#nct angst

yn:

•you were the first one to see the article, it had a lengthy story about you and a link to anonymous google docs with videos and pictures of you with the dream members, you had no idea where they had come from or how they had got that footage, but it scared you.

• someone had hacked into your icloud account and was able to get into your photo albums, all without your knowledge, countless clips and snapshots of you with the members in your camera roll, now stolen and illegally uploaded to the internet through an unreachable IP address.

• it was 3am, you were the only one awake, now scrolling through hours of content. nude photos you have sent the members, photos they have taken of you, in bed, videos of you sucking them off, videos of you getting fucked by one or more of the members, pictures you had taken of them, everything was on display.

• your hands hands shake as you click onto the next file and each one is as graphic and violating as the last. you watchin horror as the once private videos you all took are now right there on the dispatch website, readily available in one clip. the sounds of your own voice making you feel sick, hearing them talking to you, telling you how beautiful you look for all of them, calling you petnames that are for just your ears, seeing you in ways that are for their eyes only now widespread news.

•you had all of these hidden on your phone in a locked album that needed your face id to unlock, but being an idol didn’t make it hard for someone to easily find a photo of your face and get in. you wouldn’t be so irresponsible to have them in your main camera roll waiting to be found.

• the sight of you and the members naked bodies staring back at you on your laptop has your chest heaving. watching haechan slap his length across your face before you take it into your mouth as he holds your phone steady and films you, or how jeno holds the camera infront of you to show off how dumb he’s making you go on his fingers and laughing, both of them had originally sent the videos into your encrypted group chat, planning to make everyone jealous, but now you want nothing more than to have these videos disappear, forever.

• the next is a collection of shaky blurry photos taken by jaemin, he’s behind you hitting it from the back and your face is pressed into chenles pelvis, eiffel towering you. you switche back and forth between your open tabs, reading the article more closely, and jumping back to the google doc.

• you know you have to tell them, wake them up and all of you delete anything else before more footage is released, change your icloud password, stop whatever hacker from infiltrating any more of your personal details, especially any financial info you keep on your phone. you slams your laptop shut and make your way to jenos bedroom, pushing the door open and coming straight to his side, usually when you wake jeno you’re gentle and calming, gently pulling him from slumber, but right now you’re freaking out and shaking him awake hurriedly.

• “wake up, you have to get up, i’ve been hacked” he sits up confused, thinking he’s dreaming “wha?… yn? baby what are you doing- yn!?” you’re dragging him up, sitting him up fully and handing him his phone so he can search it up. “oppa my icloud, it’s been hacked, i don’t know how or when but i have to change the password” “what do you mean hacked?” “i have to change the password, now, just go on the dispatch website, i’ll explain later” you leave and go back to your room, grabbing your phone and laptop again as you try and get into your icloud to change it but it’s already been changed, cursing and kicking your bed as jeno walks into the room. “baby i don’t understand? what’s happening?” “they got into my phone remotely, all my apps, texts, pictures, info, all of it… there’s a google doc, dispatch just linked it” you look up at jeno, shaking and panic setting in.

• tears fall from your eyes as you show jeno what’s already been uploaded, and more still being added, both of you now shouting and panicking, not particularly at each other but just the heightened stress causing both of you to yell. “i think im gonna be sick…” you turn to start walking towards the bathroom, and clearly all your shouting and crying has woken up the rest of the members, all of them listening outside your door, when you open the door you look at them all, and spontaneously throw up right there in front of them, renjun and jaemin reaching out to help you and clean you up.

renjun:

• he had no idea what you and jeno where shouting about, all of them had been listening on the other side of your door, they could hear you crying, and neither of you sounded like you were having an argument, but something was definitely wrong. when the door opened and you stood there, pale, tears soaking your face you look at them all, giving them a vacant blank stare before you’re throwing up into your hands.

• he reaches forward immediately, not caring about the mess, he just wants you to be okay, he shakes your hands to clean them as much as possible, causing it to join the rest of it on the floor jaemin taking a big step over your pile of sick and and helping you out the room and into the bathroom. renjun sits with you while you sit by the toilet, continually throwing up and crying, shouting to mark to find out what happened.

• jeno starts to cry as he explains what’s happened, crying from fear, embarrassment, regret, guilt, and renjuns hand slowly comes to a stop from rubbing circles on your back. “angel… is it true?” you can’t look at him, you just nod your head as you stare into the toilet bowl. the rest of them are panicking now too.

• renjun stands up leaving you alone on the bathroom floor and starts pacing, all of them arguing back and forth, jaemin shouting from the threshold of your door where he cleans up your sick, all of them going at each others throats and it causes you to throw up again, the noise, the late hour, the dread, everything feels surreal. you start feeling like an out of body experience, like your spirit leaves your body, watching yourself over the toilet bowl, then back at your boyfriends.

• it doesn’t stop until you feel hands back on your shoulders, looking up to see renjun back at your side. in their moment of panic, they had completely forgotten about the most important person, you. he had left you there alone on the floor, providing 0 comfort. he’s apologising hard, holding your hair, trying to encourage you to drink water, he doesn’t care that your covered in sick, doesn’t care about anything else, all he wants is to ensure you’re okay.

• he’s pulling you to his chest when you sit up, when you finally fall against him you start wailing, he had never heard you cry like this in his whole time of knowing you, the sounds snapping everyone else out of their trance. they watch as renjun rocks you back and forth, holding on to you as you shake and thrash against him.

• “why did they do this? why me? why us?” renjun kisses the top of your head “i don’t know angel, but we’ll make it right… we’ll make sure of it” he holds you there against him until your crying subsides, even just a tiny bit. “i promise you, im gonna get that fucking asshole, i’m gonna find them, and im gonna expose them” you keep going on and on about how it’s too late, people will have already seen it, fans in other time zones, fans waking up will have seen them, other news articles and companies will have their own links to the google doc, there’s loads more that haven’t came from your icloud, cctv, fan recorded footage, there’s plenty of images that have been uploaded, and only a fraction of them came from whatever hacker has your info. he still ensures he will find them, find everyone who did this to you, all of them had now reported the article and the google doc, but they had to get help from the company to ensure any real change can be done.

jeno:

• when you’ve cleaned been cleaned up, you’re sitting on his lap on your bed, you’re going through the article, going through the comments and tags on social media, chenle is on the phone with your managers, trying to get in touch with the legal team. jeno is trying his best to track any IP addresses that he can but it’s no use, everything is fully untraceable.

• “i’m getting anything that i can, i’m trying my best” “thank you…” “give me your phone, i’m going to see if any locations have triggered when they logged in” you give him your phone and he starts going through it. you watch closely, he can’t find any locations but he’s able to log out your icloud on all devices and he changes your password. once your logged back in he’s again looking for locations.

