper back to her. She sighs and shakes her head, “text me later alright?” you nod in affirmation and look down at the table to see a strawberry smoothie drink and a gimbap triangle on the table. “thanks guys,” you smile at them. Kihyun leans back in his chair next to you and scrolls down his Instagram feed. “you’re awfully quiet today?” you prod his arm. “Yeah, just a bit tired today,” he croaks, “nothing much to be honest.” Jooheon was in your study period today accompanying you since the other three were in their classes. He was working on his music and was working hard to getting the highest grades to get a scholarship to go abroad for his degree course. “psst, hey,” he leans over the table to get your attention. “hm?” your response was instant since he never usually spoke in study periods, “have you noticed Kihyun acting strange lately?” he pouts thinking, “He said he’s been studying a lot so that’s what I assumed, why?” you stop writing and question him. “oh… nothing he just seemed abnormal but if that’s it then I guess now I know,” he smiles “how is university applications going?” Jooheon seemed intrigued. “Well, I got my place into Seoul University and all my other ones too but I’m definitely picking Seoul!” You respond to him certain you’ll go to Seoul. “cool, cool, I’m planning to go abroad to be honest, have you told the others about your acceptances?” he asks and you shake your head. “We promised to keep it until prom.” You nod. “Ruthless, how could you keep it for that long, I’d be so happy to spread the news!” Jooheon’s jaw drops at how good your secrecy skills were, “well, we wanna surprise each other you know?” Jooheon nods, understanding your point.

The basketball court was empty but that’s where you waited for the boys. You take your mirror and your lip tint, dabbing it onto your lips and smearing it with your finger; you reach into your bag for a tissue. “Hey there Dumpling, tissue?” he hands one from his packet. “What the fuck? Where you just watching me?” you elbow him. “watching you put that lip tint on that you said I can’t try? Yeah, I’m jealous you can be just as pretty as me!” His laughter immerses your heart in admiration. “wow, you’re so cocky!” you punch him. Kihyun wonders over, his plaid jacket over his shoulder; he strides over and greets the pair of you. “Hello, Lovebirds,” he glances at Changkyun and then you, “waiting for me? Let’s go.” He walks ahead. “Lovebirds? That’s new, do you see me and Little Dumpling together?” Changkyun shoots a playful look at Kihyun and you. “why would you say that Kihyun?” you fiddle with your fingers, a nervous pit falls in your stomach. Kihyun grabs your hand, “well maybe we should be lovebirds then?” he tried to let his playful side arise. “WOW! Kihyun, do you like her?” his eyes scan his expressions but all Kihyun gave was a side smile, “that was a quick assumption Kyun, jealous because I’m holding her hand?” The atmosphere was tense and almost too tense for you so you changed the subject. “there’s a corndog stall just before the mall we could have some of that or just go to a cheap little restaurant, I really want jjajangmyeon!”

At the shopping complex the three of you went to, you were looking at new jewellery and makeup for prom – especially the more pinky red tones. “This one would look good on you,” Kihyun picked a scarlet red lip tint and handing it to you to try. You already had some on so you turn to Changkyun, who was asking earlier to apply some for some reason, and beckon him over. “lemme try this on you, I already have some on,” you unscrew the lid and move closer to Changkyun. You could feel your heart beat out of your chest and your throat go dry. You elevate yourself, standing on the tip of your toes to apply the tint to his already pink lips although he lowers himself down for you, his eyes that captured the starry night, gazing back at you like you were the stars. “Do my lips look kissable yet?” his husky voice was low, it made you melt on the spot. It was to no surprise he’d say something along those lines – although lately he has been making remarks like this more frequently- but it caught you off guard. “h-huh, what?” you gulp. “Lips, kiss kiss” he moves closer and Kihyun returns to see what was happening and he clears his throat. “Just kidding, do you like the colour though,” Changkyun stands back straight and looks at Kihyun and back at you. “come on then let’s get this, you both must be hungry yall acting weird as hell.” He grabs a box of the shade you tried on him and heads to the tills.

“was he going to kiss you? Did I interrupt or something?” Kihyun asks, his heart aching ever so slightly. “n-no, that wasn’t my intention I didn’t know he’d do that!” you defend yourself. “did he make you feel uncomfortable, I’ll tell him to not make your uncomfortable just let me know and I’ll-” Kihyun was cut off by you; “no, he didn’t don’t worry. He’s not a creep for sure it’s just my feelings making me nervous but thanks for watching out for me.”

The evening went by quickly. The three of you enjoying your time together as much as you couldn’t until the evening came to an end and the departure began. You took the bus home with Kihyun again, his forehead pressed against the cool window pane and his bag between his arms. “are you asking Irene to prom?” you ask Kihyun, his head whipping to you like a deer seeing head lights for the first time. “why? Why do you ask, are we not going together?” his voice sounded upset, almost similar to sounding heartbroken. “oh no, I just thought you guys should because I wanted to ask Kyun to be my date, is that okay?” you sound like you were asking for permission but you didn’t want to sound condescending or rude by just stating it as a fact ‘I’m going to prom with Kyun, you go with Irene’ that’s wrong. “oh um I’ll just go with the boys and Irene then,” he nods and looks away to the busy evening streets. “oh my, really!” the excitement and relief floods your system, “you’re the best Kihyun, I love you so much!”

You love me the wrong way…

School was different now. You and Changkyun have very frequent flirtatious encounters and conversations and everyone began to catch on. Yet, Changkyun didn’t make a move yet. After school, specifically your evening classes you asked Changkyun to wait for you so you could walk home together or grab a coffee, to which he didn’t deny to. After making one last trip to your locker the locker is slammed in front of you making you jump. “KYUN! You scared me fuck sake,” you open it again to get your phone out. You both walk out, talking about whatever you usually talk about until you stop. “Changkyun…” you voice softens and you reach for his arm but he takes your hands into his and just holds it. You gulp before proceeding what you were going to tell him; “Firstly um.. I wanted to say that I-”

“I have feelings for you…”

“…I have feelings for you.”

You stop and nervously gulp and trying to not lose composure, your hands gripping his harder. You couldn’t believe your eyes or ears, did he really say it back? “Hey, don’t freak out but I thought it was obvious enough that I liked you?” he chuckles “who would’ve thought you’d return the feelings.” His hand rests on the back of your neck and you felt your cheeks burn like they were set alight. Your lips quiver nervously; his lips softly left a dainty kiss on your cheek and nothing more. “I wanted to ask if you’d be my date to prom? Is that what you wanted to ask me?” He smiles ever so purely. You nod. “well, today is your lucky day then!” He pulls you in for a hug. What the fuck just happened? He kindly walks you home and your mother sees him; “Changkyun, long time no see, come in!” she invites him in. “Oh thank you but I have to get home to help my little brother but maybe another time.” Your mother frowned. She saw Kihyun as a son but she had a strong liking towards Changkyun since you started high school.

