Living is easy with eyes closed

Thinking about the darkness ahead I look back and see it’s pitch black. There is no way to turn around because reality is pushing in my back. It whispers look and see. I try to look but the only thing I see is darkness before me. So I ask what should I suppose to see, or are my eyes deceiving me? No it whispers in my ear. You see what your heart wants to see. You see the darkness surround yourself. Because you are in too much pain to see anything else.

The darkness will stay, you are a prisoner in a way. Prisoner of your own life. Punishing yourself because you think that’s should be done. You think you are unworthy. You think you shouldn’t be alive. Because that’s what you believe my dear child. You believe in other people opinions and never believed in yourself. That’s what keep you locked up in this hell.

I look up , tears rolling down my cheeks and whisper I don’t know how to be someone else. How to believe in something that is myself. This is what I know. No love endless emptiness and darkness surrounding my body and soul.

How can I start believing in myself if no one ever really did, no one really cared. No one was there, from a young age on, I learned that I am a nobody a ugly monster that no one wants. Guess what? It came true!

So I can I believe if I don’t care about nothing in my life, that all I want is go to sleep. How can I believe if no one is on my side as a friend. How can I believe in the future if the future I see is going be dark and cold and nothing is going to change. Because believe doesn’t believe in me. People are ashamed to hang out with me, because I am a monster, I am ugly beyond comprehension and fat. My teeth are falling out of my mouth. The way people look at me they scare the shit out of me. With such distasteful looks, like I am such terrible smelling garbage. They won’t stand next to me. People look at me and I know they talk behind my back.

Maybe I do smell. I showered today but still I smell. I don’t wanna talk because I know my breath smells like shit, because everything is rotting away. I try chewing gum but nothing helps. I know that’s why people take 10 steps back from me.

So dear future you are a farce. I learned one thing today. If happiness never occurred in your life till today it will never going to find his way. Because happiness decided you are not worthy enough. So the darkness stays.

I stopped believing in myself 8 weeks ago. When I realized that I am not that important anymore to the one I love the most. She doesn’t care if she sees me or not.

Who can blame her?

Alone in the storm always alone. The rain makes her tears go away. People watching her while she is shivering from the cold. She looks so vulnerable and alone. The people only watch, they see a hopeless case. Someone not worth your time. So the people hurried home to seek shelter from the cold and the rain. The woman stands in the rain looking up and yelling just strike me please just strike me with one lightning strike from the storm. Please I beg you.... she screams and she screams the lightning strikes hit the ground around her but not her. Then she understands that even angels or whoever give a damn about her. Even they see her as unworthy to help. She is lying on the ground while the rain pours. She is soaked to the bone, she doesn’t feel it anymore. She lay down and was tired of fighting. She acknowledged that she is unwanted and that no one will ever see her and love her. That all they do is watch her with distasteful faces and go on. She stays there..... till one day someone notices she is gone.... not really gone but the woman turned in to stone.

They tried to break it. The stone unbreakable.... they tried... nothing worked. When they tried building something on top of her, it would be in pieces in seconds.