• “can you find anything?” “sorry baby…” you slump against him and he holds you close. the doc stops being updated while they’re logged out your account and you all relax and focus on finding who it is and where they’re doing this from. jeno is looking through the documents, the links, running them through apps to find where they’ve been created. if any software has been used to create the documents.

• jeno is very tech savvy and you just watch quietly, chenle finally getting in touch with lawyers and setting up a meeting for everyone with your manager. jeno is looking through every picture, every piece of evidence. trying to remember where they’ve were when the cctv was taken, trying to match any outfits, he’s really locked in.

• of course he feels absolutely humiliated and violated but a lot of the footage is of you, of course they are all involved and shown, but nothing compared to what’s been released about you, he feels completely destroyed for you, he can see it in your face you want the ground to swallow you up, he has a reassuring hand on your knee, squeezing.

• then another google doc gets released and he’s freezing up. “what the fuck?” your head snaps up “what now?” “there’s more” you collapse against the bed and curl into a ball. “there not from your phone, they’re cctv” you know he’s trying to reassure you, but it didn’t matter where they’re from, there was more and it was killing you.

haechan:

• he watches you spew in front of them, in complete shock. when you had been taken away he steps over your throw up and into the room, pushing on jenos shoulders “what the fuck did you say to her?” jeno pushes him back, “me? i didn’t do fucking anything!” they start arguing about what jeno did to make you so upset, until jeno finally can get a word in and tell him what had happened, showing him your laptop.

• haechan is freaking out. he also thinks he’s going to throw up, everyone now surrounding your computer, everyone shouting and ranting about how this happened, who would’ve done it, how long it’s been active. everyone seems to have forgotten about you as they all start shouting, jaemin cleaning up the floor, renjun now back to comforting you haechan has stormed off, saying he needs to clear his head.

• he doesn’t come back until a few hours later, it’s now early in the morning, you’re all still stressed out. quietly watching as the docs get updated every few minutes. he agrees to come to the meeting, and he can see you laid out in the fetal position on your bed. he feels so terrible for leaving you when you need all of them the most.

• he sits down and quietly asks if he can hold you, when you agree he’s gently pulling you into his chest. “i missed you, i needed you” “i know… i’m sorry, i just didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to help, and i couldn’t see you like this without knowing what to do”

• renjun gets ready for your meeting, encouraging everyone else to do the same. when everyone is dressed your manager meets you outside, when you’re all walking to your cars there’s saesangs and news reporters surrounding you all, your bodyguards, security and managers do their best to protect all 7 of you. he notices the security prioritises the men, leaving you almost fully uncovered, people attempting to shove cameras and microphones in your face.

• haechan holds you as close as he can, making sure you have as much protection as possible. “don’t let go of me, i won’t let them hurt you” he feels the strong grip you have on his hoodie and it breaks his heart, you stand as close in the middle of the group as you can, all of them trying their best to man mark you. when you’re finally in the car, things are getting thrown at your window, food, shoes, rocks, anything these saesangs can find. when you flinch away from the window next to you he’s pulling you away from it and into his chest again.

jaemin:

• reaching out and pulling you away from the mess in the doorway. “come on, come here, it’s okay, i’ll clean this, just go to the bathroom” you step out and follow renjun to the bathroom, and he’s getting cleaning supplies to clean up your sick. he’s on his hands and knees disinfecting the floor after he’s finished mopping and simultaneously shouting with all the members.

• when everyone’s calmed down and is now solution oriented instead of in their feelings stage he’s standing up and washing his hands in the sink as he looks down at you and renjun on the bathroom floor. “how is she?” “how does she look?” he just silently nods and walks out again, going back to look at the files.

• he helps you stand and he brings you to your room again, changing you into clean clothes, discarding of your dirty pyjamas and putting them in the washing machine, he comes back upstairs to find you crying alone in his room. “hey… come back, i know it’s scary, i’m scared too, but we need to keep trying” you shake your head “i can’t… i can’t go back in there and see what they’re all saying, anyone could’ve saved those, and if we get them taken down they can just be re uploaded”. he kisses your head “then we will take them down too, please, just come back, we can’t do it alone”

• he is concerned, not only at what’s happened, but the fact an official news source would link something like this, it’s so graphic and not child friendly, anyone could’ve clicked the link and gained access to all of these images. there was no age verification required, so whoever did this, has no regard for public safety.

• he knows a lot of their fanbase is young, so he’s worried for their safety too. he hates that this has happened to you all, but he hates the idea of any young person, let alone his own fans being in any risk of danger on the internet.

• he is spiralling bad, he’s trying to go out and chase haechan, bring him home, he’s calling his parents, asking for advice, he’s calling the senior members, he just needs someone to tell him that this is fixable, that this can all be wiped and removed from the internet within the hour, but it’s helpless.

• when things have calmed down and jeno seems to be getting some kind of progress they’re all quietly monitoring the google doc on each of their phones and laptops. he glances at you and jeno, you look so different to how you went to bed last night, hair now a mess, you’re clammy and tense, all colour had drained from you and he can already see eye bags forming under your eyes. he’ll occasionally reach out and rub your head softly as you sigh desperately in jenos arms.

chenle:

• calls his brother, he’s a police officer, and he will have some kind of intel. when his brother gives him some relatively sound advice he thanks him and hangs up. throwing money at any software jeno requires. he’s googling private investigators, booking appointments, paying for services, looking into his family lawyers, anything chenle can buy to shut this whole thing down he is.

• chenle seems to be the most calm from the get go, as soon as he found out what was happening, he was immediately thinking rationally, contacting anyone he can and offering any figure they require to help you all out. he works closely with jeno, both of them well versed in the internet and its loopholes.

• “when did you last back up your phone baby?” when you tell him you don’t know, he and jeno are looking through your phone, last backed up 3 days ago. “have you taken any pictures since then? or have we sent you any?” you shake your head no, and he feels a little bit of relief knowing that there’s nothing from too recent.

• when you get logged back into your phone you’re hands are shaking as you start mass deleting anything compromising, changing passwords to all your apps and social media’s, when you log in, you already see all the hate you’re receiving. “just ignore that, make sure they’ve not gotten in and posted anything from your account” you follow his instructions and you check nothing has been posted or hacked. then you check your instagram and it has been deactivated.

• “what does that mean? can you check if my accounts gone? check your phone”. chenle is checking on his own instagram, your account is gone, but he can’t find any evidence of you being hacked, your account has just disappeared. “nothing seems to have been posted from your account, no one is posting anything”

• in the morning when you are all getting ready for your meetings he lets you wear one of his hoodies, and he puts his glasses on your face, the big blacked out lenses covering the top half of your face, then your face mask blocking the bottom half. “our managers are outside, you’ll be with us, we’ll keep you safe, just keep walking and keep your head straight, we’re going to fix this”

jisung:

• another one who genuinely thinks he’s going to throw up. he’s a nervous person to begin with, so any form of confrontation or adversity is setting his nervous system on fire. he starts crying as everyone argues, unsure if he should get involved or tend to you. he’s walking back and forth between your bedroom and the bathroom trying to convince himself to just step up and pick one. he eventually goes back to your room quietly.