School was different since the day Changkyun confessed to you. You weren’t expecting it at all but there you were, in an empty corner of the study room, with Changkyun next to you and Kihyun sitting opposite you. Whilst you were guiding your eyes across your page with your pen until Changkyun’s hand rested on yours on the table. Your instinctively moved your hand but you looked up at the distraught face as if he made you uncomfortable on accident. He mouthed, “I’m sorry” before turning back to his textbook, one hand resting in his lap; your hand glides over to his under the table and the hairs on Kihyun’s neck rose. He looked up to see you stare lovingly at Changkyun. It shouldn’t have bothered him so much, but it did. You gently pulled his hand closer to you and intertwined your fingers with his. He smiled at you, his hand burying in his free hand although when a teacher walked towards the table, you let go. She was searching for Jooheon; “is he not in today?” Kihyun asks. “no, this isn’t like Jooheon, I’ll ask for someone to phone home,” she stared you and Changkyun down. “work hard Changkyun.” Her voice was stern. Jooheon was actually performing today and no one but Kihyun knew. “He’s performing? Where?” you ask Kihyun. He answers your question before quietly going back to studying and checking his wristwatch.

Changkyun’s name flashes up on your phone and a smile is drawn across your face. You grab your phone and sit on your bed and tap at the screen to reply at the message. He asked when he could you and that Kihyun told him that he’d meet you both there. You sighed, you felt bad for leaving Kihyun out like that although you did try to get him a date – Irene – but it didn’t work out sadly.

A few weeks later…

Prom was surreal. The aura felt surreal. You sat at your dressing table and you twist the lid of the lip tint you bought with Kihyun and Changkyun and tapped it onto your lips and your apply some glitter to your eyes. You add a few more curls to your hair with your flat iron and spirts your perfume and turn around to look at yourself in the full length mirror. As you admire yourself, you hear someone at your door and a knock following it. “Hey Dumpling, it’s 7pm and I’m here to take you away,” he smiles looking down, standing up straight before walking closer to you. “I got this for you,” he pulls out a pink rose from behind him and hands it to you, his hands locking fingers with you. “first of all, that sounded so scary,” you laugh as you push him, palm on his chest but he hold your hand there. “wouldn’t our first dance be like this?” his arm wraps around your waist before your mother walked in and ruined the moment. “you should catch a taxi now by the way,” he points to the door “oh and don’t forget an umbrella!”

You didn’t think an umbrella was necessary so you didn’t take one but you and Changkyun sat at the back on the taxi. You were texting Kihyun;

You: hey! We’re on our way now. Are you there yet?

Kihyun: not yet, I’m waiting for Jooheon but he’s fixing his tie and we’ll leave. See you there

Kihyun hadn’t seen you yet and he knew for a fact it’d be like seeing something so heavenly for the first time. Not long after, everyone was together. The music, the lights, the crowds of people celebrating their final time together all in one room. You saw Kihyun holding a small bouquet of flowers until her saw you walk in hand in hand with Changkyun. Everything went grey and cold and his finger tips numb. He didn’t know what to do with the flowers, so he disappeared into the sea of people and returned, empty handed. You wave at Kihyun and the others and coverse with them until Changkyun and Kihyun went to get; Kihyun started a conversation with Changkyun.

“do you you really like her or is it a one time thing?” Kihyun asked, his tone bitter and dry.

“yea, I would believe so… I do like her?” Changkyun replies back “why do you sound… upset? Were you both a thing?” he questions as he stops what he was doing and turns around, “Is that what this is all about Kihyun?” Changkyun catches on quick.

“did you tell her you’re moving to the states or are you gonna hurt her by telling her last minute?” Kihyun bit down on his teeth hard, inhaling sharply.

“I- I haven’t but I’m sure she’ll understand right, she isn’t one to throw a fit Kihyun,” he puts a hand on his shoulder “It’ll be fine..” Changkyun smiles.

No, that wasn’t the point! Why can’t you get the message!

“I like her Changkyun and you knew I did but you go and confess you like her too?” Kihyun bites his lip drawing a little blood. “but she expressed her deep admiration for me, what else could I do? Break her poor heart?” There was an immediate silence. “Alright, this is in your hands…” Kihyun’s voice was harsh. Changkyun had never seen Kihyun so upset and hurt about something before after their years of friendship… hopefully this wouldn’t break the bond.

After a few hours, near the end of the night, the special event was taking place. King and Queen. “they do this in the states, I’ve seen it in movies-“ Jooheon jumps in excitement. “you’re too excited for this-“ you nudge him “let me be excited!” he smiles. Everyone goes quiet and mutters to each other who they think the winners would be. The girls who tried to get Kihyun’s attention waved at him from a far; “they definitely voted for you,” you scoff “why do you sound so disgusted, am I not worthy of prom king?” his gaze was strong, intimidating almost until he realised and smile to soften the mood. “Well Kihyun of course you are but those girls are trouble…” but during the conversation you were having with Kihyun you both missed the winners. You and Kihyun. As cliché as it sounds, you and Kihyun won. Everyone’s eyes were on you and Kihyun and you could see Changkyun at the back clapping for you, his eyes full of love and a hint of pain. You both received your prizes and from then on everything began to spiral…

“Since we didn’t tell each other where we’re going, let’s say it now in 3… 2...” you count down but you were interrupted by Changkyun. “I’m moving to the states for the rest of my studies.” He blurts out and gulps nervously hoping you wouldn’t think much of it. “w-what-” the smile drops and your face pales. “I’m mo-” he repeats but you stop him. “don’t tell me again, I heard…” you stare at him, eyes pooling. Has your heard already been broken? “why did you confess to me then?” Your dainty voice cracks. “because I wanted to and I knew you were going to do the same but-”

Everything sounded like it was underwater. You heard a faint ‘I’m sorry’ from him. You couldn’t hate him for moving that far, you couldn’t take that distance. Kihyun’s arm wraps around you and you immediately bury your head into his chest. Of course your childhood friend would always be there. “hey, don’t cry it’ll ruin your makeup” Kihyun tries to comfort you. Jooheon and Irene exchange awkward looks; “umm hey Irene should we umm go home?” Jooheon suggests, Irene fake yawns, “Yeah I’m getting tired, see you guys exam week,” She pushes past Changkyun and Jooheon follows.

Changkyun regrets his decisions, he should’ve stayed quiet. You regret yours too. The relationship couldn’t go on but luckily there wasn’t a proper start either. “we can still talk and be friends and despite the fact I like you.. that wont change,” he begins and you look up, your lashes wet from tears, “but feelings change with distance Kyun… sure we can be friends but god..” you tried to console yourself and so did Kihyun. “I’m sorry, I-I don’t know what more I can do…” He gulps. “maybe we should just depart for tonight and let the energy calm down” Kihyun suggested, “I can take you home if you want? He asked you and you nodded. “You can join if you want,” he gave Changkyun the option but he shook his head and said he’ll go alone. Everything was messy and your feelings should’ve been concealed. At least Kihyun was there to comfort you.

And I always will be.

↩ Chapter 1 

[ 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏 ]

９ ｙｅａｒｓ ａｇｏ． ． ．

You remembered your mother’s fingers tap against her arm as she leaned upon the ivory door frame of your best friends’ bedroom. “can I please stay a little longer, Kihyun and I haven’t even finished building the house yet,” you pleaded to your mother who had a smile painted across her face despite being tired from her job and taking care of you. “We have to go now, who will feed Kiwi?” She pretends to be concerned knowing it’ll lure you back home. “no, no I will feed Kiwi,” you immediately stand up and leave the little lego pieces on the floor. “I have to go and feed my cat now,” you from at a tiny Kihyun who sat distraught at the fact you were leaving him. The sky darkened and the nocturnal animals were ought to come out around now. “wave goodbye,” your mother nudges you gently and so you do, with a wide smile and your eyes full of hope.  

You and Kihyun met in daycare and ever since you became best friends. You did everything together and it went on into your senior years of school.

Moving on to further education, you and Kihyun attended the same schools including high school. High school was full of surprises and also many arguments too; friendships aren’t all as smooth as it seems. Kihyun waited at your locker after every lesson you had so you could both sit together with your other friends. Kihyun’s  5’7 slender physique leaned against the cool steel of the locker, his phone sitting in the curve of his hand, scrolling through what seems to be his text messages. He texted you around 3 minutes ago and huffed impatiently – he wasn’t the most patient person in the world - wondering where you were since your class finished exactly 3 minutes ago. The hallways were congested to the point where pushing pass was necessary. The scattered ‘excuse me’s and ‘sorry can I get past please’ were ever so repetitive but it got you through your high school experience up until now. You see Kihyun at your locker, his head resting against the steel.

“what took you so long?” his voice was fruity and oddly comforting to listen to. “my teacher wouldn’t shut up about our late assignments and was setting us more, I had no control over that,” you respond instantaneously as his arm draped around your shoulders. “right, I’ll give that to you,” he tuts and rolls his eyes playfully.

The pair of you ambled through the hallways towards the cafeteria and set your belongings down onto the round table and onto the chairs beside you to reserve them for your other friends since they were coming from the other side of the school. “Jooheon and Changkyun take so long to get here, I’m going to get food, do you want anything?” he asks you waiting to respond. “oh umm- yeah maybe like a sandwich or something?” you suggest. “That’s not enough, I’m buying you a meal,” he informed politely. – of course he’ll buy you a meal –

Jooheon and Changkyun finally make their way to the table where you sat, keeping it occupied so no one else sat there. “Yo where did Kihyun go?” Jooheon asks as he gets out a Kimbap roll from his bag and rips open the packet. You point at the queue where Kihyun was and notice a girl being pushed closer to him by her friends. “There they go again,” Changkyun sighs, “Let me go and help him.” Changkyun always knew these girls will throw themselves at whatever guy they would want to get their attention from and Kihyun hated it.

“o-oh sorry, I’ll keep moving forward,” He apologises to the girls knowing what they were doing. “It’s okay Kihyunnie,” the girl purred; Kihyun could swear he just threw up in his mouth. He ignored her until Changkyun came to save the day. “Kihyun how you doing?” his American accent ringing through the cafeteria. “Ah yes, the English card,” Jooheon nods whilst munching his roll. “Oh is this for me? Thanks, I’ll pay,” Changkyun says as he swipes his card and takes both trays with him and places it on the table. The girls look shaken behind them but in return Changkyun flashes a smug smile before seating himself next to you. “I hate them, they think they can do anything to get what they want,” Changkyun sighs, “you bought bought her lunch again but not for me, how sad,” He tuts, “ you need to pay me back since I paid for it actually so next ones on you alright?” he jokes with Kihyun before sliding the tray in front of you. “Thank you but you didn’t have to,” you pick up the cutlery that was on the tray. The girls walk past, their face painted with disgust whispering something to one another. Was it about you? The 4 of you sat together and talked about your lessons and gossiped about your teachers and also talked about that group of girls who have become an infection to your school. Luckily it was very soon until the end of the entire high school experience since prom was in a few months.

After you lunch break you didn’t have any classes left so you were contemplating whether to go home or stay to study. “Hey Kihyun, are you going to go home or stay to study?” you ask him, your honeyed tone captivating his attention. “Probably, I have a test to study for, do you want to go to the library or to some café?” he asks you. You think for a moment. It’d be more logical to stay at school and study in the library; “the library, I don’t think I can focus at a café,” You grab your books and notes from you locker and make your way to the library and find a table to sit at with Kihyun. The library was slightly fuller than usual, the tables had spaces for 4-6 people but it was only you and Kihyun sitting behind a shelf of books. You set your books and notebooks out for your Business class and open your text book which has an assortment of coloured sticky notes which were highlighted and extremely condensed down. “how?” Kihyun stares in awe at your study notes. “what? My notes?” you point at them “they’re really helpful, that extra effort its worth it” you smile softly at him. “yeah I know but how do you do it, I don’t even know where to start from.” Kihyun sighs. You delve into your bag again and grasp a hold of your transparent stationary holder which was filled with sticky notes, pens and bookmark sticky tabs. You pull your seat closer to Kihyun’s and move your hair behind your ear to help him and teach him how to take notes. You open his law textbook  and ask him what he needs to learn or understand so you knew where to start. “easy right?” you smile as you pass him some notes and memo sheets and he nodded his head, making himself believe that he new what he was doing. You turned back around to look at you textbooks, your eyes scanning the text book although Kihyun’s eyes often glanced away from the paper and pen and was captured by how focused you were, how you would unconsciously tuck your hair behind your ear, how your eyes scan the text you were reading and then articulate it into something concise yet informative. He needed a quick break to grab some water but you didn’t notice that he left since you were focused on studying. He placed a plastic cup on your desk and tapped your shoulder. “make sure you drink? Water is good for your brain” Kihyun smiles at you before sitting back down. “o-oh thank you!” you take the cup and drink the water, “I was going to have a short break anyway to get some water, how’s your notes going?” you ask him looking over to see a few notes here and there but he tried to cover it. “u-uh it’s, going okay.” You stand up to see the other side of him, he was doing quite well and learning how to take notes like you. “see you are doing good, isn’t it so much easier?” you ask him. He nods and hums his response. “don’t worry you’ll get the hang of it,” you nudge him softly.

An hour and a half passes and it was time to go home. You gather all your belongings organising them and putting them back into your bag, reaching for your jacket to which you find isn’t there to your surprise. “o-oh,” you sounded confused “ did I bring my jacket with me?” you ask Kihyun who had already shoved his textbook into his bag. “Oh um, You didn’t bring it with you from the cafeteria you might’ve left it there,” he shrugs “ we can go and look for it now?” He suggests and you agree with him, opening the doors to the library to leave. The school was oddly quiet. Probably because everyone leaves incredibly quickly but you and Kihyun make your way to the cafeteria and nothing was there. “ugh,” you grunt sounding annoyed “ whatever, I’ll look tomorrow and lost and found,” you drag yourself out of the cafeteria and head towards the exit.