• when you arrive back in the room with everyone he’s quietly rocking himself in the chair, trying to self sooth. he definitely tries his best to step up and be supportive and assertive, but he genuinely can’t bring himself to involve himself, just quietly listening to everyone trying to find a solution. he feels so useless, and he feels terrible that he can’t be the strong man you deserve.

• when you see him spiralling you quietly walk to him. “can i sit with you?” he’s pursing his lips in a sympathetic smile and pats the space beside him. you sit down you cuddle up to him. “i’m sorry” he hugs you tighter “this isn’t your fault, i’m sorry this is happening, you don’t deserve this” “i’m still sorry, i’m sorry i let this happen”

• his heart feels heavy as you apologise to them all, blaming yourself for not being careful enough, but you had taken all the right precautions, all your photos were in your hidden folder, all your group chats were encrypted, it’s this sick bastards fault for hacking your entire icloud, and staff from all these restaurants and venues that have most likely sold all this cctv footage.

• the walk from your home to the cars feels like the longest walk of his life, and it is the scariest experience he’s ever been apart of, he’s done a lot of things for his group, like riding rollercoasters and waterslides and he was panicking then, but walking through this stampede of people, it was terrifying, and the majority of the focus was on you, so he can only imagine how you’re feeling.

• he reaches behind him and you use your free hand to grab hold of him, one arm firmly wrapped around haechans bicep, your other hand outstretched and gripping jisungs hand hard.

The airport was too bright for heartbreak. Everything about it felt artificial—sterile white lights reflecting off polished floors, automated announcements interrupting human emotion every thirty seconds, strangers dragging their entire lives behind them in suitcases without looking at each other twice.

You hated airports.

Not because of flying.

But because airports were proof that people were always leaving.

And tonight, you were only there because your younger sister had forgotten her passport and called you in tears, twenty minutes before boarding.

That was it.

A quick drop-off, ten minutes max.

In and out.

No emotional damage attached.

At least, that’s what you thought.

The terminal doors slid open with a mechanical hum, cold air hitting your face immediately as you stepped inside. Your hood was still damp from the rain outside and fingers curled tightly around the passport in your coat pocket whilst you searched through the crowded terminal for your sister.

People were everywhere.

Families hugging goodbye.

Children asleep on luggage.

Couples arguing quietly near charging stations.

You even noticed a person crying near security.

Life was moving in every direction at once.

You pulled out your phone to text your sister— then froze completely.

Like your body stopped belonging to you for one horrifying second.

Because standing near Gate 14, half-hidden beneath the giant departure screen, was Johnny.

Not a memory.

Not someone who looked like him.

Johnny.

Your Johnny.

Or at least the person who used to be.

The world around you blurred instantly.

He stood with one hand gripping the handle of a black suitcase while the other rested in the pocket of his long coat. Dark hair slightly messy like he’d been running his fingers through it repeatedly. Headphones around his neck. Phone in his hand.

And somehow, somehow— he still looked exactly like the man you ruined your loving.

And it made you feel like your lungs had stopped working.

It had been eleven months.

Eleven months since you last heard his voice in person.

Eleven months since you watched him leave your apartment at four in the morning with swollen eyes and trembling hands.

Eleven months since he whispered,

“I think staying is hurting us more than leaving.”

At the time, you thought that was the cruelest thing he could’ve said.

Now you understood it was probably the most honest.

Johnny looked thinner.

That was the first thing you noticed after the shock wore off.

Not dramatically.

Just enough to suggest sleepless nights combined with skipped meals, too much work and too much loneliness.

He laughed softly at something on his phone, but it sounded empty even from across the terminal.

And suddenly you remembered every version of his laugh.

The real one that was only reserved for you.

The fake public one.

Even the exhausted one he used after arguments when neither of you had energy left to keep fighting.

God. This was a mistake.

You should leave. Right now.

Before he sees you.

Before old wounds rip open again.

But heartbreak had always made you stupid.

Because instead of walking away, you stared.

And as if sensing it— Johnny looked up.

Your eyes met instantly.

The effect was catastrophic.

His entire body went still. Not subtle. Not composed in the slightest.

Like someone had physically hit him.

The phone slowly lowered from his hand and dangled dangerously between his fingers.

You watched recognition spread across his face first. Then disbelief. Then something infinitely worse.

Pain.

Raw, unmistakable pain.

For one terrible moment neither of you moved.

The airport noise faded into static around you.

And suddenly there were no announcements, no conversations, not even the sounds of rolling suitcases.

Just that look on Johnny’s face.

Like after eleven months apart, seeing you was still enough to destroy him.

You looked away first because you had to.

Because if you kept staring you might actually break down right there in Terminal B.

You turned sharply, heart slamming violently against your ribs, and started walking in the opposite direction.

Fast. Too fast.

Like outrunning him might somehow save you.

But footsteps echoed behind you almost immediately.

Of course they did.

And then a voice broke through the void, through the echo of every painful beat of your heart.

His voice.

Deep, familiar and cracking slightly around your name.

And just like always— you stopped.

The sound of him saying your name after nearly a year apart hurt more than you prepared for. It carried too much history. Too many shared nights. Too many memories buried alive that were threatening to see the surface of what was once love.

You closed your eyes briefly before turning around slowly.

Johnny had stopped a few feet away from you.

Close enough to touch, far enough to remind you he no longer could.

For a second neither spoke.

He looked stunned.

Actually stunned.

Like he still couldn’t process that you were real and standing in front of him instead of existing inside old photographs and deleted messages.

“You cut your hair,” he said finally, voice quieter now.

You almost laughed.

Not because it was funny.

Because somehow that tiny observation shattered you more than anything else he could have said.

Of course he noticed.

Johnny always noticed everything about you. The things nobody else saw, the things you thought you had tucked away from the entire world and even all the things that you didn't even realise yourself. He noticed it all and he would turn every single one of them into more reasons to make you feel loved.

“You grew yours out,” you replied softly.

His hand lifted unconsciously to the back of his neck before dropping again.

Same habit. Same nervous tell that you found so endearing.

God, you hated this.

Hated how familiar he still felt.

“You look…” Johnny stopped himself.

Tired, probably.

Different.

Colder.

Like someone who learned how to survive disappointment.

Instead he finished quietly, “…good.”

You nodded once. “Thanks.”

A horrible silence followed.

The kind only ex-lovers understood.

Not empty. Overcrowded. Just one that has too many things living inside it.

Johnny glanced away briefly before looking back at you. “I didn’t know you were in New York.”