“hey dumpling,” Changkyun calls out to get your attention. “stop calling me dumpling, It’s not cute or endearing,” you sigh “why are you still here?” you ask. “seems like someone lost their jacket,” he holds it in his hand, “ you have to get it though,” his smug smile appears gradually. You sigh and try to grab however he pulls It away from you and decides to mess with you and hold It above his head. “awh look at you, you can’t even reach it, that’s so cute” he chuckles. “just give it back, I want to go home” you whine before giving up, “I’ll walk home COLD then.” You turn around and walk knowing he’ll give it back; “okay okay hey, HEY, take it,” he says as he drapes it over your shoulder and Kihyun follows hands in his pockets. Walks home with Kihyun and Changkyun started to become the norm since the start of high school until now. You knew that once you move, everything will change and it haunted you so you enjoyed the moment whilst it lasted.

You arrived at your house and you wave your friends goodbye. “when will your mum make that soup again?” Changkyun asks. “I’m not too sure, I can ask her to make it on Friday?” You suggest. They both look at each other and nod their heads in unison.

It was late in the evening and you open your laptop; 9:45pm. You sigh. It’s been exhausting but you spent all evening tidying, cleaning and also resting after your meal. You lean back into your desk chair, the squeak startling your puppy Lucas. He hid under your bed from the sound then soon after leaving the dark abyss under your bed with a squeaky red ball. You open a word document that had over 9 thousand words for a project that you were doing for your business class. You’d study all night for your classes, some nights on call to Kihyun or another one of your friends, Irene. Tonight, you felt like being alone for some reason, perhaps because your best friend was a distraction?  - I’m probably a distraction too – you think to yourself. You look at your computer and think to play something just to get your mind off school for once. You had a selection of things to do for your classes but a slight break from school wouldn’t hurt. The bright screen of your PC lit up your dimly lit room, your window open to let in the winters breeze as well as the moon beaning outside of your window tonight. You grab your headphones and plug them into the headphone jack and you see Changkyun playing the game you wanted to play.

“Yo look at who’s on,” he says in his annoying mocking tone. “you’ve seen me play before, don’t act so surprised,” you scoff, “is Kihyun playing today?” you ask Changkyun. “I don’t think so, he said he had some notes to finish and study, what a loser,” Changkyun laughs “ I mean, he lives up to that name doesn’t he,” making you laugh a little. Changkyun had always been there for you and for Kihyun, making you and Kihyun always make up by doing the most absurd things he could think of. He comforted you as well as Kihyun.

Whilst you wait in the lobby, your phone screen lights up blue with a notification from Kihyun. It was a text message.

“hey my wifi died but I was going to message you to ask what you are doing?” Kihyun texted you. You responded back almost immediately; “ I’m online playing with Changkyun hbu?” you ask. The response was delayed by a couple minutes. “I’m studying atm, if only if could go online I’d play with you” he responds with a sad faced emoticon. “I wish you could too, maybe have an early night and rest, I’ll go in a bit too,” You message him. “I’ll go whenever you do,” – that’s new, he never used to wait for you– “I mean the rounds are really long but we can call if you want,” you tap at your screen. “ it’s okay, just message me okay,”

You start a round with Changkyun, immersing yourself into the game and occasionally yelling when he’d kill you or when he’d win. “hey! That’s not fair I was drinking!” you squeal when he sneaks around the corner and gets his final kill. “no! how?” you growl. “I have never heard you grown on voice chat,” Chankgyun burts into laughter “it’s cute don’t worry, it’s like a little tiger cub.” You hand reaches for your phone to text Kihyun; it had been at least 30 minutes since you last messaged him. “hey Yoo, you still awake?” you press the blue send button and wait for the response. You kept your phone unlocked and settled it onto your desk beside your pink bunny plushie Kihyun got for your birthday which was placed next to a framed photo of you both. You glanced at your phone every second but he hadn’t opened it or read the message, perhaps he fell asleep waiting for you? “Oi why are you so quiet? Did anything happen?” Changkyun noticed the drastic change in your behaviour. “oh it’s nothing I was just waiting for Kihyun to reply but I think he fell asleep.” You lock your phone after sending him a goodnight. “yeah probably, he doesn’t study for this long so many he just fell asleep and it is 1am-” he reminds you. “1am! Shit I need to go to bed,” you scurry around and put your things away, “I’ll play with you tomorrow or something whenever Kihyun is free, I’ll be going to bed now Goodnight!” you frantically leave the game and wash up and get ready for bed. You lean against your oak headboard, your phone between your hands and scroll through your Instagram. The girls who tried to shoot their shot posted and you felt a pit fall in your stomach making your mouth go bitter.– Why do they think they’re so entitled?– you scoff before locking your phone and setting it onto the wireless charging pad you got from Irene. You lay in your bed letting the cool air in your room circulating settle onto your skin making the little hairs on your arms raise. You close your eyes, your eyelids were heavy, and sunk into your mattress letting the cotton sheets intertwine with your body the warmth sheathing your body. You let out one last sigh before drifting off into a sound slumber.

6:30 am. You twist and turn until you turn your alarm off dragging yourself to your bathroom from your bedroom and push the tap up letting the water run until it went warm. You tiredly reached out for your toothbrush and toothpaste, squeezing the white paste from the tube then setting it down on the sink. Lucas whimpers at your feet wanting you to open the garden door for him so whilst you brushed your teeth you opened the garden door for him and continued your morning. You got dressed as usual and went to the kitchen to see what was for breakfast. It was an omelette roll and some sautéed vegetables. You quickly ate your breakfast with a cup of coffee and looked at your phone. “Good morning, sorry for not replying last night but studying is so exhausting! Are you taking the bus today?” Kihyun messages you. “yeah I am,” you reply sipping the bitter, lukewarm liquid from your cup before pouring it down the sink, “is it near my house?” you furiously type before bolting to your room to grab your bag, Airpods and your jacket. Before you were about to dash through the door, you remembered your lunch. “ugh whatever, I’ll just buy lunch,” you say to yourself before running to the bus stop.  You got there on time and go onto the bus; you search for Kihyun and there he was at the back, his bag reserving a seat for you before the girl from the day before spotted it thinking it was for her. – How humiliating– you slowly walk towards him.

“hey,” she flutters her lashes forcing her cutesy tone, “can I sit here?” she asks. Kihyun locks eyes with you and gulps, “oh um well- AH you are here!” he looks at you as you walk towards the two. You could see her eyes fill with fury and her blood could be heard boiling within her. “hey, did you save the seat for me?” you decided to pull her leg a little. She scoffs and turns around to realise that there are no seats, and she has to stand so she walked away and held onto the rings to keep her stable. “She won’t leave me alone,” Kihyun whispers to you, “what do I do?” you let out a soft laugh. “Don’t you know you get encounters like this because you’re single and prom is soon?” you shake your head “how naïve” you nudge him. “oh yeah true, you have a point.” He looks down at his phone scrolling through his feed and you glance over at him. “so, Kihyun, do you like anyone?” you hum leaning into him, trying to see his face, being playful like you usually are. “I-I don’t think I do,” he nods, “why are you asking?” his voice sounded apathetic when he replied. “did I say anything wrong? You sound really… off?” your playfulness disintegrated, and you were confused at his rapid change in emotion. “no you didn’t, I-I just didn’t have coffee this morning, I’m still a bit tired,” he clears his throat and looks outside, “Don’t worry about it, I didn’t mean to upset you.” He hands you a little chocolate truffle wrapped in gold.

The bus stopped at your school and you both got off however the girl shoved past you causing you to drop the wrapped chocolate on the floor which she then stepped on looking back to make sure you were looking. The evil in her eyes burned bright. Kihyun didn’t see what just happened since Changkyun ran up to him and began talking. You stand still for a second as people push past you, why was she so against you? –what did I do?– “Hey sleep well last night?” Changkyun asks you, his joyful voice added to his charismatic personality. “it was great, I had a nightmare that you broke into my house to get your final kill,” you laugh softly, “that wasn’t a good dream…” you roll your eyes. “wow, Kihyun do you hear this? She dreams of me,” Changkyun provokes you to react defensively, joking around with you. “You’re making it sound so wrong,” you yell. “you finish early right? Do you want to go for lunch together?” Kihyun’s honeyed voice asks you. “Of course, if you’re paying,” you smile endearingly. “Okay, I’ll pay” his arm wraps around your  shoulder before Changkyun decides to open his mouth again. “why don’t you just hold hands?” he jokes again “ you both look like a couple anyway,” He bites at his coffee straw. “No we don’t!” You laugh but only 2 of the three of you laughed at the harmless joke. “awh no, I have class,” Changkyun, “it’s fine you both can go we can hang out another day.”

Time was inching closer to your lunch break. It was nearly time to leave, just a couple more minutes. You eyed the time like you life depended on it, you were itching to leave the dingy classroom – I can’t wait to go to university– the ringing of the bell saves you from you thoughts eating you from inside. You dash out the door, or so you thought you would however Kihyun stood there waiting for you with your jacket he got from your locker. “Let’s go,” he smiles before putting his hand on your back and guiding you towards the exit. “damn you were quick,” you prodded his arm. “ well, you can always count on me, we’re like each others-“ he thinks for a moment, “we’re like each others Compass.” Kihyun’s words always sounded poetic one way or the other. He really knew how to sway you with his words, probably from all those years he made you feel comfortable and content whenever you had a hard time. “There’s this restaurant place down the road if you wanna go?” he points down the road. “oooh yeah sure, let’s go!” your ecstatic energy surprising Kihyun as you cling to his arm. He hesitated but the corner of his mouth curled into a smile and his hands rested in his pockets to seem as if he were chilled out in this situation when in fact he was yelling inside, at the top of his lungs.

The interior of the restaurant was simple yet pretty to look at. It was Bohemian inspired; the stained wooden chairs and tables and the white curtain like bunting on the plants above the ceiling. It also has an element of a rustic style too. You and Kihyun walked in and were seated; you look at the menu and your eyes scan down the laminated card. You point out a soup that you want and a drink too, “ these look really good!” you smile at him as he tries to keep himself at bay. “mmh yeah it does, I’ll get the same as you then!” He calls the waitress and orders what you wanted.  Lunched passed my sooner than you’d expected but you both get out your cards to pay.

“what are you doing?” Kihyun sounded perplexed to say the least. “paying for my lunch, what else Kihyun?” He pauses at you, eyeing you up and down then whisking the card away from you. “Not today, my treat okay?” he goes to a waitress as you wait at the table. He left his bracelet on the table so you swiped it into your bag to give to him later. When Kihyun turns around, it was like the gates of Heaven opened up; there was a luminescent glow outlining his angelic features, features that were carefully sculpted by groups of angels. He was just perfect. Whilst he leads you out, you both walk to the bus stop before he pauses and begins to speak. “you know you asked me if I like anyone,” he starts off getting your hopes up thinking he’ll tell you something that’d make your heart happy, “well, do you like anyone?” his head tilts like a little puppy would when they’re confused. “hmm..” you think, unconsciously smiling to yourself, “maybe maybe not Kihyun,” you shrug giggling at his ‘O’ shaped mouth. “You are unbelievable, did you know that,” he tuts, “whatever don’t tell me, the bus is here anyway.” The bus stops and he gets on scanning his pass and you follow and do the same. There were no seats so you both had to stand; he stood behind you and held the rings above and you held onto the railings. The bus jolted and you lost your balance slightly although managing to get a hold of yourself but at the next stop, a group entered the  vehicle and it was cramped. There was a middle aged man toppling onto you and as the bus jolted again he nearly crushed your petite frame until Kihyun shielded you. You looked at him. What an angel.

“Hey, Kihyun…” you whisper and he lowers down slightly to hear what you have to say with a cheerful bright smile on his face that beamed like a sun on a summers day, “you wanna know who I like right?” you giggle into his ears. His ears burned a pinkish-red; “I really really like Changkyun.”

––

                                                     [ 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟏]

The alarm blares through the torn, treacherous city that was now your home; crumbling debris scattered across the left over rubble and concrete from the dismembered buildings that was once an office complex. It was finally the end of the war between the government and the people of the city, although the people only suffered more. New laws were enforced to maintain the city’s population and each household was closely monitored to make sure none of these harsh laws were broken. You let out a short sigh, your warm breath merging with the thick, suffocating air you inhaled. What a time to live in. The streets weren’t the same as they were before; cracked and crumbled with every step you took. This wasn’t the city you knew and loved, this felt like the end. This felt like the end of civilisation. New laws where put in to control population; no romantic or sexual emotion to anyone; it was a strict rule with serious consequences that your friends and family have endured. These were controlled by a drug that every doctor were forced to give to every one of their patients old or young, ill or well; it stopped certain chemicals in ones brain from responding however there were side effects. When this epidemic was once a myth, never existing in this time and era but there you were witnessing everything being ripped away from you, your friends, everyone. Your mother was 1 of 2000 test patients that the drug was tested on, your were one too. The liquid was injected into your skin, piercing through and spreading throughout your body although it was thought that it worked. The fog set and the blazing sun only peered through the ashy clouds before disappearing again beyond the horizon. Police officers patrolled the streets to make sure laws were being followed and no one was hidden away in the alleys. Crime rates were incredibly high; there were at least 2 gun riots every week to prove that the people were suffering, that you needed freedom, only to be cuffed and chained away in a prison sell or worse sentenced to death. This was the world you lived in. This was reality.