“I’m not.”

“Oh.”

“My sister’s flying home. She forgot her passport so I had to come up here.”

“Right.”

Another silence.

Another thousand things unsaid.

You hated how awkward this felt.

Because once upon a time, Johnny was the easiest person in the world to talk to.

At 2AM you could spend hours discussing absolutely nothing.

He used to call you during grocery runs because he “got bored shopping alone.”

You used to fall asleep listening to him ramble about music production and random conspiracy theories.

Now you two sounded like strangers forced into small talk.

It was unbearable.

Johnny swallowed hard before asking carefully, “How have you been?”

Such a simple question.

Such a dangerous one at the same time.

Because what were you supposed to say?

That you stopped sleeping properly after he left and still haven't recovered from it?

That every love song makes you physically nauseous?

That you still checked his interviews online even after promising yourself you'd stop?

That you once heard someone laugh like him in a café and burst into tears in the bathroom afterward?

Instead you shrugged lightly. “Fine.”

The lie hung between them immediately.

Johnny noticed.

Of course he noticed.

His jaw tightened slightly, eyes dropping toward the floor like he didn’t deserve honesty anymore.

And maybe he didn’t.

You crossed your arms tightly over your chest. “What about you?”

Johnny laughed once under his breath.

It wasn’t a happy sound.

“I don’t know anymore.”

That answer scared you because it sounded...real.

An announcement interrupted them overhead.

Flight 247 to Seoul now boarding.

Your stomach dropped instantly.

Seoul. Of course. Always Seoul.

The city that took him from you slowly before he physically left at all.

Johnny looked toward the gate automatically.

And you suddenly remembered the last night they spent together.

He sat on the edge of your bed at four in the morning while half-packed suitcases surrounded him.

Neither of you had slept.

Neither of you wanted to admit what was happening.

“You could ask me to stay,” Johnny whispered back then.

You remembered staring at him through tears.

“You’d resent me for it eventually.”

“No I wouldn’t.”

“Yes,” you said softly. “You would.”

That was the problem.

You loved him enough to know his dreams mattered more than your comfort.

And Johnny loved you enough to hate himself for choosing them anyway.

Ironic, wasn't it?

“Are you heading home?” you asked quietly now.

Johnny looked back at you slowly. “I don’t really know where home is anymore.”

The words hit you like a knife.

Because once...

home was each other.

You looked away toward the rain-covered windows before he could see the tears building in your eyes.

Outside, planes disappeared into the storm one by one.

Leaving.

Always leaving.

Johnny’s voice softened. “I tried calling you.”

Your chest tightened painfully.

“Johnny—”

“I know you blocked my number.”

Because you had to.

Because hearing his voice after the breakup felt like reopening stitches every single time.

“You disappeared,” you whispered.

His expression cracked instantly.

“I know.”

“No, you don’t.” your voice shook despite your efforts to stay calm. “You left and suddenly I was supposed to just… continue existing like half my life didn’t vanish overnight.”

Johnny looked devastated now.

Good.

Maybe he deserved to.

“You think I didn’t suffer too?” he asked quietly.

“I think you chose this.”

The second the words left your mouth, regret hit.

Because Johnny physically flinched.

Actually flinched.

Like you’d struck him across the face.

And suddenly you remembered all the things people never saw.

The panic attacks before flights.

The pressure.

The exhaustion.

The nights he held you while apologizing for being absent even when he was sitting right beside you.

Johnny wasn’t cruel.

That would’ve been easier.

He just loved too many things at once and eventually tore himself apart trying to keep all of them.

“I didn’t choose to lose you,” he said softly.

You felt the tears finally spill down your cheeks.

“Then why does it feel like you did?”

Johnny stared at you helplessly.

And for the first time since the breakup, you realized something horrifying.

He looked just as ruined as you felt.

Not healed.

Not happier.

Not moved on.

Ruined.

A couple walked past them laughing loudly, completely unaware that two people were quietly breaking apart beside Gate 14.

Johnny rubbed exhaustedly at his eyes before speaking again.

“Do you know what the worst part was?”

You said nothing.

“Every good thing that happened after I left…” He swallowed hard. “You were still the first person I wanted to tell.”

That nearly destroyed you, because you understood immediately.

The instinct never really leaves.

When something funny happens.

When life gets overwhelming.

When the world feels too heavy.

Or when something beautiful appears suddenly.

You still reach mentally for the person you love most.

Even after they’re gone.

Johnny laughed bitterly to himself. “I’d pick up my phone before remembering I couldn’t call you anymore.”

You looked down quickly because you couldn’t let him see how hard you were crying now.

“I hated you for a while,” you admitted shakily.

“I know.”

“No, I mean really hated you.”

Johnny nodded slowly. “You should’ve.”

“But the problem was…” your voice cracked completely. “I still loved you at the same time.”

Silence.

Heavy, crushing silence.

Johnny’s eyes closed briefly like hearing that physically hurt him.

When he opened them again they looked glassy.

“I never stopped.”

The confession settled between them quietly.

No dramatic music.

No cinematic reunion.

Just grief.

Pure grief.

Because love was still there.

And that was the tragedy.

If the love had disappeared, maybe you could’ve survived losing each other.

Another boarding call echoed overhead.

Final boarding for Flight 247 to Seoul.

Johnny looked toward the gate again automatically.

Time.

Time was happening again.

You suddenly hated time more than anything.

Hated clocks.

Hated planes.

Hated timing.

Because timing was the reason you weren’t together.

Not lack of love.

Not betrayal.

Not cheating.

Timing.

The cruelest thing to lose against because nobody is truly at fault.

Johnny picked up his suitcase slowly.

And your heart started breaking all over again.

“No way,” you whispered before you could stop yourself.

He looked at you carefully. “What?”

“You don’t get to do this to me twice.”

Johnny’s expression collapsed completely.

Because he understood exactly what you meant.

The first goodbye nearly killed you.

This one might finish the job.

“I don’t want to leave like this,” he admitted quietly.

“Then stay.”

The words slipped out accidentally.

And both of you froze.

Johnny stared at you like you'd just reached into his chest and crushed the few remaining pieces of his heart with your bare hands.

For one impossible second— you thought he might actually do it.

You saw it happen on his face.

The hesitation. The longing.

That tiny speck of desperate, dangerous hope.

His grip loosened on the suitcase handle.

Your heart pounded violently.

Stay. Please stay.

But then reality returned.

Slowly.

Cruelly.

Johnny looked toward the gate one last time before looking back at you.

And you knew.

Knew before he even spoke.

Because Johnny had always looked at you like you were something precious.

But he looked at his future like he was terrified to lose it.

And eventually, fear wins.

“I can’t,” he whispered, voice starting to break.

There it was.

The final death sentence.

You nodded slowly despite the tears pouring down your face now.

“Yeah,” you whispered back. “I know.”

Johnny stepped closer then.

Close enough that you could smell his cologne again.

Close enough that muscle memory screamed at you to reach for him.

His voice broke completely when he spoke next.

“You were the best thing that ever happened to me.”

You covered your mouth instantly as a sob nearly escaped you.

“No,” you cried softly. “Don’t say things like that if you’re still leaving.”

Johnny looked like he might start to cry too now.

Maybe he already was.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

And somehow those two words hurt more than everything else combined.

Because you believed him.

He was sorry.

But sorry didn’t fix anything.

Sorry didn’t bring people back.

Sorry didn’t undo all the nights you spent loving each other just to end up here under fluorescent airport lights pretending goodbye was survivable.

The final boarding announcement echoed again.

Johnny exhaled shakily.

Then, with trembling fingers, he reached into his coat pocket and pulled something out.

A small silver keychain.

Your initials engraved into the metal.

You stared at it in shock.

“You still have that?”

Johnny looked down at it quietly. “Couldn’t throw it away.”

Neither could you.

That was the problem.

Neither of you knew how to stop carrying each other.

Johnny placed it gently into your palm before closing your fingers around it carefully.

His touch lingered for one devastating second.

Then disappeared.

“I think,” he said softly, voice breaking, “in another life… we probably made it.”

You felt something inside you shatter completely.

Because you thought so too.

In another life, your love would've been enough.

Johnny stepped backwards slowly after that.

One step

Then another.

You stood frozen, unable to breathe properly, unable to stop crying, unable to ask him to stay again because you already knew the answer.

He looked at you one final time.

Really looked at you.

Like he was memorizing every detail all over again.

Then he smiled.

Not happily.

Just devastatingly enough to ruin you forever.

And finally,

finally—

Johnny turned away.

This time, he didn’t look back.

You watched him disappear into the crowd until there was nothing left of him except memory.

Then the airport swallowed him completely.

Turning him into just another passenger leaving.

And somewhere above the storm clouds that night, Johnny flew towards the future he chose—

whilst you stayed behind grieving the life you almost had.

But in another life, time wasn’t so cruel towards you two. Life cradled your love into her arms and protected it from every harm there was. That love bloomed and bloomed, touching every corner of the world until it reached the whispering stars who told the whole universe about you two.

‐---------------------------------------------------------------------

johnny:

• it had been a year and a half since the first season of the lost boys documentary had aired, and now it’s back for another season, he didn’t think your episode could get worse, but of course it did. you went into further detail of what it was like living with your parents, both neglectful and abusive. he heard you talk about things you had never said before, still too scared to admit, in case there was any chance of you rekindling your relationship with them, but when it’s obvious that’s never going to happen you have no issue holding back.

• you spoke about how when you were 9 and you had gotten in trouble at school, your dad had dragged you through the house by your hair, screaming at you, punching walls beside your head to scare you, throwing shoes and plates at you. johnnys chest tightened at the thought, cause you’re their baby, all he can think is you, terrified, alone and no one to protect you. how could anyone hurt their special girl? how could someone look at you and actively want to hurt you and put you in danger? you also say that when you first debut you were petrified of doing anything wrong, scared you would get hit like you were as a child.

• he remembers when you debuted, so timid and desperate to please everyone, a perfectionist. you did everything you could to keep up, keep everyone happy, everyone thought it was just drive and motivation, but now so obvious it was fear of punishment. you tell the camera that because of the security your members have given you, you learned how to relax and let go, learned that if something doesn’t go to plan, you’re life isn’t at risk. his heart sinks at just the thought of you ever being scared of them, and he’s so relieved when you say that they were the first men who you weren’t scared of, didn’t ever think they would hurt you. and the wouldn’t.

• when he sees you after the episode he is holding you close. “you don’t have to carry everything alone, you don’t have to be so brave, when you need to step back we will step back with you”. you cry to him telling him you love him and the way you hold onto him, he’s never felt you cling to him this hard, desperate to keep him there in your arms. he lets you clutch onto his torso, tears and snot soaking his shirt, but he doesn’t care, just holding you tight and stroking your hair. “i’m here, just hold onto me baby, for as long as you need, i’m not going anywhere”

taeyong:

• when he hears more unheard stories of your childhood he feels sick. in your episode you talk about how you’re mum enabled your dads behaviour towards you, sometimes making it worse, letting him abuse you the way he did.

• you give details about how one night in the middle of the night he dragged you out of bed and got you in the car, driving recklessly. you knew he was mad at something, and usually when your dad was mad he would leave home, driving around for a few hours, crashing somewhere else and coming home a few days later like nothing happened, but this night was different. he had you in the front seat, he had cut your seatbelt before you got in so you were holding on tight to the door, he kept break checking and driving too fast and swerving towards walls and trees.

• you said that you remember screaming and crying, begging him to stop but the more you spoke, the more you cried the angrier he got and more dangerously he drove. you tell them that’s why you don’t ever want to learn to drive, traumatised, and you only get in cars if someone you trust is driving, like your members. you also say that you try not show a lot of emotion, too afraid that if you do, someone is going to hurt you. even subconsciously you are trying to protect yourself from him, from someone who can no longer hurt you,

• when he sees you, he’s cupping your face in his hands, gentle and delicate. “i’m so sorry my angel, i wish i could do something, wish i could take it all away from you” “oppa, you have done something. you’ve done everything, im happy cause of you, all of you, safe with you” he hugs you tighter. “will always keep you safe my little love”

yuta:

• we have already established that he is your parents number one hater. he had met them before, seeing first hand how neglected you were by them, he’s seen how little they care about you or your life, but when he hears more stories of your childhood he’s never heard, he’s fidgeting on his couch as he watches. in your episode you talk about how none of your psychological needs were met as a child, surviving off the bare minimum. limited emotional support and lack of resources means you brought yourself up almost entirely by yourself with very little emotional regulation.

• you explain to the camera that because of this, you struggle understanding your emotions and thoughts, losing your temper easily and overreacting badly to things. you apologise to the members, speaking to the camera, “oppas, i know it’s a lot, i know im a lot, im sorry for all the times ive been wrong and maybe set us back, i promise to work harder and be a better version of myself”

• when yuta sees you after watching your episode, he’s practically speed walking to you, crashing into you in a hug that makes you laugh. “you don’t have to apologise baby, never have to say sorry for the things they did”. he lifts you up effortlessly, holding you like a baby on his hip. “best girl in the whole world, i love you so much” you smile and kiss him “i love you too oppa” he talks to you about your emotions, helps you understand them, teaches you a lot of new vocabulary, so you can express how you feel to others. he also takes you to therapy, he knows a lot of these traumas are beyond their comprehension, and you need professional help. when you push back, telling him you’re not a crazy person and don’t need to speak to shrinks, he’s talking with you, reminding you of your poor coping mechanisms, and suggesting that although you aren’t a crazy person, you need the support they don’t know how to give. and you reluctantly agree. when it’s obvious it’s helping, he’s playful, but still firm. “i told you so” you whine out annoyed, but with a playful smile on your lips, cause you know he was always right.

doyoung:

• he feels like he’s going to faint listening to you. you’re recalling countless acts of abuse that you had to endure as a baby, as a child and in your early teenage years before you came to SM. he breaks into a cold sweat when the screen shows a picture of you as a kid, bruises all over and with a black eye. you couldn’t have been any older that 6.