It was Friday, the sun was blazing through the grey, ashy clouds which loomed over the demolished buildings, the constant sounds of sirens and shouting blaring through the windows of your home. You had what was left by the people who once lived around you - who had taken their own lives from the pressure and constant torment they had to live with- it was a lonely neighbourhood. The citizens of the city were only allowed to leave their homes for necessary reasons and had to ration food in order to stay alive - it was as if the world was going back in time. Your heart ached as you watched your mother in her bed, afraid she will take her last breath with her hand in yours. It hurt so much. You couldn’t bare to imagine the loss of someone who kept you safe in all the wars and riots but she also couldn’t imagine the loss of someone who loved her as much as you did. The stinging of your eyes returned, eyes pooling with tears as you hold your mothers hand tightly; “don’t worry about me my love, you will be safe and I know you can live without me,” your mother croaked to you, every breath she took seemed like her last. “don’t s-say that.. p-please,” your voice stammers to the though of her leaving you alone in this relentless world with no one but yourself. Shakily, she caresses your arm, cups your face and smiles, “my angel will always be a warrior in my eyes, fight for yourself, for what you believe in,” her words hurt more than anything in that time and moment. Soon after, it was time for you to continue with your studies which was done online; it was surprising even in all this destruction, the government value education over safety. You sit at your oak desk, decorated with memoirs of when life was so much better when you and your friends were living at your best, a small pink bunny plushie and a painting your best friend gifted you. A sharp pain proliferates from your chest and you groan in pain as you stumble to the floor; “don’t you fucking do that again kid, got it?” you hear echoing in your head startling you, “ᴹ: don’t fucking touch me, I did nothing” It felt like your own voice, it felt like you were living someone else’s life in your own head and not knows. the pain struck again, your chest feeling as if were being crushed. “ᴹ:Who is that, what voice is in my head?” the male voice panicked and grunted as he pushed the foot of the officer who was crushing his chest before bolting. You could finally breathe; you pant trying to catch your breath rubbing your chest but the pain didn’t linger. You let it slide thinking it was just the fumes seeping in from inside making you delusional. The blue screen gleamed at you, your teacher waiting for you in the lobby. “ʸ/ᴺ: I really don’t want to do this class,” you think to yourself before hitting your knee on the table leg. “ᴹ:what the fuck, why does my knee hurt?” The voice in your head speaks again. It was the second time it happened so you tried to think of what to do - of course you’d try and communicate with this voice. “ʸ/ᴺ: hi? if you can hear me please respond,” you gulp hoping you weren't going crazing talking to yourself in your head. “ᴹ: hey? I can hear you am I going crazy? did they do something to me?”

The voice responds, panicked.

“ʸ/ᴺ: hey don't worry, you’re not going crazy, i thought I was crazy too, my name is y/n,” There was a short pause. “ᴹ: Minho...” He wasn't certain that he was hearing you, it didn't feel so right at all. Silence was all that you were greeted with after that and you hoped that it was all just stress messing with your mind. “ᴹ: why can you hear me and why can I hear you” He asked, the tone in his voice sounding perplexed, just as you were. “ʸ/ᴺ: I don’t know but don’t you think this is cool?”  you tried to sound at least half convincing to this boy that was speaking in your head. “ᴹ: I guess... where are you from?” He asks slightly easing off.

You converse with him for a while, sharing where you were from - since the city have broken into different sectors - it turned out that he lived on the most brutal sector of the city, sector 7, where the crime rates were the highest. Whilst doing your work, Minho would often tune in to talk about something or share something that you wouldn’t have known about like the night cops invading innocent people’s homes just because a person lied about seeing them steal and other gruesome sightings. Minho sounded lonely, from all the scandalous and rebellious affairs that he commits, he seemed like he needed someone to talk to. You sat in your bed and glared at the ceiling. Your dinner wasn't the most filling thing but it’s all you had. “hey you still awake?” Minho’s voice echoed in your ears. “hi Minho, I am awake, why aren’t you asleep yet?” You glanced the clock, 2am. “I’m not really tired and I want to go outside by I can see cops patrolling the area,” he sighs “i miss when everything was normal,”

You can feel yourself immersing yourself into your memories; the skies were bluer, the incandescent burning sphere gleaming onto the verdant grass, apple trees blossoming in every park you went to. Every corner you turned, every store you entered, you were greeted with ecstatic smiles. but everything was dark now, like you’ve fallen into an abyss of misfortune and inauspicious.

You wanted to leave.

“wanna escape with me? Minho asks through nothing but the connection you both had. “wh-what?” you throat closes every so slightly to even hear such an outlawed word. Escape. “I would do anything to leave this place, but is there anywhere to go?” You pause for a little bit. “maybe now isn’t a good time actually, maybe we should plan out escape!”

Everything was too overwhelming for you.

Days, weeks and months went by where you’d talk to Minho, the sweet sound of his voice kept you company and, ultimately, kept you sane in this chaos of a life you were living. You wanted to put an abrupt stop to it, maybe it would’ve been better if you ended it all a couple years back. It stuck with you after that day when you attempted to but your mother risked her life to save you; you were the reason she was hospitalised ever since. Your sister could take care of her if you left. Thoughts fed into your brain before you collapsed from the stress. Minho’s heart felt like it was ripped out of his chest, a black bruise slowly appears near the tail of his left brow. You hit your head hard onto the banister of your house and lay there, unconscious. Your sister didn’t seem to care about you much although only care if your mother was okay and that YOU were taking care of her. Hurts doesn’t it? The faint sound of your sister’s wailing was ringing in your ears but Minho’s voice floods your ears and that’s all you hear. Him.

“Hey, are you okay?” he pants as if he can’t breathe. “yn, are you breathing, i cant breathe so-” he gasps for air. you try to respond but you couldn’t but something went through. “WAKE UP! please-” he wails. For once someone cared about you and you felt your chest fill up and you gasped for air once again. “did you try to do it again...” your sister asks monotonously. “No. i didnt. stop bringing it up...”

Your heart ached and it wasnt from what just happened but the fact Minho fell in love with your voice. You could tell he did and you knew you did too but held back from it. “hey hey hey! are you okay? you weren’t responding for a while-” You cut minho off. “i’m fine, just fainted and bashed my head a bit.”. “I think thats an understatement.. judging from the bruise on my face right now,” he chuckles. Fuck. “omg i’m so sorry, i didnt know that happened!” you panic before he assures you it’s all okay. you heart feels warm, like there was a small sun melting the ice that once covered it. How was it possible to fall in love with someone you haven’t seen before? The connection you felt with him was unreal, you felt like you’ve known him your whole life.

“Let’s run away from here,” You thought to yourself so he could hear you. “Are you being for real, you’re not joking are you?” he responded sounding excited yet a little concerned for the rapid change of mind. “you haven’t even met me yet so why don’t we do that first?” He suggests and it leaves you in sudden shock again. “hey? is there anything wrong,” he assumed he scared you off but you were struggling to articulate a sentence to talk to him. “maybe, it de-” he cuts you off. “ lets meet tomorrow, midnight, where the Willow trees are,” he sounded confident but you weren’t; you were worried. “the off limit area?” you ask. “yes, don’t hold back, take some risks isn’t this what life is for?”

and from that single utterance, a flood of reason took over making you feel different.

[ Play →  Nocturne ]

Haziness sheathed the ruptured city, or what remained of it whilst the mild breeze brushed past your cascading ebony locks that suddenly stopped when the winds calmed down; It reminded you of when you and your friends would have such a joyous time together until the destruction. No one was around at this time, 00:23, you tighten the strings to your hoodie and grip onto your jacket whilst briskly walking towards the Willow trees. It was a preserved area only to be admired from a far since it was the only bit of the past that was left in your city. No one knew what was beyond the Willow trees however many created conspiracies that there was a beautiful ocean on the outskirts of the city no one knew about, some even mentioned that it was a widespread field and then a boarder which was deemed to be a death wish to those who attempted to cross it. Although you weren’t going there to prove to yourself what was beyond the verdant leaves and arching Willow trees, you were there to see him. The one that was ought to be your soulmate. The pathetic wired fence was already chewed through by wild animals such as foxes or stray dogs, conveniently small enough for you to slip through. As you slid through, the heavenly sensation of grass makes your senses go hysterical! Wondering carefully through the trees, you hear rustling and turn around to see if anyone was following you. There was no sign. You turn back around to face the front and there he was and before you could react, his hand draped over your mouth and he held you against his body as he spun and pushed his back against the tree. Minho was holding you. How did he know it was you? There was a brief pause before anything was said and that’s when you heard rattling of keys and footsteps scurrying around. You nearly got yourself caught but he saved you.