• you also tell the camera how you never liked birthdays or christmas, never getting the opportunity to celebrate holidays properly growing up, your dad always causing an argument and you would be his punching bag, or your parents forgetting your birthday, or actively deciding not to celebrate it, you’ll never know which.

• from now on he is always going above and beyond for your birthdays and christmas, inviting you to his family home for the holidays, making sure you are surrounded by love and stability always. cradles you to sleep after the episode airs, whispering about how you’re safe now. when you look up at him, your eyes are sad, round and big, all glossy from holding back tears “you can cry, it’s okay, don’t need to hide those tears from me, not from any of us… that’s it, let it out angel” soothes your back as sobs wreak out of you. “you’re not gonna abandon me?” “would never baby, would never leave my precious girl, you’re stuck with me for life princess”

• when you stopped crying he’s holding you close to his chest all snuggled up, treats you like a baby, non sexual domination, really taking care of you. he can tell you are in subspace with him a lot even when you’re not having sex, but he never turns you away, just providing what you need without question.

jaehyun:

• during your episode you talk about how hard it is to ask for advice, after having to make choices for yourself growing up, using the little resources you had, you don’t know how to accept help. “sometimes when i’m in a situation, i struggle to ask for help, when someone gives me advice- good advice, i know i should follow it, but it’s hard for me, i feel like if i listen to advice, or if i wasn’t able to come to a conclusion to my problem by myself it makes me feel like i have no control. i had very little control in my life growing up living in a house with monsters i couldn’t escape from, my survival was solely my responsibility, now im an adult, and im free from that place, i have many people around me who have my best interests at heart and want the best for me, they want to help, and i have control of my life and the paths i choose, so letting people help me and guide me, it’s hard. im trying, but i know i can push back and go against advice out of spite, and to my members im sorry for that”

• jaehyun listens carefully, he has seen this in practice many times, making erratic decisions and a lot of self sabotage, just trying to remain in control even if the end result is bad. you had never expressed how you feel the need to control the narrative, so he feels bad for always scolding you when you make a stupid call or a rushed decision, or going against someone’s good advice.

• after your episode, when he can tell you’re in a dilemma, he’s asking what you think is the best solution, keeping you in control, bringing anything and everything you need to execute your plan, he wants to help and make things easier, but he knows now if he pushes and makes a big deal, you will go completely rouge and make a poor choice. when things start consistently going well for you you’re breaking down crying.

• he’s confused, you should be happy that you were able to get yourself out of your pickle. “baby what’s up? why the tears?” “i- i don’t even know… it just feels like a lot. it feels like something has lifted, weight off shoulders” he smiles bringing you to his chest hugging you tight “and you did it all, you did that, im so proud of you”. he kisses your head when he hears you let out another sob at his words. “you did so good angel, worked so hard and it’s really paying off for you, im so happy to see you succeed” you smile up at him with big wet eyes, but your smile is so genuine, wide and bright, and he’s wiping your tears and giving you countless kisses

• he’s looking at you so fondly and holding you so gently, “look at my happy girl, such a pretty smile… are you my best girl?” you nod happily, like a puppy begging for a treat, you sigh and let out a small “yes daddy” your treat is his validation and praise and he knows it. “that’s right baby, you’re my best girl”

• you didn’t mean to call him daddy like this, while you’re crying in his arms, usually just keep it to the bedroom, but his voice is so calming and his words are so affirming you just let it slip out and you apologise. “don’t say sorry baby, you know i don’t mind, daddy’s always gonna be here”

jungwoo:

• another segment of your episode is you talking about how scared you were when you first joined SM. you were so young when you packed up to move into the dorms, and your parents couldn’t wait to get ride of you. you were just a kid who wanted to make them happy, make them money and give them a better life, talking about how now, looking back you were very much taking care of your parents the way they should’ve taken care of you. giving up your childhood, education, a normal life, friends your own age, all to provide them with everything they wanted and needed.

• you go on to talk about joining the company. “i was just a kid when i joined SM, i was desperate to prove to my parents that i could bring them happiness, i could give them things they could only dream of, they were happy to send me away, but they didn’t want to move with me, they sent me on a plane across the world with just a suitcase and a dream, i was completely alone and i thought that was normal, then i saw how some of the other trainees my age had their parents around to support them so i felt out of place, i only endured it for them, but now i see that i gave them too much, i gave them too much of myself, and i lost who i was because of them, now they’re no longer in my life, i have been able to reclaim my myself again, doing this because i love it, not to keep a roof over my parents head”

• jungwoo is being more dominant out of the bedroom now since the episode. he’s always been very caring and tentative towards you, but realising you were basically parenting not only yourself but your parents from a young age, it meant there was no strong dominant figures in your life you could trust or love, just loud angry men and emotionally unavailable women.

• he’s cooking for you more, driving you places, tying your shoes, fixing your outfit and hair, letting you rant to him, helping you with cooking and laundry, he does everything he can to make your life easier. “i picked up some groceries for you, i got you some new things i want you to try, you said your stomach has been sore recently, thought maybe you might be lactose intolerant, so got you some alternatives, if you feel better, i’ll keep the replacements, if not ill take you to the doctor”. when you tell him it helps your stomach cramps he’s smiling wide glad he could help, and keeps buying you groceries with the correct alternatives for you.

• one night you’re having dinner with him in your kitchen, he had just cooked up a huge meal for you both “thank you, for all of this, i really appreciate it” he smiles and holds your hand “no need to thank me, i’m happy to do this, it’s not a treat, it’s just what should be done, it’s just dinner”. you sigh “it’s not just dinner, it means a lot to me, there’s no shouting or uncomfortable silences, no slamming doors or smashing plates, it’s safe, and it’s comforting so thank you” he smiles at you sympathetically “that’s exactly what i’m talking about baby, you don’t need to thank me because you feel safe, being safe isn’t a privilege, it’s what humans need to survive, you don’t have to thank me for it”. you nod quietly, never realising that he is spot on, you always mistook your safety as a privilege, something you had to earn, feeling lucky that they don’t put you in harms way, now realising that danger isn’t the default.

haechan:

• he watches with his parents, he has no idea about the stories or pictures that would come up during your episode. him and his parents watching in horror as you recount the stories of your past, stories of your childhood and how you talk about wanting to be better for your members. he feels so guilty, guilt that isn’t his to carry. he feels terrible that you suffered so long by yourself, clawing and grasping at straws trying to keep yourself alive during your time at home. his stomach drops drastically when he sees pictures of your little body, short and skinny and childlike, it’s so frail and covered in bruises and he feels like he’s going to be sick. that’s his beautiful girl, his incredible girlfriend and you talk about that time of your life so normally. you had never shared these details before, but the way you talk calmly and with very thought out words, he can tell that this is is just a memory for you, it doesn’t look like your talking about traumatic experiences.

• his parents come to visit you with him, bringing you food and gifts. his mum takes you shopping, then does your hair and makeup for you, he watches as you watch him mum, your eyes are so adoring. his dad is driving you all to a restaurant, he sits next to you in the backseat and he can see how rigid you are when you first get in. during the ride his dad drives slow and safe keeping in line with the speed limit, doesn’t run any lights, he’s got his eyes on the road the whole time and you slowly relax and your grip on haechans hand loosens

• you’re at the restaurant at the table, his parents are suggesting meals and asking what you’ll like, you nervously scan the menu, looking for the easiest and cheapest option and his dad speaks up “don’t look so nervous~ you can get whatever you want, take your time, there’s no rush” you nod and thank him, gulping as you look at haechan then back at the menu.

renjun:

he is offering emotional support whenever you need it. you’ve told him about how neglectful your family has always been of your emotional needs. if something is making you upset he is consoling you, letting you cry or rant without judgement, never brushing you off or telling you to suck it up or get over it. when you’re excited he’s smiling with you and getting excited too. growing up with none of your psychological needs met, it means you’re underdeveloped, not as emotionally intelligent as others your age, so he is always talking you through your feelings, helping you understand why you’re feeling them.

jeno:

he is taking care of any work around your house, you grew up without dad, just you and your mum, who was barely around, and a drunk, so you never had a father figure who was able to teach you how to fix things or change lightbulbs or build furniture, everything in your apartment basic, and if anything is broken it stays broken. until jeno moves in, he’s changing any bulbs, fixes your wifi, replacing any pipework, carrying heavy bags of groceries, and he is building furniture that you hadn’t even taken out their packaging. he also helps you finally put your decor up on the walls and shelves

haechan:

brings you everywhere. you grew up in and out of foster care, so your freedom was always limited, couldn’t just hang out with friends unannounced, always had to check in with foster parents, or having meetings with social workers, curfews sharing bedrooms with other children. so haechan is always taking you with him, always doing spontaneous things with you. whenever you ask him to do something he is jumping right in, never says no to any plan or idea. indulges your every request. when you ask for space and privacy he gives you it, when you ask him at 3am if he wants to go on a drive, can’t sleep and just wanna be with him, he’s already go some blankets in the car and driving around with no destination in mind.

jaemin:

he is so gentle with you, whenever he touches you his hands are so soft, always slow and his hands are where you can see them at all times. when you first got together and he grabs your arm excitedly, talking loudly. when you flinch and back away from him, he is almost sick. he stops completely asking if you’re okay. when you quickly apologise and try and hide your tears he’s moving slowly and touching your arm again gently, then asking why you flinched. when you tell him your dad was violent growing up, his heart breaks. how could someone hurt his beautiful girl. promises to always be gentle, and he keeps it. gives you enough time to pull away when you don’t want to be touched.

chenle:

always teaching you things and explaining anything to you. he knows you dropped out of school to start working as a teenager, being kicked out by your parents having to earn a living for yourself, so whenever you see something on your phone you don’t understand, he’s explaining it and making it easier for you to digest, or in conversations and you look to him for clarity after something someone just said he’s smiling softly and explains more for you. never makes you feel stupid, and you never feel stupid around him. if anyone was to comment on your intelligence he is shutting it down immediately, because you are extremely intelligent, you have been working since childhood, just because you don’t have grades or qualifications doesn’t mean you are stupid.

jisung:

johnny:

• when he watches the documentary back he can’t help but cry at your episode, you talk so freely about your struggles you’ve faced since becoming an idol, and before. you talk about your bad relationship with both your parents, emotionally neglected and pressured to financially support your family with very little in return.

• you talk about how nct and 127 are the first and only real family you have known, and state that you feel guilty being so dependant on them and that you promised to grow up well and that you were only able to do that with their help.

• you tell the camera about the stigma of being the only girl in a boy group, there is not a lot of co-ed groups, especially not at the time of the documentary, you go into detail about how nct’s concept is already unconventional as a kpop group, but debuting with only one girl was tough, navigating puberty alone, with the pressure of the media and netizens

• you also talk about how the members have each saved you from quitting before, saying that your life and careers is always in debt to them, but specifically johnny and doyoung, both of them extremely emotionally intelligent and providing the emotional comfort and support you lacked in childhood, that their advice is what made you stay and decide to go all in.

• when he sees you after it airs, he’s bringing you into a long deep hug, kissing your head and face, telling you how proud he is of you, tells you that you are the most special girl in the world, couldn’t imagine his life without you. you know it’s true cause during his episode he went into great detail about how important you are not just to their lives as people but you are an integral part of what makes nct.

taeyong:

• although he’s in a relationship with you now, he still remembers how maternal he was towards you when you first debuted, so young and naive, a little broken, just wanting to succeed, wanting your family’s approval more than anything. he leads you really well, being a great mentor, and helping you with everything you need as you guide yourself through aging and puberty.

• you talk about how as you got older and your relationship with your parents got more and more fractured, you were determined to prove them wrong

• in his episode he talks about when he sees something shift in you after cutting ties with your family, a fire lights inside you, doing this solely for yourself and no one else and you are working 10 times harder, and it brought in a lot of new fans. he says that nct couldn’t be a group without you.

• the older you get the more you depend on them, being an idol means very little space or time to date, they all know you have needs and they do too, and then you all come to this arrangement all of them providing you with everything you need, in and out of the bedroom.

• taeyong loves you and promises to always protect you, he knows you call johnny and jaehyun daddy, a kink you all mutually share, but with him it’s not something you usually do, but when you’re really fucked out and in subspace, tears flowing and he’s taking care of you so good you’ll sometimes slip up and call taeyong daddy, he doesn’t bring it up, doesn’t tell you not to, he knows you have daddy issues and he doesn’t want to press too much when his dick is inside you.

• when you calm down and are shyly apologising for using that name he tells you it’s okay, tells you you can call him whatever you need whenever you need.

yuta:

• he knew about your relationship with your parents, has witnessed it first hand, but after the documentary airs oh he is their number one haters. in the ep there is a recording of a phone call you had had with your parents after your first ever win back in 2016, telling them how excited you were and hope they were happy, and as your mum speaks he can see your face drop like it did when it first happened. “that’s good, not like you cured cancer or anything though”

• yuta has always been one of your biggest supporters, in public and in private, whenever you guys are filming a mv reaction video, he’s always cooing and praising you whenever you’re on screen.