“Sorry, I had to do that, I saw some policemen as you were walking in,” he whispered. “Anyway, I’m Minho, the little voice in your head,” his lip curved one way as his head tilted simultaneously the same way. You were in awe, you wouldn’t have imagined him to look this way; his chestnut brown hair and tiger-stone hued irises were what stood out the most to you, besides his tall frame and the aura of his mischievousness and charm. You could see his features illuminated in the full moon and he gently let go of you but you didn’t want him to. It felt reassuring, like someone actually cares about you for you and not because of what you can bring. He took you to the further end, away from the gates. Trickling of a small little waterfall, the gentle rustling of the leaves in the mild breeze along with the presence of your soulmate; it felt too good to be true! Minho guided you to a small shelter which seemed to have been there for a while. “Here’s my escape and where I talk to you most the time,” he sits down in the little den he made and you follow him and sit next to him. The moon was full tonight, illuminating the gentle lake as a crickets sing at the banks. You felt warm within, you felt at home. The longing had finally stopped; his hand lay beside him and you just imagined your fingers intertwining, Minho holding you close and keeping you safe. You craved for it after everything you had been through; “yn, you do know I can hear nearly everything you think of?” Minho smiles at you and moves closer to you, his arm wrapping around your waist, hands touching, your fingers slowly intertwining. “you can lay your head on me if you want to, just know you’re finally safe with me,”

[  Play →  Moonlight Sonata ]

You finally felt free with Minho and you both talked under the full moon although you started to shiver, the icy wind biting at your skin. Minho pulled a blanket and it draped over both of you to keep you warm and he held you tightly, not wanting to let you go. You felt the urge to lean your head onto his chest to which he allowed you, your body freely leaning onto his chest; like two magnets attracted to each other. There was no repelling force at this given moment. Hours shot by and before you knew it, it was time to depart for the first time. Hesitantly, your fingers leave his hands, slipping them into your pockets before he gazed ever so lovingly into your eyes; “I’ll see you again. Maybe this should be our day?” he chuckles before suddenly kissing your cheek. A soft gasp leaves your lips whilst he looks back at you mischievously; “didn’t see that one, did you?” he smiles, “get going, I don’t want you to get in trouble,” He says before waving you goodbye and pulling his hood over his head and walking the opposing way. You wanted to go back and hug him once more, his warmth melting every icicle in your body, the ice that coated your heart finally gone. It felt warm again. He briefly stops for a moment, “Let’s meet again,” the soft smile which was illuminated by the lune that ruled the abyss looming over you. His softly tanned yet slightly pale skin was perfectly glazed by the cool luminosity of the moon. “to our hearts content?” you respond to him. “To our hearts content,” lets out a little satisfied sign, as if he were holding his breath before pulling the strings to his jacket and escaping the preserved meadow.

Your arrival was prompt, and you were not caught by anyone during the early hours of the morning. Your sister was fast asleep, and your window was open ajar from when you left, so climbing in was easy. “I miss you,” Minho speaks to you. A swarm of butterflies intrude the calmness you were experiencing, nervousness deluging throughout. “Nervous to hear my voice again?” you knew he was teasing you again. But that’s when you felt at ease again too; his mellifluous voice, like a river of honey trickling. He made you feel like you were in utopia; verdant flora, blue skies, bunnies and birds as free as they could be in meadows. He made you feel free, like you were running through that meadow holding his hand, just you and Minho and the world. But right now, it was chaos, destruction, violence, murder, crime – there was no running in meadows with your soulmate however there was running away amongst debris and stained concrete from them in order to stay safe. And that was the sad truth.

→  𝟔 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫

[ Play →  Black Swan ]

One night, 2 months ago, Minho finally asked to make your forbidden relationship official and without hesitation you nodded your head. It was memorable since you couldn’t forget the passion he put into the kiss you both exchanged; the way his hand cupped your face, his fingers brushing your cheek and through your hair, his other hand pulling your waist close to you. You remembered the way his lips manoeuvred across your lips to your cheeks then briefly pausing to gaze lovingly into your eyes. You wouldn’t forget the first time he said those three words; “I love you,” the genuine tone in his voice, stammering, it sounded like he was scared. He was afraid of loss. “I won’t leave you, I promise,” you brushed your thumb across his cheek, assuring him you weren’t going to go anywhere. Everything felt more surreal than surreal that night until reality struck the next day when you got home.

“yn, where have you been sneaking off to so late at night?” your sister asks. It wasn’t curiosity, it was to get you arrested, taken away, imprisoned. “nowhere, I just need fresh air from constantly being inside, you do you care?” you snap, you were done being so nice – Minho was right, it was time for you to do what you wanted for yourself. “You’re right I don’t care, I want you to stop putting mother and I in danger for once and just follow what the government have told us, you don’t have to rebel against everything?” Her ears were burning red, her anger rising with every word she spoke, but it didn’t bother you. Minho was with you all the time, hearing your feelings when you thought about them. You remained calm. “WHY ARE YOU NOT REACTING? WHY AREN’T YOU SAYING ANYTHING?” she yells at you. You let out a little chuckle, “is that what you want from me? A reaction, to yell at you, to say how much I hate you?” The silence was deafening at this point. “what are you going to do, report me? Because it will all lead back to you because you could’ve stopped me within these 6 months but you didn’t?” You said as she stood there empty headed, struggling to articulate a sentence to snap back. Nothing. “why do you hate me so much to put me in danger?” she stuttered, the selfish remark suddenly sinking into her making her have her own self-realisation how ridiculous she sounded. She rapidly turned around and slammed her room door; “well done yn, I’m proud of you,” he comforted you. Your sister began to avoid you and would disappear at odd times, her door would be locked all the time until one day she didn’t come home from the store. You panicked and went to check her room before you could do anything else and there was a small brown envelope on her bed with the money you gave her for the groceries and a small letter;

“I’m sorry for everything but I can’t bare to live this harsh life anymore and look after mother anymore. I put you through enough pain but you equally put me through more~ don’t look for me and throw this away when you find it.”

You immediately panic but it was too late. The police showed up at your door for a thorough investigation but found nothing. You clutched onto the letter and shoved it in your pocket before you were summoned for a brief interview. You couldn’t believe what just happened and you didn’t want to, and you tried so hard to hold back the tears that were flooding your eyes. You knew if your mother heard this she’d react badly, and her health would be in danger, but it was just so inevitable. The heart monitor near your mother’s bed started to blare an alarming sound; she was in critical danger. You charge over to your mother and try to get her back on track, but it was no use, the news of your sister startled her. It’s not nice hearing such tragic news.