• yuta always gives you the validation you lacked as a child, anything you accomplish he is boasting about it. you didn’t finish school, never having graduated, so whenever you get a big opportunity to do something career wise, whether it be a solo or an mc gig he is always showing up or posting about it and telling fans to anticipate your promotions.

• during his episode he talks about how frequently everyone’s parents would show up to performances on tour, but your parents have never showed face, even before you had cut them off. he talks about how he saw how small and sad you looked while greeting everyone else’s family, just wishing yours cared enough to show up.

• is extremely proud of you when you finally cut them off, he felt so sad for you, 19 years old, and after a lifetime of neglect and abandonment you had finally snapped and cut all ties and went no contact, no longer sending them money. in his episode he talks about how hard it was for you, but states that he will always admire your bravery and resilience. tells the camera that he thinks you are a lot stronger than the men on your team, that none of them would be able to do this without all the support that they’ve got back home, knowing there’s families waiting for them, so doing this single handedly is something only you could conquer.

doyoung:

• his heart swells with pride as you talk about him on your episode. detailing all the times he was a key factor to you staying. he knew you loved and appreciated him, but in this setting you were able to say things that you wouldn’t be able to say to his face without breaking down in tears.

• so glad he can be such a support for you. he wants you to be unlimited in everything you want to do so is constantly encouraging you. but he also is a voice of reason, if he thinks you’re biting off more than you can chew he’s talking to you seriously and with a very level head, you’re young and have all this ambition and drive, but idol burn out is very real and very scary. he makes you see some sense and you agree to plan more instead of jumping in head first to too many projects.

• in his episode he reveals that you are also a huge part of his continued involvement, saying there was times when he wanted to quit, but you were always there to take some of the weight, carrying so much on your shoulders to ensure everyone is able to carry on. he is another one who sings your praises to the camera, saying how talented you are and you bring so much to 127.

• he talks about all the fun he has with you despite you sometimes driving him crazy with all your antics and pranks on him.

• when he’s having sex with you he’s always so sweet and soft with you, maybe not when you’ve been acting up and giving him all kinds of attitude, but for the most part he is showering you in affection and attention. he needs you to always know how much he loves and appreciates you, a huge part of his life that he couldn’t live without.

jaehyun:

• in his episode he’s talking about how much fun he has with you and how their lucky that they have you in their group. goes on and on about how funny you are and that you really are the biggest mood maker

• tells the camera that doing this job and working so tirelessly every day would be a lot harder if you weren’t there, keeping everyone in good spirits.

• when he watches your ep, you are also talking about how you manage to pull through all the stress and long nights and back to back tours, and you say it’s all down to your members, that you are a jokester and they all receive your jokes and pranks well, all your teasing and play fighting lifts the mood whenever you’re travelling for hours and hours. you say that jaehyun is your favourite to have fun with, both of you having similar humours.

• the screen plays a video that no one has seen before, just you and the members, in a hotel room laying on the bed is you jaehyun and doyoung, doyoung in his pjs with a sleep mask on his forehead and he’s on his phone obviously trying to ignore you both, you and jaehyun are whispering and laughing to each other and while recording yourselves. you suddenly move and pull doyoungs sleep mask from his forehead, pulling it back and and letting go, both you and jaehyun laughing as it slaps over his eyes. it’s clear it’s not the first time you’ve annoyed him like this as he throws his phone down and pulls you into a fake headlock, you and jaehyun both tearing up laughing as the older man gets annoyed. the video stops and you talk about how you always share great memories with the members like that

• jaehyun is laughing as he watches, remembering the hour long prank session where both of you were trying everything you could to annoy doyoung. he texts you asking if you still have the video and you send him it so he can keep.

jungwoo:

• he mentions on his episode that despite being older, he had debuted two years after you and you always showed him so much love and support, he thanks you for always being so kind to him when he first started.

• he also talks about how your energy and playfulness is what really brought him out his shell and made him the mood maker he is today.

• when he watches your episode he listens to you talk and watches you cry as you admit you don’t feel as strong or confident as you look, you are always reminding yourself that you are at a disadvantage, being so young and also being the only girl. you feel like no one in the industry takes you seriously, still sees you as the 15 year old who debuted.

• his heart breaks and he tells you that’s not true. that so many idols look to you when they need inspiration, or motivation. and he’s right, many of the new gen idols are constantly praising you and calling you their favourite idol or bias, even some of your own peers commenting on you publicly stating how incredible you are at what you do.

• jungwoo loves you so much and he tells the camera that you are the centre peice of the team, and he truly means it. when you watch it you’re getting emotional, all of you admitting feelings you’re all too shy to admit face to face.

• he takes your health very seriously and is always telling you to look after yourself and to stop worrying about himself and the members so much and to focus on yourself first before anyone else.

• fans have always loved your dynamic and after the documentary there are edits of you both flooding the fyp.

haechan:

• he has always made sure include you in his plans with his family, his parents are coming to visit? he’s bringing you to dinner with them, he’s going home for a few days? he’s inviting you along. you are really close with haechans family and you bring them up in your episode, expressing how grateful you are for always extending their support and love for you as well as their own son.

• haechan talks about his mum on his episode and thanks her for everything she sacrificed for him to do this, and for always accepting you as her own. he says that without his mum not only would he not be able to do this, but you wouldn’t either and you agree.

• during mother’s day or father’s day you always make sure to greet all the members parents on their day, celebrating them and thanking them for their support, but haechan can see that you still long for your own parents, wanting to reach out and have them accept you for the first time, but you never do and he commends you on your disciplined no contact.

• after the episodes air again fans are all over tiktok and twitter, recounting old memories of you and haechan travelling to his home together, or when you call his mum to celebrate any of your success, hearing her sound genuinely thrilled for you.

• he loves spending time with you weather that’s under the sheets or just on the couch drinking in your presence. he loves having you near him and you are one of his anchors

ot7:

• when the documentary is out and everyone has watched in private, everyone meets up and you talk about what was discussed through some laughs and tears.

• during sex you have called all of them daddy at least one time, always cringing and apologising whenever you calm down and are redressed, the only ones who you really have established that with long term being johnny and jaehyun, who already had a daddy kink whether you had daddy issues or not.

• all of them tell you to not be embarrassed, they don’t mind or care what you call them when you’re in that headspace.

• you tell them you’re embarrassed by the way your eyes fill with tears whenever they praise you or tell you they’re proud of you in or out the bedroom, finally getting the validation you have been chasing for a lifetime, and when they’re being so gentle and caring with you in bed, the name just slips out.

• of them all extremely understanding and none of them have or will ever judge you for it.