And that was the day you lost two people to one stone. The stone being you. The burden that destroyed the family.

There was nothing to lose now, no one to live for except Minho. “Minho, I want to see you, but we don’t have to hide anymore” You lay in your bed after the police leave, taking away your mother. The silence was painful, salty tears trailing down your cheeks and into the corners of your lips. The bitter taste in your mouth remained there and you wanted Minho to change that. “I can’t stay with you at your home yn, I’m from a different district,” he reminded you. “what if we escaped, remember? That’s what you told me right? Why don’t we just do it?” you pleaded him. “are you sure? What happened?” He asks, concerned. “can we meet today?”

The air was thick and misty. You crawled through the wired fence again and ran to the specific spot again and you saw him waiting for you, his arms wide open; you and Minho were like the last puzzle piece, finally connecting. You hide your face into his chest and he gently rocks you side to side, his hand caressing your head and tightening his embrace. “there, there, I’m here for you don’t cry please, I hate to see you hurt,” he whispers into your ear. “have you ever lost someone before?” you sob into his hoodie and grip it tightly to his response was simple yet spoke a million emotions – “yes…” you could hear his heart speed up and his grip become firmer. There was no breeze today and it was suffocating. It was like the worlds way of saying ‘you deserve it’. “do you want to hear a story?” he asks you, stroking your soft locks as you lay on his chest on the grass under the Forbidden Willow tree. You nod your head, curious as to what the story was.

“ There was a boy as young as the age of 8 years old. He would get up to all sorts of trouble until one day his town was ambushed by a political group wiping out nearly half of the population. As he grew up in fear and terror, he heard a little voice in his head thinking it was his guardian angel – he was 14 years old at the time but it would often come and go. He would talk to his angel now and then until the age of 16 he realised it was a real person. As the saying goes, God creates us in pairs and sometimes those pairs have to wait lifetimes to find the right one or even leads to the right person. The angel he spoke to mysteriously disappeared until one day it was revealed that she took her own life. He never knew why but he though that was the last of it. Until one day, at the age of 20, another voice began to ring in his head when the boy was in a fight with someone in a new district. It was like a magnet pulling him to them. From then he wanted to make the most of it and keep her safe and do anything to be with her.” –

“And that’s why I’m with you now”

You look up at him, your doe eyes tear stained and slightly puffy. “should we leave this place?” he asks you and there was no time to think, it was all impulsive to deal with your pain. “Let’s go, far away from here, tomorrow at dawn” you say without a second thought. He had nothing to lose either, as long as you were together. You could see the stars in his eyes gleam and glow with great fire; your chin rested on his shoulder; the gentle nuzzles making you feel safer than you have ever been. You had set yourself up to a great task which sounded impossible, but what was there to lose?

 [Play → experience ]

Clouds sheathed the blazing red sky. For some reason, the aura was tense like the universe was warning you. The sky was painted vermillion, the blazing sun peaking at the horizon although the vicious winds so tempestuous, that it rattled your home and also destroyed many crops. These storms would pass by every 3 years, no one knew why but it did. 4:54 AM – the silence of your home was so deafening that you yearned for freedom, to be able to run across sunflower fields. Your future awaits. You had full control of it now. You shoved a few things into bag and threw it over your shoulder before leaving stealthily through your back window. “don’t  be scared My Love,” your heart panged in slight pain hearing that specific phrase from him. It pained you since you were your mother’s Love, her pride and joy but coming from him, from none other than Minho, it felt different. “I’m not scared, you’re with me, right? You’ll stay by my side won’t you?” you communicate to yourself – what if it’s a trap? – you murmur to yourself. He seemed to really have a deep admiration for you, he actually cared? Whatever. You ran as fast as you could to the Willow trees and crawled under the broken wire fence. You ran. Fast. No thoughts at all, just your wish to be with Minho. You see Minho waiting outside the small shack that you both would hang out in, his arms out and ready to embrace you. You fall into his arms forgetting anything and everything and you both topple over and Minho grunts as he collides against the grass. He saved you before he could save himself from the fall and in the heat of the moment, you pressed your lips against Minho’s, hands cupping his face. Simultaneously, Minho’s hand rests at your nape whilst the other wraps around your waist. You both were fully immersed in the heat of the moment before Minho rolled over and positioned him above you, his hands holding your wrists either side of you. It startled you slightly, but you saw Minho in a different light. His head lowered into the crook of your neck before stopping to whisper something into your ear; “You’re okay with this right?” He gulps nervously. You nod knowing you can trust him with your whole life. His head dips into the crook of your neck, his lips pursed pressing onto your neck like a stamp, inking paper with his love. You try to reach to touch his chestnut locks, he releases his grip; your fingers intertwine through his soft locks. A wholesome moment turns a sharp turn when passion, desire and a hint of lust combines. Minho stays gentle with you although his kisses start to have a hint of heat to it, his tongue trailing town your neck nipping at your skin. You wanted to make the most of this. Of course, things escalated fast, pleasure and devotion. However it was cut short – there was rustling and it wasn’t the wind… You both scurried into the corner of the small building you were in and remained silent, Minho holding you close. There were flashlights, searching around the area but bearing in mind the police force are just so useless they didn’t find you. 6:02 AM. It was time to make the grand escape. Minho waited 5 minutes to pass since they usually linger until something happens, a sick way to arrest and execute people to be honest. 

“Let’s go ~” Minho’s fingers interlink with yours and creeps towards the other side of the preserved area of land. Minho reached into his bag for some wire cutters he found hidden in a bush and kept ever since he found it. With force, he cut the wired fence glancing at you, with hope. He takes the cutters with him and crawls through the small gap offering his hand to help you through. What you saw was almost indescribable.

You couldn’t stop yourself from smiling, you felt ever so free. You had never felt so happy. Minho holds your hand, “we have to run, run through this field to get to the water, where the boats are!” His voice shaking. And so you did what he said. You ran through the luscious fields covered with various species of flowers; whilst running Minho picks one up for you, a daisy. He smiles at you and you smile back. Everything was so perfect. No one was on this land but you and him, something you always dreamed of. You both let out giggles of happiness and relief, Minho picked you up halfway and kissed you and you kissed his pink lips back, the corner of his lips curling into a smile that was uncontrollable. “we’re finally free,” He gazes softly into your eyes. Minho Spun you around giggles filling the silence of the land, your arms draping around his shoulder and holding him close. You were finally with the love of your life, your soulmate. The sun began to rise and everything felt surreal! Your cheeks hurt from smiling so much, you could feel how much Minho was longing for this moment since his hugs were so tight. He didn’t want you to go. He kissed you once more before tucking a piece of hair behind your ear –

[ Play → Fake love ]

But that’s all you remember before everything turned cold the shriek of pain fading away into an abyss of darkness. One. Two. Three. You felt his hands on your cheeks, his tears like raindrops on a stormy night, the pain filling his eyes. You felt his tears drip onto your cheeks and his embrace before you inhaled one last time and with all your might, you clenched onto the first daisy he has ever given you before there was no strength left. No light, no warmth.

Just eternal darkness.